Visit after six months

[Berner_Faith]

Hello members,

Haven’t been here for a while but thought I’d come ask a question on a situation.

Mom and Dad separated in September 2022, Dad decided at end of December to move 16 hour away to a different province than where the kids are. Kids are all under 6… Dad has not saw the kids since he left and has tentatively stated he wants to come back in June for a weekend to visit. He has only talked to the kids via FaceTime four times since he left. Mom wants Dad involved in the kids life and has tried to keep him updated, telling me he needs to call more or answer the kids call but he just doesn’t.

The last time he had the kids alone, he took them to a hotel where he fell asleep on them at 6pm… the kids could not wake him up and had to fend for themselves all night. This has upset the kids and they often bring up that time dad fell asleep on them. Mom doesn’t know how to navigate this situation and visit… she wants them to spend time with dad (even though they will be devastated when he leaves again) but given it will be six months since his last visit should overnights be allowed? The youngest was a year old when dad left and after all this time really doesn’t know who dad is. The kids have said they don’t want to spend a night with dad at a hotel but given their ages don’t really have a say.

How does it usually work when a parent has been absent for six months and then wants to visit?


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[Smo3]

Thanks for posting berner… my accent has been approved so I am able to post now. This post was about my situation. Any advice is welcome.

We have a small parenting agreement signed between us where dad gave me final decision making, agrees kids live with me full time and when he plans to be back in Ontario we will work out parenting time for him. I offered him 50-50 if he moved back to Ontario but he has no interest. At the time we signed the agreement I never thought he'd just leave for months at a time and I really thought he'd want to talk to his kids more.

Our oldest son is having a hard time. The four times he's spoken to his dad, the next 2-3 days he ends up peeing his pants. He's four and has been fully potty trained for years. His teachers can always tell when Dad has called.

How do I help my children through this?


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[rockscan]

I son't think it's unreasonable for him to have the kids all day and then return them to mom for the night. Especially since they are having such difficulty afterwards. My husband travelled to see his kids and they went home at night rather than a hotel stay. I would suggest that to dad in a way that outlines it takes some of the pressure off him while still having the kids as fully as he can. He made the decision to leave so he doesn't have much say in the matter.

I would also suggest a good therapist who can help manage transitions. Especially if dad plans to move back to Ontario. The kids will need some support on transitioning and it will help mom too as she navigates this and provides support. It is not uncommon for regression or other issues (like nightmares) to pop up after this. Technically dad is a stranger and it does impact them to be with him and not mom overnight.

Mom sounds incredibly reasonable so he needs to work with her not against her. If it went to court there would be conditions put on the visits.

[Smo3]

I son't think it's unreasonable for him to have the kids all day and then return them to mom for the night. Especially since they are having such difficulty afterwards. My husband travelled to see his kids and they went home at night rather than a hotel stay. I would suggest that to dad in a way that outlines it takes some of the pressure off him while still having the kids as fully as he can. He made the decision to leave so he doesn't have much say in the matter.

I would also suggest a good therapist who can help manage transitions. Especially if dad plans to move back to Ontario. The kids will need some support on transitioning and it will help mom too as she navigates this and provides support. It is not uncommon for regression or other issues (like nightmares) to pop up after this. Technically dad is a stranger and it does impact them to be with him and not mom overnight.

Mom sounds incredibly reasonable so he needs to work with her not against her. If it went to court there would be conditions put on the visits.

Thank you rockscan… this is what I was hoping for. He can take them all day and do their thing but having them overnight will be stressful for the kids. They don't even do well sleeping over at their aunts that they see often, without mom.

I do want my kids to have a relationship with their dad… I wish he'd be closer for them or failing that calling a few times a week so they can maintain their relationship. The older two obviously know he's their dad, the youngest has no idea.

I have been trying to find a therapist for the kids but in our area they don't start seeing kids until age six. I have some calls out for ones an hour away that will hopefully see young kids. It's been hard on them. And honestly, as much as I'd welcome the small break from the kids, I want them to be comfortable and safe.


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[StillPaying]

I disagree here.

I believe you could help your kids by taking a parenting after divorce course. We all go through the same feeling - ex won't be able to handle it; poor kids. They'll be fine. 1 facetime per month is good, kids peeing their pants the next 3 days speaks to how they're handling it at your house with you.

• Mom wants Dad involved in the kids life
• she wants them to spend time with dad
• I offered him 50-50 if he moved back to Ontario
• We have a small parenting agreement signed between us where dad gave me final decision making, agrees kids live with me full time and when he plans to be back in Ontario we will work out parenting time for him

If this went to court, I would bet everything that ex gets overnight with his kids. The limited time the kids get with their parent is in their best interest; preferably 50/50, but give them what they can get.

