so very URGENT for your advise

[Where is the Light]

Hello to those of you who have been following my situation with my teens (and their dad).

Well, my kids continue to treat me not well. In fact, their behaviour is getting increasingly worse over the past 5-6 weeks since spending time at their dads.

Today my ex emails me and asks if I will have the boys stay with me this weekend. I have been hesitate because of their lack of respect towards me. Remember, this is why I asked them to spend a weekend at their dads in the first place (for their name calling towards me, among other things). Our teens can't be civil to me for ten minutes and he has now asked for me to have them for the weekend? I have been asking and aking and asking to have them go to therapy. He actually put in his lawyers papers to me that the children and I had a poor relationship and he was going to secure counselling for the three of us. Well, now he says it costs too much money.
So, today when he asked me to have them for this weekend and every other going forward I wrote, "I am in counselling and at this time I can not commit to anything. I am sorry, but I can not have my children treat me as you have done and do so." Something to this affect.

Well, then I get served with papers later today. Would you believe he noted ''psychological abuse" to my children, by me? Omg, you can't t'take a childs cell phone and they can cry to their dad psycholicgal abuse now? I mean, I had done a few other things when mistreated. I once took my sons' house key and said for today no key, you can come home and I will be here. My same son ran out of the house once when I tried to take his phone away for backtalk/swearing at me. This constitutes physchologial abuse? Omg, I suspect then many of us have abused our children psychologically. In his papers, he finally had to reveal his income because I had asked for the t4's and notice assessments for 3 years now. He has been lying about his income as I figured. What to do about that? Probably I will do nothing other than point it out.

So, he also puts in the papers he wants custody now and the kids to see me when they so wish. Yeap, that is what he put? When the kids so wish.

Let me think this out, he claims I psychologically abused them and then he wants me to have them stay at my house this weekend? I wouldn't want my kids here, would you? Do I want my kids here now? Not how they treat me (which as I said is WAY WORSE NOW since staying at there dads). I want them in therapy.

I don't even know how to respond to this very upsetting statement "psychological abuse". Do I even get into the yelling and swearing (his way of life), in his home? Swearing at his kids all the time? And you wonder why they treat me the way they do??!! Do I raise the issue of being abuse myself by my ex? The grabbing my crotch/breasts and pressing his penis into my bum and asking me if I want him"? Chasing me up the staris and rattling the outside of my locked bedroom door "asking me if I wanted it"? Throwing my clothes all over the house and walking out telling me "I had a lot of laundry to do" , while laughing? The fruit loops he left on my porch followed by text messages, "fruit loops fruit loops fruit loops, ha ha ha ha ha). The deck of cards he mailed me on my birthday saying "you are not dealing with a full deck"? Are these not forms of abuse? Do you know how much time I spent in therapy for the ways he treated me?

I am terribly disappointed in my children, but look who they have as a role model?!

How do I purse this? Horribly hurt and extremely upset.

Thank you for your constructive thoughts. Links17, you need not respond. Thank you.

[rockscan]

He can say anything he wants in his court papers that doesnt make it true. Remember there are many posters on here who went through false accusations including dealing with CAS snd the police.

DEEP BREATH!!

You need to set aside all his false allegations and work on the paperwork. Think about what you want. You want them in therapy so request it of the court. You need to calculate exactly what he should have been paying in cs the last three years and see how that will go against what you owe him. For instance, if he owes you 3000 and six months of cs for you is 3000 then you request child support start six months from now.

You may want to go speak to a lawyer. Hes simply filing the papers to get a cs order. Let him. Clearly hes struggling with this kids from the sounds of it!

[arabian]

I think you are doing the right thing by not firing back a response. Take time to consider this carefully.

You have every right to set boundaries and RULEs OF APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR. Perhaps give consideration of children signing an agreement with you to that effect: house rules.

Check out in your area if there is a Tough Love group. Friends received lots and lots of support through this organization. Your situation sounds quite similar to my friends' story. And yes, daughter could not come back to the house until she signed the agreement (which laid out very specific consequences for failure to obey the house rules). Today that daughter is happy, healthy and a mother herself. She thanks her parents for the Tough Love approach.

I agree with Rockscan and would add that his lying about income will go to his credibility. Consider this an early Christmas present!

