daughter's having a rough go

[crispy]

I was just in motions court to address my access. The motion has been adjourned until mid december, but we were in court to try and have the judge decide what the access is until such time as my motion is heard. I have witnessed the biased in full force now. The judge didn't want to hear what the history was, and just wanted to know what was happening now. In the past two months, I have only been allowed to have my kids 4 times. The mother witheld them from me for almost a month again. This time, it was due to health reasons. The last time I had my kids in sept, my oldest was sick with a cold from the day before I picked them up. During my care, her fever had stopped and she was feeling better. The next week, a half hour before I was supposed to pick them up, she calls me and says that she's sick and is taking her into the clinic. I asked which one, she told me that she didn't want me to go. Long story short, she had an ear infection to be treated with oral antibiotics and refused me the kids based on this. The next week, my other daughter, who is one, had an ear infection as well, so I was denied yet again. I have been dealing with hostile exchanges from her side, and my lawyer advised to only talk through email. She wouldn't respond, and I didn't get my kids the week after that. It took my daughter to turn one before I saw them again. Well, the ex's lawyer used that against me, and the judge wouldn't allow my lawyer to defend. This was absolutely insane, not to mention my ex's affidavit was only submitted 2 days before we were in motions court. The judge had now idea about anything and wouldn't listen to anything. I have been seeing my kids for the most part, every set of days off for at least one night. Now I've been cut back to 3 nights every second days off. My biggest concern, is that my 3 year old doesn't want to go back to mom's house. I know she is only 3, and she has been saying it for quite some time, but lately, she's saying it in different words and when I had to get her ready to go back yesterday, she started to cry. When I picked up my kids 2 days ago and brought them home, my oldest gave me a huge hug outside the truck when I was getting her out and told me, "I love you dad, I never want to see mommy anymore." The week before she said things like, "I can't go see mommy, she's mean to me." and "mommy's rude to me." She even rushed to my mother yesterday before leaving and gave her a big hug and said I want to stay here grandma, I can't go see mommy." My daughter has only recently opened up to my parents, as there was a family conflict that lasted for a while before, but for her to say this is tearing my heart apart. This coming week I am going to be getting in touch with my EAP program through work to speak with a councillor on behalf of my daughter and see what I can do. All I am going after is 50/50 with my kids. How do I go about getting the children's lawyer involved? Is there anything else I can do? Whenever my daughter gets upset about it, I explain to her that she has special time with mommy and special time with daddy. She gets a little better after this. Whenever I do go to bring her back, she usually falls asleep in the truck right before. I think this is a defence mechanism so she doesn't have to witness the hostility. I really want to make this better, but am not sure if I'm on the right track. Any Ideas???

[FL_Needs_To_Change]

I see alot of our history in your post.
I suggest getting a children's lawyer ASAP.
Hopefully, this is something that can be nipped in the butt and corrected before it gets out of hand. I am hoping that it is just a matter of the children being unable to adjust to the changes and you can get them some help so that they are not scared by this and have the tools to cope in their own way at their individual age level. I also hope this does not turn into PAS.

I also suggest getting a diary and keeping meticulous detailed notes.
Times of pick up and drop off.
Activities with receipts if possible of the events you do together.
Photos of the children doing things with you as this says alot about how they act in your presence.

Sounds like a lot of effort, but it will be worth it’s weight in gold, trust me.

Please listen to the children, they are reaching out to you for help as they do not know how to deal with the changes. They are too young to understand and you cannot explain it to them any other way then you already have, take the next step and give them the tools they need. Good luck

FL

[crispy]

FL-
thanks for your response. I am contacting the councillor portion of my EAP program from work to get direction from a trained councillor. I also have a friend of mine that works for children's aid, and I'm going to be meeting her informally to discuss my situation. I know that things are dire right now. My whole family that lives in town is all acting right now to do what we can to help these little girls. There's hope, my oldest, even going through the hard time that she is, is still sweet as she always has been. She just gets scared whenever we go somewhere that I am going to be taking her back to her mom. I am contacting my lawyer today to get the ball rolling, I won't have my kids now for another 8 days, so I have some time to get done what I have to do. I have been keeping a detailed log of what I've been doing with the kids. I started a children's communication book to pass on to the ex to make exchanges easier on my daughter, the ex wanted nothing to do with it and got her lawyer to send a letter to mine stating that it was cumbersome and annoying. I'm still writing in the book, to keep my record. I have close to about 800 pictures of my kids since the split 8 months ago. I take them regularly to friends house (kids friends that have been involved with my daughter for about 2 years) as well as out to parks and so on. Thank you for the advice, how did your situation turn out? I was just in court for an agreement on adjourment and access until the motion is heard, the judge would barely even listen to my lawyer and went along with the access that my ex wanted. I think PAS is a definite possibility, although my bond is strong with my kids, I am very worried about it in the future.

[FL_Needs_To_Change]

FL-
Thank you for the advice, how did your situation turn out?

After 8 months of traveling 12hrs to access visitation as per order, and no visitation, filed breach of a court order against her. She was found guilty but no punishment given, just verbal mention not to do it again.

Psychological assessment ordered to rule out PAS. $25,000, later and the assessment was inconclusive as mom would not participate, and the doctor doing it seemed to side with mom despite the lack of cooperation etc. We went back for a case conference, judge wouldn't hear anything from us, only mother.

Court ordered Children's lawyer, mom didn't follow through. Went back, Judge again did not want to hear our side only what our plans for supervised restricted visitation were, what the F***. Then offered trial or supervised restricted visitation schedule as our choices.
It was done before we even thought it began.
A few months later mom moves another 18 hours away, with husband #3.
We file another motion as she didn't seek a variance of visitation or ask to have the court grant her move since we technically still had a valid court order for monthly visitation. Again the courts refused to hear us, and let the mother speak, and mom said it was only a temporary move, she'd be back in the city in a few months.
We found out two months ago she moved yet again, but not back to the city or origin.

Do you get the picture?
He's a dad & she has the child, therefore she rules, so why do we have a family law system? It should be called a custodial parent system. They make the rules and the choices and the judges just sign them as orders. Our trial is this coming February. Think dad will get his visitation back after mom has successfully denied it now (even with the courts blessing) for the last 2 almost 3 years? Oh I almost forgot, mom is a lawyer, I guess judges have an unspoken oath not to back stab one of their own. After all she’s a lawyer, she “must” be telling the truth!

Sorry I went off on a tangent, this is a tender topic even after all this time, 11+ years later and we're still fighting for basic visitation and extended visitation during time out of school. And in case there are the sceptics he has not been anything but the perfect dad. The diaries helped at one point, so too did the voice recordings, but eventually she got wise and even managed to use that against us. He has never been late on payments, increases payment when income increases, always sends extra for the extra co-circular without being asked or ordered, always telephones even if no one answers or mom doesn't allow it. Always sends letters in the mail, but they usually come back. Emailed weekly, until mom changed it and offered no new email address. Still sends gifts, and things with the letters, but how long can a one sided relationship really last?