help!

[mum24]

I Hhave been separated from my common law husband for 3 years now. We have 4 children together. All under the age of 10. We have a consent order in place that has the kids living with me and he gets them every other weekend, plus 2 hours on wednesday evening.
In November he remarried. The kids seem to like her. My 3 year is calling her mom, which I give him trouble for.
I started an action against him in January to have my child support raised based on his 2008 income. He is only paying me 1500 per month, no spousal support. A week after I served him, it turns out that he replies and is now asking for 50/50 access!!! I cannot believe it!
He now has the nerve to show up 1/2 an hour before picking them up asking for more time with the children - I will not let them leave the house till the agreed time.
And to top things off - I am getting emails from him asking for further access - I say no - not in the best interest of my children.
I am so angry, I have instructed my lawyer to request 20,000 more in section 7. He is fighting me on this. He will only pay child support for his income not the overtime, although he gave me 4000 in February to "shut me up".
I have also instructed my lawyer to cancel some of his access on wednesday nights.
Although he is a pretty good father, I hate to admit it - he never comes to the childrens sporting events when it is not on his access time. He never volunteers for fund raising! How can he think he is going to get 50/50?
He keeps trying to call the house to speak with the children, but it just makes the youngest ask to go to dads, so I do not answer his calls now.
I needd some advice! I am in a panic! What if he gets 50/50?

[supermean]

So you are using your kids as pawns to get more money? He has every right to be with his children just as you do. You also seem to be upset that he's moved on and has found a new woman whom your children like very much. I think him partnering up with a new woman is a material change that warrants change to current custody and access arrangement.

I don't know what kind of lawyer would advise you to cancel Wednesdays because that would make you in contempt of court order, thus making his case for access change stronger. He is also allowed to make reasonable phone calls to his children and you by not letting him do that, once again, shows your lack of good judgement of what's best interest of your children.

So my advice to you is to stop playing like you own the children and negotiate the CS and access without conditioning one to another.

[first timer]

I agree with supermean. Grow-up mum24 and actually do what is in the best interests of your children. You do need help, parenting classes come to mind.

[standing on the sidelines]

so he is a good father, he has married a woman the kids like,the kids have a good relationship with him and want to spend time with him.

You on the other hand give him grief over what the kids call his wife, want to increase CS (is this the first time in 3 years that you asked for an increase) want him to follow the agreement regarding access but feel like you can change it because you want to. How is it not in the best interest of the children to spend more time with a loving father and stepmother who they like? So what if he doesn't do fund raising??

I am thinking that all this started because he got married to someone else and not you. You are feeling bitter because he never married you even with the 4 kids you had together. A judge will see what you are doing and will see that it is in the best interest of the kids to spend more time with their father and if you are not careful he may get more then 50/50 custody.

[Suchislife]

A father seeing his 4 kids under the age of 10 for ONLY a couple hours on Wednesday's and every other weekend is ludicrous and totally unfair.

[billm]

You are being very very self centered. He is a good father by your own admisssion (and given your completly unreasonable attitude about everything you post, he is is probably a great father).

You are denying your own children access to their own parent, that makes me very sad for your children. What an aweful thing.

50/50 would be in the best interest of the children, I believe you have a right to retain 50% custody, but given what you have posted here your children really need the balance of both of their parents. What child woiuld not want to live with both their parents if they were both good parents? Yours probably do and the father has a right to raise his children as do you. Please share this wonderful thing with their father. It is about them, but also about the parents. You are paniced at the thought of having them only half the time, so please understand that their father is no different and is equally upset at the loss of time with them - have compassion for this man you had 4 children with.

I doubt very much that you will get a reply here that you hoped for, and so far everyone here is saying the same thing. Please please for your own sake as well as the children and your ex's listen to this advice. Some people come to this forum and receive a healthy dose of reality, as it seems you are, but unfortunatley they quickly leave the forum and disregard this advice. I hope you find the strength to change your viewpoint of how to share the raising of your children.

Here are my comments on your post - please try not to be offended, you came for an opinion and this is mine.

...In November he remarried. The kids seem to like her. My 3 year is calling her mom, which I give him trouble for.

You cannot control the thoughts and feelings of a 3 year old, so don't. You should be glad that the child is that comfortable in your ex's house. I understand the jealousy you feel, or the threat, but when I worry about this I simply think of my father or my mother and I know that there can never be anyone that replaces them. You are threatened and it is understandable, but you are the one that has to change, not the chid.

