Parent Sending Allergens Home Intentionally

[ninehundredt]

Hey it's been awhile, but I have a peculiar question. Since the separation we have been sending dirty clothes back after each access visit in a grocery bag to the receiving parent. This has been the routine for several years now.

My kids overheard my fiance mention that the detergent/fabric softener their mother uses gives her an allergic reaction. The next access visit my ex sent the kids back in the clothes they were previously sent home in. She had laundered them using the detergent / fabric softener that is an irritant.

We gave her the benefit of the doubt the first time it happened, but when it continued the next two access visits, we sent an email to her explaining the allergy, and asking that she stop laundering our clothing. Another visit and the same thing. We emailed again and she refuses to acknowledge our request.

We also believe it's causing one of the children to break out in rashes. We mentioned this to her in the email correspondences, and she dismissed it.

We figure the next step is to bring this up in court, but any suggestions / would be appreciated.

[rockscan]

Really? Youre going to bring this up in court? Throw the clothes into the wash when they arrive and clean the irritant out. I cannot believe you would play into this bs. Anyone who has an allergy knows that there are things you cant control so you roll with it—like washing things when they arrive and not falling into the bs trap!

[blinkandimgone]

This seems like a huge leap to assume the kids overheard something, repeated it to the other parent and that the other parent is purposely doing this. They likely wash the kids clothing with everything else and given your fiance mentioned it and the kids may have overheard it sounds like this was already happening before the kids overheard it.

Don't try to control how the other household does their laundry, this would be ridiculous. Just throw the clothes in the wash.

Court? You must have a lot of money to spend if you would even consider bringing something like this to court. Insanity.

[ninehundredt]

Did either of you read the post? I understand that to most people it's not a bother, including myself, but that doesn't mean it isn't important to the person breaking out in a rash.

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[blinkandimgone]

Yes, i read the post.


Child comes home in laundered clothes.
Fiance comments that detergent bothers her.
Child comes home in laundered clothes
Other must be intentionally using detergent you dislike because child overheard fiances comment about the detergent despite that this was already happening prior to fiances comment.
You want to go to court to force the other parent to either change laundry detergent or send dirty clothes.

What part did i miss...?

[blinkandimgone]

For the record, I would also not acknowlege an email telling me how to do my family's laundry.

[standing on the sidelines]

so she sent the clothes back dirty and your gf had a reaction to the clothes?

I am sorry but why is your gf even mentioning the laundry soap your ex is using?? That is none of her business and not her worry.

If the kids were not breaking out in a rash before (you did say one of the kids was getting a rash) then it isnt the laundry soap. It has to be something new. I figure your ex is like eveyone else who uses the same stuff to wash the towels and bedsheets. Sleeping in bed or using hand towels etc would cause a rash also.

as for the new gf she doesnt need to touch the clean clothes, you can deal with the clothes or the kids can.

I agree with the other posters, this is such a petty thing to bring to court. There are parents on this site who are fighting over custody etc and you want to tie up valuable court time with a laundry issue???

[backinthesaddle]

A judge will lay into you and make you look like a complete fool. Pick your battles. Life is hard enough. A court order for anything is useless. It's a tool to use to get two grown adults to try and act like adults but ultimately you can't make people do what they don't want to do especially in Family Court. Cross the line to criminal and then its a different story. What is the sanction for using Tide instead of Sunlight? Get it together. I think perhaps this was a joke.

[denbigh]

If my expartners new partner tried to micromanage my choice of laundry detergent I would ignore that too.

why is this an issue for your new partner? You are the parent, shouldnt you be the one doing your child's laundry? Do your own laundry, problem solved.

[Rioe]

I'm not following this sequence of events. The children arrive to your home in clean clothes, and bearing a suitcase of clean clothes for the duration of your access? You then send these clothes back, dirty, in a plastic bag? So your ex has always been the one who washes the kids' clothes? Why is there suddenly a problem? If you don't want her laundering clothes, don't give her dirty ones! Wash them at your home with whatever detergent you like, and keep a sufficient amount there. Just send the kids back in the clothes they are wearing. If your ex's detergent is that much of an irritant, make the children change clothes when they get to your house.

It sounds like you are trying to imply that your ex is being petty, deliberately washing the clothes in a detergent that causes your new partner an allergic reaction because you dared to complain. But she would have been washing the clothes before, if you sent them back dirty, so that's not actually it.

Heck, maybe your ex does intend to change detergents, after the current container runs out.

For the sake of people who really need court time for important matters, please don't waste it on this pettiness.

[arabian]

Sending dirty laundry to the other parent is .... well... a bit off-putting is it not? You say this is something that has been done for several years. How bizarre.
Do your guests bring their dirty laundry to your place as well for your g/f to do? Can I bring my laundry to your place for your g/f to do?

Have kids change clothes outside or in the garage... then tell your g/f to put on surgical gloves (which you can purchase at any drugstore) and lift the offensive articles into a separate laundry basket (only used for offensive things such as these). If she doesn't want to use the surgical gloves she can simply use kitchen tongs to pick them up and scoot them into the washing machine.

Before you go into court with something like this perhaps have children allergy tested?

Hives could be stress-related. Good thing kids aren't bed-wetters.

[Asphenaz]

Parent Sending Allergens Home Intentionally

My STBX did the same thing, my mom and sister have alergies to scents. My S12 has asthma.

As you did, i politely requested that she try not to use scented detergent and for a while she drenched the clothes in it.

Like was mentioned, IF it’s on purpose it’s a trap. Your choice to fall for it or not.

My kids are used to changing when they get home / before they hug grandma or visit their aunt. We are used to airing out the clothes or laundering them.

Since the STBX didn’t get what she wanted she moved on to another tactic.

Save your energy for the bigger battles ahead and learn to let go of the little things. Even after the dust of separation has fallen you will still need to deal with the ex best learn to now.


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