She filed for divorce yesterday PLEASE READ

[Edward]

I sensed something was not right. She called me apparently from the bank yesterday asking for $500 because the debt collectors called her for the credit cards that went on collection, money that we spent together but in her name. I said I haven't that money now but next month I can start paying.

She said she is going to look for work yesterday. I took our child to the doctor. Instead of looking for work she went and filed for divorce.

Today she called me ans said we need to talk. I said OK. She said she filed yesterday. I said what about our agreement to do it together and child custody separately? She said come over to talk. (I know her controlling family made her file because of the CC debt)

I went there. Took our son with me as well. We sat out to talk. I recorded it all. So here is roughly the conversation:

She started: You know I'm his mother and I love him more than my life and I carried him for 9 months and gave him birth etc.... I said OK, now tell me what you put in divorce application.

She said she put that I have to help her pay off $8000 ($4000 me) for her credit card which we spent together. I said OK I was going to help you pay anyway.

For the child she said she put shared custody. I said is it both physical and parental? She said yes. I asked her 2-3 times is she sure, she said you will receive papers (served) and you will see. If you disagree with anything talk to me to work it out. I said OK.

So if she is telling the truth, she filed the way I would file.

When I receive the papers I will CAREFULLY go through them, maybe even with the help of a lawyer, so I don't get screwed.

I told her that we have to attend "parenting after separation" before we can be granted custody. She said she did already I asked why didn't you tell me, I have to attend it to, she said no you don't. (But yes I do). I said I do and I will. So this shows she was preparing.

Now, if she filed for full custody, she would take the child today and keep him with her.

Then I fear maybe she didn't even file, maybe she is preparing. Can I find out if she did?

I asked how much did her the lawyer charge her, she said zero. Weird.

I asked does she want me to leave the child with her, she said she can't watch him, she will pick him up tomorrow night.

Later I called her to take child's SIN to open him a bank account. She said she can't pick the child tomorrow because something came up and she will be busy.

I asked how long until I get the papers from the lawyer. She said maybe 10-30 days.

When we talked there, she gave me a "suggestion" on how to treat our child equally. She told me exactly everything what i was going to tell her.

She said the lawyer was happy we are agreeing and not going through court.

My fears: She put shared custody but I need it detailed. Words (shared custody) is not enough. She said we agree between ourselves so why make rules? I think we need rules.

fear # 2. She did not even file. She told me we need to get our marriage certificate which we lost. I fear she will or did file for full custody.

All she asked me for is my full address so she can hand it to the lawyer.

My guess is I should wait for papers and see what they say. I wish I could find out if she actually filed or not.

I offered her to write an agreement for custody on a simple piece of paper and the 2 of us to sign but she refused (probably scared it may interfere with what she wrote.)

Any advice?

[standing on the sidelines]

well you do need the marriage certificate to file for divorce. You can get copies of it. As for doing an agreement that you make up and sign it probably would not be worth the paper it is written on if she decided to fight it.

I hate to say it but it is a wait and see thing unless you want to file yourself. Keep track of when she changes plans when she is suppose to have your son so you can show her history of changing her mind. Document everything and keep detailed records of your contact and conversations with her. When you say you recorded your conversation with her did she know you were doing it??

[Edward]

Does that mean she couldn't file if she had no marriage certificate?

Can I file even if she filed?

No she didn't know I recorded it because it is legal in Alberta

Can I find out if she filed?

[Edward]

Anyone has an opinion? I'm sorry I know it is long and my English makes it like a nonsense story but someone please help. I just want what's best for my child and I need to be part of his life.

[first timer]

you need the certificate or a copy to file for divorce

[standing on the sidelines]

You can file once you have a copy of the marriage certificate. Considering all the turmoil you seem to be going through not knowing if she filed, maybe it is best if you file and get things started.

