Advice please...EOW and teens

[momof2teenboys]

So we are early days in all of this. No SA, only the general verbal agreement that dad has the boys (16 and 13) EOW Friday 5pm-Sunday 5pm.
It has yet to be this way. Every time he's supposed to have the boys over a weekend I get a message - through the boys, he avoids all communication with me - that things have changed.
He's taking one of them on friday and then picking the other one up on saturday night...picking them both up saturday morning and then bringing one home saturday night...the 16yo is working saturday so he's not going at all...the 13yo wants dad to himself on friday so he's leaving the 16yo at home...yada yada yada.
He's been quite scattered on his weeknights too (and I'm home right now but am planning to go to school part-time in the fall so that will be an issue then too) but this weekend pattern I'm quickly getting tired of.
This weekend, (he hasn't seen the both kids over a weekend in in weeks) I was told last night has been rearranged once again. He was here last night for dinner with the kids (hasn't seen them in two weeks) so I went out with a friend and was back an hour before he left. So I was here - outside in the garden - available if he needed to discuss anything. And the message came from our 16yo. Dad is picking them both up Friday, they are going to a mutual friends house and then the 16yo is coming back here for the night because he wants to make plans with his friends and I'm supposed to drive him around all day Saturday. Um WHAT?
My take on this - it's DAD's weekend. It's his turn to have the kids for overnights and do the running around with them all weekend if needed and have the chance to spend as much time with them as possible. Yes - sometimes with teenagers the only time you get is in the car as their taxi driver and it's not always convenient. But this is it! This is what you get!
So yup - it ticks me off that I'm expected to just be here for his convenience and it ticks me off even more that I was here and he didn't talk to me about it, send me an email, text me a request...just passed the message through our son so I'm the bad guy if I say "NOPE - I HAVE PLANS!" ugh!
Ok - vent done...advice needed.

[FB_]

Nothing you can do.

You can't make him be a good dad.

All you can be is a good mom and give them what they need.

At their age access is 100% up to them anyway.

I'm sure his tune will change when he realizes the CS he's going to have to pay you.

Again kids are old enough to decide where they want to live and when.

[momof2teenboys]

I'm tempted to send him an email to ask him to check with me first - considering my plans before making arrangements with the kids - but I'm sure it'll be ignored.
banging my head on a brick wall may be more productive

[FB_]

I'm tempted to send him an email to ask him to check with me first - considering my plans before making arrangements with the kids - but I'm sure it'll be ignored.
banging my head on a brick wall may be more productive

You don't get to control him....

He can do as he chooses when he chooses.

I would ignore your email too.

Again you can't make him be a good dad.

Part of being a parent is putting your kids first, he hasn't which means you need to and unfortunately that might mean changing your plans.

My ex had no place to live for a month and couldn't watch the kids.. I did what I had to do and took them for the entire 6 weeks without batting an eye, this is what a good parent does...

I have no respect for any parent who lets their kids down like this especially after having to fight so hard to get 50/50.

That being said if he does decide in a month or two that his kids are important to him and he does realize he wants to be a dad I hope you wouldn't put up walls.

[momof2teenboys]

Yup - already changed my plans. I'm here for my kids just annoyed with my ex. I just don't get it really. I read through all the threads here from parents fighting so hard to see their kids so I just don't get why he's not trying harder to AT LEAST stick to the limited time he's committed to.

It would drive me crazy if I was only spending time with them EOW and occasional weeknights. And for the kids - it is SO IMPORTANT to spend as much time with their dad as they do with me.

If he wanted 50/50 I would work with him to make it happen. So far, the only request has been one night a week and EOW. I've offered to let him use the house as much as he needs for his time with him (I'll go out for the day/evening or whatever) but he just says he has other things going on and can't commit. He didn't show up two weeks in a row and when the kids called to find out where he was he said he had a meeting. Didn't plan another time with them...just sorry, work comes first, thought I mentioned it.

They're growing up fast and soon will no longer be even willing to spend their weekends with either of us. Friends, jobs, school etc will all come first. I'm taking all the time with them I can now while they want to see me. I hope it's not too late for him before he realizes the same thing.

