Kids want to now live with dad

[Where is the Light]

I will regret this for the rest of my life (if only I had known the outcome).

I asked my children to pack up some clothing and advised them they were going to spend a couple days with their dad (while thinking about horribly they treat me). I even went so far to say, maybe you will decide you don't want to live in my home with my rules. Dad was angry that I asked them to stay there longer than 1 day as he had plans. He told me I would pay for this. This I am!!

So, now that the kids are adamant they will live with dad after 13 and 16 years, how do I cope/come to terms with the mistake I made? How do I come to terms with my children no longer living with?

I am dying inside!

[blinkandimgone]

I believe this is being addressed in the other thread you started on the same topic.

[stripes]

I can imagine that you must feel terrible right now, but give the situation a few weeks to settle and things may look brighter. This was a mistake on your part, but it isn't the end of the road. Acknowledge that you made a mistake and focus on what you can do now to improve your relations with your sons. Perhaps some "cooling-off" time at Dad's isn't such a bad thing, if the situation at your house was really stressful?

Keep in touch with your sons and their activities, but don't overdo texting and calling them. Let them know you still care about them. If your relationship with the father is good enough, tell him that you made a mistake and ask for his help in rebuilding your relations with the boys.

[Where is the Light]

Kids want to now live with dad

I can imagine that you must feel terrible right now, but give the situation a few weeks to settle and things may look brighter. This was a mistake on your part, but it isn't the end of the road. Acknowledge that you made a mistake and focus on what you can do now to improve your relations with your sons. Perhaps some "cooling-off" time at Dad's isn't such a bad thing, if the situation at your house was really stressful?

Keep in touch with your sons and their activities, but don't overdo texting and calling them. Let them know you still care about them. If your relationship with the father is good enough, tell him that you made a mistake and ask for his help in rebuilding your relations with the boys.

Thank you so much for your advise. It is just so hard to be without them. SO HARD!

p.s. The problem is that the dad and I can't stand eachother. He will do anything to keep the boys and I apart (now that he is LIVID with me).

Godbless

[Tayken]

I will regret this for the rest of my life (if only I had known the outcome).

The outcome is not set in stone. I recall this situation has only been ongoing for 2 weeks or less. Don't plan your life on current negative events. The sky is not falling and situations change. You need to make positive changes for them to happen.

One of those changes is that you need to get your emotions in check and seek counselling. You are clearly an overly emotional person and for teens having to emotionally support a parent is a nightmare. Consider that your children may be repelled by your over emotional state.

I asked my children to pack up some clothing and advised them they were going to spend a couple days with their dad (while thinking about horribly they treat me).

As you already know that sending children away to think isn't the best strategy. Your course of action is not irreversible but, your emotional state may be more of the issue than you know. If you are stressed and very emotional children will often be repelled. Especially if they feel that they have to support a parent emotionally.

You need to focus less on how they treat you and why. In fact, you would be wise to seek a therapist who specializes in child psychology. Your issues with the teens may in fact be very normal behaviour that you do not have the tools to deal with.

I even went so far to say, maybe you will decide you don't want to live in my home with my rules. Dad was angry that I asked them to stay there longer than 1 day as he had plans. He told me I would pay for this. This I am!!

Focusing on the other parent is not going to resolve anything. They are doing what they should as a parent. Providing a place for the children when you didn't. You need to fix yourself before you can fix the situation.

So, now that the kids are adamant they will live with dad after 13 and 16 years, how do I cope/come to terms with the mistake I made? How do I come to terms with my children no longer living with?

You seek counselling. You have a very negative view on a very short term situation. You need to stabilize your emotional state.

I am dying inside!

You may "feel" this way but, it is not happening. Much of your grief you are causing yourself by over analyzing the situation and thinking of worst case scenarios. Things could change and you need to work towards making them change.

Seeking counselling is your job 1. I would recommend a psychologist who has experience in CBT.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[arabian]

Where is the Light: I posted my comments on the other thread.

my other 2 cents is that you should take advantage of having some time to yourself and reflect.... preferably on a spacation with a g/f some weekend....

[Kinso]

I'm just going to echo Tayken's post that counselling is appropriate and needs to be your first priority.

The severity of your emotional response and what seems to be an extreme level of emotional dependency on your children (I'm not a psychologist - just my 2 cents) doesn't appear healthy.

It is possible this level of intensity is in part what led to some of the issues you've been having with your children in the first place.

[Janus]

The severity of your emotional response and what seems to be an extreme level of emotional dependency on your children (I'm not a psychologist - just my 2 cents) doesn't appear healthy.

If my kids decided to live with my ex, I would be completely devastated.

If that happened because I acted rashly in a moment of weakness, then the devastation would be that much worse.

I don't think there is anything weak or unhealthy about Light's reaction, I think a horrible thing has happened to her, and she is quite right to be upset. The fact that similar pain is visited upon fathers on a regular basis in no way makes Light's pain any less real.

If anything, I think my reaction would be even worse than Light's reaction. She is at least holding it together well enough to post on a forum and open herself up to criticism from strangers. I would be mentally and emotionally obliterated.