I started an action against him in January to have my child support raised based on his 2008 income. He is only paying me 1500 per month, no spousal support.

CS should be based on income, no argument there, and adjusted UP or DOWN yearly as incomes change.

A week after I served him, it turns out that he replies and is now asking for 50/50 access!!! I cannot believe it!

Why is that hard to believe? You want your children with you, so does he. Now that he is married and his life is stable again, he sees his mistake in not pursing 50/50 and wants to see and raise his children as much as possible as do you.

He now has the nerve to show up 1/2 an hour before picking them up asking for more time with the children - I will not let them leave the house till the agreed time.

You are being very petty. What an aweful scene with him waiting and you telling the children they cannot go. You have the children almost all the time and you are being unreasonable. This is clearly stressful to everyone including yourself, you have to be flexible to reduce stress on the kids, and that includes times when the other parent does something you disagree with. 30 minutes??? and you are probably exaggerating as most people do, so you really need to lighten up.

And to top things off - I am getting emails from him asking for further access - I say no - not in the best interest of my children.

They are not your children, they are equally both of yours, yet you are using them as a pawn.

I am so angry,

Anger has no place when dealing with custody. Find help to deal with your anger.

I have instructed my lawyer to request 20,000 more in section 7.

This sounds like a crazy amount, and rounded to the nearest 10K?? What could that possibly be for? Do you want section 7 for actual expenses or for possible ones? You should only be reimbursed for actual section 7 expenses. And remember asking your lawyer does not make it so, it just costs you money when you ask for something unreasonable.

He is fighting me on this. He will only pay child support for his income not the overtime, although he gave me 4000 in February to "shut me up".

$4k is a lot of support, so he in fact is payirng for his overtime. I assume that he just does not want to make it a permanent part of CS because his overtime may go away at any time. He is not fighting you, he paid you more, you are just looking for a fight because you are angry. You should be grateful, he make good money and works overtime to provide for his family. Do you work as hard?

I have also instructed my lawyer to cancel some of his access on wednesday nights.

At least you are following the agreement, that is good. You should not mix access and support issues. You are trying to punish him over your money issues and you are angry, but in the end you are punishing everyone including your own children.

Although he is a pretty good father, I hate to admit it - he never comes to the childrens sporting events when it is not on his access time. He never volunteers for fund raising!

He is a good father. You are separate so stay out of his business on how he does his parenting and he should stay out of yours. Do you want to be judged by him?

How can he think he is going to get 50/50?

Because he is the father, he and the kids deserve to be together, as do you. Also, given this post if you fought this all the way to court I think that you would be jeopardizing YOUR access to the kids because you are clearly mixing your anger toward him with your decisions for your children.

He keeps trying to call the house to speak with the children, but it just makes the youngest ask to go to dads, so I do not answer his calls now.

That is out right abusing your children. Stop it.

I needd some advice! I am in a panic! What if he gets 50/50?

You have received advice, now what are you going to do?

Separation of family is a terrible thing, but it happens and you need to adjust your thinking that they are only your kids and get your anger under control.

In my head I often use the term 'validate their lives'. When I am conflicted about this whole separation of family thing, I recognize that I cannot change it and as much as a broken family hurts me, I have to accept it. If I do not, the children will pick up on it and they will feel that their life, of living in a separated family, is not a valid thing, and in the end that will effect them immensly. So I constantly check with myself, is what I am doing or saying validating their lives? If not then I change what I am doing.

Stop fighting him, work with him, stop using the lawyers, allow the 50/50 access, adjust CS and section 7 expense ratios yearly based on each of your incomes, be flexible with schedules. Get some therapy and print off this thread and bring it in to your therapist.

Being a parent is a selfless act. At the risk of sounding arrogant, if you love your children and act on that love, you will heed the advice given by this forum. In the end you will be settled and happy as well your children.