[Straittohell]

At the risk of seeming too much like the devil's advocate, regardless of the obvious acrimony between you and your ex, he might be doing what he is doing in an attempt to cater to the boys and minimize the impact on them. (as opposed to deliberately making your life difficult) If, as you pointed out, the 13 year old wants a night to himself with dad, and he is trying to accomodate that, I would not immediately assume that he is doing it out of malice. The fact that the 16 year old has a job as well can be playing a huge role. Also, when I was 16, I was too busy with work and extracurriculars and friends to even bother being home half of the time, and my parents were together. I think that FB's point is excellent about continuing to be the better parent. Let him establish this status quo, document the times that he actually takes the kids, and then let him pay for it, quite literally, when the time comes. I currently have 50-50, week on, week off, and I can think of only a few weeks in the last two years in which my ex has managed to take the kids for a full week, without having to request that I take the kids for one reason or another. (mine are 5 and 8, which complicates it a bit). In my case, I have cheerfully accepted the children, enjoyed the extra time with them, and even cheerfully accepted that she has declined almost every offer of 'make up' time that I have given her. If the ex wants to be the lesser parent, they can do that until the cows come home. I made a commitment to be 100% available to my kids no matter what, when they were born, and to me, that holds firm until they are old enough to care for themselves, and remains important regarldess of my marital situation.

[Beachnana]

Use a calendar. As your boys are old enough to make their own plans I would suggest you arrange for a family scheduler. I believe you can do this on iPhones. I now use my ipad quite often for this purpose. Back in the day we all had day books, which we had to update from the master calendar. But it worked.

You have plans you put it on the schedule. They want to make plans which involve you or Dad says "Mom will drive you" then they need to look at the family schedule to see if you are available and either say "actually she is not available or I will have to check with Mom"

We lived in the country and often my teens would make plans to go somewhere in town and also volunteer me to do the picking up of friends, so the family schedule work well. They needed to look at the schedule to make sure I was available. Its not that you will say no and more than likely,they know they can count on you to be there but it teaching them common curtsey because a. dad has none and b. He will not teach your sons any.

[FB_]

Yup - already changed my plans. I'm here for my kids just annoyed with my ex. I just don't get it really. I read through all the threads here from parents fighting so hard to see their kids so I just don't get why he's not trying harder to AT LEAST stick to the limited time he's committed to.

It would drive me crazy if I was only spending time with them EOW and occasional weeknights. And for the kids - it is SO IMPORTANT to spend as much time with their dad as they do with me.

If he wanted 50/50 I would work with him to make it happen. So far, the only request has been one night a week and EOW. I've offered to let him use the house as much as he needs for his time with him (I'll go out for the day/evening or whatever) but he just says he has other things going on and can't commit. He didn't show up two weeks in a row and when the kids called to find out where he was he said he had a meeting. Didn't plan another time with them...just sorry, work comes first, thought I mentioned it.

They're growing up fast and soon will no longer be even willing to spend their weekends with either of us. Friends, jobs, school etc will all come first. I'm taking all the time with them I can now while they want to see me. I hope it's not too late for him before he realizes the same thing.

That's really all you can do.

Sending emails etc is pointless and a waste of your time.

Where does all this stand from a settlement point of view? Have negotiations started, child support, what is happening with the house?

[momof2teenboys]

We've only just begun with all the legal issues. I've sent my financial statement etc in to my lawyer a week ago. So VERY early in all of this.

I'm still in the house with the kids. We're splitting the mortgage, property tax, maintenance costs. I'm covering all the rest of the living expenses. No CS yet. I don't even know how far we are from being able to start any kind of negotiations. Does that take days? weeks? months?

He originally wanted the house sold and the kids and I moved out by the end of June. (We separated April 28th). And since he received a very firm NO to that...everything else has been delay delay delay. ignore ignore ignore.

We had started to meet with a marriage counselor months ago. Those meetings were really the only time he would communicate with me. He AVOIDS me like the plague. The counselor is trying to get him to continue to meet so we can discuss parenting plans, options with the house, learning how to or establishing a way we are comfortable communicating with each other for issues that will continue to come up in the future (especially with regards to the kids) but he's canceled two meetings and is now ignoring him. He's not communicating with anyone that would help us move forward.

(Although he's all over facebook - commenting on friends photos, putting up selfies of himself on vacation, sharing recipes...I've learned to block and ignore)

[FB_]

We've only just begun with all the legal issues. I've sent my financial statement etc in to my lawyer a week ago. So VERY early in all of this.

I'm still in the house with the kids. We're splitting the mortgage, property tax, maintenance costs. I'm covering all the rest of the living expenses. No CS yet. I don't even know how far we are from being able to start any kind of negotiations. Does that take days? weeks? months?

He originally wanted the house sold and the kids and I moved out by the end of June. (We separated April 28th). And since he received a very firm NO to that...everything else has been delay delay delay. ignore ignore ignore.

