Telling my teenaged kids of her affair

[rockscan]

I guess it is worth to consider that OP doesn't live in a vacuum, and while he could be an excellent parent that won't involve children in adult matter and won't tell them anything, there is a great possibility that his ex already told them "her version of story" and very possible her version quite far from being true.

And in that case the kids would probably turn to him for support and everything that I said would happen if he told them would be true for her.

Unless this is simply him wanting to beat her to hurting the kids. In which case the adage two wrongs don't make a right is true.

[noteasy]

I guess it is worth to consider that OP doesn't live in a vacuum, and while he could be an excellent parent that won't involve children in adult matter and won't tell them anything, there is a great possibility that his ex already told them "her version of story" and very possible her version quite far from being true.

Absolutely true.
There have been some distasteful judgmental posts towards the OP. Not saying the OP is right or wrong.

[blinkandimgone]

Telling the kids is a colosally bad idea, regardless of their ages. You've asked for advice and opinions on it, not one person has indicated it is a good idea, because it isn't. There is zero good or positive outcome to be had from telling them.

This is an adult issue between you and your ex and it should stay there.

[Rioe]

I'm going to differ here. I think it's all about HOW you tell the kids as much as it is WHAT you tell them. Tell them from a factual place, not emotional, in appropriate language for their maturity, in appropriate depth for their needs, at an appropriate time, and without judgement of their mother, whom they love. That could be as little as a calm and simple "your mother had a boyfriend, which isn't supposed to happen when you are married, so we got divorced."

Leave out all the stuff about how traumatic you found it, how much of a selfish liar she was, whatever happened.

In my opinion at least, you want the kids to feel safe with you, like you aren't lying to them, and that you won't dismiss them when they ask you difficult questions. You also want to reassure them of your love for THEM, instead of giving them the impression that adults can just turn love OFF, which they may get if no one tells them why their parents divorced. Children told that 'we just grew apart' or 'these things happen" will fear that their parents will do it to them. And yes, you want to counteract any lies she may be telling them about the reasons for the relationship breakdown, which you have no control over. Kids naturally want to figure out the 'why' of things and I don't think letting them come to the wrong conclusions from lack of information benefits them.

I didn't have the benefit of planning or foresight in this matter - one of my children ambushed me one day with the question "did Daddy cheat on you?" out of the blue and I didn't feel like I could lie to that yes or no question. I don't even know where it came from - perhaps observing that he instantly had a girlfriend, or overhearing something, or someone else telling them. Since that time, my calm openness has helped me help them navigate their further issues with dealing with their father's disinterest in them, and his manipulative nature.

Is this issue coming up because they have been asking awkward questions?

[StillPaying]

Completely self centered and wrong. There's nothing wrong with saying the marriage didn't work out. Kids love each parent, even after finding out bad things about them, so you're not helping your child with anything. You're just feeding them your negative views, hoping they'll agree with your negativity which has nothing to do with them. It would most likely backfire on you.

Kids don't want to hear about you being a bad lay, while ex was forced to go elsewhere...

This goes completely against a parent's responsibility. Call CAS and ask them.

[Challenger]

I guess better question what do you do when other parent badmouthing you, in order to justify their own wrongful actions, and as a results children are alienating with you. As a good parent that plays by the rules you shouldn't tell them anything - it is adult matter and everyone around tells you not to involve them. On the other hand, children grow brainwashed by other parent. In 30 years when (and if) children realize that they became a victim of that parent who lied, they will turn away from that parent. But they won't have good relationships with "good" parent that followed rules, and that parent may even be dead by that time. And even in case of happy "re-union" decades later, their life still impacted.

[rockscan]

I guess better question what do you do when other parent badmouthing you, in order to justify their own wrongful actions, and as a results children are alienating with you. As a good parent that plays by the rules you shouldn't tell them anything - it is adult matter and everyone around tells you not to involve them. On the other hand, children grow brainwashed by other parent. In 30 years when (and if) children realize that they became a victim of that parent who lied, they will turn away from that parent. But they won't have good relationships with "good" parent that followed rules, and that parent may even be dead by that time. And even in case of happy "re-union" decades later, their life still impacted.

I strongly encourage you to read “a family's heartbreak” my Mike Jeffries. He dealt with alienation really well in that book and it comes from a place of one parent struggling.

There are also a lot of threads on this forum on alienation. I urge you to search them out rather than use this thread.

