Ex making school negative experience

[LovingFather32]

So D4 is now in school .. but seems to feel guilty for going. She often says things like "Mommy says I should be home with my family and not at school". On my time she is happy and healthy, then I receive texts from ex stating that she's sick and not going in.

Now it's at the point where D4 is asking me to drop her at her mommy's in the morning because mommy will let her stay home. This "not going to school business" is being heavily reinforced by mom, to the point where D4 says she buys her gifts at Walmart for staying home.

Today was terrible. I dropped her at school and she cried, wouldn't play with her friends, latched on to me and screamed for me. Even said she might have to puke. These are all things that works for mom I believe. Total 100% escape/avoidance behaviors.

I knew she was fine as we were just laughing in the car, telling jokes, etc. Of course I know enough to give her a hug, kiss, tell her I love her and to be brave and NOT stick around. But it's breaking my heart. She has a ton of friends, now knows all her letters and numbers .. her fine motor skills have improved considerably, etc. Everything's just so positive. It hurts me to know that she's being made to feel guilty for going to school (so it seems).

A 4 year old shouldn't be made to feel guilty for going to school saying things like "Mommy and Mamey say that I should be at home with family .. that I don't spend enough time with them" ... and now she is asking to be dropped at mom's in the morning instead of school because mom will reinforce her staying at home.

Anybody else ever deal with this?

Thanks,

LF32

[Links17]

Just tell her that you school is awesome and that if she wants to grow up and be an astronaut or painter or feminist she needs to go to school and she gets to play with her friends....

Kids like school and bart simpson, its only because of irregular factors they grow to dislike it (peers, teachers, disabilites, parentss....).

Also, reinforce tat you don't agree with the mom and neither does society (everybody has to go to school).

In a few years, your daughter will realize her mom is a moron and just ignore her, just be there and be right.

[DunnMom]

I believe in Ontario a child is not "required" to be in school until Gr. 1 (age 6).

While I personally believe that the earlier the better in getting kids into school many people do not and choose to keep their kids' home for those 2 years (JK and SK). My ex-SIL was one of them. All our kids' are around the same age (late teens/early 20's now) and all academically pretty equal. It wasn't like mine were far ahead than her's or visa versa

I totally understand it bothering you (would bother ME too) ... but I'm guessing mom doesn't seem to agree with you on the school issue and is exercising her rights when she has the child.

[rockscan]

Have the teacher raise the attendance issue with mom?

Theres a fine line here especially considering how difficult your ex is. You had to know she was going to pull some crap and trying to discuss it with her will be difficult.

You may be able to address what she is saying to her as in "Im concerned with the number of absences lately when D4 is healthy and able to attend. If there is an issue with getting her to school perhaps we can work this out so she isnt missing time. It is a great benefit to her to get into a consistent schedule for school so that we dont have issues further on when school attendance is mandatory for her educational needs." Or something to that effect?

Also agree with telling D4 that its normal to mommy to miss her but everyone has to go to school or work and its important for her to be in school. Mommy shouldnt be saying these things to her etc.

[LovingFather32]

I believe in Ontario a child is not "required" to be in school until Gr. 1 (age 6).

While I personally believe that the earlier the better in getting kids into school many people do not and choose to keep their kids' home for those 2 years (JK and SK). My ex-SIL was one of them. All our kids' are around the same age (late teens/early 20's now) and all academically pretty equal. It wasn't like mine were far ahead than her's or visa versa

I totally understand it bothering you (would bother ME too) ... but I'm guessing mom doesn't seem to agree with you on the school issue and is exercising her rights when she has the child.

Yes. in ON you have to be in school by 6. Being in the field of education/behavior I see firsthand the extremely positive benefits of j/k. The kids who begin in grade one have a significantly tougher time adjusting to formal learning and following all of the expectations .. both behaviorally and academically. J/K prepares kids behaviorally/socially/emotionally/academically and sets them up for success.

The "social" piece in particular is very powerful. Eye contact.. social reciprocity .. personal space .. etc goes such a long way. I totally get that it isn't mandatory for j/k .. but it also isn't mandatory to eat healthy etc. But it's sure a good idea IMO.

I'm not sure why mom isn't on board as she herself is seeing the positive impact school is having. Her vocabulary is increasing, her letter/number recognition are amazing .. her mannerisms and overall development has improved.

The issue we're having is that my ex wants to make it seem like school is "bad" for D4 and unfortunately is making her feel like its her fault for leaving her family ... which I find reprehensible quite honestly. Who puts that kind of weight on the child's shoulders at 4 yrs?

D4 is beginning to say things like "Mommy says I dont spend enough time with my family and I should .. instead of being at school".

The other day she said "I dont want to work when Im older daddy. I want to stay home all day like mommy and mamey".

I want to have a heart to heart with my ex (we are speaking very civilly) about the importance of making school a positive experience for D4. All of the negativity regarding school needs to slow down.

I was just trying to figure out what else I can do except paint school in a positive light for her. Most days she loves it. She begged me to go if you recall on my last threads. But when mom says she should be staying home .. basically that its not fair that she doesnt get to see her .... it has a large impact on her.

Boy I'd love if my ex took a parenting after separation class .. it teaches so much about proper communication. Making her feel guilty for going to j/k is not proper .. IMO.

[LovingFather32]

Have the teacher raise the attendance issue with mom?

Theres a fine line here especially considering how difficult your ex is. You had to know she was going to pull some crap and trying to discuss it with her will be difficult.

