Telling my teenaged kids of her affair

[LongTimeRunning]

My case is quite special and I trust this was covered somewhere in this forum to some extent but I'm wondering if I should tell my kids about my ex-wife's affair. Two therapists have told me not to and another has said that it depends on how mature my kids are and whether I think they will find out from someone else.

Context: My ex-wife had a four-year (her number) affair with my sister's now ex-husband. For about 5 years beforefinding out, I had committed to making things work by attending couple's counselling (3 separate occasions and therapists for approx5 sessions each), working on myself by seeing a therapist, working out, helping more, etc... Throughout this time, she was cheating with him in ways that I won't get into but suffice to say it would take incredible disassociation and ablity to swallow immense guilt if it were me. My ex was very jealous of my sister even though my sister struggled to build a career and her husband at the time was in and out of work, in heavy debt, out of shape, and was social awkward. Her jealousy was often a source of arguments between us as she would try hard to have me diswown my sister and my parents (whom supported my sister through her struggles). Much of my ex's issues with anger, anxiety, and narcissism took over our lives and I realize now that my bond to her was based in me wanting to fix what was unfixable.

My ex worked part-time and my sister's ex was a teacher. In the summer they would have the cousins meet up and play together. When the kids would watch a movie together in the basement, they would engage in sexual activities and other times, they would maneuver encounters without the kids through lies or sneak away at family parties and events for some quick action. As I learned more and more of the affair over several months and as my sister revealed what she knew, it was clear that her ex was a creep who frequented massage parlors run by escorts, communicated with female minors through social media apps, befriended highschool girls outside of school, and siphoned money out of their bank accounts. I learned that my ex was hiding a drinking problem, was obsessed with my sister, and had deep rooted childhood issues that she claimed she was seeking help for but later admitted that she had lied about going to therapy for years.

All to say my ex-wife is not a good person and has some serious issues. My kids are with her 50% of the time but they have never been told the truth about who she really is. They know she is very dramatic and demanding, they know she can lose her temper easily and they know she embellishes matters to get her way. I beleive they may have figured out that my ex and my sister's cheated with each other as we both divorced within 6 months but they never said anything when I check in with them.

Neighbours and friends know, including the parents of some of the kids they hang out with. I was told to keep it a secret as these are "adult matters" that they won't be able to grasp and may act out but Iin my heart I feel that withholding such a terrible truth is worse. Kids know when you're not being genuine and I fear that they will lose trust in me if I keep this secret only to have them find out from someone else.

Would you tell them?
Have you told your kids if in a similar situation? How did it go?
Should I tell them or have my ex tell them (and risk lies being spewed)?

My kids are smart and mature (13yr and 15yr) and I think I can communicate it calmly and then have them see a therapist to talk it through. Your thoughts or experiences are appreciated.

[StillPaying]

This is so sad. I hope you get the help you need to get over this! Leave the kids out of your mess.

[rockscan]

Do not tell your kids. I say this from experience. My father had multiple affairs including the one that led to the breakdown of my parents marriage. My mom told us. And she continued to drive it home to us. And she made ongoing comments about it. Just telling us was enough but her hatred for him continued and made it difficult to have a relationship with him and her. The age doesn't matter. My oldest sibling was 21 and actually caught my dad with the woman and it upset her when my mom made her comments. I was 14 and my siblings were younger. Overall it was very very difficult. Before she died she tried to explain her reasons and it was just as painful bringing it up and listening to her try to share her reasons. Even in my 40s it was unnecessary and painful and all of that contributed to our need for therapy.

You are hurt and angry and wanting to hurt your ex. This is a recipe for disaster and to be honest—self serving. You want your kids to hate her and punish her the way you feel punished. It's unhealthy and unnecessary. Regardless of how mature your kids are, this is way above their emotional understanding. Regardless of how much you hate her, she is still their mom. They will have to manage their relationship with her going forward and they will need you to have a level kid focused head on for that.

[noteasy]

Play this out in your head. You sit your kids down and say your mom had an affair, what are they going to think of you for doing that?
It sounds risky and is the upside that they hate her an live with you?

[LongTimeRunning]

Play this out in your head. You sit your kids down and say your mom had an affair, what are they going to think of you for doing that?
It sounds risky and is the upside that they hate her an live with you?

Thanks for the responses so far. I've played it out multiple times. If I place myself in my teens' position I would be upset at mom first but I would also wonder why dad didn't tell me such a big secret about my own mother.

