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  • Asking for sole custody and facing false accusations

    Hello everyone!

    I am new here and need your advise if it's possible:

    1. My first conference hearing is on January 31st, 2022
    2. Going for the Sole Custody. I was sure that the Father will not want any type of custody because he was never involved in child's life since the day she was born.
    3. She just turned 2 years.
    4. Separated on June 12thz 2021
    5. Since June 19th, 2021, I have been trying to give the Father a child for overnight, weekends and even spend every day. He refused saying either the weather ia bad, he lives in a basement apartment, the sky is not blue enough so on.
    6. Because the child by then was 16 months old, I was asking him to provide me his schedule. He would refuse.
    7. He would should up every 3 weeks or month.
    8. Would ask for visitations mostly on long weekends, for an hour, when I was in Niagara Falls and I can prove that.
    9. I have sent out an email to him to spend time with child in September and any other day if he wishes. He refused.
    10. He even refused to spend 8 days with child during my January business trip saying, his basement is not good for child.
    11. When he realized that I am going to give him more parenting time that he did not wanted, he came up with different tactics, asking for visitations during long weekend for an hour when he knew I was away. How he knew? It is a tradition for me to go out with child to Niagara Falls or elsewhere while long weekend, while the father of the child during our marriage would never join us, saying, he is tired and wanted to stay home instead.
    12. Now he has not seen the child for 4 months. He uses me as a reason, even though I have emails and messages where I am asking him to provide a schedule because the child is minor.
    13. We went to different province and he did not sign his consent form.
    14. He moved 87 km away from us and did not inform.
    15. He never went to a single doctor appointment or covid tests for child. Was never interested and everything was pretty much on me.
    16. He uses text messages during long weekend when I was away in court that I am not letting him to see the child even though I was away.
    17. When there was no reply from his lawyer on separation agreement, they came up with the response asking for the joint custody and false accusations.
    18. Unfortunately, the father never provided the schedule or respected his daughter's routine. Never texted to find out if she is doing OK or made a phone call. Nothing.

    I have already spent 30000 dollars in legal fees and this is just a first conference. Pretty much will have to represent myself after.

    How can I prove the judge that I am not the one who does not give the child to him, it is the father shows no interest and picks on purposely times for visitation, like with 52 minute notice after 7 PM.

    Thank you.

  • #2
    What was the 30K spent on? Your legal situation sounds ridiculous and your lawyer sounds like they are milking you.

    You can have a lawyer on a limited retainer, that means they give you legal advice, do what you want and may even show up in court. The other lawyer deals directly with you BUT don't say anything to them.

    The false statements could be from the lawyer or your ex. God knows why this stuff is allowed. Don't let it phase you.

    Start writing your affidavit and getting your evidence together now.
    Ask for a temporary order for decision making (custody).
    Ask for the schedule for access to the child, how children will be exchanged as well. None of this last minute "I want to see the child"
    Ask for child support if that is appropriate.

    Case conferences dont' mean much but a temporary order at one giving you decision making and the access wanted gives you the upper hand.

    Not sure what to say except get your evidence ready and know the rules.

    Comment


    • #3
      Emails, evidence shared, communication with other lawyer etc.
      All what I know is that my ex would not communicate and refused to provide q schedule. He would 8.20 PM time for schedule when the child is 18 months old. He picks time with short notices when I am on vacation and he knows that. He collects my replies that I am not in town as a refused answer. He shows up whenever he wants even though I have asked for schedule billion of times. Last time he, after not seeing the child for 4 months texted me on Jan 2nd, when I was on my way to Toronto from Niagara Falls, asking to see the child for 5 minutes by the elevator. I am always for the relationship of the father and daughter. But I am forcing him to be with her when he does not want to. I stead of spending last six months to be with his daughter, he is busy discrediting me in front of judge that I am not letting him to see the child.

      Also, he is inexperienced and incapable to look after the child. When he had his visitation time, he would never bring water, food or snacks, not to mention a toy. He always was in front of out building.
      I am worries that the judge will believe him that he wanted to see the child during long weekend when I was in Niagara Falls.
      Although it worth to note that he did not expected me to be in Vaughan during the long weekend and when I told him you can have her for full day, he replied, not today maybe tomorrow. And disappeared for another month.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by pinkHouses View Post
        Start writing your affidavit and getting your evidence together now.
        Ask for a temporary order for decision making (custody).
        Ask for the schedule for access to the child, how children will be exchanged as well. None of this last minute "I want to see the child".
        What should I write in my affidavit? Things that I want for my child, like Sole custody, supervised visitation, no driving to Barrie, because the other parent made that decision on his own?

