Kids want to move in with me full-time

[Links17]

10 years later of shared custody my 17 and 15 year olds are sick of dealing with their crazy mom.

Trying to figure about the best way of going about it, not worried about legal aspects here - more concerned with the duress their mother will put them under (guilt trips etc...) and future relationship

[Janus]

A blast from the past!

The mother will absolutely try to make them feel guilty for leaving her. Do you intend to go for child support?

[Links17]

and a blast it has been! (Things get way better for all of you in the shit, just keep it real)

Nah, i wont go for child support.

In fact i will prob continue paying CS for 6 months or something.

Thinking once she finds out kids want to move out because she is nuts she will promise to be better and things will improve for a bit but then she will get crazy again, its somewhat validating for the kids that the see she is crazy (i wasnt the only one)

i think i will tell them to have a heart to heart with her and tell they are thinking of living with me fulltime and either she says
1) go (freak out)
2) i will be better (freak out)
3) no (freak out)

might coordinate with a new house purchase i do (unrelated to their arrangement) and give her time to adapt

wondering if I should set specific visitation with her for the kids - i want to ensure they dont lose contact with their mom and also acts as a consolation prize or just be fluid with them (they are pretty independent as it is)

[rockscan]

Links!!! Man I have missed your voice of reason around here! So great to see things have worked out well for you.

I will suggest some therapy options. Tell mom she should see someone who will help her. I grew up with a mentally ill mother and if she had just gotten some effing therapy things would have been better. Plus, as the kids get older it will get worse as mom will not like them getting more freedom.

Other than that, leave it open without a set schedule. See how it works having her pick them up from work or an activity and driving them home. Maybe with little bits of exposure she may be better with the kids having some power over their lives. I would also keep talking with the kids and let them know they are in control of what they want. At this age they struggle with a parent who treats them badly but also the guilt that comes with it. A therapist who specializes in difficult parent relationship will help them deal with her. Plus they have a good parent with his head on straight!

[Links17]

Lol, voice of reason!
nice to see you guys still holding down the fort, funny how i have fathers calling me now for advice and thankfully taking it and succeeding in their challenges.

I wouldn’t tell my ex to do anything, thats off the table - i keep things to 0 or minimal contact

Had a strategy discussion with my eldest son and we considered my son and/or daughter telling her they want a change for logistical purposes or telling her living with her is getting unbearable and something needs to be done (implication: therapy being one of them). probably better in some ways that she chills out and we keep status quo but the custody switch is always an option

My kid drives now and has access to a car so they can visit whenever anyways, just not sure if I should formalize (at least verballly) some sort of visitation schedule/commitment to mitigate backlash

[rockscan]

Lol, voice of reason!
nice to see you guys still holding down the fort, funny how i have fathers calling me now for advice and thankfully taking it and succeeding in their challenges.

I wouldn’t tell my ex to do anything, thats off the table - i keep things to 0 or minimal contact

Had a strategy discussion with my eldest son and we considered my son and/or daughter telling her they want a change for logistical purposes or telling her living with her is getting unbearable and something needs to be done (implication: therapy being one of them). probably better in some ways that she chills out and we keep status quo but the custody switch is always an option

My kid drives now and has access to a car so they can visit whenever anyways, just not sure if I should formalize (at least verballly) some sort of visitation schedule/commitment to mitigate backlash

Well and that's in your favour. The kids can do what they want and even if you had a custody order, she can't force them to follow it. Not to mention they recognize an unhealthy dynamic and don't want any part of it. Truly it's for support purposes and that may require a formal change.

Your kids may be a lot stronger than my siblings and I were but standing up to my parent was tough and induced a lot of guilt. That part was the toughest of it all. Your kids may need a little bit of support via therapy that way to learn that its ok to be assertive with a parent and set healthy boundaries.