[Smo3]

I disagree here.

I believe you could help your kids by taking a parenting after divorce course. We all go through the same feeling - ex won't be able to handle it; poor kids. They'll be fine. 1 facetime per month is good, kids peeing their pants the next 3 days speaks to how they're handling it at your house with you.



If this went to court, I would bet everything that ex gets overnight with his kids. The limited time the kids get with their parent is in their best interest; preferably 50/50, but give them what they can get.

I have a feeling you have no knowledge or education in what you're saying. I'd love for their dad to be in their life, he has chosen not to. A call a month is not acceptable. How does that maintain a relationship with their kids? You missed the part where i said I offered 50/50, he didn't want it. A child peeing their pants after speaking to their father has nothing to do with me. It's how they are processing talking to their father. If he doesn't call for weeks the child is fine. He calls, the next few days the child wets their pants. This has also been documented by the school as this is where it tends to happen. Your attempt to put me down as a mother has failed. Good try though

You also are assuming I have not taken courses. That is where you are 100% wrong. I have taken the courses, I attend my own therapy to try and navigate the situation. Childhood trauma is real, to brush off that kids will be fine, just speaks to how you actually view children. A parent doesn't just get to walk in and out of their kids life. If he wants to take me to court he is welcome to. He won't though.


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[StillPaying]

4 months vs years. No dramatic in and outs. I'm sure the cs isn't the issue. This is a new situation for ex too. Your comments contradict themselves. If ex moves back, 50/50 is fine. If he wants them all day one day, that's fine. If ex can only do a weekend 2-3 times a year, that's not good for kids.
It'll take time but eventually you'll be ok, then your kids will pick up on that from you. Honour your agreement. Support their relationship.

[Smo3]

4 months vs years. No dramatic in and outs. I'm sure the cs isn't the issue. This is a new situation for ex too. Your comments contradict themselves. If ex moves back, 50/50 is fine. If he wants them all day one day, that's fine. If ex can only do a weekend 2-3 times a year, that's not good for kids.
It'll take time but eventually you'll be ok, then your kids will pick up on that from you. Honour your agreement. Support their relationship.

It will actually be six months if he decides to come back, then won't be back until Christmas. It's okay to admit you were wrong and made assumptions. Yes if he moved back he could have 50/50 because he would be consistent and they would absolutely adapt. Ex isn't paying support but again you're assuming I'm not wanting him to have time because of support. Maybe I should take him to court for support? I am sure you'd be supportive of that right?

Are you saying that 2-3 times a year is appropriate and doesn't make children wonder where their father is?


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[noteasy]

I am not going to read all of that.
Your ex fell asleep, exhaustion happens. It seems like you are making a bigger deal of it than it is. By that I mean you are complaining but not helping with a productive solution.

For this you can propose to your ex that he sets up a call with you (or someone he chooses) once or twice on that weekend (for the next one or two visits) in a way that doesn’t offend him. Be nice, he may have felt bad about that.

[Smo3]

I am not going to read all of that.
Your ex fell asleep, exhaustion happens. It seems like you are making a bigger deal of it than it is. By that I mean you are complaining but not helping with a productive solution.

For this you can propose to your ex that he sets up a call with you (or someone he chooses) once or twice on that weekend (for the next one or two visits) in a way that doesn’t offend him. Be nice, he may have felt bad about that.

Yea exhaustion does happen, but when you are a parent and responsible for children you make sure it doesn't happen. It's irresponsible. Feeling bad doesn't change the fact it happened. Either way, doesn't matter, he has decided he can't afford to come back and will "try" for August. He also missed calling the kids the past two weekends because "he had stuff to do"... but yea... I am the bad parent...

[blinkandimgone]

Reminder: if you have nothing of value to add to a thread, please move on to other threads. Keep posts on topic, no attacking and insulting other members.

if you have any issues with moderation, please contact a mod or admin directly. Moderation issues will not be dealt with in threads.

Smo, my apologies that you thread was so massively derailed with this ridiculousness. Hopefully we can stay on topic now.

[Jeff]

Reminder: if you have nothing of value to add to a thread, please move on to other threads. Keep posts on topic, no attacking and insulting other members.

if you have any issues with moderation, please contact a mod or admin directly. Moderation issues will not be dealt with in threads.

Smo, my apologies that you thread was so massively derailed with this ridiculousness. Hopefully we can stay on topic now.

Thanks blink.