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by concernedmother View Post
          Also, he is inexperienced and incapable to look after the child. When he had his visitation time, he would never bring water, food or snacks, not to mention a toy.
          You have a really strong case, there is no need to say ridiculous things like that. Why the hell does he have to bring water or a toy in order to be capable of looking after a child?

          Your position is simple: You are happy to give him parenting time, as per the following schedule. Then you make a schedule of every other weekend. If father uses all his parenting time, you are definitely open to changing the schedule in the future in the best interests of the child.

          I have no idea how you spent $30k already.

          I am worries that the judge will believe him that he wanted to see the child during long weekend when I was in Niagara Falls.
          Ah, you worry about ridiculous things and probably talk to your lawyer a lot, that's how you got a $30k bill.

          Honestly, I wouldn't even care about the sole custody. Do the whole "joint custody but mother gets the final say" nonsense. Father will feel like a parent, and you still get to do whatever you want.

          Tell your lawyer to make an offer to settle, and have it sent out within the week. If you lawyer is not willing to do that, you need to fire your lawyer. Make the offer to settle generous. Give lots of parenting time to the father, joint custody as I said. You need to end this train wreck or you are going to be bankrupt, and that is really not in the best interests of your child.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by concernedmother View Post
            What should I write in my affidavit? Things that I want for my child, like Sole custody, supervised visitation, no driving to Barrie, because the other parent made that decision on his own?
            Are you independently wealthy? It sounds like you are desperate for a major fight. This is going to cost you 100k if you keep going like this.

            Why would you want supervised parenting time?

            The goal here is to not have a trial. You want to stop spending money on lawyers, and start spending it on awesome experiences with your kid. Asking for supervised parenting time is an almost guaranteed way to make sure that your lawyer takes every last penny from you, since there is almost no chance the father will agree to that.

            ...unless you are independently wealthy and can afford a long trial. In which case, I'm not sure why you are on a free forum when you could be blowing money on expensive lawyer advice.

            You have a guaranteed win, you are going to end up with the kid. The father is a complete idiot. The only way you can screw this up is by bringing a financial catastrophe down on your head.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Janus View Post
              You have a really strong case, there is no need to say ridiculous things like that. Why the hell does he have to bring water or a toy in order to be capable of looking after a child?

              Your position is simple: You are happy to give him parenting time, as per the following schedule. Then you make a schedule of every other weekend. If father uses all his parenting time, you are definitely open to changing the schedule in the future in the best interests of the child.

              I have no idea how you spent $30k already.



              Ah, you worry about ridiculous things and probably talk to your lawyer a lot, that's how you got a $30k bill.

              Honestly, I wouldn't even care about the sole custody. Do the whole "joint custody but mother gets the final say" nonsense. Father will feel like a parent, and you still get to do whatever you want.

              Tell your lawyer to make an offer to settle, and have it sent out within the week. If you lawyer is not willing to do that, you need to fire your lawyer. Make the offer to settle generous. Give lots of parenting time to the father, joint custody as I said. You need to end this train wreck or you are going to be bankrupt, and that is really not in the best interests of your child.
              The father does not want to see the child. I have given him weekends, overnights and so on. He says, I ask him to look after the child when it benefits him. He does not get into any type of communication. He does not know how to play with child, feed her or put her to sleep. He has no patience with his own child.

              No, my lawyer barely talks to me bur charges like insane. I literally have no money left and that's what my ex wants. Even the police said, you can't force him to be a parent. So stop asking him or giving him more time.

              His lawyer offered joint custody but there is no communication between me and him. He ignores my asks for schedule. Never replies to my email. Joint custody won't work for us because he has sifferent parenting approach - no approach and leave the child alone. He would treat me like a trash. When he came home he would never say hello or bye. Never. He would always say, it is woman who must greet man. Who are you that I should greet you when I am home? He always said that. When I asked him, how do you expect this child to respect others when her own father does not respect his wife? He would say, when she grows up, she will understand. Treat good only those who can be beneficial for you.
              That's his parenting style.
              He wants joint custody because of money. His income was imputed. He said in his Respond, I need join custody so mother won't make any decisions without me and expect me to pay the half.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Janus View Post
                Are you independently wealthy? It sounds like you are desperate for a major fight. This is going to cost you 100k if you keep going like this.

                Why would you want supervised parenting time?

