Can joint custody be forced on non primary parent?

[double twins father]

this sounds like a terrible question but can I be forced (in Quebec) to share equal custody of my children?

I will be going through mediation with the mother of my children in a week and having done the calculations (child support + half of all current house expenses) I come up with $1,150 a month for my rent etc!! BTW we both make very good salaries so that was quite a shock!

so the connection? she will expect me to take the kids half of the time, which is a very reasonable assumption. But in Ottawa, I will be lucky to get a bachelor for $800. so I have 4 kids, 4years old and 8 years old (2 sets of twins). I can't see myself keeping them in what I can afford to live in?!! also, they have a very active life style and school. Am I expected to drive them from school and back (two different schools) every morning and night, because I can expect I will not be on a school bus route? we live in an expensive neighbourhood and I won't be able to rent anywhere close to it.

It just seems that my only options are the weekends? but I don't know if she will be reasonable about this because she travels on business at least one week out of the month, often two.

of course that's one solution, I stay at "her" place while she travels. But then I am at her beck and call for her travel agenda, and paying the rent on an appartment I won't stay in for half the time?

I hope this doesnt sound selfish (ok maybe it does), at this early stage things are very confusing and worrysome.

wouldn't mind some fathers' point of view and experience.



~P

[billm]

You make more than her? If you salaries are the same then you should not have to pay much CS. How did you calculate CS?

[#1StepMom]

You don't sound selfish at all. You are looking out for the best interest of your kids. You are right that 4 children will not fare well in a bachelor apartment (especially as they get older and require more privacy). You are also worried about not being able to support yourself to your liking, so how can you afford to support 4 children almost full-time? They are all very valid reasons. There is nothing to be ashamed of, not wanting 50/50 physical custody because you do not believe it will benefit the children.

Shared custody is usually ordered in cases where the parents both live close to the children's school and both have living environments than can accommodate their children full-time. The court also looks at how the parents co-parent, amicably or with animosity? And most importantly, both parents must agree that 50/50 custody is in the best interest of the children, but also in their interest based on their schedules, finances, etc.

Don't feel guilty for thinking of what would be best for your kids, even if it means only seeing them on weekends.

[double twins father]

Not sure if my reply to you #1stepmom got through to the system?

I thanked you for the support and information you provided!

I had another question which maybe you could answer?

will a deciding body (judge etc) ever allow a four year old to live between two houses as a joint custody would imply, assuming both house are in close proximity etc?

I think this is one of those details that wasn't even anticipated when we decided to break up....

[#1StepMom]

Not sure if my reply to you #1stepmom got through to the system? I thanked you for the support and information you provided! I had another question which maybe you could answer? Will a deciding body (judge etc) ever allow a four year old to live between two houses as a joint custody would imply, assuming both house are in close proximity etc? I think this is one of those details that wasn't even anticipated when we decided to break up.

I would think it's safe to say that at 4 years old, a child could reside in two homes 50/50 without any negative effects. For example, my husband and I had unofficial (i.e. not filed with the courts) 50/50 custody of his son for almost two years when he was 1.5 to 3.5 years old. At some points, we had the child for 55% of the time. There were very few negative effects. The regular separation anxiety was experienced from time to time, but that was easily dealt with pick-ups and drop-offs at daycare. When my stepson was 4 years old and his mom began to feel threatened by my role in his life (the child was calling me "mommy" too) - at least that's what the lawyers told us - she took my husband to court and fought for sole custody. In the meantime, she moved 50km away (which we tried to prevent, but not-surprisingly weren't successful). The judge ordered joint legal custody with her having primary residence. Since then, my stepson has only been "visiting" us every-other-weekend and 50% of vacations. But that's beside the point, which was that during his toddler years, 50/50 wasn't a problem.

In my profession, I work with children every day. I can tell you that kids are very resilient and that as long as they feel safe and loved, there is very little that will upset them. Maintain a similar routine between the homes and things should work out just fine. ;-)

Also, I think you're talking about "shared custody," right? As in 50/50 residence? Joint custody is simply the term used to mean that each parent has decision-making ability. It refers to the "legal" custody, not "physical." You can have joint custody and access (less than 45% of physical time with your child) or sole custody and access situations. If you have shared custody (50/50 residence) then you automatically have joint custody. Hope that clarifies things a little.

[double twins father]

thanks again!

yes I meant shared custody not joint (although I'll want that).

probably a good idea to get the terminology straight before the mediation meeting...

cheers!

boy, what a life this has turned out to be!! who would have thought?

P

[double twins father]

Billm, I live in Quebec and used the forms from the prov govnt website. I have four kids. we make about equal. the problem is not so much the CS but the CS plus splitting all expenses on the existing house the kids are living in at the moment. Maybe I'll be able to negotiate my giving up some equity in the house for reduced support and/or bills. I guess if she eventually sells she can move into something cheaper? or rent? otherwise she back to square one with expenses.

Like everyone else I don't want the kids to have to also move house at the same time as I move out, so I don't want that as an option...

thanks for the reply.

P

[Jeff]

Prominent MRA blogger Glenn Sacks has blogged about this thread:
GlennSacks.com Blog Archive Lame Dad Doesn't Realize How Lucky He Is to Have Chance to Raise His Kids

There are also a lot of interesting insights in the comments.

[jburke]

You make more than her? If you salaries are the same then you should not have to pay much CS. How did you calculate CS?

He is correct. If your pay is about equal and you have the children 40% or higher of the time then neither pay.

The expenses of running the house and all that is another matter altogether. She may have to move out of that home or maybe u could even work something out where you put in a basement apartement so you can both still live there and see the kids all the time.

[jburke]

You should fight to get a place close. My wife and her X have that situation. it works out great. Even if you have to live in the same for a while until you get find a place, living close by is great.

If not you may be stuck with a few days a month with your kids, and trust me you will regret that for the rest of your days.