[Where is the Light]

Janus,

It seems you may be the only one hearing me. People can't imagine what they may feel until they have walked in my situation as is.

I am an emotional mess; not myself. I am full of anxiety/fear and falling into depression. I have scheduled appointments with both a therapist in counselling and one in parenting, but it is not making this any easier.

Thank you for trying to understand and being kind. The last thing I need is continue bashing going through this. There is a lot of cruelty in this group it is saddening.

[standing on the sidelines]

Janus,

It seems you may be the only one hearing me. People can't imagine what they may feel until they have walked in my situation as is.

I am an emotional mess; not myself. I am full of anxiety/fear and falling into depression. I have scheduled appointments with both a therapist in counselling and one in parenting, but it is not making this any easier.

Thank you for trying to understand and being kind. The last thing I need is continue bashing going through this. There is a lot of cruelty in this group it is saddening.

do you realize that a majority of the fathers on here have had to fight tooth and nail to see their kids after being with them every day? The only difference between them and you is that you created the mess you are in.

I don't think there is a lot of cruelty in this group. People just don't sugar coat things and give people a reality check.

[Where is the Light]

I feel badly for any person, any parent who has had to fight to see, or have their children, especially where the feeling was mutual between parent/child.

This was NOT the case with my ex who lives two minutes from his children. Up until everything happening two weeks ago, he only" choose" to have them every other weekend and three hours on a Tuesday. He only "choose" to have them with him 1 week a year to take them to a cottage he rented. He "choose" to go off on numerous Carribean vacations without his children. I on the other hand have taken them on vacations with me, while incurring some debt to do so. Family memories shared.

I know I hurt people and royally ticked him off (ex) and now he is being reactive. Believe me, I am paying the ultimate price.

[LovingFather32]

Well, back in 2013 you said:

He has become a better parent in the last few years
http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...06/index3.html

So I suppose that's a positive. We're now 2016 and he's obviously still being a great parent, even to the extent that the kids want to live with him.

I briefly read over your past threads and it seems you've dealt with quite a bit of emotional instability, falling in and out of depression,. etc.

Individual's with depression often wear sunglasses that are able to filter out "all" the positive while focusing on all the negative. Perhaps your children were beginning to feel that and needed a change.

It also seems like dad stepped right up to the plate on this one.

I have tried so hard to get a job. I would rather have my own money, thaN listening to him constantly whining about giving me money.

It sounds like your amplifying all of his bad qualities because a) he found another woman ; b) he has a job and paychecks but you do not.

Why not just a get a job? Even Tim Horton's and McDonald's are hiring on a daily basis. There are soooo many jobs out there it's ridiculous.

Once you're self sufficient and perhaps find a new love of your own, you will stop focusing on his life and his money and your emotional state will improve. Your kids will see this positive change in you and want to more part of your life.

[Where is the Light]

Kids want to now live with dad

I have struggled financially which is hard when you are raising kids. My kids were smaller, I have a special needs child. Going off to work in the night was not an option. Ex lives to minutes away and he refused to have them at night so I could make money to support myself/kids. Is that nice? As I said, he did not want them until two weeks ago with everything that has happened. He will have them now to hurt me, to save on child support and because the children are older and now mature enough (my special needs child), that he can actually go off to work and leave him in the morning. His life in this regard is not affected. Besides, his now wife is at home to help support him with the kids. This situation would not be happening otherwise.

True, I have struggled with a few bouts of depression. Always because he is fighting me, ususally for money, home contents, the house, NEVER TO HAVE THE KIDS.

And for your information, not that you seem to care or understand, but I have just spent the last three years putting myself through college and recently grauatated with HONOURS. This was no easy task as a single mom. And also for your information, I just FINALLY secured an on call job in my field of education. Trying to learn a new job after 17 years of being home, the stress of that and going thru this at the exact same time as this (not sleeping) is, well.................

Clearly, you are not in the field of compassion.

[rockscan]

You wanted your husband and kids to take responsibility for their actions yet you yourself wont take responsibility for yours. You made a rash decision and are now dealing with the consequences. Others here have pointed out that you need to get some emotional help to deal with your life. You need to stop lashing out at anonymous strangers on the internet. We didnt make your mistake, we simply gave you advice on your situation. Maybe not having your kids (which you have pointed out a number of times were a burden) might help you get your life back on track, get a job and start digging yourself out of this hole you find yourself in. At this point it might be good for everyone involved to live with thecurrent situation. Your ex can be a father, your kids can clean up their act and you can reduce the stress and focus on your own well being.

People here arent being harsh theyre being HONEST.

[arabian]

Where is the Light - congratulations on your academic accomplishment as well as your new job!

Having something to look forward (your career) will probably go a long way for you.

I'd say if the kids wanna stay with Dad - let em!!! Sometimes people simply don't understand what one has been through until they walk in your shoes.

You are smart enough (obviously) and caring and should merely remind your kids that they are always welcome in your home. I'd let the other parent be super-dad.... probably won't last long or he'll simply dump the kids with the wife.

It's all good.