*sigh*

[wretchedotis]

ok. so i'm a horrible person and accidently left our son's jacket behind at my girlfriends parents. Her and I and my little guy went to her folks place for dinner on my mid-week access. I have a 2 hour window for this access. Its a 40 minute drive from my house.

Being late for his return already (15 mins late to her door), I didn't want to turn around and fetch the thing. At the time I was thinking I'd save myself some grief, as certainly I'd hear about it if I was 40mins to an hour late returning him. In fact, I was thinking that would be just the excuse she needs to call the cops.

So I get to her door with the little one, he's happy to see Mom, and wants to be the one to break the news that his jacket was forgotten. The next thing I know she's raising her voice and I can see where things are going. I beat a hasty retreat to the car, and keep my mouth shut.

I get home...
the OPP call me.
Seems she wants to report me for STEALING my son's jacket.

I get an email...
I'm negligent and she's going to call the cops, CAS, her lawyer, and whoever else she can think of....

When does the drama end?

[billiechic]

WOW all that over a forgotten jacket??

What did the cops say??

[dadtotheend]

What a goof. Calling the cops???????!!!!!!!

Holy Drama Queen Batman.

[wretchedotis]

What did the cops say??

That this was not really a police matter, and that his report would reflect it was a misunderstading and I was fully cooperative.

Which hopefully, is true. To be quite honest I lost my temper on the man. Better him than the ex though...

[standing on the sidelines]

what a case of hitting a fly with a sledgehammer. All that fuss over a forgotten jacket. My god that is taking it to the extreme.

[NoahsDaddy]

Holy cow!

You're "negligent" because you forgot a jacket? Wow, that's a new one.

Let her call her lawyer; it's quite obvious that you're dealing with someone who lacks general common sense. If she wants to spend the cost of 10 jackets to involve her lawyer over the fact that you forgot it one night, all the power to her. The irony in this is that I assume you pay child support? How do you "steal" something that you contributed to the purchase of in the first place? On top of that, what were you going to do? Wear it yourself?

There's overreacting and then there's what you've just described.

I suppose she has never left anything behind when she's taken the child somewhere?

[#1StepMom]

I feel your frustration. My husband and I deal with the same type of individual. We have had the police called on us for being 20 minutes late dropping the child off, even after we left 2 voicemail messages (one on her home phone and one on her cell phone) letting her know we were running 15-30min late!

But, she claimed to "never have received the messages" and called the police and tried to file a report against my husband for kidnapping!!!

Thankfully nothing came of the police report.

We also get emails from her about how negligent we are for ridiculous reasons much like forgetting a jacket, or a hat, or mitts. Yet when she fails to pack necessities for the child's weekend visit... and we have to run out to buy a pair of pants and a sweater (because she didn't check the weather forecast and only sent shorts and t-shirts) ...there is no way in h-e-l-l that we can accuse her of being negligent! The one time my husband tried to call her on her actions (or lack thereof) she went to court asking for a restraining order against my husband for "verbally abusing her" and fearing that she may become a victim of physical abuse! (And my husband is not one to ever raise his voice or his hand - but of course, how could she know that if she only knew him for a few hours and was under the influence the entire time, right? *Roll Eyes*)

When dealing with irrational people like that... you need to keep all your communications and interactions as documented as you possibly can, and keep them to a minimum. At least that is what we learned over the years. It has helped keep us from becoming victims of her whimsical intents to cause harm.

Hang in there. Don't dispair.

[strotter1006]

Wow.... that's crazy over a coat.

[HappyMomma]

Wow - my ex forgot the kids shoes when he dropped them off at the daycare once. I didn't realize I should have called the police!

[Mess]

I once got a tirade from my ex because she heard from the teacher our son was at school without a hat (January) and how could I be so irresponsible and I'd better straighten up. The email was a full page long.

Turned out she had lost his hat that morning on the bus.

[FreeNow]

I heard about this one a year or two ago on the Michael Harris show - talk radio on CFRA here in Ottawa in the afternoons.
The police showed up at the guy's place of work and took him away in handcuffs. He lost his job. She had called the police and said that her husband was sexually abusing their children. It proved to be a false accusation but that didn't matter. He was ruined
Hell knows no furry..........

FN

[dadtotheend]

Oh my, you mean Mom made a false allegation of the worst kind against Dad? How could that be?

[wretchedotis]

If she wants to spend the cost of 10 jackets to involve her lawyer over the fact that you forgot it one night, all the power to her.

Actually, she's currently on OW, and qualifies for legal aid. So it's no cost to her. We're currently in litigation over custody. I represent myself. We currently share access 50/50. In fact things are looking grim. The OCL report was in favour of her gettting custody and me getting alternate week-ends and wednesdays. The basis for his finding was predicated on that we cannot communicate effectively (as is obvious by her actions here), and the fact that she is 5 months pregnant. Therefore, it's in our sons best interest to be with her and bond with the new baby.

