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Hostile Aggressive Parenting

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  • Hostile Aggressive Parenting

    Hello all
    my bf has joint custody of his two boys but is involved with them almost everyday. Last Friday, on his day, he took one to a hockey game and I took the other to a movie (he's not into hockey). The next day, when my bf was dropping them off, the one who went with me told him that he was worried because he knows how much his mom doesn't like me, and about her finding out that I took him to a movie (me and my bf have only been dating about 4.5 years, I have just a bit of a relationship with his kids!*sarcasm*). Well when they got back to her place, all hell broke loose. She interrogated him relentlessly about going with me. He told his dad that he said to her three times "you said you would stop questioning me about what goes on with dad" and she would stop for a bit but start up again shortly after. He said she ignored him the rest of the day until dinner, then at dinner started in on him again to the point that he felt sick and couldn't eat. He said he wanted to call his dad but that he was afraid she would find out. He also told him that he had to lie and say that he didn't have a good time and that it was just a movie, it's not like we talked or anything.

    This has been an ongoing problem with her interrogating them about what they did, if they like me, telling them they can tell her anything, then when they say they love me, she loses it on them and screams "she's not your mother". My bf and his oldest, at the request of the oldest have sat her down three times over the last couple of years to tell her that the kids hate it when she badmouths their dad in front of them, that they don't like getting questioned about everytime they came back from his place, and that I'm not trying to take her place, that she needs to let whatever hostility she has towards me, go. We don't know what to do. The younger one has started to show signs of being afraid to tell her about the sports that he wants to play. She doesn't support them in any activities, its always a fight to get them to the games that they love playing.

    I finally found an actual term for this, Hostile Aggressive Parenting and believe me, this woman exhibits every single sign. She doesn't tell the kids he calls them or won't let them answer the phone if they're home, she won't respond about things like when their vacations are or if she's actually for once going to take them to their tournaments, leaves it to the last minute and then says oh sorry its too late you do it, she accuses them of defending their dad when they're just telling the truth, she keeps him out of decisions involving them, getting report cards and parent teacher meetings. She moved in with this guy like 6 mos after they started dating (she got knocked up) and she actually put down on the school contact form his name as stepfather and their real father was fourth! I was helping them with their homework and saw the form to be reviewed for any mistakes, told my bf what it said, then when he confronted her about it she lied and said it was a mistake. Unfortunately, she's not that smart and didnt realize that when she put down the stepdad info, it included way more than the fourth spot like workplace, email address, cellphone number, stuff they wouldnt know if it was only a mistake.

    He takes them to everything, doctors, dentists, sports, buys their cloths, haircuts. She even refused to take time off work to take the older one to get his braces off and my bf had a really important meeting that he couldn't reschedule because she was supposed to take him so I took time off work to take him! I would have thought a real mother would have wanted to see that. That's ok though I guess, it brought tears to my eyes seeing how happy he was to have them off! She is highly irrational. Last summer one of them had a ball tournament in London, they were in the Muskokas for summer vacation and the day they drove home my bfs plan was to meet her in London which is on the way home to get the kids since the tournament was there anyhow, he would have been right on time as well. She refused to stop, she got all the way back here to the Windsor area, and they had to get in the car with my bf and turn around and drive back to London. He said he could hear the older one in the background saying "but mom, its on the way, why cant you just stop at a reststop?" It's been a life of lovely childish acts like that. We need legal advice, Hostile Aggressive Parenting is a relatively new phrase so does anyone out there know what to do? What steps should we take?

  • #2
    oh wow those poor kids. The woman has issues. You seem have bonded with the kids and that really pisses her off. What was she like when they were married? I am wondering if she is so insecure that the kids need to tell her that no matter how much they like you, she will always be mom. Maybe that would calm her down a bit.(I doubt it but maybe worth a shot?) All she is doing is setting up herself to be alone. The kids will eventually decide that they cannot take it anymore at moms and want to go live with dad.

    Why is she so hostile towards you? How long after they separated did he hook up with you? Her hostility would be understandable if he had an affair with you that ended the marriage. Not resonable though just understandable.

    Keep detailed notes on what she does and how the kids reacted to it. How old are the kids anyways? It seems like the oldest one has a head on shoulders by the way he tries to handle the situation.


    • #3
      Have you checked out the HAP website?
      Hostile Aggressive Parenting - Emotional & mental child abuse

      I did a lot of research on there and used a lot of their guides when my husband and I were dealing with my stepson's mother who was exhibiting such behaviour.

      It is a tough thing to have to deal with. I wish you the best of luck. Hopefully as it did in our case, it will pass (to an extent, if you read my thread about extracurricular activities during vacation time). Good luck to you!
      Last edited by #1StepMom; 05-12-2009, 08:29 AM.


      • #4
        Thank you both for your responses, I do have a very good relationship with the kids. For having dealt with what they have had to deal with over their young lives, they are very well behaved, rational boys. They are 12 and 9 and to reply to you Standing on the Sidelines, me and my bf starting dating over a year after they split up. Apparently during the marriage she was a control freak and very argumentative and (obviously!) very vindictive. My boyfriend has told her on numerous occasions (not during a fight either) that I don't want to replace her but I do have a relationship with them and that its not going to stop no matter how she acts. He has told her if she keeps this up that they will choose to live with him and her response is "yeah right, like that will happen". I think that she is so insecure in herself because of our positions in life and she sees me as someone who can do the things for her kids that she can't or in a lot of cases, won't. Yes this is a very aggravating situation for us to deal with, but ultimately in the end it is the kids who will lose. You can tell already that they know and recognize her irrationalities and when they were younger, they used to make excuses for them, but lately have begun to question why. "Why does she always do this, why cant she get along with you guys" is a line I heard not too long ago. Anyhow, if anyone else has had dealings with this.I would love to hear how the situation could be resolved. The best way to handle this that would benefit everyone would be if she could recognize how this behaviour impacts the kids and change it. I have little or no faith in this though. If anyone knows legal steps that could be taken, please let me know.
        Thank you!


        • #5
          i am thinking that there is no way to reslove the issue that would satisfy everyone. She needs to change no doubt but she also has to want to change.In her eyes she is doing nothing wrong and she does not understand how the kids are feeling about it, all she cares about is herself. How does her current boyfriend feel about this situation (by the way i hate the term "knocked up") maybe he if sees what you see he can help. It wouldn't hurt to ask him because if they every split up he would probably be on the receiving end of what she is doing to you also.


          • #6
            They havent been together for a while. Im thinking this is a hopeless situation.


            • #7
              I am experiencing the same type of behaviour from my ex, she has kept the kids away from me for 65 days now, turns down the volume on the phone so the kids don't hear it. (they told me this) has removed any type of my exsistance from the home, turned my friends against me with lies, but complains to me every chance she can about me being the bad parent. What the hell is wrong with people??


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