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  • Exchange time

    Have joint custody and 50/50 parenting. Relationship with ex is not on solid ground following court proceedings...if anything they have gotten worse with passage of time. Court Order says exchanges are at 3pm, which goes well September-June during school year. During the summer, not so much as exchanges are happening during middle of afternoon, which makes it difficult to plan activities with the kids.

    Is 3pm the norm for exchanges? Would 9am make more sense? Or do people have a hybrid where it is 3pm during school year, and something different during the summer months?

  • #2
    The summer is almost over, and maybe she will become different person next year. If you are making any future agreements or back to court - include it there, but fight for next couple exchanges in August 2022 not worth it imho.

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    • #3
      Agreed re: this summer. My ex never accepted 50/50 and still thinks its best for kids to only see their dad haphazardly and when its convenient for her. I was thinking that IF we are going to make changes to exchange times, what is the most common and most effective?

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      • #4
        Originally posted by Brampton33 View Post
        Agreed re: this summer. My ex never accepted 50/50 and still thinks its best for kids to only see their dad haphazardly and when its convenient for her. I was thinking that IF we are going to make changes to exchange times, what is the most common and most effective?
        We do it in the afternoon. Ex insisted on other time during the summer (I actually got more than 50% her way during the summer) and I just accepted that. Probably Friday afternoon is the best day for exchange. If there is a long weekend, you can travel with kids Fri evening - Mon, and if your ex broke their sleeping schedule you have Saturday/Sunday to get it back to normal during the school year.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Brampton33 View Post
          Have joint custody and 50/50 parenting. Relationship with ex is not on solid ground following court proceedings...if anything they have gotten worse with passage of time. Court Order says exchanges are at 3pm, which goes well September-June during school year. During the summer, not so much as exchanges are happening during middle of afternoon, which makes it difficult to plan activities with the kids.

          Is 3pm the norm for exchanges? Would 9am make more sense? Or do people have a hybrid where it is 3pm during school year, and something different during the summer months?
          Pros and cons for both. A later drop-off gives the one parent the full day to spend with the kids and make plans, an earlier drop-off gives the kids time to settle in, have dinner and wind down before bed on their evening back to the other parent.

          A lot will depend on the ages, routines etc and just the kids themselves. There is no one size fits all for everyone, you know your kids best so go with what works best to fit their needs.

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          • #6
            3pm in the summer is weird but if that is what you agreed to on consent what will you say if your ex wants to keep it 3pm?
            If no consent then 3pm messes with your work and your exes work.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Brampton33 View Post
              Is 3pm the norm for exchanges? Would 9am make more sense? Or do people have a hybrid where it is 3pm during school year, and something different during the summer months?
              Most agreements / orders where a custody and access "professional" is involved will have morning times for exchanges that is pegged to the start of the school that the children attend. Clearly the children are old enough that no day-camp/day care is involved to do the exchanges.

              General idea is that all parents can get their kids to school/daycare on time.

              As well, if the kids have a problem at school it is the parent who the children will be residing with responsibility to deal with them. Other way around you invite PILES of conflict.

              End of day exchanges are high-conflict making situations.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Tayken View Post
                End of day exchanges are high-conflict making situations.
                I agree. However the 3pm exchange seems to work during the school year. I just drop kids off at school and say "Mom will pick you up after school". It makes sense for 3pm (or simply "after school") for when kids are sick. If they wake up in the morning and sick, I simply tell them to stay in pyjamas and rest in bed; and notify mom that kids are not going to school and to pick them up at my place rather than school.

                So it seems to work OK for September-June. However, the 3pm exchange time seems terrible during the summer. It literally cuts the day in half, so we can barely do anything on an exchange date as there is clock watching in the afternoon.

                Is changing exchange time a contentious issue? I suppose a 9am exchange time can also cause conflict....where I call ex at 7:30am to tell her that kids are sick. Then comes the unnecessary dispute on judgement on whether kids are actually sick or not...which I want to avoid.

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                • #9
                  I'm with Tayken- parenting time ends with start of school day.

                  Our exchanges are done at school during the school year. For summer/vacation- exchanges are between 10-11am.

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                  • #10
                    This topic is where I see lawyers write long pages in your separation agreement, charging you huge $$$ putting stuff where the kid celebrates birthday on odd vs even years, and then still capable of writing it the way that dual interpretation possible, making me very sad about the industry in general.

                    I'd say it really depends in every case what works for both parents. If you happen to write new separation agreement, make sure to specify times for any days when school is off (summer, march, winter breaks, observed holidays, PA days, inclement weather etc.) as well as all days when kid is not feeling well. In other words if kid isn't well, does kid go to another parent instead of a school at 8am, or stays with same parent till 3pm? What happens if kid is sick and can't go to another parent? (for example covid) In other words ensure you settlement agreement doesn't have dual interpretations.

                    And whenever possible, try to peacefully negotiate

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                    • #11
                      I'm with Taken, and Iona ... parenting exchanges are always mornings .. with drop-offs at school during school year, and 9am (parent that gets her picks her up).

                      Additionally PA days , stats automatically extend the weekend for which ever parent has her.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by respondent View Post
                        This topic is where I see lawyers write long pages in your separation agreement, charging you huge $$$ putting stuff where the kid celebrates birthday on odd vs even years, and then still capable of writing it the way that dual interpretation possible, making me very sad about the industry in general.
                        Yep .. 2 reasonable parents wouldn't need this type of extensive Custody Agreement. But most likely atleast one person is BPD/NPD where every single possible ambiguity ideally needs to be locked down or it's just going to cause more conflict.

                        There really needs to be easier access to a stock / templated Custody Agreements that have all the possible conflict prone scenarios locked down.

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                        • #13
                          School exchanges are great for HCP's and the newly separated, where professionals recommend it, but it is not convenient and creates more work. It depends on your schedule, but for me since ages 3 and 5 - we've done week about Fridays at 5. Besides extra curricular, this has been perfect.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by StillPaying View Post
                            It depends on your schedule, but for me since ages 3 and 5 - we've done week about Fridays at 5. Besides extra curricular, this has been perfect.
                            I've found that with High Conflict and Extra Curriculars 2/2/3 works better .. (i.e. each parent has the same 2 days of the week for scheduled extra curricular and weekends are alternating).

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                            • #15
                              This is what can happen when the exchange time is at the start of the school day.
                              Both parents work and the parent starting access is surprised by the information that the child is sick and cannot go to school and that creates a situation or the parent ending their access time may send the child to school sick because they want to be rid of them knowing the school will call the other parent to come pick them up.
                              Been there and done that.

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