Personally, it irks me that that new relationship is held up as more valuable than the relationship with his father. But what do I know, I'm only the kids father.

[dadtotheend]

The OCL report was in favour of her gettting custody and me getting alternate week-ends and wednesdays. The basis for his finding was predicated on that we cannot communicate effectively (as is obvious by her actions here), and the fact that she is 5 months pregnant. Therefore, it's in our sons best interest to be with her and bond with the new baby.

That SUCKS!

I've been down the OCL road too. Moreover, I have business relationships with a few people who are or were tied to the OCL and one of them estimated that the OCL recommendations are endorsed/followed about 80% of the time, so you're right, it does look grim.

But you have a right to critique those recommendations and if you are committed and can politely but firmly stand up to the heat to which you will be increasingly subjected by a judge in settlement, trial management and exit pre-trial conferences then you might be able to pull this one out of the fire.


Here's my three step (off the top of my head) strategy:

1.Rebut the "we can't along because there's too much conflict" b/s by arguing the conflict is being created strategically, and that the two of you can get along if necessary once you are out of the legal spotlight.

One tried and true strategic dirty tactic that is pulled in a parent's quest for sole custody is to create conflict in order to claim that you can't get along for the sake of the child. The person who is the problem creates and plays up the storm in order to get custody. If that person is already in a strong position, like your ex, they sabatoge communication in order to get custody.

Your challenge will to be to establish that she is doing that, but you will have to VERY careful not to cross the line where you start trashing her character, even if her character deserves to be trashed. That will be quite a high wire act, but if you're successful you could well be more than half way home.

That she called the cops over a jacket, and it is documented, was not smart on her part. It plays into your argument that she has created needless conflict by how over the top that reaction was. If you have other examples of that kind of behaviour, that will assist your argument. But that step is a kind of negative approach because it focuses on the bad stuff. There has to be some positive arguments made to ensure you come off as being a sensible child-centred parent instead of bitter...


2.The status quo is important and the child's routine with both parents ought not to be disturbed.

In your favour is the status quo and you should argue that the child's current routine is more important than getting to know his as yet unborn sibling at the expense of removing him from his father for so much of the time. You can say that there will be ample opportunity for him to bond with his sibling since he will be with Mom 50% of the time. To suggest otherwise is ludicrous, especially when it has the effect of seriously diminishing his time with his father...a loving father who has a proven track record of caring for him.


3.Come up with a solid parenting plan to support why your child needs to remain with both of you 50/50.

I don't think you said how old your son is. Propose a parenting schedule the same or as close to the one you have now as possible (remember status quo and routine). Also give some thought to what you think is best for the child in the next 1-5 years and put that into the plan to show how you are looking forward for your child's best interest.

It sounds like you live reasonably close to your ex. Make the point that you made that choice in order to minimize disruption during transfer times and to root your child in a neighbourhood where both parents live, and to be generally available and in close proximity to your son, even in times when he's not with you. If you don't live close by, then move closer and make that point. Don't tell the court you intend to move. Do it and then tell the court.

If you haven't already, do a search on parenting plans and glean whatever is relevant to your situation out of that research in order to come up with a kick-ass parenting plan. Judges love parenting plans.



All in all, you want to present as loving, involved child-centred Dad. So be careful on step 1. It needs to addressed in order to rebut the basis for the OCL recommendation, but you want judges remembering how stable, positive, child-centred and thougthful you have been in looking out for your son.

If I were you, I would spend some serious time developing a strategy and getting that strategy consistently into every conference brief, continuing record and court appearance from here on in, all the way to trial if necessary, but realizing that only 2% of cases go to trial.

I find it highly questionable how someone can argue that a child's need to bond with his as yet unborn infant sibling justifies removing him from his other parent for so much of the time - especially when the child will have ample time with his sibling as it is. If you can get that point across in a tactful reasoned way, you may be able to keep shared parenting.

[wretchedotis]

It sounds like you live reasonably close to your ex. Make the point that you made that choice in order to minimize disruption during transfer times and to root your child in a neighbourhood where both parents live, and to be generally available and in close proximity to your son, even in times when he's not with you. If you don't live close by, then move closer and make that point. Don't tell the court you intend to move. Do it and then tell the court.

Our son is 4.

Thanks for the encouraging words, you have basically outlined precisely what I intend to do.

It's a long story, but she rquested a temp order that I signed and then she backed out on. Shortly afterwards, she moved about a 40 min drive away, and cancelled the mid week access. I filed a motion adressing the move and the mid-week access, pointing out the failed deal. The judge gave me the access back, but nothing about the move.

So essentially, I't's my opinion she has engaged in a systematic program of engaging in conflict, and refusing to be reasonable, and even removing our son from a reasonable distance. There are many instances of her calling the cops on me claiming I was berating her in front of our son, and other such nonsense. I had hoped the OCL would see all this, and I didn't really harp on it with him because I didn't want to seem like I was of poisonous character.