[mum24]

Well thank you for the replies. I beg to disagree however. I have given him more than generous access - so I cannot see a judge disagreeing with me. Also, it should be noted that I do not feel comfortable with my children in his care for longer periods. Firstly, my ex has depressive issues and is on an anti-depressant. Secondly, he has been known to spank the children on occasion. Also, if the children do not behave, he refuses to allow them to participate in their sporting events. And this is only ever other weekend. Two of my children have hockey commitments - they need to show up for their team members. He is not teaching them responsiblity.
The other question that I have - is do you think I could use this in court - he gets upset with me when I drop by his house to see the children...I like to bring them presents or treats to let them know I am thinking of them and missing them.
My ex keeps asking for 50/50 custody every year at mediation, but as you can see, I cannot allow this to happen. And now this year, he is wanting to take it to court. Well I don't mind fighting this in court. My lawyer has even suggested that he will be responsible for my legal bills for bullying me with this unrealistic action.
The section 7 expenses are legitimate. I have children in hockey, lacrosse, swimming, soccer, baseball, ballet, music lessons. Plus there are school fees, busing fees, sporting equipment, tournament costs ect. He thinks the children are in too many activities, that his time with the children is spent driving them around sitting at these things and that he cannot afford it. Well, he just bought himself a new house and a new car - how can he not afford these things for the children? Every year, I take him to mediation to mediate these very real needs for the children.
Also, he has a huge proposed 50/50 "parenting plan" in which the children would not be going to their day home but instead to his mothers. Well. She is so old! She is almost 65 - what if something happened to her or the children? This is the irresponsiblity that he is showing.
As far as him calling the house - I do not feel this is abuse but in the best interest of the children - it only upsets them when he calls.
I have taken parenting classes, I know how to be a great mother, my children love me. We have a great life together, they are my life. I am 100% dedicated to their needs. This is not about him moving on. It is not about money either. He has said he will continue to pay the full amounts. It is about the status quo and the children. They are fine seeing him every other weekend. Honestly, I grew up without a father. Children need their mothers even more. And so says the majority of court orders.
Sorry for the long reply and for disagreeing. But you have to admit - the courts are most likely going to agree with me.

[standing on the sidelines]

Nope I cannot see the courts agreeing with you. You stop by his house to see the kids on his time with them? That is overstepping. If the kids do not behave then they cannot attend things? That shows then kids that there are consequences for their actions, so to me he is being responsible. If he is on anti-depressants then that shows he is getting the help he needs and shows responsibility on his part again. Maybe he is right that the kids are involved in too much stuff. So you think the ballet, lacrosse etc are very real needs for the kids. Sorry but food clothing and shelter are real needs, the other stuff is luxury.

As for the last comment that kids do not really need a father because you did not have one well do not punish him because your own father ignored you. He wants to be an involved parent so let him be one. All you are doing is hurting the kids.

I think when this goes to court you will be in for a surprise.

[supermean]

Firstly, my ex has depressive issues and is on an anti-depressant.

Excuse me but didn't you say he is a good father. I think you are only upset because your children might be liking him more than you.

Secondly, he has been known to spank the children on occasion. Also, if the children do not behave, he refuses to allow them to participate in their sporting events. And this is only ever other weekend. Two of my children have hockey commitments - they need to show up for their team members. He is not teaching them responsiblity.

Again, you just said he is a good father. You are contradicting your own statement by bringing up spanking (which by the way is very much legal in Canada). Kids need to learn to behave and as they grow older the discipline methods should change. I think teaching them responsibility includes making them accountable for their actions.

The other question that I have - is do you think I could use this in court - he gets upset with me when I drop by his house to see the children...I like to bring them presents or treats to let them know I am thinking of them and missing them.

You better hope he does not use this in the court against you because that is just sick. He get one weekend after two weeks most of which is spent driving the kids to activities that you chose. So the very little father-children time they have is ruined by your insecurity feeling. Totally wrong!

My ex keeps asking for 50/50 custody every year at mediation, but as you can see, I cannot allow this to happen. And now this year, he is wanting to take it to court. Well I don't mind fighting this in court. My lawyer has even suggested that he will be responsible for my legal bills for bullying me with this unrealistic action.

I am very curious. Who is your lawyer? I think he/she only wants to milk you for legal fees. He has a material change which does warrant re-examination of custody/access arrangements. He's been a terrific father. He loves the children, disciplines them, takes them to activities, pays the support and negotiates issues in peaceful manner; I am afraid you might end up paying his costs for being unreasonable.

The section 7 expenses are legitimate. I have children in hockey, lacrosse, swimming, soccer, baseball, ballet, music lessons. Plus there are school fees, busing fees, sporting equipment, tournament costs ect. He thinks the children are in too many activities, that his time with the children is spent driving them around sitting at these things and that he cannot afford it.

