child favouring one parent

[Foredeck]

We have joint custody with a very flexible schedule. My ex used to have shift work, so we would arrange it around her schedule, and we maintained that after she got her new job.

Our daughter just turned 2.

It happens a lot that when I drop her off, she'll cry and won't want me to leave. I've gone to visit her and she'll do the same thing, she'll cry to go in my car.

Does anyone have any suggestions to try to make the transition easier?

I don't say anything negative about my ex in front of our daughter, and I'll even say positive things. I'll call my ex and put our daughter on the phone as well.

[Stargate]

This happened to me as well with my two boys. They'd cry in the car going back to their mother's for about the first 6+ months. This was devastating for me to watch as I would imagine it would be on any caring parent.

Divorce and separation are very difficult on the children of the marriage. It is confusing for them to see their lives upset in this way. Thankfully it does diminish and go away with time. The best advice I can give is to comfort them as much as you can and continue to buffer them from the pangs of separation/divorce.

[representingself]

My daughter used to get so upset when it was her fathers weekend. I would have to start preparing her the night before, and she would cry and cling to me.... it was absolutely horrible and would break my heart.

But, once she was with her Grandma, she would be just fine, and would have a great time with her 'other' family.

Then when it was time to go again, total breakdown.

It is natural separation anxiety.... she misses you both, when you are not there. But hopefully once she is distracted, she is ok again?

It sounds like you are doing all of the right things... unfortunately there might not be a 'solution' to your problem, other than waiting for your daughter to get a little older and adjust to the situation.

Maybe you could get her a cuddly that goes with her to your place and over to moms. Some form of security for her that is a constant?

[billiechic]

I think sending a stuffed animal (or something else comforting) is a great idea. My daughter just turned 3 and she has a blanket that she is very attached to. Since we've been separated (2 months) she has also started taking a teddy bear back and forth, and it seems to have helped her adjust. Whenever she is feeling upset she needs both of them to calm down. It really helps when I am not with her since she used to want mommy when she was upset.

I also think you are doing your best, and remembering your child's feelings. Maybe you can get her a picture of you to take with her, that way you will always be there when she needs you. Maybe a good idea is to get her a teddy bear and put a locket on it with both her parent's pictures in it. That way she always has both parents there.

The biggest things is to get her excited about going with the other parent. If you know they are going to do something fun, then talk about it with her so she will be excited too. Someone also told me to tell my daughter what I did while she was with her dad so that she would not think mommy was crying and missing her while she was away.

[#1StepMom]

This happens a lot to children your daughter's age. In our experiences, coddling the child at the door while one parent is waiting to pick them up was not the best idea. It would only reinforce for the child that if he/she cried, then that parent would kiss and hug him/her and he/she would get the attention he needed or wanted.

The best thing would be to pick a neutral exchange location. Is there any way you can pick the child up directly from daycare, or from a neighbour so that she doesn't feel that you are taking her away from her mom? Or vice versa. If your ex could pick her up from daycare or a neighbour, so that she wouldn't feel that you are abandonning her?

We found this to work best.

Alternatively, you can try to do a quick exchange with your ex at a neutral location (ie. the local McDonald's or park) where the child will be somewhat distracted, and one parent can leave when the other arrives.

If the child is still upset after the exchange, a quick phone call a few minutes after departure can ease that upset quite quickly.

It is perfectly natural for children that age to react that way. Don't blame yourself, or your ex.

My stepson used to throw temper tantrums when we used to get him ready to leave to go to his mom's house. Similarily, he would throw temper tantrums when we came to pick him up from his mom's house. It was painful, and frustrating. Frustrating mostly because his mom refused to believe that he acted the same way with us when we were getting him ready to go back to her. But it did happen. Eventually, after sticking to one exchange protocal (ie. not changing locations or people or time spent at the exchange location) for long enough, he became used to the protocol and the upset stopped.

Try to come up with one "neutral" exchange protocol, and stick to it. Hopefully that will help your daughter adjust and she'll be happy to come and go before you know it! :-)

[Foredeck]

Thanks everyone. Kind of nice to know I'm not alone.

I don't like the neutral site idea, simply because we're in the same city, so it's not practical. I drop her off at her mom's place after my week-end, and it's much easier.

I do try to make sure she has a doll and it does help.

Does it get better? I guess one problem I have, or one hesitation is that am I being selfish. Should I just give up custody to provide stability.

[Stargate]

............Should I just give up custody to provide stability.

No! Your daughter needs her father.

Stability will come with time.

[representingself]

Does it get better? I guess one problem I have, or one hesitation is that am I being selfish. Should I just give up custody to provide stability.

Definitely not! It will get better. If your child is miserable throughout the entire access time, then maybe you should consider alternatives... but never let go of her.

She will adjust to the access....

She'll never adjust to losing her father if you walk away. You are her stability!

Hang in there.... it will get better

[billiechic]

ABSOLUTELY NOT!
She needs you just as much as she needs her mom. She is probably suffering from separation anxiety, it's very common at this age, especially with a divorce. (My daughter sometimes gets upset if I just run out to grab something out of the car!)Just reassure her that you will be seeing her soon and tell her you will phone her when you get home.