Am I teaching my kids that terribke secrets are to be hidden away and not talked about? I've kept this from them for 18 months and have been cordial with mom. I am not looking to hurt their mom though I understand that many would think that as many divorces involve using the kids as pawns to hurt the other. I have stayed away from that despite how hard that has been and despite many people telling me to reveal her betrayal.

My parents kept secrets from my siblings and I as kids and I learned that "what people don't know won't hurt them", which I have learned many times through life is not true. These secrets eat away at people and others feel it and see it despite not knowing what they are withholding. It still has an negative impact on relationships if kept a secret.

I think by revealing it at the right time, with the right words, and proper support, it could be a positive experience that they can learn from morally and maybe have healthier relationships as they grow.

[noteasy]

The kids will question your motif and watch out.....they may have their own morals that align with your ex.
Do you think they won't talk to your ex about it? What story will she weave?

I think you are dreaming up justification. Your ex may have done the same thing when justifying her affair. Just the way people work.

[rockscan]

Thanks for the responses so far. I've played it out multiple times. If I place myself in my teens' position I would be upset at mom first but I would also wonder why dad didn't tell me such a big secret about my own mother.

Am I teaching my kids that terribke secrets are to be hidden away and not talked about? I've kept this from them for 18 months and have been cordial with mom. I am not looking to hurt their mom though I understand that many would think that as many divorces involve using the kids as pawns to hurt the other. I have stayed away from that despite how hard that has been and despite many people telling me to reveal her betrayal.

My parents kept secrets from my siblings and I as kids and I learned that "what people don't know won't hurt them", which I have learned many times through life is not true. These secrets eat away at people and others feel it and see it despite not knowing what they are withholding. It still has an negative impact on relationships if kept a secret.

I think by revealing it at the right time, with the right words, and proper support, it could be a positive experience that they can learn from morally and maybe have healthier relationships as they grow.

This is not a secret kids need to know. And wanting to tell them is simply your anger and hurt coming out.

You really need to work this through with a therapist. Do not tell the kids. They don't need to be involved in this part of your marriage or divorce.

[LongTimeRunning]

The kids will question your motif and watch out.....they may have their own morals that align with your ex.
Do you think they won't talk to your ex about it? What story will she weave?

I think you are dreaming up justification. Your ex may have done the same thing when justifying her affair. Just the way people work.

Dreaming up my justification? As in it doesn't make sense? I've read up on it, talked to therapists, listened to podcasts...now I'm asking a forum. I imagine the day the kids fond out, or ask, which I'm pretty sure they will, and if it's just better to wait. I don't think its coming from anger but you may be right. I think it's coming from wanting to treat my kids with honesty no matter how hard the message is. I guess I'll keep reflecting on it and hoping the time comes when it's meant to be.

[rockscan]

Your kids are not old enough to process this properly and they may never be old enough to. Not to mention this is their mother and no matter how you do it or how old they are, you are still creating a situation where they will have to process something bad about their mother. That is truly selfish and unhealthy.

This isn't lying about something. You are simply not telling them what their mother did to YOU. You aren't lying to them. And they are not entitled to information about their parent's relationship. All of your reasons are simply you trying to justify including them in your anger and pain.

What your ex did to you was terrible but it happened between the two of you not your kids. Yes their parents split up but that is separate from what she did to you. Adult relationships are not easily understood by kids or even people who have not been through an adult relationship. Do not do this to them.

[LongTimeRunning]

Your kids are not old enough to process this properly and they may never be old enough to. Not to mention this is their mother and no matter how you do it or how old they are, you are still creating a situation where they will have to process something bad about their mother. That is truly selfish and unhealthy.

This isn't lying about something. You are simply not telling them what their mother did to YOU. You aren't lying to them. And they are not entitled to information about their parent's relationship. All of your reasons are simply you trying to justify including them in your anger and pain.

What your ex did to you was terrible but it happened between the two of you not your kids. Yes their parents split up but that is separate from what she did to you. Adult relationships are not easily understood by kids or even people who have not been through an adult relationship. Do not do this to them.

I appreciate your response though I completely disagree. What my ex did had a tremendous impact on me, my sister, her kids, my kids, my parents, my other siblings and their partners, and our friends. Anyone who has had something similar happen knows the extent of the impact and how it is not isolated to just the partner. The cheater lies to almost everyone and breaches the trust of the one closest to them over and over again.

I have two examples from friends that have stand out to me as to why telling them may actually be helpful for both parents and the kids:

1 - This friend found out about his father's affair when he was 40 years old. He was extremely upset that he wasn't told before by either his mother or his father. He stopped speaking to both to this day. He realized that his father was not who he thought he was and his mother held back information that could have helped him process and understand what had happened to his family.

