Parental Alienation and ways to cope

[agreatdad]

Hi All, Its been a while since I posted on here but I am at a loss for ways to deal with this.

Long story short
divorced dad of two kids 20yr old and 15 yro old.
divorced 7 years ago

I am what I believe is a alienated parent. My ex continues to speak poorly of me to the kids. Both of which tell me all the time and my normal response is " I am sorry you hearing this" and to some degree I internally deny this is happening.

The rule in my house is that I don't speak negatively about my Ex or anyone including her husband. I just don't see hoe this benefits the kids. I feel its a way of her trying to control the kids.

What my kids are telling me now is that my ex is really starting to say some bad things that are causing my kids stress. IE Your dad cheated on me, your dad was abusive, all of which are complete lies. She does have some mental health issues so I do feel bad but this is starting to affect my relationship with my kids.

I am looking for ways to cope and ways if possible to make this stop.

Please help

[rockscan]

First you need to keep reminding your kids you love them and none of what they are told is true. Remember things like "im sorry your mother is saying these things but they are not true". Or "issues between your mother and I are between us and you should not be put in the middle".

Second you need to send your ex notice in writing that the children are telling you these things and should be left out. Dont accuse her, just mention what the children have told you and request that they be left out.

Third, dont let it get to you. Your kids are still speaking to you and thats key. Keep reminding them you love them and enforce that they are not to be involved. Let them know they are free to ask their mother to stop saying this to them. They are old enough to do so.

This isnt parental alienation. This is parental influence. When your kids stop speaking to you because they believe their mother THATS alienation. Keep up a positive dialogue and dont say negative things about their mother. They will see the truth and not listen to her.

[blinkandimgone]

Check out hostile aggressive parenting. Luckily your kids are older now and obviously recognizing this is wrong and is stressing them. They are probably old enough to read about HAP themselvess as well, and ways to cope and how to set boundaries with their mother around this.

[Links17]

I think you should be honest, if you cheated then say you did and you regret it or whatever. Everybody makes mistakes... obviously your mistake might have ruined your kids lives but hey, it's your life not theirs.

I guess you are EOW parent? If so, there is nothing you can really do. Have you been an EOW parent the whole time. These things are not solved by the law they are solved by contact and at your kids ages they can live where they like.

[stripes]

You are doing the right thing by not speaking badly about Mom and not engaging the kids in discussions of Mom's allegations - "I am sorry you have to hear this, this is not something for children to deal with" is the right tack to take.

As other posters have said, as long as the kids are willing to speak to you and express their emotions, you're doing well, because that means they are not truly alienated from you. In the long run, their direct experience of you will carry more weight than what anybody says about you secondhand, so take as much time as you can with the kids so they can see who you really are. Don't rehash your marriage and divorce with them. They are old enough that they will figure out what Mom is doing, and either they will feel sorry for her (because it's pretty pathetic behavior) or they will be angry with her for deceiving them. Just keep being present in their lives.

[zanman]

I get it all the time , She cheated on me and left but she feels the need to bash me for nothing but being a good father , I think she does it because she knows I am truly that. My kids me the world to me and I would do anything for them. It is hard sometimes to take the high road, but I will always explain who I am to them and the answers will always be truthful when asked.

[The-Iceberg]

Your kids are old enough. Tell them that their mom is lying just so the kids love you less and add that if she is telling the truth to prove it. (If she is really lying)

ps. Like links said, if you did do that stuff, apologize to them. They will understand.

[standing on the sidelines]

I think you should be honest, if you cheated then say you did and you regret it or whatever. Everybody makes mistakes... obviously your mistake might have ruined your kids lives but hey, it's your life not theirs.

I guess you are EOW parent? If so, there is nothing you can really do. Have you been an EOW parent the whole time. These things are not solved by the law they are solved by contact and at your kids ages they can live where they like.

so if a man cheats its okay to make a mistake but if a woman does she is a slut and whore?????

[Links17]

I was being sarcastic, I am not sexist