[blinkandimgone]

I'm going to differ here. I think it's all about HOW you tell the kids as much as it is WHAT you tell them. Tell them from a factual place, not emotional, in appropriate language for their maturity, in appropriate depth for their needs, at an appropriate time, and without judgement of their mother, whom they love. That could be as little as a calm and simple "your mother had a boyfriend, which isn't supposed to happen when you are married, so we got divorced."

Leave out all the stuff about how traumatic you found it, how much of a selfish liar she was, whatever happened.

In my opinion at least, you want the kids to feel safe with you, like you aren't lying to them, and that you won't dismiss them when they ask you difficult questions. You also want to reassure them of your love for THEM, instead of giving them the impression that adults can just turn love OFF, which they may get if no one tells them why their parents divorced. Children told that 'we just grew apart' or 'these things happen" will fear that their parents will do it to them. And yes, you want to counteract any lies she may be telling them about the reasons for the relationship breakdown, which you have no control over. Kids naturally want to figure out the 'why' of things and I don't think letting them come to the wrong conclusions from lack of information benefits them.

I didn't have the benefit of planning or foresight in this matter - one of my children ambushed me one day with the question "did Daddy cheat on you?" out of the blue and I didn't feel like I could lie to that yes or no question. I don't even know where it came from - perhaps observing that he instantly had a girlfriend, or overhearing something, or someone else telling them. Since that time, my calm openness has helped me help them navigate their further issues with dealing with their father's disinterest in them, and his manipulative nature.

Is this issue coming up because they have been asking awkward questions?

I don't agree. Unless a parent can clearly articulate how this serves the best interest of the children and how this benefits solely the children on their own, completely separate from that parents feelings or relationships with the kids, there is no reason to have the conversation with them no matter how you approach it.

Kids ask a lot of questions and the choices aren't limited to telling them the truth or lying to them. It is perfectly acceptable and responsible to let them know that what happened in the relationship is between the adults and will stay there. It's a very good way to teach kids to mind their own business and their curiosity doesn't entitle them to information about other people.

It's the same thing you'd tell acquaintances overstepping and asking prying personal questions that they have no business asking.

[randomUsername]

+1 on the "say nothing to the kids" side. My ex did something similar, not about infidelity per se, but tried explaining to the kids why we got divorced. Needless to say, what she told them wasn't flattering to me and she made it seem like it was 100% my fault. My kids asked me about it all and put me in a position that I felt I had to defend myself, which I probably shouldn't have done and wish I didn't feel I had to. At the end of the day, nobody gained anything...my kids are still close to both my ex and I, and each have probably come to their own conclusions as to why their parents are divorced.

Like a previous poster said, play this out...there's no "good" way to explain it to your kids. Kids don't want to hear about their parents shortcomings, and at some point they'll say something to your ex if you bring it up to them. If you're lucky, your ex will handle it tactfully. But it's more likely she'll give them her side of the story, and whether you agree with it or not, I'm sure she does have her version too.

My advice to you (and anyone else wondering what to say to the kids) is to say "Marriages are very hard work and it just didn't work out between mom/dad and I. We both still care about each other and love you very much". No blame, no drama, just showing a continued commitment to being partners in parenting.

[rogue77]

I don't believe you want to hurt your ex, I think you want to protect your kids, and your motivation seems good. But if this affair is a thing of the past, then there is no need for them to know or ever find out. Much better if they don't. What a horrible thing for a kid to learn about their parent. I don't see how this would benefit the kids in any way. All of these adults that know should keep it to themselves and not tell your kids either. If you think they are about to find out, and in a bad way, maybe then you do something, or maybe you wait till they bring it to you. I don't know. If you create a culture of truth and honesty in your home, being willing to answer questions and help them work things through, then there is no need for you to take the initiative. If/when it comes out, they can ask you. I think it could really backfire to tell them, not to mention practically ensure a huge backlash from your ex. Keep in mind this is not something they can un-know. Once they know, they won't look at their mom the same way. You protect them by being gracious and kind toward her, despite the fact that she doesn't deserve it. Maybe they will be hurt if they find out the truth and you didn't tell them, but once they work through that pain, they will understand why you tried to protect them. Hope this helps.

[standing on the sidelines]

Do not tell the kids. This is an adult situation between parents. All they need to know is that both parents love them.

Did your sister tell her kids?

You are suffering from confirmation bias. Read up on it.