                The goal here is to not have a trial. You want to stop spending money on lawyers, and start spending it on awesome experiences with your kid. Asking for supervised parenting time is an almost guaranteed way to make sure that your lawyer takes every last penny from you, since there is almost no chance the father will agree to that.

                ...unless you are independently wealthy and can afford a long trial. In which case, I'm not sure why you are on a free forum when you could be blowing money on expensive lawyer advice.

                You have a guaranteed win, you are going to end up with the kid. The father is a complete idiot. The only way you can screw this up is by bringing a financial catastrophe down on your head.
                In the beginning, there were no fights. My ex and his lawyer kept ignoring us. He would show up every 3 weeks. Each time I would offer him more time, days and overnights. He refused. So we never knew their position. The problem is, as I said, he is not that type of person who can look after the child. I have a witness that heard my ex telling g me do not dare leave the child with me, otherwise I will leave her alone. I am not your babysitter. My ex said that. He would threaten me Each time when I asked him to look after the child.

                As for the money, I was just using my line of credit and have no money left at all.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by concernedmother View Post
                  The father does not want to see the child. I have given him weekends, overnights and so on. He says, I ask him to look after the child when it benefits him.
                  Great, so he will get much less than 50%. Just keep offering time, and document when he declines.

                  He does not know how to play with child, feed her or put her to sleep.
                  Do you completely ignore your lawyer like this as well?

                  Feeding a child and putting a child to sleep is unskilled labour. The biggest idiots in the world can pull it off. Unless your ex has institutional-level disabilities, he can care for a child. When you say that your ex cannot accomplish such a low level task... you don't make him look bad. Everyone knows your ex can easily do these activities, which means that you look bad for making these ridiculous accusations.

                  Seriously, if you walk into court claiming that the father cannot feed his child, your credibility is going to be destroyed.

                  He has no patience with his own child.
                  The kid is 2. Kids that age are frustrating at the best of times. By the time they are 5 they are pretty much angels that anyone can handle. The father can handle it.

                  No, my lawyer barely talks to him
                  I mean I think the lawyer is talking excessively to you. You seem to be focused on painting your ex as the worst father on the planet. On average, how often do you communicate with your lawyer? Once a day? Once a week?

                  I literally have no money left and that's what my ex wants.
                  So stop spending money. Make an offer to settle. That's how you stop spending money.

                  Even the police said... stop asking him or giving him more time.
                  Not that listening to the police is ever a great plan, but they are wrong here. Continue offering time. Every time you offer and he refuses, that is a win for you.

                  Do you know what an offer to settle is? Have you sent one? The offer to settle is probably the most important thing you need to do at this point.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Janus View Post
                    Great, so he will get much less than 50%. Just keep offering time, and document when he declines.



                    Do you completely ignore your lawyer like this as well?

                    Feeding a child and putting a child to sleep is unskilled labour. The biggest idiots in the world can pull it off. Unless your ex has institutional-level disabilities, he can care for a child. When you say that your ex cannot accomplish such a low level task... you don't make him look bad. Everyone knows your ex can easily do these activities, which means that you look bad for making these ridiculous accusations.

                    Seriously, if you walk into court claiming that the father cannot feed his child, your credibility is going to be destroyed.



                    The kid is 2. Kids that age are frustrating at the best of times. By the time they are 5 they are pretty much angels that anyone can handle. The father can handle it.



                    I mean I think the lawyer is talking excessively to you. You seem to be focused on painting your ex as the worst father on the planet. On average, how often do you communicate with your lawyer? Once a day? Once a week?



                    So stop spending money. Make an offer to settle. That's how you stop spending money.



                    Not that listening to the police is ever a great plan, but they are wrong here. Continue offering time. Every time you offer and he refuses, that is a win for you.

                    Do you know what an offer to settle is? Have you sent one? The offer to settle is probably the most important thing you need to do at this point.
                    Thanks for your reply. I am not making any ridiculous accusations. It is all well documented. Never from day the child was born, he put her to sleep. Or fed her or did anything. He was uninvolved from day one. On multiple occasions he told me this child has taken his freedom away. Does not matter how ridiculous it sounds, I am not painting him as a terrible father. I am saying what it is.
                    I don't speak to my lawyer often. She does not pick my calls at all. Barely replies to my emails.

