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  • dealing with daughter

    This might not be the right spot, but I am having lots of problems with my 13 year old. I have a 9 year old and she is fine. First off the 13 year old seems to have anger issues and she has gone for councilling but sits there and refuses to talk to the doctor, shefinally said I can't do anything if she won't talk to me.

    I have been separated 3 years and was pretty amicable and she bought out the matrimonial home and I have a new home 10 min away. I also get them every other week.

    For the first two years she would be ok at my house and wanting to live there full time, fights with her mom etc. Over the last 6 months keeps telling me she hates me, wants to live with her mom. Hates the house. ( smaller house with 3 bedrooms 11.5 x11.5 and her mom has a bigger house with pool).But I do more with them and take them on trips as I can afford it with smaller home.

    She is throwing things etc gets mean to her sister etc and swearing. My 9 year old tells me she still fight with her mom.

    She thing is she will be fine for a day or 3 then kiss her going to bed and she out of the blue will say I f***ing hate you I want to live with mom ( mom has told me if it wasn't for money she would live with me fulltime) daughter doesn't know that.

    I think she has a hard time at school but she won't open up but I think some girl who were her friends don't include her in stuff now and hates school etc. I also think she blames herself for the divorce but she has been told over and over for 3 years it was not her

    I know this is minor compared to some of the problems on here but just looking some advice .

  • #2
    This is all normal teenage girl behaviour. My partner has similar issues with his 14 yo and our friends are going through a situation very similar to yours with their teenage daughter. My niece who has just hit this age is also demonstrating anger and acting out.

    Other than the counselor, just try to ignore it, keep providing her with supportive behaviour, set boundaries on acceptable behaviour and possibly invoke punishments for abuse or other issues.

    Definitely speak to a counselor yourself if necessary to help manage these issues. Also seek out some input from the school guidance counselor if there is one. They can all help with strategies.

    Ages 12-16 are very difficult for girls and more and more parents are finding this aggression and acting out. Youre not alone. Managing it seems to be a challenge for parents.

    Thats the best advice Ive got. I was a teenage girl and I remember how crappy I felt with all the drama and hormones and stuff.

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    • #3
      THANKS, I was hoping that, its just like getting stabbed when she says that. It hard when the hitting starts with the younger one

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      • #4
        How about getting her involved with Pathfinders/Rangers, or getting lifeguard qualifications, or some other leader training... something to stretch her towards adulthood and occupy her time in a positive structured environment?

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        • #5
          Thanks, she is already in one of those groups and that is usually a help as its small and the girls all seem down to earth not about teenage girl school drama and also plays hockey in the winter and skis

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          • #6
            Teen age girls can be "drama queens" also the hormones are all over the place ... this unfortunately is not uncommon even within intact families. I hate to quote Dr Phyl, but he makes a good point here: you have to find the kid's 'currency' and deal with that. If she hits younger sibling, you take away Iphone or something else that she wants. If she swears and yells at you, she gets no spending cash, you get the picture.

            You have to set up rules and stick to them with no exceptions. This way the little hellion will figure out fast enough, that her bad behavior does not pay.

            Worse thing you can do is get into a hollering match with her ... keep calm and stick to the rules - this too shall pass

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            • #7
              As long as you and your ex are on the same page of dealing with her, that should help too. When one house has more leniency that the other theres a problem. Remember that this behaviour happens with kids in any type of family situation. Dont feel guilty that your divorce caused this otherwise she will build on that to her advantage. Stay true to your principles about dealing with it and continue to work with others (your ex, the school etc) on managing it. Dont be afraid to invoke punishments and consequences for behaviours. You all will get through this. It will be painful but youll survive.

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              • #8
                Thank, I have but it doesn't help with the taking away privelages or ipods etc. I do think there is some mental challenges in keeping everything bottled up and doesn't really open up to anyone and has always done this. She is not ADD but some similar traits we were told.

                thanks for all the advise it really helps

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                • #9
                  So, she talks about how amazing mom's house is an how much she would love to live there, but mom would be happy to give her the boot because her attitude?

                  Sounds like she's trying to play both households against each other, and neither one of you are taking the bait.

                  Perhaps you and your ex need to both sit down with her and let her know that as much as you love her, the gig is up, and she needs to start accepting her reality.

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                  • #10
                    At or around that age, my ex and I sat down together with the kidlet, with a written list in hand that set out the rules, boundaries, consequences and rewards in our respective households. Kidlet wasn't pleased

                    The three of us reviewed, made some amendments based on her input and negotiations, and then settled on the final form moving forward and we each signed the list. I'm not sure the written list actually helped, but the hour long group meeting and honest discussion most certainly did.
                    Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

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                    • #11
                      me and ex, disagree on lots of parenting issues which is one of the reason for the split. neither of us let her get away with the stuff she does. Sitting down won't really work as it will cause a fight. She in my opinion says I know you hate mommy. I don't but I don't like her ( but always say no we just don't love each other like before but we still care about each other as we made great kids). She hates that answer but I never ssyanything bad about her. and always take the kids when she goes out during her week or doesn't want to take them to hockey etc.

                      My only brightspot is in the morning before school it usually ' I love you" from her but that night a few I hate you etc but not every night

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                      • #12
                        That is a really good idea, but my ex and I don't agree on how to raise them. that's the problem two house with different rules. Plus she blames me for her financial problems. I can only deal with my place

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                        • #13
                          Then you dont discuss the divorce or your feelings toward your ex with her. "How I feel about your mother is not your business. How I feel about you is the main concern. Right now I am concerned about your behaviour and it will not be tolerated in my home." Etc.

                          Set boundaries. Shes pushing you to get what she wants. If she can get you to allow her behaviour by pushing buttons about the divorce she will. Certain things are a non-starter. Obviously your ex is having issues too so perhaps the two of you can be grown ups about this issue and work together?

                          You dont have to like your ex to make joint parenting decisions together. You just have to be willing to set your issues with each other aside, put on your big boy/girl pants and do whats best for your kid.

                          Ask yourself if you can do that. Then ask your ex if you can work together on this issue. Then develop a plan to put in place. Obviously things arent working at her house since she said if it wasnt for money you would have kid full time. So do something.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by happy to be out View Post
                            That is a really good idea, but my ex and I don't agree on how to raise them. that's the problem two house with different rules. Plus she blames me for her financial problems. I can only deal with my place

                            For sure your D13 has figured this out ... divide and conquer, even toddlers instinctively understand how this works. If Ex and you have different parenting styles this only compounds the problem.

                            Just make certain that she understands YOUR house rules, no democracy when parenting, she does not get to vote on your conditions, be a cheerful dictator, it's your right as an adult.

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                            • #15
                              Have you re-partnered?

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