2 - This friend learned of her father's affair in her late 20s (she's now 37) . She wished she had known sooner as she couldn't understand why her parents never wanted to spend any time together despite their divorce. She felt her father was distant and blamed her mother for not being accepting of him. It strained both relationships until she had a better understanding of what actually happened which has improved both relationships.

To suggest that I am trying to justify my anger and pain by telling my kids is minimizing all the research and work I have done and the reasoning mentioned in this thread. I have to say, from your responses, I feel like you may actually be my ex lol.

[rockscan]

I will address your comments below but first I want to note that my comments are not meant to take away from your pain or what you have been through. What your ex did to you was terrible. I have been cheated on (though not by a spouse) and I know how that can impact a person and their feelings but I also know what it is like as a child to hear this from a parent and to have to endure decades of therapy following it. You have experienced a trauma and I strongly recommend you speak to a therapist to work through your pain and come out in a healthy emotional place. It will help you a) to recover and move forward and b) to be a better parent. You are not crazy or anything like that, you have experienced a loss and need help through it.

You asked for anyone with an example of this and I gave you one. Me. My siblings. My family. My father cheated on his first and second wives (my mother was the second). He also had at least one child out of wedlock. He left a swath of pain behind him without thinking about it. Now at 85 he still justifies his actions as what he needed to do. My mother felt that we were mature enough to manage it and not because we were but because she wanted to hurt him. Her pain was greater than the need to care for her children. At 14 I was expected to comprehend and manage this news but also support my mother and help raise my two younger siblings. As a result of this pain, one sibling ended up looking for love in all the wrong places, one sibling staying with a spouse who treated them terribly and I had trouble trusting anyone until I got enough therapy to work through that. Do you want your kids to suffer a similar fate? Or even a worse one because they have been brought into their parent's relationship?

Your ex is not dying of a fatal disease, she isn't a criminal, she doesn't have a secret identity and she definitely isn't Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy. You are not lying to your kids or withholding some big bad from them. You are simply not including them in a private matter between the two of you. If your kids one day want to be angry with you about not telling them this, your answer is simply it was between you and their mother and you did what you felt was best. It's on your kids if they choose to be angry with you. And if you are worried about your kids being angry with you for not telling them, why aren't you worried about their anger at you telling them? Or even what that will do to them emotionally? Not to mention, you express that your ex is volatile and a little off balance so what do you think she will do if you tell them? Are you prepared for the fall out from that? Do you really think anything you have said justifies their pain? You are the adult, they are not.

Now, I also want you to set aside your emotion about this whole situation and think rationally. You have noted you spoke with three therapists. Two said don't do it and the third said only if they are mature enough. You are not capable of determining their maturity. No 15 year old is mature enough to manage something this painful and traumatic and it is unfair for you to expect that. You also noted you have done a lot of research on this. That research is only to justify your desire to include them in your pain. If you were rational and set aside your anger and pain for a moment you would understand just how bad this could turn out. It cannot go well. In any way you try to justify it. Three experts in emotional recovery have told you not to do it. That should be enough for you to say ok I'm not going to tell them.

As for your comments:

I appreciate your response though I completely disagree. What my ex did had a tremendous impact on me, my sister, her kids, my kids, my parents, my other siblings and their partners, and our friends. Anyone who has had something similar happen knows the extent of the impact and how it is not isolated to just the partner. The cheater lies to almost everyone and breaches the trust of the one closest to them over and over again.

Your ex wasn't alone in this. She had a partner in crime. What they did to your sister has nothing to do with your kids. Your parents and other siblings are only impacted in the sense that their kids/siblings were hurt. Your friends are irrelevant. Your ex and your sister's ex are both now out of the picture from a partner perspective but still parents to their kids. Period. Nothing else matters and is completely irrelevant to whether or not your kids should know. THEY were the ones who lied. YOU are the one who was hurt. Your parents and your siblings and your friends should be supporting you in your recovery not enabling you in making bad decisions as a way to exact revenge. Anyone of these people who support you in doing something that will hurt your kids should be ashamed of themselves.

I have two examples from friends that have stand out to me as to why telling them may actually be helpful for both parents and the kids:

1 - This friend found out about his father's affair when he was 40 years old. He was extremely upset that he wasn't told before by either his mother or his father. He stopped speaking to both to this day. He realized that his father was not who he thought he was and his mother held back information that could have helped him process and understand what had happened to his family.

Your friend needs to work through some shit. What happened between his parents is not his business and he shouldn't be holding onto his anger regarding that. If the only thing he has to be upset about at 40 is his parents marriage breakdown years earlier then he's got a pretty good life.