                    As I said jn the beginning, he would decrease his parenting time with child to the point when he wanted to see her for 5 minutes only. However, he makes a case like I am the one who fosters his relationship, while he never called, asked how is she doing or tried to spend time with her on Christmas or before. He disappeared for 3 months and out of blue, asked for joint custody. He still has not seen the child.
                    If I tell you that, he told me over the phone, when I took child for COVID test, "I hope she tests positive so I can claim more CERB MONEY?" We had a big fight because of it. I cared about the child. He cared about money. It is a very long story. I have done my best to give him all the opportunities to be father. He is going to court to say that I have given him none. But there are text messages and emails and secretly recorded audio during visitation time where I offered more time but he refused.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Another important fact that he moved 87 kms away (did not inform me) and says he does not have a place suitable for child because he lives in basement apartment. And that he is still looking for a place but cannot find. The truth is, he rents his best friends' basement apartment and will never look for any other place.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Reading your posts, I feel you are excessively stressing. Some key things in your case are:

                        -you offer time but father mostly refuses
                        -you've been primary care taker of the child since birth
                        -father moved away on his own
                        -father said his accomodation is not suitable for the child
                        -you and your ex cannot communicate well

                        In a nutshell, these are the most important factors that will make a case of sole custody for you.

                        Like Janus said, what you need to do is "offer" a reasonable (none of this supervision visits, he can't feed the child, etc) parenting schedule to your ex.

                        You can even offer a graduated schedule like daytime first and then after a few weeks, fixing it at every other week or something.

                        Normally, you don't have to put an expiration date in the offers to settle but in your case, you can even put something like this at the end of the offer letter:
                        "This Offer to Settle is open for acceptance until [date] failing which I will file a motion for custody/access."

                        Sent from my LE2115 using Tapatalk

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by concernedmother View Post
                          Another important fact that he moved 87 kms away (did not inform me) and says he does not have a place suitable for child because he lives in basement apartment. And that he is still looking for a place but cannot find. The truth is, he rents his best friends' basement apartment and will never look for any other place.
                          This part sounds like:
                          "I don't want to take care of a baby but I want the option to care for them when they are older" that doesn't make them a bad person it just makes them a person that is not ready to be a parent yet; next month who knows?

                          If on consent she signs off on Joint decision he ex is likely not to care but what happens later on if he decides to be a pain about things?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by pinkHouses View Post
                            This part sounds like:
                            "I don't want to take care of a baby but I want the option to care for them when they are older" that doesn't make them a bad person it just makes them a person that is not ready to be a parent yet; next month who knows?

                            If on consent she signs off on Joint decision he ex is likely not to care but what happens later on if he decides to be a pain about things?
                            You have summarized it really well. The issue is no matter how painful it is, it's not just about not being ready to be a father. It's the lack of desire to be one. 7 months he spent his time to discredit me. I offer him everything, he refuses. He changed his tactic and began to show up in the evenings asking for visitation when the child is asleep or when I am In Niagara Falls. Me being away he took as rejection and goes to court with that. In every text message I have asked for schedule. Never provided. His lawyer knows that too. As I said earlier, he never went to any of my vacations with child. Does not matter how insane it sounds, but he would tell me: you want me to come with you and xhild? Book a separate room for me with jacuzzi and cover all my bills. Then I will join. After all this, he is going to court for joint custody telling I am refusing to give a child. I swear, I would be happiest person on Earth if he began to exercise his parenting time. I even have to take child with me during my business trip next week, because he refused to look after her. He said, I ask him to look after the child when it benefits me. Insane. He told in his Respond, I don't have place to stay with child. My basement apartment is no good. Therefore, I can't have child overnight. But I will do it when I find a proper accommodation in the future. But he never looked one and will never do. Yet moved to Barrie, 87 km from us.

                            He did not even call to congratulate his daughter when sHe had a birthday few days ago. He just sent an interac. Obviously for court. He never bought a single gift for her. Now he sends money to look good in front of judge.

                            Not to joke, I had to sit on my knees to beg him to look after child when I suffered of sleep deprivation. He would not care less.

                            As I said, everything I do - I do for this child.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I also don't want to sound like a crazy, but he said the following to me in front of my sister, our daughter and her two kids, when I asked him why he sleeps in sofa for a year in living room and we have no intimacy whatsoever: "you are old, dirty and filthy. I would rather cut my privacy off before having intimacy with you. I screwed up with one child. When I see you, I see child, burden, expensed and my vanished freedom." We have always shared the expenses: rent, daycare, food. Majority stuff were paid by me. No cloth was bought by him. It was given by my sister via her friends. Anyway, I went through too much. This child too...

                              Comment

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