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Can Non-Residential Parent decide whether to send kid to school?

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  • Can Non-Residential Parent decide whether to send kid to school?

    Mom is primary resident parent, and has sole custody.

    Dad has twice kept kid home on a Monday because he "planned" other activities. He didn't tell me beforehand- nor the school, who called me to ask where she was. It was his weekend- and he was to drop her to school.

    In general- in sole custody situations- or even shared custody- who gets to decide whether kid stays home from school?

  • #2
    Isnít it his time his business?

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    • #3
      I would say his time, his business unless and until there is a negative impact on the child. If this has happened twice in the child's lifetime, I would see it as a non issue.

      If this is a regular thing where the child is missing a substantial amount of time from school then I would address it - irrelevant of who has custody.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
        Mom is primary resident parent, and has sole custody.

        Dad has twice kept kid home on a Monday because he "planned" other activities. He didn't tell me beforehand- nor the school, who called me to ask where she was. It was his weekend- and he was to drop her to school.

        In general- in sole custody situations- or even shared custody- who gets to decide whether kid stays home from school?
        Oh hang on, just re-read. When he's dropping the child at school, is that the end of his parenting time?

        That changes things, as it would now be within the responsibilities of your time and you would be expected to know and be informed of where your child is.

        If that's the case, I would consider this an issue.

        If the child is sick, that's one thing, and it would be up to the two of you to determine who the child will stay with for the day if it was a transfer day, kid could stay with him and move the exchange to later in the day after work, or you could decide to stay with kid and do the exchange immediately.

        If he's just planning activities during your time on school days, that's a completely different thing.
        Last edited by blinkandimgone; 04-12-2022, 11:34 AM.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
          Oh hang on, just re-read. When he's dropping the child at school, is that the end of his parenting time?

          That changes things, as it would now be within the responsibilities of your time and you would be expected to know and be informed of where your child is.

          If that's the case, I would consider this an issue.

          If the child is sick, that's one thing, and it would be up to the two of you to determine who the child will stay with for the day if it was a transfer day, kid could stay with him and move the exchange to later in the day after work, or you could decide to stay with kid and do the exchange immediately.

          If he's just planning activities during your time on school days, that's a completely different thing.
          Yeah- it is, the parenting agreement reads that his parenting time is from Fridays after school to drop off on Monday morning.

          the clause reads as follows.:

          "The child shall be in Applicant's cares as set out below, the child shall be in the Respondent's care during the remaining time:

          Wednesday: Pickup after school on Wednesdays to drop-off at school on Thursday morning.
          Weeks 1 and 3: Pickup after school on Friday to drop-off at school on Monday morning. "


          I suspect he just didn't wake up in time to get her to school. It's happened twice and she's in SK. So it's not really a big deal now. He's taken the position that that is his parenting time - his responsibility to drop her off at school. I told him I disagree and expect that he adhere to the schedule as agreed upon.

          I'm concerned that if I don't say something I'm setting a precedent by acquiescing to his position.
          Last edited by iona6656; 04-12-2022, 12:13 PM.

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          • #6
            Shit happens, and that's ok. But if you miss the bus or are late getting up, you get the kid to school at the soonest opportunity, not just bail for the day. And communicate! Inform the school and let the other parent know.

            I wouldn't be thrilled with this either, and if becomes a pattern I would address it.

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            • #7
              To avoid escalation / blowup
              1. Inform them that it isn't really their time as there is a default expectation the child goes to school.

              2. Inform them that all they have to do is let you know they are not going to school. Leave out the "tell me why" because it puts them on the spot. The automated school Safe Arrival program would let you know.

              3. State that the child should be in school but seek out an agreement to how many of these "sick days" are reasonable. Maybe they just want a bit of extra fun time with the kid. A lot of parents have their kid skip school for this or that.

              5. Give it time and if it becomes a habit bring it up again.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                Shit happens, and that's ok. But if you miss the bus or are late getting up, you get the kid to school at the soonest opportunity, not just bail for the day. And communicate! Inform the school and let the other parent know.

                I wouldn't be thrilled with this either, and if becomes a pattern I would address it.

                Ionaís ex that guy who likes to die on every hill. If this is what he is doing, itís bs. What a useless mess this guy creates!

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                • #9
                  Look it is no doubt Iona's time but bickering over a 6 hours here or there isn't worth it.
                  If the ex is as everyone describes they will keep pushing until it is an issue then it will be time to act with favor going to iona. Acting now it goes against iona.

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                  • #10
                    A former poster that I still communicate with had an ex who insisted he drop kid off at grandmaís house if she was sick because his time ended at the start of school.

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                    • #11
                      It may not be the popular opinion, but it's their parenting time and ultimately, they are responsible for the care of the child whether they stay with the child themselves, or arrange care for them. Being sick is one thing, but just being late and skipping school is another. The biggest issue I see in this scenario, whether kid was sick or they slept in, is the lack of communication.

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                      • #12
                        He's trying it again on Monday.

                        Our agreement says that on easter- parenting is split from Thursday after school to Sat at 6pm, then to Tuesday drop off. HOWEVER, her school- since it's private- isn't closed on Monday. It's a regular school day- he's trying to make it like he can just keep her home that day. I told him no.

