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  • 50-50 custody

    Hello everyone,

    I have known that my marriage was facing difficult times for the last year. However now I know that my wife is having an affair. We are currently anticipating a work relocation to another province so I am trying to keep my wits about me until the grim truth must be faced i.e. divorce.

    I spend more time with my daughter than my wife due to her work schedule. I also like being with her and am a very involved father. My question is about shared custody. I would like to have my daughter for 50% of the time. I was thinking from Friday to Friday. She is nine years old.

    I was hoping that people could give me their opinion about this type of shared custody. What are the benefits and the drawbacks.



  • #2

    as you mentioned

    I was hoping that people could give me their opinion about this type of shared custody. What are the benefits and the drawbacks.
    Check out the SPIG site for pros and cons



    • #3
      There was a thread here about the benefits of shared custody:

      The drawbacks are usually financial: pay (full) CS, SS and half of the day-to-day costs. Also, if your ex is hard to deal with, it makes for a very bumpy ride when you try to to do day-to-day stuff.


      • #4
        Originally posted by violinfather
        Hello everyone,

        I was hoping that people could give me their opinion about this type of shared custody. What are the benefits and the drawbacks.

        My children are 6, 8, and 12. My ex of one year and I have been doing a 50/50 access schedule on an interm basis. I am very much against this. My ex is very controlling so this makes it even less fun when it comes time to discuss issues.
        In the beginning of the access, the children enjoyed the amount of time they were spending with him as he was focusing on them and had never given them so much time. Lately, it has become a battle as the children are beginning to suffer in school this due to different homework rules and he spends less time with them in the evenings. Also, now he has a girlfriend with two small children. This creates a barrier with their father as they feel they are having to share him all the time. She has also been babysitting them when he goes for work.
        I assure you this is only the tip of the iceberg and just the recent junk I am dealing with. When this sort of arrangement is in place, it has to be a work in progress between parents and children. I feel my kids are now tired of it and just want a place to call home. I intend to fight for sole custody. I know many of the people on this site claim this shared custody access to be a winner. I am not one of them. We live in a small town, it's way too small for the two of us to live here for the next 12 years in a shared parenting plan. Ultimately, this is about the kids though. I think I would be able to grin and bear it if it weren't so volatile.



        • #5
          Hi -

          I am a firm believer that both parents have an equal right to raise their children.

          This kind of arrangement can work wonderfully, for all involved, if both adults can actually act like adults.

          One big step is to accept that you cannot control what happens at the other parent's home ... the only time you have the right to interfere is if your children are in harm's way somehow.

          The other thing lots of parents seem to be guilty of is putting ideas in their kids heads ...
          our kids don't object at all to step-parents, to different rules at different homes or to not having us communicate.

          The sum total of communication between my kid's dad and I in the last 3 months has been this:

          2 weeks ago a voicemail from him:
          "I may have to be out of town on business the week of the 18th, I'll let you know"
          My reply "Thanks for the head's up - let me know what you propose to make up the time you miss with the kids"

          Last night - from his porch to my vehicle in his driveway
          Him: "XXX (11 year old child) ripped his pants, it's along the seam, shouldn't be hard to fix" Me: "Thanks"

          Morale of the story - we don't have to talk to each other very often all, and we both prefer it this way - we aren't friends, our only continued involvement is through the kids, I NEVER speak to his current partner, nor he to mine, as we have no reason to do so.

          I did have to let go of a lot of anger towards his before I was ready to co-parent in a mature manner.

          Basically, I don't care what he does with his life, nor does he care about mine, the only thing that concerns me is that my kids are happy and well taken care of. I don't want to be responsible for messing with their heads by making them think that their dad is a jerk or a bad person.

          Too many people cite 'control issues' as being the reason they split up, or the reason shared parenting fails ... in my experience, it is often the person crying foul who doesn't want to give up 'control'. It's not a power struggle, it's a responsibility to be the best parent you can be, the best person you can be, and to let go of the past in order to acheive this.