[Edward]

I phoned around today and they told me she didn't need to have certificate of marriage to file, but will need when the documents go to court for approval. They also told me I can go to the court next week to do a search for a small fee, and I can also get a copy of her file application. So she either did file or at very least spoke to a lawyer. But if she spoke to a lawyer w/o filing and is planning to screw me, she wouldn't tell me.

I guess she did file. Child is still with me. Nothing changed yet.

BTW I'm getting a lawyer before I receive papers just to be little more on the safe side.

[Edward]

I received a letter today from a collectors agency on HER name which states that she spent over $4000 on her cellphone calling and texting long distance since she left in the 1st 4 months.

So it figures why she wants/filed for divorce but what hurts is that she was spending time on the phone instead of taking the care of the child. Child was with me.

My question is, if it comes to child custody battle, can this be used vs her?

[Stargate]

I received a letter today from a collectors agency on HER name which states that she spent over $4000 on her cellphone calling and texting long distance since she left in the 1st 4 months.

So it figures why she wants/filed for divorce but what hurts is that she was spending time on the phone instead of taking the care of the child. Child was with me.

My question is, if it comes to child custody battle, can this be used vs her?

The simple answer is no. If you and your wife cannot agree on child custody then the Court will intervene and render a judgment. Invariably, child custody is most often awarded to the mother and the father gets access to the children of the marriage unless you can show the Court the kids are better off with you. Access usually is once a week and every other weekend much like a video rental.

All assets and debts are split in two, whether in her name or yours is irrelevant.

[Edward]

The simple answer is no. If you and your wife cannot agree on child custody then the Court will intervene and render a judgment. Invariably, child custody is most often awarded to the mother and the father gets access to the children of the marriage unless you can show the Court the kids are better off with you. Access usually is once a week and every other weekend much like a video rental.

All assets and debts are split in two, whether in her name or yours is irrelevant.

Courts look at what is best interest for the child. The judge can make it shared custody despite what 1 or both parents want.

[Stargate]

Courts look at what is best interest for the child. The judge can make it shared custody despite what 1 or both parents want.

A Judge can issue any ruling. I am simply stating what most Judges rule in these cases.

[representingself]

Courts look at what is best interest for the child. The judge can make it shared custody despite what 1 or both parents want.

Yes, the courts TRY to determine what is best for the children; and individual desires are irrelevant.

However, if Mom and Dad aren't able to communicate and co-parent effectively, a Judge will not award Joint Custody/Shared Parenting.

Someone has to have the decision making power, otherwise you will just fight and disagree ALL of the time and end up constantly going to court.

As far as her cell phone bill... if it was accumulated after you seperated, it is a personal debt and you are technically not liable.
Not to say that if you co-signed and she doesn't pay, it wont destroy your credit rating.

Also, her cell phone bill is irrelevant....There is really nothing to "use against her" with regards to your custody battle.

Child welfare has nothing to do with her cell phone debt.

Stargate is absolutely correct. In MOST cases the mother is given legal custody, while the father has access rights.

[singledad99]

Not quite right Stargate and Representingself. Courts only reinforce what has been established through status quo. Most cases mothers have the status quo so it is obvious that they will get the final custody. In case of Edward, he has the status quo so the final custody will be awarded to him unless he is proved to be unfit parent for any reasons.

To answer Edward's point that the judge might order joint/shared custody against the parents' wishes, that is not correct. Judges will rarely order joint custody or shared custody unless both parents want it because no one can force any parent to work with other parent if they don't want to.

[representingself]

Agreed SD99....

I was generalizing, you worded it much better.

[Stargate]

Not quite right Stargate and Representingself. Courts only reinforce what has been established through status quo. Most cases mothers have the status quo so it is obvious that they will get the final custody. In case of Edward, he has the status quo so the final custody will be awarded to him unless he is proved to be unfit parent for any reasons.

The "status quo" in my case was that I was the caregiver of the children but custody was given to my ex-wife. The Courts clearly have a bias towards women being the custodial parent even when they don't deserve this. And my case is not unique.