Other parent taking junk food to school on your days

[tunnelight]

So we have a 2.2.5.5. schedule. Mom's started bringing fast-food to school on the last day before a weekend on my 5 day stretch. I'm finding this as a way for her to keep in contact with the child and influence her during my residential time with the child. It also interfere with lunches, child didn't eat the lucnh I packed and chose fast food - what child wouldn't. I also thought it was of no sequence child did not hug me the same way she otherwise would on days where mom had not visited her at school.

Is it wrong to assume that the resident parent gets the day to day decision as to what the child has for lunch? Our agreement just says the parent with whome the child resides shall have day to day decisions.

What is the best suggested approach here? My biggest concern is what if I take food to school on my days and mom is also there.. would be a risk of us getting in a fight on whose responsible for lunches.

I asked the school front desk and I received a BS answer from them so going to meet with principal to see if they have a policy or something they can do.

What sort of message could I be writing to mom to I guess ask her to respect my day to day decisions ?

[denbigh]

This is not the school's problem, what do you think they are going to do about it? I assume you must both have custody of the child, shared custody. If the other parent is a legal parent, how would the school bar that parent from the school. It is not the school's job to enforce your separation agreement.

I suppose if the school has a general policy of not allowing any parent in at lunch, they could enforce that, but that seems quite unlikley a school would have such a policy.

I dont really know what you could do about it, unless you had some court order specifically barring each of you from the school on non access days. I have never really heard of such a thing, maybe others on here have this experience? Is this worth going to court over?

What would happen if you went for lunch with child on other parents day? it would seem logical if the other parent has no issue with going to school for lunch on your day, then you could go for lunch on the other parents day.

[tilt]

I get that you are upset. This is not a battle worth fighting over. The child gets to see their parent for a few extra minutes, that is a win for them. Don’t think of the child’s love as a zero-sum game, or else they will learn it is a great tool to manipulate both of you. And don’t suddenly start to bring lunches in on days you think the other parent is there. That is needlessly escalating and ultimately hurts your child, not the other parent. Perhaps a separation coach or therapist can help you work through your feelings without acting in a way that hurts your child. Be the bigger person, always.

[kate331]

I think you sweating the small stuff too much. I think it would be nice for a child to be treated to an take-out lunch every once in a while by either parent. Soon enough both of you will be an embarrassment to your child and she will just want to be with her friends at lunch and will be mortified if either of you show up, McD's or not

[denbigh]

Soon enough both of you will be an embarrassment to your child and she will just want to be with her friends at lunch and will be mortified if either of you show up

ha ha. How true!! That day comes for everyone

[Janus]

Is it wrong to assume that the resident parent gets the day to day decision as to what the child has for lunch? Our agreement just says the parent with whome the child resides shall have day to day decisions.

I disagree with the other posters and I agree with you. If you have the kid in the morning and after school, then you have full control of your child's food intake. For switchover days, it can be negotiated but consistent (eg. morning parent controls school lunch, or pickup parent controls school lunch. The former is obviously easier to coordinate).

The school will not and should not involve themselves in this dispute. It has nothing to do with them. As far as the school is concerned, custodial parents are allowed to bring food to their kids.

I would send a message to the other parent.

Dear loserex,

It is my understanding that you have been bringing food to the school during my parenting time. While I appreciate that you might have the best of intentions, it is interfering with my parenting time, which includes meal planning. During your parenting time you are of course free to feed our child whatever you feel is nutritionally appropriate.

If you do wish to bring food to the school, please let me know a day in advance and I will let you know if it would be reasonable for the day. This will also allow me to coordinate properly.

I might also be interested in bringing food to school on some days during your parenting time. How should I contact you in that case to see if it is acceptable?

Sincerely,

Wonderfulparent



Then of course you just say no every day that she asks.

[tunnelight]

Thanks for the feedback all. To clarify, I don't take food to her exccept for rare circumstances where a lunch was forgotten or otherwise something came up that a lunch couldn't be packed. This is rare and something that may happen maybe once a year - only on days I am responsible for the child's lunch.

Janus - do you think she will eventually stop if I just ignore her behaviour going based on the 2nd part of Kate's comment ? As in just ignoring mom and letting her keep making a fool of herself by being an "embarrassment" to the child ?

I really enjoy not having to "communate" with her when I feel she is doing something In hopes of getting me upset and to a point of me having to "communicate" to her. Seems she likes it when I wrote to her as a reaction to something she has done. I'm trying my best to not give her this reaction and avoid being too engaged with her directly and avoid some form of "marriage" through conflict - taken from Tug of War book.

Further thoughts/ comments?

[CoolGuy41]

...
Then of course you just say no every day that she asks.

... OR - you could say yes to every day that she asks!

This allows you to lazy out in front of the TV during the time you otherwise would have been making lunch.

[arabian]

For all you know, the mother may be thinking that she is doing you a great favor.

Communication is a good thing. Making casual or even funny (humor can diffuse sticky situations)? - I don't know your relationship

You know your ex. Some people you can drop a hint, but others you have to lay it out in great detail before they grasp what you are trying to convey.

[tunnelight]

Thanks for that comment Arabian. It seems I completely missed out on the humour in Janus post.

[Asphenaz]

My Ex would go to the school every Thursday, to bring them out for lunch. This was only during the three years our court battle lasted as she was trying to prove how involved she was and incompetent I was. Depending on your ex's reasons it could end.

I learned to pack a lunch you can 'recycle' for either supper or lunch the next day.

Depending on your child's age, teach them to cook. My D12 and S13 are very good cooks. Daughter bakes pies and cakes on her own or with grandma and her aunt. My son favors indian and asian dishes, butter chicken and stir fried dishes are his favorites.

It is a lot of work, especially after long work days. This teaches them good lessons, but also they learn about food and healthy eating.

If you prefer not to communicate with your ex, then don't and accept she will continue. The question now is how to address it with your kids?