[Links17]

Did I mention, I think this poster is lying. I don't even bother to read her posts because of all the other inconsistencies anymore but I would suggest to the rest of you nice, honest, believing individuals to not waste your time.

[Where is the Light]

Links,

Some thing is SERIOUSLY wrong with you. You seem to be fixated on me. You just said you do not read my threads and here you are reading my thread and commenting again. Consistencies, really?!
I have so many emails and text messages from my ex and his neighbours witnessing his crazy behaviour ie pounding his chest on his street stating "it is a mans world, it is good to be a man," that I could be in court for days.

However, I no longer have money for this craziness. I am however thinking to bring a few in the least in to court to let the judge see what kind of nut I am
dealing with.

Might you be him? You kind of seem one of the same.

Thank you so much to the others for responding.

[Rioe]

You've spent whole threads lamenting not seeing your children and now they are offered to you for CHRISTMAS and you are turning it down? Don't take your anger at your ex out on your children. Love them more than you hate him. Say YES to every possible visit with them, and treat them with respect and instruct them how to respect you in return. If they are rude, give them consequences, and if they choose to leave your house and go back to their dad's, that's their choice, but do NOT kick them out yourself. Stay calm. Model good behaviour.

Telling your ex you don't want the children for Christmas is going to be interpreted as a HUGE rejection by them. They are still malleable. Don't give up on them.

[Newfie76]

Want to know how to gain the respect of your family back?

Ans: Start by loving your children; show your love through actions and everything you do; spend time with your kids, talk with your kids and not to them. THEN...refuse all CS and SS you receive from your ex. Support equality and earn your own money; be a role model for your children by doing so; gain their respect by hard work and taking care of yourself first.

You do those basic fundamental things and you will turn the entire situation around. It removes the foundation of negativity within your families relationship. So what if he earns more than you...your children will love you for who you are....not where you live or what you give them.

CS/SS is a form of oppression...it is therefore a natural response for any person (payor), man or women, to rebel with negativity in a divorce situation like that. Remove the privatized welfare payments...and you knock out the legs of negativity....and open the door to building a positive future family relationship.

NO ONE likes to hand over money that they worked for.....that's the bottom line. Be the first to be the mature one.....let your ex go....you dont need his money.

[LovingFather32]

You've learned to depend on others. As hard as it is, this now needs to change.

You say things like:

EX just decided to divorce me out of anger (he isn`t getting remarried), but he gets the lovely privlidge to cut me out of his health and dental benefits if we are divorced. We are talking about a very mean, money hungry, cheatter, than cares very little about his children.

Or

But, what do I say that I haven`t a job still. This is crazy, this whole trying to secure a job ordeal.

Where'sTheLight....Get a job, work hard and follow the below advice.

Start by loving your children; show your love through actions and everything you do; spend time with your kids, talk with your kids and not to them. THEN...refuse all CS and SS you receive from your ex. Support equality and earn your own money; be a role model for your children by doing so; gain their respect by hard work and taking care of yourself first

Best thing I've read on this forum in a long time!!!!!

Rioe had some great advice also:

Don't take your anger at your ex out on your children. Love them more than you hate him. Say YES to every possible visit with them, and treat them with respect and instruct them how to respect you in return.

[arabian]

Want to know how to gain the respect of your family back?

Ans: Start by loving your children; show your love through actions and everything you do; spend time with your kids, talk with your kids and not to them. THEN...refuse all CS and SS you receive from your ex. Support equality and earn your own money; be a role model for your children by doing so; gain their respect by hard work and taking care of yourself first.

You do those basic fundamental things and you will turn the entire situation around. It removes the foundation of negativity within your families relationship. So what if he earns more than you...your children will love you for who you are....not where you live or what you give them.

CS/SS is a form of oppression...it is therefore a natural response for any person (payor), man or women, to rebel with negativity in a divorce situation like that. Remove the privatized welfare payments...and you knock out the legs of negativity....and open the door to building a positive future family relationship.

NO ONE likes to hand over money that they worked for.....that's the bottom line. Be the first to be the mature one.....let your ex go....you dont need his money.

^ridiculous post of the month^

This poster is perhaps a latent hippy? Unless teenagers have been raised in a commune they do indeed focus on material items.