I am starting to think that its not the kids needs, its your intention to keep children occupied so they won't have time for their father.

Well, he just bought himself a new house and a new car - how can he not afford these things for the children? Every year, I take him to mediation to mediate these very real needs for the children.

Again we see a pattern of you being vindictive and jealous. You need to move on with your life and leave him alone. I am sure if you work hard enough you can afford those things too.

Also, he has a huge proposed 50/50 "parenting plan" in which the children would not be going to their day home but instead to his mothers. Well. She is so old! She is almost 65 - what if something happened to her or the children? This is the irresponsiblity that he is showing.

That is a genuine concern but rather than rejecting the whole plan you need to work on details with him.

As far as him calling the house - I do not feel this is abuse but in the best interest of the children - it only upsets them when he calls.

Hmmmm...it upsets them because you won't let the children see his as often as they desire.

I have taken parenting classes, I know how to be a great mother, my children love me. We have a great life together, they are my life. I am 100% dedicated to their needs. This is not about him moving on. It is not about money either. He has said he will continue to pay the full amounts. It is about the status quo and the children. They are fine seeing him every other weekend.

Sorry but I don't agree with your claim. You're only seeing your kids needs through your own eyes.

Honestly, I grew up without a father. Children need their mothers even more. And so says the majority of court orders.

I feel sorry for you and part of your behaviour is because you don't know the value of a father. There have been numerous studies, reports and researches that prove how fathers are just as important as mothers. Your kids do not need to live your life. Let them have them their own.

Sorry for the long reply and for disagreeing. But you have to admit - the courts are most likely going to agree with me.

I am sure your lawyer has told you that but I don't see that happening. So, do yourself and your kids a favour and don't go to the court. But hey if you want to learn it hard way, this is a free country after all.

[mum24]

I guess that I do not understand why his marriage warrants a material change? I mean come on! The wife is not even a mother! He has yet to parent his own children except when someone is there to help him. Honestly. How is the in the best interests of the children?
As far as the extra activities - children require sports - not a luxury in my mind. From reading these forums, I guess I do not understand how he has a leg to stand on. The impression that I get is that every other weekend and a week day access is MORE than far.
Today, I took one of my children to a soccer game, and there he was with the wife. He is only there because I made the complaint that he never watches the kids when it is not on his time.
Also, another point to take and consider is this: I am the one who takes the children to doctors, dentists. I am the one who is making the appointments. And the feeling that I am getting is that he can just sit back and critize the choices I make. I am the one deciding on schools and routines for my chilldren. I am the one signing them up for the activities and driving them around 90% of the time.
I was the one who decided that he should leave our home and he agreed that was for the best. This is the thing that is upsetting me, the children have the same home they have had since birth and now he wants to up root them to a house they do not know. To a neighbourhood they do not know. Where they do not have their friends.
He is not thinking about the childrens needs at all. I hope any judge would see that. How would I end up paying his legal fees? He is the one asking for such an outrageous thing.
I cannot believe how worried I am about this.
Does anyone know anything about parenting coordinators also? He is asking for one...I don't think I like the idea of someone thinking they know best about my children. Plus the coordinator he has named is a man. You can see why this worries me I hope.

[doingmybest]

I am not sure if I have read everything clearly...however:

1) If your arrangement with your children has been every other weekend, and 2 hrs Wednesday nights....the court likes status quo. Do not change this, and ask for it to remain the same (unless there is provable issues that your children are in harms way)

2) If your ex is not coming to see the children at school events, school meet the teacher, sporting events..that are not on his time, document this.

3) Your ex most likely will ask for a Child Advocacy lawyer/or councellor to get involved, which means visitation to your house to see your interaction with the children...and then visitation to his house to see visitation (and this is only 1 hr of time, believe me he can stage the "best dad in the world" in 1 hr...as can you stage "best mom in the world".) This person will also talk to the children, the teachers of the children and so forth.

4) Joint custody will only happen if you and your ex can agree....you can go for sole custody based on the fact that you cannot get along and that you cannot make decisions together.

5) As for 50/50....he will have the children more, yes, but that would mean you would have a decrease in expenses...so you won't need as much CS. And most of the CS you are receiving now should be going into a sep. account for your children when they are older...and NOT used by you for you.