We had started to meet with a marriage counselor months ago. Those meetings were really the only time he would communicate with me. He AVOIDS me like the plague. The counselor is trying to get him to continue to meet so we can discuss parenting plans, options with the house, learning how to or establishing a way we are comfortable communicating with each other for issues that will continue to come up in the future (especially with regards to the kids) but he's canceled two meetings and is now ignoring him. He's not communicating with anyone that would help us move forward.

(Although he's all over facebook - commenting on friends photos, putting up selfies of himself on vacation, sharing recipes...I've learned to block and ignore)

Depending on the amount of the mortgage that would probably be considered his CS, otherwise you get into a messy occupational rent issue.

I would send him a formal offer to settle all matters although that will be very difficult if you don't have his financials, NFP, or anything else.

My ex ignored, ignored, ignored it took a court application to get the process moving. I tried to negotiate for a year and and got no where. If you know it's going to go there just start the process it will speed things up.

[mcdreamy]

Yours is such a recent separation, I'm sure your boys are confused as to what a future schedule between 2 households might look like, particularly if your ex isn't exercising any regular access. As others have said, I'd plan on being available 24-7 to them for the next while. I parent a teenager as well and appreciate the taxi-cab status you enjoy! Feel free to rant away here.

Where are you in the rest of your legal process? I'd think obtaining an order for exclusive possession of the matrimonial home should be one of your lawyer's top priorities.

CS payments [and in your case, SS payments], would commence as of the date of the ex' departure. That would mean he is currently in arrears.

Depending on the amount of the mortgage that would probably be considered his CS, otherwise you get into a messy occupational rent issue.

^This is not true, I believe. The home is an asset - is it registered in both of your names?

[FB_]

Yours is such a recent separation, I'm sure your boys are confused as to what a future schedule between 2 households might look like, particularly if your ex isn't exercising any regular access. As others have said, I'd plan on being available 24-7 to them for the next while. I parent a teenager as well and appreciate the taxi-cab status you enjoy! Feel free to rant away here.

Where are you in the rest of your legal process? I'd think obtaining an order for exclusive possession of the matrimonial home should be one of your lawyer's top priorities.

CS payments [and in your case, SS payments], would commence as of the date of the ex' departure. That would mean he is currently in arrears.



^This is not true, I believe. The home is an asset - is it registered in both of your names?

If he pays the mortgage he can ask for occupational rent.

Or you could just say it's his CS.

At some point she's going to have to qualify for the mortgage on her own.

Would you qualify for the mortgage on your salary. The courts can order whatever they want but the banks do not care and are not a party to the case. Therefore you WILL need to qualify for the mortgage on the house alone or it will need to be sold.

[mcdreamy]

Never wise to consider payments for a debt/bill as in lieu of cs. The OP can't waive payment of cs, it is not her right.

A claim for occupational rent is never an easy argument to win. Particularly in this case, where an ex has voluntarily abandoned the matrimonial home to the OP, who is in charge of the children. Add in the fact that the parties are currently splitting the costs of their joint asset, I’ll be bold enough to say that yes, he could ask, but highly unlikely he would succeed.

Perhaps best for everyone that the home be sold if the OP can’t refinance, but until the OP’s ex is willing to sit down, negotiate and settle, it would be difficult to make any decisions.

[Berner_Faith]

Why did Dad move out? Where is he staying now?

Because the kids are teenagers, it is hard to force anything on them. Maybe they have told Dad they don't want to spend time outside of the home they know. If Dad doesn't live really close to the home for whatever reason, this could also play a role. The 16 year old is old enough to basically take care of him/her self. At 16, it is not surprising they don't go to Dad's a lot with friends, gf/bfs, work, etc.

I won't say you are lucky because he is still paying the mortgage, but he is doing more than I think most people do when they move out. At least he isn't leaving you 100% stranded on the bills. Has child support or spousal support been talked about at all?

I wouldn't have the counselor continue to chase him, clearly he does not want to communicate directly with you or the counselor. I remember when my partner and his ex split (by her choice) she then sent her minister and father to talk to him to get things worked out within a month. That only made him drag his feet as she was not going to negotiate with people who were biased towards her.

You are in the early stages and it may be a long haul, be there for your children as much as you can. They need you now more than ever, even if it means a few extra taxi rides.

[Serene]

If it's dad's weekend you aren't obligated to play taxi to your kids. Just say "sorry I made plans because you were supposed to be with dad".

End of story.