It is not the government's responsibility to support people, therefore CS & SS exist.

Nobody likes to fork over money - that includes paying excess taxes for deadbeats who shirks their responsibilities. You have kids and an ex - YOU pay for them buddy. I suggest YOU be the mature one and pay up and quit griping about your responsibilities. Then we'll talk about a "positive future family relationship."

This is the CANADIAN way - don't like it? - Move to a socialist country.

[LovingFather32]

^ridiculous post of the month^

This poster is perhaps a latent hippy? Unless teenagers have been raised in a commune they do indeed focus on material items.

It is not the government's responsibility to support people, therefore CS & SS exist.

Nobody likes to fork over money - that includes paying excess taxes for deadbeats who shirks their responsibilities. You have kids and an ex - YOU pay for them buddy. I suggest YOU be the mature one and pay up and quit griping about your responsibilities. Then we'll talk about a "positive future family relationship."

This is the CANADIAN way - don't like it? - Move to a socialist country.

The part I liked was "talk with your kids... not to them". Very well said.
Also .. my mother never asked my dad for CS. Worked her ass off and went to school. I might not have had the best brands and or the greatest toys....but I felt rich and learned great work ethic from my mom.
I do believe CS and SS are needed and serve a function.......but I think promoting independence (financial, etc) is extremely important as well.

[arabian]

If you read the poster's (Newfie) older threads you will get a sense of where he is coming from (which I try to do before I respond to ridiculous posts such as his).

To tell a woman (who was in a long-term marriage) to refuse CS and SS and get a job is not only unrealistic but spiteful and full of his own personal bias. The woman/poster is asking for advice on how to handle her current, ongoing situation with her teenagers. Dragging children into her finances is likely the farthest thing from her mind right now. This is an issue about out-of-control disrespectful teenagers and not about CS/SS like so many people always want to make it about.

There exists, in my opinion, way too much bias against single female parents who post on this forum. Too much judgement and derision is cast against them if they are CS or SS recipients. I, for one, will not remain silent on this and will continue to point this out.

I simply want discussions on this forum to stay to the topic that the poster initiated and not get side-tracked.

[arabian]

I know there was a tough love group in Edmonton at one time. If there are none in your area you might gain benefit from obtaining some of their resources. This is basic information that I found online. I found the philosophy interesting and of relevance to your situation, namely, they do not promote kicking kids out of the house:
TOUGHLOVE Philosophy

[Newfie76]

Arabian: I am starting to understand why so many people ignore your posts.

Maybe I should marry you too, then I could support you and help your ex. God forbid you actual work and support yourself. Oh dear god no...you poor thing.

I know of 3 women personally that receive SS from multiple ex husbands.....life is good....they never have to work ever again. You wouldn't happen to fall into that category now would you? Now....Im not saying its wrong to live of the bails of others....it is legal after all.....

[LovingFather32]

I can't speak for other posters Arabian .. but I know my thoughts are genderless. I'd be encouraging a single father to get back in to the workforce in this same situation as well.

I feel for her not seeing her kids ... I know how that feels and no parent should ever have to feel that.

I also don't agree with refusing to accept CS/SS (although my mom did and avoided a bunch of BS while working her butt off....taught me a hell of a lot about working). I just think a lot of penishead men "use" this money crap as leverage over some of these poor women who have been out of the workforce for so long.

My advice is to get retrained, reeducated if you have to and get back to the workforce (I know it's not easy for sure) ... but then you have a sense of accomplishment, Independence, your kids see you working for your pay...and most of all....you don't rely on a "penishead" man who's serving you court papers every other day, hiding cash, delaying matters, etc.

I think financial independence is a wonderful thing whether you're a man or woman.

(Okay...I said "penishead" way too many times there"..my bad) :-)

PS: I actually work with troubled teens quite often .. I will shoot this poster a PM with some resources, adivice.

[LovingFather32]

Maybe I should marry you too, then I could support you and help your ex. God forbid you actual work and support yourself. Oh dear god no...you poor thing.

Easy Newfie. Arabian is an amazing person and poster and also self-sufficient. Her ex dragged her through the mud time and time again. She's a wealth of information and a soldier on these forums.