6) Do not stop the phone calls. You can tape them, if you feel he is saying inappropriate things....

7) The court believes the best interest of the child is being in contact with both parents. Do not turn this into a mom vs dad. Some dads are fantastic, some moms are fantastic, some children get both, some only one or the other....be fantastic. Be happy that their dad is wanting to be good too. (some of us don't get that, I have to put up with a dad that treats his daughter like a materialist thing and not a human being)

I feel that you were attacked by others on the forum...we do not know your situation, nor what you went through.

You must focus on your children and what is best for them. Please stay positive, do not speak against him or his new wife, your children will see who is the loving parent, based on how you spend your time with them, and who is their for them when they are in school plays, sporting events etc....they will see it, maybe not now, but when they are older. And that is the most important thing. You do not want them remembering you as the one who would put down their dad.

As for the "step-mom"....you are their mom, be the best mom you can be, they will love you....kids love their teachers and call them mom sometimes too...so don't worry about it! Plus if the "step mom" is a respectful person she will ask the children not to call her mom, as it is not her place. This will tell you what kind of person she is, if she wants them to call her mom, she doesn't really love them, she just wants to get under your skin. So let it go, and be the best mom for your kids, show them love, patience, attention, and understanding.

Good luck.

[mum24]

Really? I am going to ask my lawyer about sole custody. As it stands right now, we have joint custody. I would love to be able to stop all access altogether, and I suppose sole custody would be the way to do this. And all I have to do is prove that we cannot get along? That is great news! What a relief.
As far as a councellor involved to come to my home and talk to the school ect. This again worries me, as he is constantly at the school talking with the teachers - I don't know why he bothers doing this. But is this what he is asking for when he is asking for a parenting coordinator?
I am going to go ahead and talk with my lawyer tomorrow about changing to sole custody. I also did not know that we had to get along for 50/50 access - I can make sure this does not happen
Thank you for the heads up on this.

[tmcelrea]

mum24....what would you do if the kids father died? Would you survive without the extra income?

I get the impression that you are still trying to play the stay at home Mom by holding onto all of the same responsibilities that you had when you were a family. How can you be upset about what little role their father plays in the kids lives when you have them 90% of the time. And when he listens to your feedback and starts to show up at the kids events, you chastise him?

Unless the father is a negative influence on the kids (criminal activites, drug user, suicidial, etc.) there is no reasonable excuse for the kids to not have 50/50 access between the mother and father. Afterall, wasn't he a good enough father when you were together?

Three years since your separation and you still haven't moved on? Stop paying attention to what is going on in his life and worry about your own. You say that your kids are you life, etc.....what are you going to do when they grow up and leave? You can't define your life by how you raised your kids. You need to find something else to occupy your time with.

They will grow up resenting you for how little you let them see their father and you WILL lose them. When they get old enough they will decide for themselves who they want to visit. You say that they are fine seeing their father every other weekend....but that's not what they are vocalizing is it? That is how you feel about their access.

He is willing and able to look after the kids.....let him. New home, new nieghbourhood....kids have the ability to adapt to new situations without any negative impacts. They can always explore the new neighbourhood and make new friends. They can always have sleep overs with their friends, etc.

Instead of pointing out all of the negatives, ask yourself....what are you doing to help the kids spend more time with their Dad? What are you doing to enable them? What would you do if the situation was reversed and you had them only every second weekend with the two hour visit each week?

Is that enough time for him to help them with their school work? Is that enough time to ask them how was their day? Was that enough time for them to ask their father for advice on any of their issues that they don't want to talk to you about?

As for the legal matters, you need to take some time to read divorce court cases involving parental access. You would be surprized. Don't believe everything your lawyer is feeding you.

[copper]

You need to wake up and smell the coffee!!! Sole custody has nothing to do with the father's parental right's to see the children. Sole custody does not affect his access one iota.

IMO Having read this whole thread I am really suspicious as to wether mum24 is actually a figment of someone's imagination.......

[billm]

...IMO Having read this whole thread I am really suspicious as to wether mum24 is actually a figment of someone's imagination.......

I was just about to post the same thought.

mum24, if you are real, you are a complete nightmare to yourself, your ex, and your children.

If you are not real, then you have provided an interesting thread, for what purpose I cannot imagine....