Arrg!!! Help with sample access plans

[ikikass70]

Hello,

One of these days i'll put myself in the intro section. I mainly lurk, but have posted a few questions. My latest is:

Does anyone have case law references or literature to show what a 'common practice' access regime looks like?

Quick Background:

~ My partner and his stbx have a case conference coming up at the end of the month.

~ The stbx agreed on evey 2nd weekend/4 out of 7 long weekends for us/Christmas to be split/14 days in the Summer.

~ We picked out the long weekends, she agreed over the phone. When we went to get it in writing she reneged saying that she spoke to the child and the child said she wouldn't want to be away from Mom for 3 weekends in a row.

~ The child is 5 and thrives with us. The child does show allegiances
with the parent that she is with. Before Christmas break she told her Mom that she didn't want to be away from her for 5 1/2 days. When we went to pick her up she RAN out to us and didn't look back...refused to speak to her Mother the whole time (I forced her to call and say goodnight the 3rd day in) and didn't show any interest in going home.

Anyway...Mom is now saying she doesn't think it is in the best interest for the child to be away possibly up to 3 weekends in a row on a given month.

What is a normal access plan? Long weekends generally get divided up right? And it's generally a MONTH in the summer right? Any case law to give her that demonstrates this? I found one that has a plan that the judge wrote up, but one is not enough for this woman.

Oh...there's so much more. I'm panicking! I think she's doing this to demonstrate that they can't agree to anything as she's going for sole custody and the case conference is coming up. Meanwhile she is the worst Mother ever. Doesn't believe in discipline, allows her child to decide if she wants to do things like wipe properly or treat a diaper rash that developed on her vagina b/c of the fact that Mommy only bathes her once a week.

BUT...she also calls all the time asking advice, admiting that she should (for example) clean her daughter more etc..etc..they have been joint parenting since he left her. She has consulted with him on all major issues and has not done anything that he was opposed to.

Uhhg...I'm panicking!!!! Help!

[dadtotheend]

The bare minimum for a non-custodial and/or non-primary residence parent is every other weekend, one night a week, two weeks in the summer and split the holidays. Search the forum and you will find lots of examples.

You make observations that are very common. Kids are very disposed to saying that they don't want to leave the parent they are with. The child has behaved that way when she is with you and with her Mom.

The girl needs both of you to be child focused. Be sure you remain, and appear to be, child focused as well. Please consider some sessions with a family counsellor. The facts you state are cookie cutter and you may benefit from the counsel of a neutral third party professional.

Guarantee you they are cheaper than the lawyers and far more valuable.

[FreeNow]

The stbx if obviously lacking parenting skills. One does not bathe a child of that age only once a week, especially a girl. I raised a girl and know that they are prone to UTIs(urinary track infections).
They good news is that the stbx trusts and is willing to talk to you. That is amazing. I think if you develop this raport it could be very good for the child.
Be willing to bend on the long weekends. She is feeling out
of control. Give her some and it will work out well in the long run. You might find that she might bend too.

FN

[sufferer]

Access Schedule In My Case

My Ex has every second weekend access(Friday 7pm-Sunday Noon).Whenever it happens to be the Long weekend(on his turn only) then he brings back the kids on Monday Noon.

[FreeNow]

My Ex has every second weekend access(Friday 7pm-Sunday Noon).Whenever it happens to be the Long weekend(on his turn only) then he brings back the kids on Monday Noon.

I think Kickass is saying she places importance on long weekends. I agree. To bring the kids home on noon Monday makes it just another weekend.

FN

[dadtotheend]

The stbx if obviously lacking parenting skills. One does not bathe a child of that age only once a week, especially a girl.
FN

No, if anything's obvious to me is that the parent(s) are name calling.

[Kimberley]

My take on many posts such as this; while some parents, step-parents, new partners tend to post in a manner that they are looking out for the best interests of the child, there is an addition of name calling and finger pointing. Even though this is the net, it's still defamation of character.
How do you know that all the things you claim are fact, and if they are fact, why post them as a gripe against the parent on the board? Why not actually do something that benefits the child such as, oh I don't know, contact CAS?
If the child is old enough to be in school, don't you think a teacher would notice issues with children going hungry, or unbathed, or clean clothes?

I will never understand the point in saying nasty things about another's parenting skills when you're doing nothing more about it besides posting it on a message board in an attempt to sway the responses in your own benefit.

