Tweet
Hello group
I have been gone for several years, just busy with new wife, kids, job, other stuff.
So ten years ago I got divorced and ex gave me the sole custody. She then challenged her own consent. OCL involved, she got her support doubled, OCL supported status-quo and she eventually lost interest in the case, blah blah blah. I moved to terminate the support after 3+ years, she resisted then consented. Things gradually became normal. Here is the new twist.
Even while ex and I were married she used to tell our son (let's just refer to him as S) was a habitual liar, very rude and obnoxious etc etc. He was an exemplary child whenever I was around. Some of our close relatives also echoed what ex said but it was completely opposite of what I believed based own my daily dealings with S so I dismissed their concerns.
S was 8 years old when divorce happened. He didn't show any trauma or similar emotional problems at the time of divorce. All he wanted was to play, enjoy and have fun. He has now graduated from high school with low 70s. I found out just before graduation that he was an occasional (not addict) weed smoker. He was once with another friend and the friend got caught shop lifting. S knew about shop lifting but did nothing so he also got trespassing notice. Anyhow, as soon as S turned 18 he started showing his true colours, colours that were previously unknown to me but everyone else had seen them.
Last month he dropped another mega bomb on me by telling that he was no longer into the line of education he had just chosen in September and that he had quit the school. However, while he was NOT attending university he was still coming home every weekend, getting the laundry done and packing the food for next week until he ran out of money that he had saved from summer job.
So all he was doing at his room was to have fun, party, order-in food, play sports, learn new spots but nothing like drugs, alcohol or anything else.
Now after quitting school he is back at home, says he is looking to do extra courses that are needed to apply for the program that he likes NOW. Fine. But reality is he is not doing anything except eating, sleeping, hanging out with friends, be with them on the phone all nights. He has got a part time job. He has also got a small limit credit card in his own name. My guess is he has already maxed his credit card from the things he has been purchasing online.
His relationship with my new wife used to be okay but recently I have noticed that he is exploiting her because a) he is very good at observing her psychology and b) he knows I tend to believe him over other people. So again he pretends to be very well behaved but as soon as I leave home for work (and I live in other city for work) he starts to do subtle things that will annoy her (not speaking to her, wasting stuff, staying up all night or gone out without telling her and much more).
He seems to be very loving older brother to my two new kids but it seems they too have learned how to tell white lies from him. That's what's bothering me now. I asked him (rather told him) that if he really wanted to have full independence he would have to move out and be on his own. At home, I can't have two sets of rules - one for him and other for younger ones because they just don't know the difference of age and demand same liberties as him. (6 and 5 years old).
He has brought me to a point that I blame the whole divorce and failure to raise him as an honest, trustworthy citizen as my fault. This is constantly bothering me and apparently my health has taken a hit.
The more I probe the more I learn that he took full advantage of the divorce and exploited both parents to his benefit. This is very frustrating. He is very cold, non-emotional and shows almost no feelings about anything. I have been occasionally in touch with ex and she is just as shocked as me.
Anyone has had similar experience. What is the best advice to deal with this? Or am I overreacting and this whole thing will go away in couple of years with his maturity level?
I have been gone for several years, just busy with new wife, kids, job, other stuff.
So ten years ago I got divorced and ex gave me the sole custody. She then challenged her own consent. OCL involved, she got her support doubled, OCL supported status-quo and she eventually lost interest in the case, blah blah blah. I moved to terminate the support after 3+ years, she resisted then consented. Things gradually became normal. Here is the new twist.
Even while ex and I were married she used to tell our son (let's just refer to him as S) was a habitual liar, very rude and obnoxious etc etc. He was an exemplary child whenever I was around. Some of our close relatives also echoed what ex said but it was completely opposite of what I believed based own my daily dealings with S so I dismissed their concerns.
S was 8 years old when divorce happened. He didn't show any trauma or similar emotional problems at the time of divorce. All he wanted was to play, enjoy and have fun. He has now graduated from high school with low 70s. I found out just before graduation that he was an occasional (not addict) weed smoker. He was once with another friend and the friend got caught shop lifting. S knew about shop lifting but did nothing so he also got trespassing notice. Anyhow, as soon as S turned 18 he started showing his true colours, colours that were previously unknown to me but everyone else had seen them.
Last month he dropped another mega bomb on me by telling that he was no longer into the line of education he had just chosen in September and that he had quit the school. However, while he was NOT attending university he was still coming home every weekend, getting the laundry done and packing the food for next week until he ran out of money that he had saved from summer job.
So all he was doing at his room was to have fun, party, order-in food, play sports, learn new spots but nothing like drugs, alcohol or anything else.
Now after quitting school he is back at home, says he is looking to do extra courses that are needed to apply for the program that he likes NOW. Fine. But reality is he is not doing anything except eating, sleeping, hanging out with friends, be with them on the phone all nights. He has got a part time job. He has also got a small limit credit card in his own name. My guess is he has already maxed his credit card from the things he has been purchasing online.
His relationship with my new wife used to be okay but recently I have noticed that he is exploiting her because a) he is very good at observing her psychology and b) he knows I tend to believe him over other people. So again he pretends to be very well behaved but as soon as I leave home for work (and I live in other city for work) he starts to do subtle things that will annoy her (not speaking to her, wasting stuff, staying up all night or gone out without telling her and much more).
He seems to be very loving older brother to my two new kids but it seems they too have learned how to tell white lies from him. That's what's bothering me now. I asked him (rather told him) that if he really wanted to have full independence he would have to move out and be on his own. At home, I can't have two sets of rules - one for him and other for younger ones because they just don't know the difference of age and demand same liberties as him. (6 and 5 years old).
He has brought me to a point that I blame the whole divorce and failure to raise him as an honest, trustworthy citizen as my fault. This is constantly bothering me and apparently my health has taken a hit.
The more I probe the more I learn that he took full advantage of the divorce and exploited both parents to his benefit. This is very frustrating. He is very cold, non-emotional and shows almost no feelings about anything. I have been occasionally in touch with ex and she is just as shocked as me.
Anyone has had similar experience. What is the best advice to deal with this? Or am I overreacting and this whole thing will go away in couple of years with his maturity level?
Comment