          I speak from experience - ong, tough years of arguing over trivial matters. When I got happy in my own life, and decided to truly let the past rest, my kids, myself, and heck, probably even my ex, all became happier for it.

          Kids deserve meaningful relationships with both of their parents - that should be as much a right in this country as financial support has become. I am sure that with intact families, Moms don't refuse to let Dads love kids because Dad didn't brush someone's hair often enough, or feed them dinner at the right time ... but in seperate homes, these things become massive issues. In essence, when we (as mothers) deny our kids equal access to their fathers, that is what we are doing, denying them the love and benefit of parenting from 2 EQUAL BUT DIFFERENT parents.

          I would love to see more women behave in a completely responsible manner by not treating their children as possessions, and not acting like they are the only ones who have a God-given right to raise their kids. So many children would be so much better off. Children cannot benefit from having their dad marginalized in their lives ... no one ever grew up and looked back at their childhood and said "Gee, seeing my dad for 3 hours 2x a week made me into the person I am today" - but people do look back and say "My parents taught me that no matter what, I should be a good person, and treat EVERYONE with respect" - even when that everyone includes an ex-spouse.

          (climbing down off my soapbox ... man, it's a long way down somedays)


          • #6
            You can never clap with one hand

            Your behaviour towards shared parenting is awesome but its possible when two educated and mature human beings as ex-spouses are involved.This kind of arrangement is a hell where either of one spouse is a greedy animal who refuses to spend a dime on kids even without any separation or divorce going on.A person who left his ex after taking a lot of money from the ex-in laws and repeated the same thing in second marriage too.The first divorce he justifies as"she was very bad and we never had kids so we were divorced"and second divorce(mine one)he probably will justify"she was very bad and we had two very young kids so we were divorced"
            So all i can say is "only wearer knows where the shoe bites"


            • #7
              Shared parenting can work even if the relationship with the X is tenuous. The kids need to be shielded from the parent to parent conflict. Keep a journal - you never know when or why you'll need it - even if only to refresh your own memory.

              If you're on this site and you have kids then you have to realize that it's all about the kids. It's not about you or the ex or the differences between you. It's harder said than done. Good luck.


              • #8
                Why is it that when someone argues the assumption of the benefits of shared parenting that it somehow becomes out that parents "rights" to be "equal". Sounds like ego to me. There needs to be said about the rights of the child to have a predicatable and conflict free life, so that they are not caught in the middle of their parents dissagreements for their childhood. 50% time with both parents is not always in the best interests of the child. So why would one want to assume that it is? No one is arguing who is more important, but if you are measuring your importance in the eyes of your child by whether you see them 50% of the time, then that is about ego, and not about the child at all.


                • #9
                  Originally posted by SilverLining View Post
                  Why is it that when someone argues the assumption of the benefits of shared parenting that it somehow becomes out that parents "rights" to be "equal". Sounds like ego to me. There needs to be said about the rights of the child to have a predicatable and conflict free life...
                  SilverLining, you post sounds great, but the reason that a parent talks about 'rights' is not ego, it is simply the natural loving caring desire and need to raise and be with your own children, even IF the other parent may be better at it.

                  I think that any parent that cannot legally take care of their children, married or not, should lose their parental rights, and that is how our society operates - the rights of the parents come first, not what is in the best interst of the child, unless a line is crossed that causes that parent to lose those rights, a line that is not crossed by most separated parents that are threatened with losing their right to be a parent.

                  Look at it this way perhaps. I love my children and when they have children (whom I will also love), I want them to have the fulfillment that comes from raising them and being with them to the best of their abilities. As a parent I feel that they have that right to that part of life, otherwise why are we here in the first place? I believe they have that right EVEN if they divorce someone who is a much better parent by someones standards. In the end everyone for the most part has something to offer their children when they raise them. That is why rights are so important, they protect us from the government and those that try to decide what is best for us or our kids. No thanks, that is up to me. There is no ego, there is only love and the desire to give it and receive it.
                  Last edited by billm; 04-25-2009, 10:01 PM.


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