A few days feel like a very long time for a child. If you can co-operate so that she sees both of you at least every 3 days or so, it should help. Using "you're going to mommy's in 2 more sleeps" is something she should understand,. (I'm also finding that 3 days away from my daughter is the most I can handle without some harsh depressed feelings creeping in. we do 2 days, 2 days, then 3 for the weekends)

HTH

[canniiee]

My 3 year old step-daughter is just starting to do that with us now, when her Mom droppes her off she cries for her mom and when we put her to bed she cries and says she wants to go sleep at Mommy's. We've been doing eow with her for over 2 years now, I think she has separation anxiety from her Mom, her mom is on welfare and is with her allllll the time, and I know for a fact we are much more strict than her Mom is with her lol so I think she just dosen't like our house cause she has rules and can't get her own way AND she has to share her time with my kids...

I think for young children its always rough, my kids are 6 & 7 they come every weekend and they still insist that Dad gives them 25 hugs before he leaves, its just the way it is!

[singledad99]

My son gave me some fresh worries last weekend when I was dropping him to his mom's place. He asked me what I did when he was gone. He said (in his mind) I was not looking after myself well when he was not there with me. Instead of dismissing his feelings, I told him he was free to call me and check on me if he was getting worried about me. Too bad, him mom didn't let him call me but that's a completely different topic.

It is okay for children to get upset at the time of exchange but soon this instability will be the new stability. It is in the long term best interest of the children to keep in touch with both parents. What I did to reduce the anxiety was to stop dropping him and picking him all the times. I also minimized the direct encounters with my ex (kids can sense hostility). Among other things, I also told my son that it was more than okay to love both parents and that there was no need for him to measure his love for either parents. (some kids will put up an act at departure time to please their parents). A few times I let him buy flowers for his mother which actually got him very excited for going with her.

Just hang in there.

[wretchedotis]

Boy does this ever sound familier. And yes it's heart-breaking to watch it. And even more heart-breaking to hear them say they want to be with the other parent more (or go back to Mommy, or w/e)

She may seem too young to you, but next time you go through this sort of thing, it might be helpfull to tell her that both you and Mommy love her very much. That the reason she is away from Mom or Dad on any particular day/night is that you both love her so much that neither one of you could go longer than 'x' amount of days without seeing her. Tell her its not her fault, and that both you and Mommy are sorry for both yourselves and for her that things are the way they are right now. Most importantly, when your daughter starts expressing these feelings. Listen. And I mean LISTEN.

Some other things that might help... Get a pic of your ex and your daughter together. Laminate it and put it somewhere she can look at it when feeling sad. Suggest your ex does the same thing. Phone calls might work if you and your ex can be civil enough.

Just know this: It stands to reason that your daughter expresses these same feeling to her Mom when you are not around. Quite likely, your ex is muddling through similar experiences.

As for stability... It may not seem very stable now - but you are the Man in her life. You are the very earth she stands on, and she will judge 'stablity' for the rest of her life by whether or not you stick around.

We have joint custody with a very flexible schedule. My ex used to have shift work, so we would arrange it around her schedule, and we maintained that after she got her new job.

Our daughter just turned 2.

It happens a lot that when I drop her off, she'll cry and won't want me to leave. I've gone to visit her and she'll do the same thing, she'll cry to go in my car.

Does anyone have any suggestions to try to make the transition easier?

I don't say anything negative about my ex in front of our daughter, and I'll even say positive things. I'll call my ex and put our daughter on the phone as well.

[wretchedotis]

[quote=representingself;28352]She'll never adjust to losing her father if you walk away. You are her stability!


You're reading my mind, aren't you? GET OUT OF MY HEAD lol :P

[helplessDad]

I think sending a stuffed animal (or something else comforting) is a great idea. My daughter just turned 3 and she has a blanket that she is very attached to. Since we've been separated (2 months) she has also started taking a teddy bear back and forth, and it seems to have helped her adjust. Whenever she is feeling upset she needs both of them to calm down. It really helps when I am not with her since she used to want mommy when she was upset.

I also think you are doing your best, and remembering your child's feelings. Maybe you can get her a picture of you to take with her, that way you will always be there when she needs you. Maybe a good idea is to get her a teddy bear and put a locket on it with both her parent's pictures in it. That way she always has both parents there.

The biggest things is to get her excited about going with the other parent. If you know they are going to do something fun, then talk about it with her so she will be excited too. Someone also told me to tell my daughter what I did while she was with her dad so that she would not think mommy was crying and missing her while she was away.

wow, excellent advice! I'm taking notes now.

[canniiee]

wow, excellent advice! I'm taking notes now.

yep having a stuffie or blanky travel back and forth with them helps SO MUCH. My step daughter had her big Dora that came with her allll the time, my kids bring their blankies (my daughter has mine form when I was a kid), and it really gives them comfort, its their constant.

If you Daughter doesn't already have something special, take her and get her one together, she will always remember it came from daddy, or even better if you have something to give her from your childhood, I'm grateful now to my Mother for keeping all those things for so many years