2 - This friend learned of her father's affair in her late 20s (she's now 37) . She wished she had known sooner as she couldn't understand why her parents never wanted to spend any time together despite their divorce. She felt her father was distant and blamed her mother for not being accepting of him. It strained both relationships until she had a better understanding of what actually happened which has improved both relationships.

Obviously someone told her when she was older. Which in the right situation would be healthier. At 30 you have a grasp of how relationships work and what can/can't happen. I also think the parents are partially to blame for behaving the way they did. Some divorced people need to grow up and get over themselves and stop putting their issues on their kids. It goes back to the statement "I love my kids but I hate my ex more". People need to put their anger aside and do what is best for their kids. Your marriage didn't work out but you both are still parents.

To suggest that I am trying to justify my anger and pain by telling my kids is minimizing all the research and work I have done and the reasoning mentioned in this thread. I have to say, from your responses, I feel like you may actually be my ex lol.

Your research was simply to justify your desire to tell them. Anyone who has set their anger and emotions aside will have accepted the first therapist telling them no. You took it much further with two other therapists, podcasts, talking to friends, researching on the internet and asking an anonymous forum. That speaks volumes about your motivation and need. If you are going to say anyone who disagrees with you is like your ex then it REALLY speaks volumes about your motivations and attempts to justify your behaviour. There have been posters on here who have gone through much worse than you including being jailed, going bankrupt, having rumours spread in the community about them and attempting suicide (one was actually successful) who have never once thought it was a good idea to involve their kids.

[LongTimeRunning]

I will address your comments below but first I want to note that my comments are not meant to take away from your pain or what you have been through. What your ex did to you was terrible. I have been cheated on (though not by a spouse) and I know how that can impact a person and their feelings but I also know what it is like as a child to hear this from a parent and to have to endure decades of therapy following it. You have experienced a trauma and I strongly recommend you speak to a therapist to work through your pain and come out in a healthy emotional place. It will help you a) to recover and move forward and b) to be a better parent. You are not crazy or anything like that, you have experienced a loss and need help through it.

You asked for anyone with an example of this and I gave you one. Me. My siblings. My family. My father cheated on his first and second wives (my mother was the second). He also had at least one child out of wedlock. He left a swath of pain behind him without thinking about it. Now at 85 he still justifies his actions as what he needed to do. My mother felt that we were mature enough to manage it and not because we were but because she wanted to hurt him. Her pain was greater than the need to care for her children. At 14 I was expected to comprehend and manage this news but also support my mother and help raise my two younger siblings. As a result of this pain, one sibling ended up looking for love in all the wrong places, one sibling staying with a spouse who treated them terribly and I had trouble trusting anyone until I got enough therapy to work through that. Do you want your kids to suffer a similar fate? Or even a worse one because they have been brought into their parent's relationship?

Your ex is not dying of a fatal disease, she isn't a criminal, she doesn't have a secret identity and she definitely isn't Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy. You are not lying to your kids or withholding some big bad from them. You are simply not including them in a private matter between the two of you. If your kids one day want to be angry with you about not telling them this, your answer is simply it was between you and their mother and you did what you felt was best. It's on your kids if they choose to be angry with you. And if you are worried about your kids being angry with you for not telling them, why aren't you worried about their anger at you telling them? Or even what that will do to them emotionally? Not to mention, you express that your ex is volatile and a little off balance so what do you think she will do if you tell them? Are you prepared for the fall out from that? Do you really think anything you have said justifies their pain? You are the adult, they are not.

Now, I also want you to set aside your emotion about this whole situation and think rationally. You have noted you spoke with three therapists. Two said don't do it and the third said only if they are mature enough. You are not capable of determining their maturity. No 15 year old is mature enough to manage something this painful and traumatic and it is unfair for you to expect that. You also noted you have done a lot of research on this. That research is only to justify your desire to include them in your pain. If you were rational and set aside your anger and pain for a moment you would understand just how bad this could turn out. It cannot go well. In any way you try to justify it. Three experts in emotional recovery have told you not to do it. That should be enough for you to say ok I'm not going to tell them.

As for your comments:


Your ex wasn't alone in this. She had a partner in crime. What they did to your sister has nothing to do with your kids. Your parents and other siblings are only impacted in the sense that their kids/siblings were hurt. Your friends are irrelevant. Your ex and your sister's ex are both now out of the picture from a partner perspective but still parents to their kids. Period. Nothing else matters and is completely irrelevant to whether or not your kids should know. THEY were the ones who lied. YOU are the one who was hurt. Your parents and your siblings and your friends should be supporting you in your recovery not enabling you in making bad decisions as a way to exact revenge. Anyone of these people who support you in doing something that will hurt your kids should be ashamed of themselves.