One thing you learn when you are self-rep is that facts are the most important thing. If you have no detailed documentation or documentation from a 3rd party who is not family or not emotionally involved and has nothing to gain from the case, then you have nothing.

I am certain that my ex's CL has tons to say about me as a mother, but that doesn't make her right, it doesn't make it the truth, and until you have facts to back up your statements, keep them to yourself.

[ikikass70]

Wow...I guess I rubbed some people the wrong way.

Kimberly I totally respect you...I have read your story in full and always respect your advice.

Same goes with all of the answers to my post so far!

Anyway, we had just gotten the news of the retraction of long weekends and I was freaked out and frustrated and upset.

To answer a few of the points brought up...CAS has been called. The assesor said that although her parenting is 'unorthidox' it isn't endagering the child. The Mother has also admitted to not bathing even though she knows better because it is too hard and that the child didn't want to put cream on her infection so the mother didn't.

Anyways...all that at the end of my orignal post is of no consequence. You're right that I was venting..I was freaked out and angry about her giving us something and then retracting.

My orignial post was/should have been focused solely on the access arrangements.

So...back to my real question:

In a typical access arrangement, do long weekends replace the 'every second weekend regime' or are they on top of. Meaning if we divied up the long weekends, would they stop or alter the 2nd weekend concept. For example: We have two weekends in April, but had agreed that we would also have Easter weekend (Mom originally agreed). Would that put off the every 2nd weekend access or would we have 3 weekends that month?

Thanks and sorry for venting. I am really upset by the ride we are being taken on and I guess my venting offended people I really respect.

[#1StepMom]

It's amazing how quickly this thread went from discussing the typical access schedule of a non-custodial parent to scolding about name calling. I do agree that we shouldn't say inappropriate things about others, and try to keep a neutral tone in these forums, but sometimes - given the frustrations of being single parents, step parents, anyone about to go to court, etc. - we need to be human and vent our frustrations. It's only natural to blame those who cause our stress and pains. I'm guilty of it myself! ;-)

Parents will never agree 100% on how to raise a child, even biological parents living in a nuclear happy-go-lucky family in a pretty pink house with a white picket fence and a golden retriever. Everyone has different parenting styles and different beliefs. Unfortunately, little can be done if we disagree with how the other parent is raising the child, unless of course it is a case of visible negligence (in which case CAS should be contacted). We just need to offer suggestions as kindly as possible, be careful not to be to imposing, and hope for the best! ;-)

In regards to access now... the norm, as others have already mentioned, is every-second weekend plus one weeknight... 2 weeks in each of the months of July and August... and the equal splitting of holidays. In regards to long weekends, I suggest the regular every-other-weekend schedule remains with the access weekend to include the 24 or 48 hours of a statutory holiday.

For example, if the parent normal has the child 6pm Friday until 6pm Sunday, on a long weekend, the parent would have the child 6pm Friday until 6pm Monday (Thanksgiving, Labour Day, Family Day, etc.) or 6pm Thursday until 6pm Monday (Easter weekend).

Remarkably, it all equals out in the end! :-)

Hope this helps!

[#1StepMom]

Whether long weekends suspend the every-other-weekend schedul or simply override it (if you're chosing to have separate provisions for long weekends) is completely up to you. However, if I may suggest, I think that keeping long weekends as part of the every-other-weekend schedule without any special provisions for them is the best way to go. Like I said, in the end, it all equals out. Believe me! :-)

[FL_Needs_To_Change]

IN our case, when a long week end fell on our week end, IE if it was a holiday on the Friday we picked up a day earlier, if it fell on a Monday we dropped off a day later. Sometimes the holiday was a PD day on the Monday and a civic holiday on the Tuesday, we would pick up as usual at the beginning of the week end and arrange to drop off at noon or there about on the last day of the long weekend.

[FL_Needs_To_Change]

Here are a few links to cases where the outcome was basically the same.
The non-custodial parent that had every other week end schedules were granted long week ends with the children.

The custodial parent provided a copy of the school calendar at the beginning of the school year so that the non-custodial parent could determine of they could indeed take these holidays. In some cases the long week ends were in addition to the second week end schedules, in others it took the place of the second week end scheduled access.

It has also been noted in some orders, that in the event
that access does not take place whether caused by illness,
weather or some other reasonable cause, every effort shall be
made to reschedule the lost access time.

CanLII - 2006 QCCS 2909 (CanLII)

CanLII - 1997 CanLII 11072 (SK Q.B.)

CanLII - 1996 CanLII 6826 (SK Q.B.)