You may be able to address what she is saying to her as in "Im concerned with the number of absences lately when D4 is healthy and able to attend. If there is an issue with getting her to school perhaps we can work this out so she isnt missing time. It is a great benefit to her to get into a consistent schedule for school so that we dont have issues further on when school attendance is mandatory for her educational needs." Or something to that effect?

Also agree with telling D4 that its normal to mommy to miss her but everyone has to go to school or work and its important for her to be in school. Mommy shouldnt be saying these things to her etc.

It's a good idea for sure. My ex and I decided that if D4 wakes up sick that it wouldnt be in her best interest to get her up and drag her around the city. Whichever parent has her that morning deals with it. (I have free childcare that comes straight to my home .. a perk of being with the school board). Still not sure if this is the best idea .. or if ex is taking advantage of this .. but it did sound like it was best for D4. Unfortunately this means that attendance records will be tough to analyze ... luckily I have all her texts.

I had many talks with D4 about how kids go to school and parents work .. but Im not sure if that is too effective as mom's opinion obviously means a lot to her also.

The funniest one is "snow days". Ill receive a text saying buses have been cancelled (she doesn't take the bus) and that the roads are dangerous so she wont be going to school. No problem right? Except I find out that she was at a Playgroup all day. Schools remain open during snow days and many of her friends were probably there. IMO if the roads are good enough to drive on to get to Playgroup .. why not go to her same-age peers at the school?

All in all... I just want her to hear positive things about school from all angles so that she can be happy and proud of herself and not have to feel constant guilt for leaving mommy. Just figuring out how to accomplish that.

[rockscan]

Then maybe you just address it with mom. "Hey Im concerned about a couple of things D4 is saying..." And then just focus on being on the same page etc. if shes sick a lot then maybe its time for a trip to the doctor! School should take priority and your ex chose this school and agreed to take her. Lazy parenting isnt an excuse.

[SadAndTired]

I say butt out.

All you're going to do by talking to mom is confirm to her that this is bothering you. She wants to irritate you. She's going to do whatever she wants anyway, so why buy into it?

You have to let go and realize that your ex is going to do what she wants. Not everything has to be addressed so that it's perfect in your eyes. Exes do dumb things. Exes say mean stuff to children. Exes beat their children and get away with it.

So she's asking the child to stay home more? So what? Be grateful your child is in school. Stop over analyzing and trying to control what your ex does all the time. You're teaching your daughter to run to you with mommy's issues. Stay out of Mom's time.

Not everything is a huge emotional issue that will leave deep, lasting psychological scars. There's a saying, when all you have is a hammer everything looks like a nail. Your over anxiousness may override Ex's choices and affect your daughter more. You worry far too much.

[LovingFather32]

Just here discussing things S&T. Not over analyzing. ...not being crazy worried.....just a discussion. I'm not a crazy psycho for discussing ways ex and I can make school a positive experience for D4. In fact I think it's a good, responsible discussion. Relax.

[SadAndTired]

Sorry, wanted to add, focus on making your child strong. Give her skills to be resilient, independent, and forward thinking.

Those skills will benefit her in life when dealing with many issues.

Those skills will benefit her much more in life than you trying to control her mother.

[SadAndTired]

Just here discussing things S&T. Not over analyzing. ...not being crazy worried.....just a discussion. Relax.

Me too....

[LovingFather32]

Me too....

Thanks for your input. LF32 is a neurotic, worrying mess. I appreciate your advice.

I hope your Easter is fantastic. You're a good person.

[SadAndTired]

Thanks for your input. LF32 is a neurotic, worrying mess. I appreciate your advice.

I hope your Easter is fantastic. You're a good person.

Why are you being so dramatic?

You are an EA with much behavioural experience. You don't need advice on how to handle a four year old with separation anxiety or manipulative behaviours. Either you buy into them or deal with them.

You need advice on how to:

a) Deal with your ex.

My advice was to butt out. Your ex will never have the "good, responsible discussion" you want her to. Stop expecting her to behave/act/choose differently. You cannot convince her and make things worse by engaging her. Move on!

b) Deal with your feelings, emotions and reactions to her.

My advice was to examine your own reactive behaviour and your worry that D4's entire school experience would be affected by your ex. The school will address attendance issue at an age when they feel it is important and relevant. Grade one/age 6.

[stripes]

It sounds like you're doing the right things already, just keep on doing them. Friendly but firm - Dad goes to work and Kid goes to school, and at the end of the day everybody comes home, and that's how it is. Big hug, bye-bye, and don't respond to the tears and crying.

I would not put much stock in what Kid says Mom is saying, or discuss this with Mom. You've only got a four-year-old's word for what's going on, and even if Kid is an absolutely accurate reporter, Mom isn't likely to change her behaviour if she's convinced she's right. Concentrate on what you can control - your time with Kid - and try not to overthink what Mom is doing/saying.

Remember also that this kind of behaviour is very common in kids starting school even from two-parent homes, so it may have nothing to do with Kid's parents being divorced. It's heart-wrenching as a parent to see your kid howling and crying, but it is normal. If you are comfortable with the school and the programme, just treat this as a developmental phase which will pass.

[arabian]

There are only a few months left in the school year. Before you know it summer will be here. Your daughter will then be in mandatory grade 1 correct?

I'd focus on summer plans now. Tell daughter to "suck it up buttercup" - "school is something you will be doing for a veryyyyyy long time." Then I'd jokingly throw yourself on the floor and bang and say while pounding your fists in the ground..."I don't want to go to work tomorrow...I don't want to go to work tomorrow." I used this approach with my son on some things and it diffused the drama.

In other words I'd try to make the situation fun.