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Girlfriend sleeping over

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  • Girlfriend sleeping over

    I know the answer to this may merely be "depending on how serious you think the relationship is", however, I am wondering if people may have more insight that would help me.

    The facts:

    1. My wife and I have been separated from a relationship point of view for about 18months (separate bedrooms and separate social life apart from family events).

    2. We decided in July of this year to do a proper divorce, however, still share the same house (for financial reasons and to try not to disrupt the kids - both boys 13 and 8) with a move etc. until we are able to plan it properly without the impact that normally occurs. This will be happening soon (winter with spring move out!)

    3. We maintain an amicable relationship for the sake of the kids,and have alternate weekends away (with new partners - we each have a new partner).

    4. My new partner has met my kids, been at the home for dinner, cooked a meal at our home and gone shopping with us. She is described as 'my friend'. These visits have occurred when my ex was away for her weekend, obviously. She knows my partner has been to the home for dinner etc (agreed in advance).

    5. My ex's partner has only briefly visited the house and has only met my youngest son. There have been no joint activities with them all.

    6. When we do physically sell the house I will have FT custody of the youngest and most likely FT custody of the oldest, although he may visit his Mum sometimes. The youngest and his Mum do not get along and she has no expressed interest in gaining access to him. I don't expect us to fight over access as seems to occur a lot.

    My questions:

    I am interested in my new partner being able to be at the home for overnights - we are serious with each other and interested in her being an active part of my family.

    I am considering that if I was already in my own home and had a new partner, then at some point they would stay over (and all expected precautions taken to prevent the boys from being exposed to anything taken - same as with any (married or otherwise) couple - My bedroom is on a different floor to the boys for example.) so would this be an issue then? (Apart form my comfort level with the situation etc)?

    Obviously, there may be some awkwardness in the morning or do I explain to the boys beforehand that my partner is sleeping over?

    Is a sleepover okay to occur in the current home when my wife is away for her weekends? From both a legal and an 'impact on the boys point of view?

    If the consensus seems to be No, then I would make arrangements for a sleepover when the boys are with their grandparents - at that time would that be a legal issue (that could be brought up later) - although we are amicable in our approach and not using lawyers currently, I would hate to get it used against me if it all turned nasty (my ex had a relationship first, but after we decided to separate, so adultry is not being presented as a reason for divorce).

  • #2
    A few points on this:

    1) If you are serious about this woman, then you should have a frank discussion with your kids about it. They've probably already figured it out, but let them know that you and she are more than friends and see how they react. You don't want their first discovery that she is anything more than a friend to be sitting across from her at breakfast while she's wearing your shirt.

    2) Don't have her over while the ex is there. Be thankful things are amicable and don't push your luck by having this go on right under her nose. If you planned on doing this while she was away, you should DEFINATELY discuss this with her first. The Ex might have real issues with this and you DON'T want an angry ex come divorce time. Trust me on this.

    3) The kids are already in an unusual home situation, don't make it worse. I think adding someone on overnights, especially when it's done specifically when mom is away, might cause friction. You are down the home stretch here - come the spring you and the ex will no longer be living together and you can slowly phase in overnights with less issues. There is a more definate transition from their old life to their new life once you and your ex physically move. I would err on the side of caution and keep it in your pants for one more winter

    They key is to take things in small incrimental steps, and let your kids know what's going on before it happens. The 13 year old in particular probably already knows what's what, so better to let him in on it than have him think he's being lied to. Teenagers are touchy about that, as I understand it


    • #3
      I would add that we have all heard and experienced in our own lives stories where a separation is rolling on seemingly without animosity and then suddenly one side for no rational reason becomes adversarial.

      That you are about to assume sole custody for (potentially) both children can have a way of wreaking havoc at the eleventh hour. IMO you should take every precaution to insulate your ex and to some degree the children from the seriousness of the new relationship until after a separation agreement has been completed, with legal representation on both sides.


      • #4
        I agree with both posts.
        Particularly About_Time.
        I feel that once you have transitioned to a new home, then feelings of betrayal will be less if not none existent for the boys.
        I fell that there may be mixed emotions since this is the home you shared with their mother, and now mom is away and pop here's the new girl sleeping in dad’s bed.
        Even though they've interacted on numerous occasions the sleep over in "mom's" house may not sit well with them.
        They may already know, but you really don't want to slap them in the face with it, and what's a few more months?
        Just my opinion.


        • #5
          Thoughtful responses

          Thanks for the responses...exactly the kind of feedback I wanted to hear.

          Obviously the consensus is No - don't do that so that will not be occurring.

          I also got the message that the focus is on completing the current separation and setting up home for the boys and I - so I will continue to make that my priority.

          Thanks for the responses - better to think and pay attention to these types of things before rushing in.


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