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  • What to do

    Mom and dad have 50/50 custody of a 13 y.o. child, one week on, one week off.
    Parenting styles are very different.
    One parent allowes child to stay up until 2-3am, phone/internet usage with no parental control. Clothing and stuff are only brand names, tik tok, etc. Almost no responsibilities.

    Another parent tries to maintain reasonable rules, proper bed time, controls internet usage, buys regular good quality items, demans home work to be done, cleaning after themselves, etc.

    School complains about rude behavior, bad grades.

    Back in September child refused to go to the stricter parent. Asked why? Responded: I don't like the vibe there. You hurt my feelings. Your spouse tells me what to do, etc.

    Any remark child doesn't like (you need to go to bed at 9), immediately hurt feelings, etc.

    Conversation with another parent went no where. Here is a quote from them (in writing): "Why don't you realize that life is not a book and you can't just go by it . rules are made to be bent you know".

    Questions.
    How to convince the child to resume the schedule?
    Will the strickter parent lose their 50/50 custody?
    What to do?

    Thank you​

  • #2
    1. Bribery and a lot of relenting.

    2. You wouldn't lose custody - just your parenting time. This includes paying full table support now.

    3. There are many reasons kids leave. Gotta look within. Harsh rules, control, new family, etc. You have to choose if those moral teachings, which are awesome in the long run, are worth losing your kids now over. It's usually not what happens but how you handle it.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Jurassic Park View Post

      Back in September child refused to go to the stricter parent. Asked why? Responded: I don't like the vibe there. You hurt my feelings. Your spouse tells me what to do, etc.
      It is already December, do you even see your child or talk to?

      I'd be mega concerned for school - next year your kid is going to High School - many of them have hard time as is, but in your case kid may be a drop out




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      • #4
        Oh, WOW! If bribery is the only way, that's sad. What about raising a good person? Rules are not harsh. They are a normal set of rules: go to bed at 9-10, do your homework, clean up after yourself, no name stuff works just as brand name does. Is this harsh? I guess so, compared to the other household where "rules are made to bend." Is the new family to be destroyed?
        Can a 13-year-old child choose where to live?

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        • #5
          Originally posted by d4k View Post
          It is already December, do you even see your child or talk to?

          I'd be mega concerned for school - next year your kid is going to High School - many of them have hard time as is, but in your case kid may be a drop out.
          Yes and yes. The parent is very concerned. Any suggestions as to what to do?

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          • #6
            You know your kid better. Considering you still see your child, try to re-enforce that bond, maybe offer a trip somewhere, go to the movie, fishing, skating or skiing etc. Unless child brings topic of school, I wouldn't either. I would probably meet with teacher though to get their feedback. They see your child more than you or your ex.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by d4k View Post
              You know your kid better. Considering you still see your child, try to re inforce that bond, maybe offer a trip somewhere, go to the movie, fishing, skating or skiing etc. Unless child brings topic of school, I wouldn't either. I would probably meet with teacher though to get their feedback. They see your child more than you or your ex.
              A number of activities were offered, including counsellung together with that parent. All declined except for one: trip to a mall, 2x on one weekend. Communications via text and phone are happening. Teacher-parent interviews at school were attended. Questions are asked: How can I help you? What would you like to change? Explain what does/doesn't work for you? What happened in September? No response except, I don't like the wibe, don't want your spouse to talk to me, and some other nonsensical stuff.

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              • #8
                Parenting after divorce is a lot different. It is more likely your issue. Offering counseling does nothing for kid; referring to their concerns as nonsensical is worse. Focus on you - not kid or ex.

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                • #9
                  Counselling won't bring you anywhere if child says no, and many of them at this age will decline it.

                  Did you try analyzing relationships between your new partner and your child? The same reminder to do homework from parent vs new partner is interpreted very differently. Moreover, the child is important to you, but not necessarily to your new partner, who may be willing for lesser compromises.
                  If there are new children, it will be another concern. If your partner never had children it is also a concern, just a different one.


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                  • #10
                    If the other house has no rules then your house has to do that too. The other parent won't want to change things so you have to change things to keep kid coming. As much as it sucks, that's how it has to be.

                    When you are dealing with a co parent who doesn't want to parent, they will be the better option for a kid who doesn't want rules.

                    Either accept it and change your approach or pay full table and never see your kid.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                      If the other house has no rules then your house has to do that too. The other parent won't want to change things so you have to change things to keep kid coming. As much as it sucks, that's how it has to be.

                      When you are dealing with a co parent who doesn't want to parent, they will be the better option for a kid who doesn't want rules.

                      Either accept it and change your approach or pay full table and never see your kid.
                      It might be too late to change rules - child already said no. The OP knows the situation better, but maybe sticking to his principles isn't that bad idea. What I am trying to say abandoning rules in his house is unlikely to return that child.

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                      • #12
                        Compromise. Talk with the kid and see if you can come to a middle ground where you're both more comfortable.

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                        • #13
                          Love bombing a child is a tactic used by one parent as part of their campaign to alienate a child from another parent. It is a form of child abuse when used as part of a campaign of child-parent relationship interference. The parent who engages in such behaviours does not care about their child but only about the money they get in child support. Tragically those children will suffer long term consequences and many will not function well in society.

                          One way that can be used is to have all child support stopped and put into a trust fund for the child. I am involved in a case from Nova Scotia where the judge ordered child support ($800 per month) from the father to be stopped to the mother as the mother was blocking access. Another case I was involved in a number of years ago, the judge ordered a $1000 a day fine to the offending parent in regards to a 13 year old girl. The very next day, the 13 year old girl complied with the existing parenting schedule.

                          I believe that with the presentation of well documented evidence to demonstrate child-parent relationship interference that a court could be convinced to terminate child support on a temporary basis and order the offending party to attend parenting education classes. The risk of financial penalty is a great motivator that does not require any police enforcement of access.

                          Attached is a document in pdf which contains a checklist for Child-Parent relationship interference. It can be used as supporting evidence in family court if presented properly in family court.

                          [Removed]
                          Last edited by blinkandimgone; 01-22-2024, 07:34 AM.

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