Your friend needs to work through some shit. What happened between his parents is not his business and he shouldn't be holding onto his anger regarding that. If the only thing he has to be upset about at 40 is his parents marriage breakdown years earlier then he's got a pretty good life.


Obviously someone told her when she was older. Which in the right situation would be healthier. At 30 you have a grasp of how relationships work and what can/can't happen. I also think the parents are partially to blame for behaving the way they did. Some divorced people need to grow up and get over themselves and stop putting their issues on their kids. It goes back to the statement "I love my kids but I hate my ex more". People need to put their anger aside and do what is best for their kids. Your marriage didn't work out but you both are still parents.


Your research was simply to justify your desire to tell them. Anyone who has set their anger and emotions aside will have accepted the first therapist telling them no. You took it much further with two other therapists, podcasts, talking to friends, researching on the internet and asking an anonymous forum. That speaks volumes about your motivation and need. If you are going to say anyone who disagrees with you is like your ex then it REALLY speaks volumes about your motivations and attempts to justify your behaviour. There have been posters on here who have gone through much worse than you including being jailed, going bankrupt, having rumours spread in the community about them and attempting suicide (one was actually successful) who have never once thought it was a good idea to involve their kids.

I have to remind myself that this is a forum...I understand your experience and it is truly unfortunate that it happened the way it did. That said, I feel it has tainted your perception of what I am looking to discuss as you repeatedly say that I'm angry, vindictive, looking to harm, and in need of therapy despite attempting to have rational and open discussion with varying views. I'm not looking to be convinced by someone.

[LMum]

I have to remind myself that this is a forum...I understand your experience and it is truly unfortunate that it happened the way it did. That said, I feel it has tainted your perception of what I am looking to discuss as you repeatedly say that I'm angry, vindictive, looking to harm, and in need of therapy despite attempting to have rational and open discussion with varying views. I'm not looking to be convinced by someone.

You came here and ask for opinions and you got them. But reading this whole thread you don't seem to like the ones where its been recommended not to tell the kids. I don't think you wanted that opinion, you wanted us to tell you that this was a good idea. A lot us us have been in your shoes and understand all to well what can happen to a relationship with a child and its parent when too much information is shared. And if you have to stand in front of a judge and they are informed that you shared this information, it will not go in your favour. Its your job as a parent to protect them, and that means sheltering them from these such details.

We don't know you and your situation, just what you are saying here. And you sound hurt and maybe even traumatized. And I agree with everyone here that telling your children will only hurt and traumatize your children as well. I feel for you (not pity, just sad) and trust me when I say I understand how you are feeling. My ex cheated on my a lot over our marriage. I think even more then I will ever know. I never told my child about it.

[rockscan]

I have to remind myself that this is a forum...I understand your experience and it is truly unfortunate that it happened the way it did. That said, I feel it has tainted your perception of what I am looking to discuss as you repeatedly say that I'm angry, vindictive, looking to harm, and in need of therapy despite attempting to have rational and open discussion with varying views. I'm not looking to be convinced by someone.

I didn't say you were angry, vindictive or looking to harm. I said you were hurt and traumatized and that your desire to tell your kids what their mother did to you was ill advised and would result in hurt. Your desired action is vindictive and harmful and demonstrates your anger towards your ex. There is a big difference. Claiming I am just like your ex for pointing this out is a huge flag that you are not in a healthy place. I have no problem with you saying things about me if it keeps you from involving two young teens in what is a completely adult matter. I can safely say at 15 I really didn't want to know about my parent's sex life or their sexual choices. Truthfully I could have gone my whole life without having to think about my parent's sexual proclivities either together or apart. I only cared about how they treated us and their hatred for each other was what caused the problems.

Your constant posts keep demonstrating your need to be right in what you want to do. This is unhealthy. You keep trying to readjust what it is you want to do to justify your need to say something. By attacking me with your perception of my feelings you are digging yourself in further. I had therapy for what you want to do. I suffered trauma because of parents who chose the path you want to take. This is not a tainted view, this is fact.

Clearly you are hell bent on involving your kids in a situation that will hurt them emotionally and setting aside this anonymous forum you are going against advice from psychological experts. None of this is child focused or in their best interests.

[Challenger]

I guess it is worth to consider that OP doesn't live in a vacuum, and while he could be an excellent parent that won't involve children in adult matter and won't tell them anything, there is a great possibility that his ex already told them "her version of story" and very possible her version quite far from being true.