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  • working together.

    Hello,

    I am the father of a 3 1/2 year old girl. I am having an issue because my ex has my daughter most of the time,I just have her every 2nd weekend. My daughter is very behind on her speech and potty training and it is concerning because my ex does not address any of these issues. There is only so much time on the weekend to work on potty training and speech so it makes it very hard. Whatever progress we make on the weekend gets reversed during the 2 weeks. I am worried because she has made very little progress since she was 2 years old. Her doctor has made a recomendation for speech therapy but my ex keeps denying any problem so she will not address the situation. Today was the second time in a row that she poops in the bathtub. She does not show any signs of even wanting to potty train or any signs of knowing she is going to the bathroom. We have tried many things but its seems that nothing makes a differance because her mom doesn't want to do anything.Her mom is at home all day with her boyfriend and so the kids(he has a 3 year old as well) should be doing well with 2 parents around all the time. My little girl says that her sister poops in the bath with her dad so she can poop in the tub at my place. I am worried that she will not be ready for school and feel so helpless because her mom is not parenting her,they never play outside at her moms or do anything. All they eat is McDonalds and kraft dinner. When I try and say that she is behind to my ex she just says she is more advanced than most 3 year olds and maybe I am doing something wrong at my house.My girlfriend who is very close to my daughter also works in a daycare as an ECE with children her age every day. We know she is very behind and its scary because even though we have Joint custody there is nothing I can do if she is lying to me. I believe that they do not want the children to be able to go to school as the other little girl is not potty trained and is still in a crib. My daughter has told me things like she can only love me when mommys not around because mommy tells her not to love me,and alot of stuff like this. I think that maybe the breakup has taken its toll on her emotionally as her mom has gone down a very bad path since our breakup. She is back doing drugs and drinking but its so hard to prove,her boyfriend is more that twice her age and neither of them work. What is one to do when I can't afford a lawyer and can't get legal aid.I will get fired if I take to much time off work and she gets legal aid and has all the time in the world to fight in court. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want her to be so far behind and am worried that if I am the one potty training her and teaching her stuff she is going to see me as a mean person because we have to have her learn this stuff. I am easy going with it and have tried many things but her mom even refuses to tell me the techniques they use at home so we can synchronize it to make it easiest. She won't tell me anything about speech techniques or even what books my daughter likes. Its scary the things that come out of a 3 year olds mouth. Any help would be really great. Thank you.

  • #2
    I wonder if involving childrens services may be called for?? I would give them a call and tell them your concerns and see if they can intervene.

    Comment


    • #3
      I don't think you should call social services. You should try to get primary custody of the children. In some cases it is hard and expensive, but in other cases it is not. A male friend of mine got custody of his daughter after about 2 weeks, and spent very little money. They were able to prove the life-style of the mother was not a good environment for the child.

      If you's like I can talk to him and find out exactly what it cost and how he was able to get custody so quickly.

      Comment


      • #4
        Maybe you shoud approach her family doctor and discuss your concerns with him/her.

        If the mother takes this kind of lax approach with speech therapy and potty training, I can imagine her medical/immunizations are probably not up to date either.

        I don't think it is prudent to involve Childrens Aid or Social Services because of these issues.

        Sure you ex is clearly being lazy, however I don't think that is classified as abuse or neglect, and it may appear as though you are over reacting and 'digging for dirt'.

        Even a court cannot order her to feed her more veggies and less Kraft Dinner.

        There is no set age that a child can be potty trained. It can range from 2 to 5.

        If your daughter has some minor developmental delays (ie. speech issues), it is only natural for her to possibly have some minor issues in other areas as well. But don't let that worry you. Every child is different and grow and develop differently.

        Maybe you could ask your ex for more access to the child during the week, maybe an evening or two. That way you can keep trying to guide your little one on a more frequent basis.

        If you are positive and encouraging, there is no reason why your child will see you as a 'mean guy', because you are trying to teach her. Just don't get frusterated with her, try to make it fun.

        Also, take your daughter to the local library and borrow a few books of her choosing, then you'll be able to determine which types of stories she likes best.

        Good Luck

        Comment


        • #5
          Thank you all.
          I would like the info from GOT2BEKID if you could.I would love to see my daughter more during the week. I know that she should come first with everything but I am working full time and in school so that I can create a better life for her in time. She loves robert munsch and the "pickle book" but I do agree,the library is a great idea. So far her immunizations are up to date. Her doctor has noticed he speech problem but since my ex chooses not to address it he is not willing to take it further. She takes her to the doctor alot actually for pretty well nothing. Childrens services have been called on her from her neighbours a few times but nothing comes of it yet. She says my daughter is shy and most people just agree with it.
          Thank you though, I will be trying for full custody once school is done and over with. The potty training is more of an issue because its that she doesn't care about it or understand whats going on. She is just a very emotionally hurt child,we have a great bond but her mom is telling her bad stuff,she told me today that she can only love me when mommys not around,because mommy tells her not to.