                        The problem is that everything is a massive power struggle for him.

                        He refuses to take her to dance classes on Saturday mornings because she chose a style of dance he didn't agree with- her options were classical indian (which his sister's kid does- and his mom wanted) and ballet. She wanted ballet. I told him she can do ballet now- and indian dancing next season. But because he didnt' get his way- he refuses to take her to class. So she goes every other weekend for a double class.

                        Because I will at her Kindergarten graduation ceremony- he's not coming. He said he'll celebrate with her the next day (father's day). He's just....a serious jerk.

                        Pinkhouse- I get what you're saying. A couple hours here and there isn't really a big deal at her age. However, he's the type that will try to chip away at things because he's still angry that I got full custody and primary residence. It's always a game to him. I refuse to play it. We follow the agreement.
                        Last edited by iona6656; 04-13-2022, 01:25 PM.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Brampton33 View Post
                          So she is supposed to be in school that day. He is putting his desire to spend day with her, above her best interest of being in school. I would have a field day with him in court. However, be careful for him claiming that she stays home on Monday because she is "sick". My ex keeps kids home all the time to have extra time with them, claiming they are both sick. Then the next day when I pick them up, they are miraculously all better, not even a sniffle.


                          So it is kid that suffers because he did not get his way. His job as a parent is to put aside his personal axe to grind against you and put his daughter first. She chose ballet. He should be happy that she has interests and promote them. Again placing his own interests ahead of his child.


                          So rather than take in the memory and experience, he is choosing to be absent. When child looks back at this experience/memory, she won't see him in this memory. Again, putting his own emotional baggage ahead of the best interest of his child. Did I say I would have a field day in court with this guy? Just keep doing what you are doing Iona, and being a good parent to your kid despite the challenges from your ex.
                          Iona's ex is a piece of work. Total control freak who is pouting as he didn't get what he wanted (to control Iona) in the matter. Despite the fact he abused her and threatened to kill her (and kid if I recall correctly?) which led to the split. He isn't doing himself any favours and thinks he can get away with petty shit like this. I can't imagine what it's going to be like for their daughter when she starts telling her dad to pull his head out of his arse.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
                            He's trying it again on Monday.

                            Our agreement says that on easter- parenting is split from Thursday after school to Sat at 6pm, then to Tuesday drop off. HOWEVER, her school- since it's private- isn't closed on Monday. It's a regular school day- he's trying to make it like he can just keep her home that day. I told him no.

                            The problem is that everything is a massive power struggle for him.

                            He refuses to take her to dance classes on Saturday mornings because she chose a style of dance he didn't agree with- her options were classical indian (which his sister's kid does- and his mom wanted) and ballet. She wanted ballet. I told him she can do ballet now- and indian dancing next season. But because he didnt' get his way- he refuses to take her to class. So she goes every other weekend for a double class.

                            Because I will at her Kindergarten graduation ceremony- he's not coming. He said he'll celebrate with her the next day (father's day). He's just....a serious jerk.

                            Pinkhouse- I get what you're saying. A couple hours here and there isn't really a big deal at her age. However, he's the type that will try to chip away at things because he's still angry that I got full custody and primary residence. It's always a game to him. I refuse to play it. We follow the agreement.
                            The agreement may say there is a time split, but it doesn't excuse her from attending school on days when it is scheduled. I would send him a reminder that she is expected to attend school on all days that it is scheduled, when in the care of either parent, unless the child is ill, at which point both you and the school should be informed.

                            As for dance, what a jackass. But at least she gets to make up the time when she is with you.

                            Agree with Brampton on the graduation, the child will remember the times you are there and the times he is not and that will impact their relationship with each of you. In a perfect world for a child, there would be no 'default parent', they would be able to count on both parents.

                            Please tell me you use OFW or another app and this is all documented?

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post

                              Please tell me you use OFW or another app and this is all documented?
                              Yes- it's being documented. Through email mostly- but also there's a lot of other screwy shit that he's doing that is actually affecting her health- so I've asked to return to our Parenting Coordinator to address them. What other things you ask?

                              Every thursday for the last 6 visits- she's arriving at school with some type of reaction on her face (small hives, redness, etc etc)- it resolves pretty quickly once I go there and wash her face or give her some Rupall. But wtf is happening that she's having these reactions. He's non-communicative. If I ask what she ate for breakfast- he gives me an answer such as "the normal stuff I feed her"....what the actual fucc? Give me ingredients. I've had to leave meetings every thursday for the last month and a half. And it's not that I'm not okay with that- I am, but you need to communicate when you have a kid with severe allergies and frequent skin reactions.

                              That and the fact that she's not coping well with sleepovers- I thought we could use some help.

                              I wanted to talk about consistency with routines for her skincare- which is health- which I have final say. But saying "this is her skincare routine which was approved by her dermatologist, please follow it" - doesn't' go over well with him and he's not following it. I left it as long as I could- but now with her spending longer stretches with him- it's causing some recurring issues for her.

                              Comment

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