Ex's partner

[DAHP_01_05_12]

How does everyone deal with your ex's partner? So frustrating!

[Pursuinghappiness]

What type of problems are you having?

[DowntroddenDad]

Personally I don't. I don't need to.

I don't care who they are, so long as they get along with my kids (and he does). But I don't have any dealings with him at all.

I do on occasion deal with my partner's ex. We are cordial. We shake hands every time we meet. We have spent hours together at Christmas, and nothing bad happened.

Your ex's partner is an individual. Treat them like an individual. Don't invite them though to get involved in issues between you and your ex. If they try, withdraw and work through the ex.

[DAHP_01_05_12]

She has her nose in ALL of our business and Im trying hard to deal directly with my ex but she isn't letting that happen. Just this morning she told me off because I wouldn't pick up my daughter last night and wouldn't let me talk to my daughter or my ex. I had to call the school to see if my daughter went this morning cause she was sick with the stomach flu late last night. Switch off days is today. sooo frustrating!!!!

This is the woman who had "an emotional affair" for years with my husband, after round 3, I stopped forgiving him. She tries to intimidate me (by controling my D8), has attempted to snoop into my financials, has put forward numerous complaints to CFS and is constantly calling the police for pittyful accusations. Just the other day, we had a settlement conference and my ex's said two words to the judge, she took the lead, I couldn't beleive it.

Yes, Im venting.

[arabian]

What, pray tell, was your ex's g/f doing participating in the conference? I would be formally complaining about this.

^that is your problem - she gets outside encouragement for her involvement. Interesting thing is that if you had a lawyer she likely wouldn't get away with this as the lawyer would simply bring it up to the judge directly, at the start of the conference. At the very least your ex should have asked permission for her to attend you'd think.

I totally feel for you. You must be quite the threat to her LOL

[DAHP_01_05_12]

I had a lawyer at the time, the OCL was there as well, the lawyers, along with my ex's lawyer were going back and forth between us and the judge then all of a sudden the judge asked to see my ex and she went with him. I can hear her talking as I was sitting right next to the door.

I just want her to stay out of our business and let me deal with my ex directly. Let me move on with my life!!!

[DAHP_01_05_12]

Needless to say I no longer have a lawyer, she wanted another retainer and Iv'e been battling for two years now and nothing is resolved...

[DowntroddenDad]

She has her nose in ALL of our business and Im trying hard to deal directly with my ex but she isn't letting that happen. Just this morning she told me off because I wouldn't pick up my daughter last night and wouldn't let me talk to my daughter or my ex. I had to call the school to see if my daughter went this morning cause she was sick with the stomach flu late last night. Switch off days is today. sooo frustrating!!!!

This is the woman who had "an emotional affair" for years with my husband, after round 3, I stopped forgiving him. She tries to intimidate me (by controling my D8), has attempted to snoop into my financials, has put forward numerous complaints to CFS and is constantly calling the police for pittyful accusations. Just the other day, we had a settlement conference and my ex's said two words to the judge, she took the lead, I couldn't beleive it.

Yes, Im venting.

I know it isn't easy but.

The solution is to not give this person the power. She has power over you because she can make you emotional. Stop caring about what is in the past. Reply to all her numerous issues in a very unemotional matter of fact manner. Once you suck the enjoyment out of her meddling, she will hopefully taper off and eventually stop.

Insist on dealing with the ex.

[stripes]

She feels threatened by you, she's insecure about her own relationship with your ex, and she needs to be at the centre of everything that is going on. If life isn't supplying her with sufficient drama to keep her busy, she will create some.

In other words, she's a loser and a parasite on others. You can be sure she is now making your ex miserable. There are millions of her kind out there. As far as possible, adopt the quasi-Buddhist approach of detachment ("I am observing a woman behaving badly. This is external to me. Now I will turn my attention to something else.") and concentrate on living a life in which your energy is directed towards positive people and activities. Try to regard dealing with her as a learning experience, or an opportunity to exercise your own skills at conflict negotiation.

She has her nose in ALL of our business and Im trying hard to deal directly with my ex but she isn't letting that happen. Just this morning she told me off because I wouldn't pick up my daughter last night and wouldn't let me talk to my daughter or my ex. I had to call the school to see if my daughter went this morning cause she was sick with the stomach flu late last night. Switch off days is today. sooo frustrating!!!!

This is the woman who had "an emotional affair" for years with my husband, after round 3, I stopped forgiving him. She tries to intimidate me (by controling my D8), has attempted to snoop into my financials, has put forward numerous complaints to CFS and is constantly calling the police for pittyful accusations. Just the other day, we had a settlement conference and my ex's said two words to the judge, she took the lead, I couldn't beleive it.

Yes, Im venting.

[Serene]

Actually, you can ask for other people to be removed. It is easier if both parties agree on consent. However, even if they don't agree you could still ask the judge at the beginning of the court appearance.

HOWEVER, I will offer you this: like it or not they are a couple. You can ask them to leave the court room but they are still there. AND if they are there they may show their true colours which will help you in the end. AND/OR it could speed things up in coming to a settlement if everyone is present. Remember, you married and divorced your ex, but he IS part of a bigger family now. It is what it is!