          Comment


          • #6
            You know... stuff like that makes me so sad.

            To hurt a child, just to spite an ex is truly disgusting.

            Start by keeping a very detailed notebook, recording all of your issues with your daughter. Make sure that you ask your ex to see her whenever you can.

            If you plan on seeking full custody in the future, you need to plan and prepare for it now.

            Keep a paper trail of any of your dealings with your ex, so that when you are ready, you can petition the court for a custody change with all of your ducks in a row.

            Comment


            • #7
              Thats the plan. My main thing is that my ex is not good under the pressure of a judge, when we went back for something simple that she was denying me her duty lawyer refused to act on her behalf in front of the judge even though she could have because of the income bracket.
              I keep everything detailed with dates and stuff like that. It might take a long time but when I do have her full time it will be worth it. I just want to make the best life for her but my ex wants to stress me out enough so that I cannot finish school. She has gotten bad enough for her friends to be coming to me now because they want to see our daughter because she has shut everyone out of her life. Which is good for me in a sense but means that she is going further down a bad path. They even told me if I need anything in court they will be there for me. A person I have a connection with even lives next door to my ex now, its strange how things work out. I hate it that my ex cannot move forward as I have been trying to do,we were young but there are so many things out there to help her to get into a better place.

              Comment


              • #8
                Hi,
                I will talk to my friend and get more details for you. It probably won't be for a couple of days, but I'll update this post when I get a hold of him.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I think you should make an appointment with your child's doctor to discuss your concerns. If you are worried about her progress and she isn't, then you need to take action. If there really is a problem, her doctor can help. And if your ex is not meeting your child's needs, then it is neglect. I think not trying potty training and ignoring the speech problems identified by the doctor qualify as neglect. The doctor will be required by law to report it to CAS.

                  You could always ask if you can take her to the speech therapy sessions. If you have joint custody you are both able to make the decision if she will go to them. Don't let your ex make decisions that you don't agree with, particularly when you think your child is in need.

                  Good luck.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Unfortunatly our court documents state that if either of us makes a doctors appointment we must notify the other and the other person can attend. So when we get to the doctor it is a stalemate and since its been my ex's family doctor since she was 8ish he tends to just listen to her and move on. Even if he thinks there is a speech problem he is not willing to look further into it.
                    CAS has gone to there house but they gave them plenty of notice before the visit so it made it kinda useless.
                    Thank you

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Hi Fireweb13,
                      I spoke to my friend. It cost him just over $6000 to get custody. The reason he got it so easily is that she had another child (from another man) and fought for custody and lost. So she didn't fight it this time, feeling like she would lose again I guess. She is unstable, moving 2 or 3 times a years and the child was always changing schools, and she can't hold down a job. My friend gives her all the visitation she wants, because he doesn't want to interfere with the mother/child relationship, but his is the more stable home for the child.
                      Hope that helps.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        That is good, my daughter is telling me how mommy tells her that I don't love her and that my daughter can't love me. She also mentioned that her other daddy loves her more but yells at her and scares her too. Its just so many wierd things coming out, I was cooking with spices and had the basil out and she told me that mommy smokes that stuff every day,she also said something similar when I went to get a bottle of wine for thanksgiving. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am taking her to a speach evaluation clinic in 2 weeks so maybe that can get some insite because she is so far behind. I just feel so lost and now my daughter is telling me about the kingdom hall that they go to and about how god doesn't love little girls and mommy thinks all little girls are bad. But I can't afford to do anything and don't understand the system enough to try and do more. Please help.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          If you daughter is telling you all these things then you need to do something. You are her father, protect her.

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                          • #14
                            I honestly wish it was that easy Billiechic,but I am working on it.

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                            • #15
                              I know that courts are costly, and that you feel that you cannot have custody right now due to financial reasons... but if you wait, the damage may be to much to repair.... and I am refering to the Jehovahs Witness conversions, medical and development delays, etc. etc.

                              Also, by not acting, the courts will assume that you wife had your "implied consent", and then you will be screwed!

                              File a Motion to Vary your existing order... you can represent yourself.... just keep your daughters well being in your heart and mind and do everything you can.

                              Comment

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