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Hello all,
I was clearing old emails and found notifications from this forum. I had completely forgotten about this and remembered the anxiety and soul crushing stress my then GF (now Wife) went through during that trying year.
Here is the original now closed thread:
https://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/...ds?view=thread
Coles note version: My GF and I won mobility rights to move from Moncton to Quebec City with her then 17 month child. read the thread, it's worth IMO. but up to you.
And here are some reflections I'd like to share from how life, custody, court battles etc.. went on over the last decade and half or so.
1 - Don't give up. Fight for what you believe and fight hard. the main reason we actually won this incredible unlikely and up-hill battle is because we hired an investigator at significant cost to prove he wasn't actually exercising his visitation and dumping the child on various friends and family members. In the year and a half or so, prior to the court proceedings, we had documented proof by a third party of him seeing our daughter less than 1/3 of the time he had her. the judge was shocked. Biodad was shocked. they gave up on the second part when were supposed to present our case and went for mediation, to our favour of course. in 2015, we moved again from Quebec City to Ottawa, he tried to bring us back to court and we made it clear that 1. his time with the child won't change and 2. we were more than willing to do this dance again and he thought better of it.
2 - It's not easy even after you win. the first 5 years after we moved 800km was a bit of a nightmare. the Biodad was completely inept at parenting, bitter at losing and uninterested in actually spending time with the child. he brought us back to court (in NB, no less) to reduce his child support so he can visit. the child support was whittled down to 109$ monthly and the judge waived over 8000$ of day care fees he owed. in 5 years, he visited twice. He once called the RCMP on us claiming that the 10 days during winter leave entitled him to both Christmas and New years, that was a dumb move and backfired on him in a profound way. which brings me to the next point.
3 - Don't be the a**hole! It's funny writing this, I was an angry young man back then but i lucked out and had an amazing lawyer that tempered my moods. Compared to Biodad horrid behaviour supported by a lawyer only interested in making money.... the result was not great for them. As a side note, telling the judge '' this shouldn't even be in court because ''the baby she's pregnant with might not even be born'' is an extremely bad look no matter how you justify it or try to backpedal. trying to block our daughter to be at our wedding because ''it wasn't right'' also backfired.... don't be the a**hole...
4 - Don't bad mouth the other parent!!! we made a point to never point out all the many... MANY issues with her Biodad. He did not. My wife and I were demonized in every way. From racist comment on my skin colour to us ''going to the bad place after we die'' because we didn't share their religious beliefs. Kid's will remember this and will not like it. once again this backfired against Biodad (and his mother) when our daughter was done dealing with this BS.
5 - Just because you get along now doesn't mean you won't ever get along. 2020 was weird effing time man... to be honest, by that point, our battle was 10 years ago, he moved on and got married, but never had another child (thank god...). but we actually get along quite well, drop offs for his visitations are no longer similar to a prisoner exchange over no man's land. we're actually friendly, discuss vacation plans, we're flexible with visitation in case he wants to plan something special, we coordinate gifts and stuff. he's still extremely reluctant to spend any money on her, but it's fine, she has everything she needs from us. Relations are cordial, and everyone is happier for it. try to not hold a grudge.
6 - Take people's advice with a grain of salt. If you read the forum you'll see some pretty outlandish advice ''buy him a house'' holy hell, I know houses were cheaper back then but that is insane. ''bribe Biodad'' talk to your lawyer and see what he says about that lol. and some other people like ''WorkingDad'' are bitter as all hell and will discourage you at every point. I'm not saying don't consider what you read on forums, but taking with a grain of salt. Speaking of the last mention, ''Workingdad'' asserted that ''And than by age 10 your daughter will hate both of you. Mom for taking her away from Dad. And Dad for let it happened... I do not see it as win situation but may be that just me. Well may be you personally win but kid lose. Kid biggest loser always when parent's think only about themselves''. well I’m here 14 years later and laughing my a** off at that. stay tuned for conclusion!
We're now living all together, happy in Ottawa 1 200km away from where it all started. My wife and I had 2 more daughters, and all three of them are healthy and love each other. my oldest daughter (yes, MY daughter in every sense that matters to me) is incredibly happy, we're close and spend as much time as we can together. she turned 16 recently and I’m very proud of her and how she turned out.
and that's it folks. I hope it brings some hope to some of you and make other think twice about the things they write here. I definitely hope it helps someone out there as I think these are things I would have liked to know 14 years ago. as for myself, I see it as a kind of vindication from all the nay sayers and accusations. I guess it's a closure I didn't even think was around the corner when I woke up this morning.
Regards,
Johnny.
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