The other thing to consider is what you put in your post above. You mentioned the emotional affair... that is FACT. And it is irrelevant now. No fault divorce is just that. A problem without a solution is merely a fact - and to be coped with over time.

I personally would take the high road. Maybe she isn't a nice and decent person, but I suspect if you push her out of the equation you aren't going to get any further with your ex either. There is a reason she is doing all the talking in court, you just don't know it. You think you may know it, but you likely won't ever know for certain. All I am trying to say is that it is better to try and deal civilly with both of them than to try to ostracize one of them.

I will also offer this analogy: When I go to the bank, or ask for help in a department store, or call my insurance agent. I don't always get to speak to MY personal worker or even the manager or owner of the organization. But, if I get what I want in the end, then it doesn't matter who I speak with. And like it or not, often times the other partners have their own insight and can be beneficial at one point and time. I personally, for that reason, prefer to keep them in my back pocket for future use.

[FB_]

She has her nose in ALL of our business and Im trying hard to deal directly with my ex but she isn't letting that happen.

I agree it's not her place... but it's a place she has taken. Your ex obviously has no balls. Sometimes you just have to deal with what you can control. This is not something you can control.

Just this morning she told me off because I wouldn't pick up my daughter last night and wouldn't let me talk to my daughter or my ex.

Why were you talking to her. What was the urgency of the call. Were you supposed to pick up your daughter last night? Why wouldn't you pick up your daughter last night?

I had to call the school to see if my daughter went this morning cause she was sick with the stomach flu late last night. Switch off days is today. sooo frustrating!!!!

It sounds like you were offered an alternative and you refused....

This is the woman who had "an emotional affair" for years with my husband, after round 3, I stopped forgiving him.

So what, how is this relevant.

She tries to intimidate me (by controling my D8), has attempted to snoop into my financials, has put forward numerous complaints to CFS and is constantly calling the police for pittyful accusations.

If all the accusations were unfounded just ignore this crap. CFS and the police will eventually do the same.

Just the other day, we had a settlement conference and my ex's said two words to the judge, she took the lead, I couldn't beleive it.

who cares...You had a lawyer why does it matter who was speaking for your ex.

Yes, Im venting.

This is a good place to do that.

[Pursuinghappiness]

The solution is to not give this person the power. She has power over you because she can make you emotional. Stop caring about what is in the past. Reply to all her numerous issues in a very unemotional matter of fact manner. Once you suck the enjoyment out of her meddling, she will hopefully taper off and eventually stop.

I agree that this is the best way to deal with this, however, I disagree that it will necessarily stop.

I know someone who exhibits this type of behavior who married one of my family members and I can tell you that causing chaos is what gives them purpose. You literally have to cut them off completely to get them to stop but since that isn't a possibility for you...you have to do your best to ignore it and minimize it as best as you can. Do not react to nonsense...do not descend to her level....ignore whatever you can. Frankly, I wouldn't speak to her at all, I'd email your ex only when you have parenting concerns.

I also agree that she's threatened by you which is why she's getting territorial. But the real problem isn't her...its your weak ex who doesn't know how to handle himself and needs this type of person in his life. You should feel lucky he's gone...he sounds like a wimp.

I don't envy you having to deal with this but the best way to handle it is to simply ignore whatever you can.

[arabian]

While there are many new partners that are genuinely caring step-parents, there are many who are simply insecure trouble-makers who are simply enjoying their new role as your replacement. Recognize it for what it is.

I have had to put up with crap for 4 yrs. I get emails from my ex but they are really from his g/f. I know simply because of the consistent spelling errors (she is practically illiterate).

You have to realize the police probably have her figured out by now, especially if she is a frequent complainer. It is all recorded. Regarding the snooping into your personal business, all you can do is ramp up your personal security and disclose what you have to disclose to your ex when you have to disclose it. When sending things to him you can do it via double-registered mail. That way she can't sign for him. It costs more but sometimes it is worth it.

If your ex currently lives in a traditional relationship (he works she stays home with kids) then you have to realize she is probably doing most of the parenting at her end. Your ex is too insecure or lazy to do his own thing in court so chances are the same thing goes on in their house. If your ex is like mine, then he likely gets enjoyment from knowing you are upset with the involvement of his current g/f.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Why were you talking to her. What was the urgency of the call. Were you supposed to pick up your daughter last night? Why wouldn't you pick up your daughter last night?

Its always amazing to me how many people use the phone in these types of situations. I have never once spoken to my ex on the phone since we've separated (didn't speak to him much before that either)...and I certainly wouldn't be speaking to my ex's gf on the phone if he had one.

So many people get divorced yet take the emotional baggage from their bad marriage with them into their new life.

[arabian]

Agree with the other posters - this guy is a total and utter wimp. Can't go to court on his own? Sheesh. What a baby - probably a cousin of my ex. Who in their right mind would end up with a guy who wants you to tag along to court to deal with his ex? Just my opinion.