Attending children activities

[Links17]

So interim order in place, I only see my kids twice a week no overnights. Year before the break up i was the soccer coach of my son, this year I am coach again.

My ex sends me an email in response to the possibility of me and my son switching to another team with the following:

"
I don't appreciate you coaching their team twice a week when ur scheduled to see them on Wednesdays.

I would have loved for things to be "amicable" between us for the kids sake, but unfortunately you make it very uncomfortable and awkward. Your insisting on taking us to court and ripping our children from their comfort zone and the routine they've been used to from birth.

The kids, my family and I will attend every game as usual, you do what you want...."

How should I interpret that and how would a judge interpret that?

[standing on the sidelines]

I would save it but wouldnt respond. You are doing nothing wrong, you were the childs soccer coach and are again, that is a routine. She is being very unreasonable

[Atlas]

Sounds like your ex is expressing feelings.

Judges don't deal with feelings.

It is unreasonable to ask you not to attend children's events based on feeling "uncomfortable or awkward".

If you want to try being "amicable" you might reply that you are more than willing to keep clear of your ex and your ex's family? Otherwise acknowledge the mail to be polite and keep on doing what you are doing...



Atlas

[involveddad75]

Always focus on the children, ask yourself would the children want to see you there. If yes, then go.

I haven't read a lot of your story or other posts. So don't know much about your situation.

But half way through my trial our judge stopped the trial and sent us back to settlement. Another judge helped us come up with a agreement, my ex didn't agree to it at the end so we continued our trial. But in the agreement there was a paragraph about sporting events.

Each parent is able to watch or attend all events, there shall be no communication between parties, and they shall watch from opposite sides of the field.
I'm not suggesting you suggest this, but if you follow it and she makes a big deal about it then you can explain your plan.
In the end it's not how each other feels, it's about whats best for your children.

[stripes]

I'd send a factual email acknowledging her concern and expressing that you do not wish to create more discomfort, something along the lines of:

Thank you for your response. I understand that we both wish to avoid situations which will be uncomfortable for the children. I will attend games in my capacity as coach, but will not communicate or interfere with you and your family members at the games. This way, I hope that we can both focus on our children's enjoyment of the game.

[Links17]

Thanks!

like the other side of field idea, thanks. I won't mention it, I will just do it if necessary/where possible.

I am the one of the co-coaches anyways so I am normally not just watching but am actively involved in the games and practices.

I don't want to answer to be honest, I normally don't answer things if there isn't an "action item" required. I am sand.

[sjandme]

Several years ago now, my son was on a team that had two single (honestly bitter) moms as coaches. It was an awful situation - fraught with tension. One woman who was not coaching on the field once gave me a running commentary about her ex on the other side of the field. Both their respective exes, along with their new partners... were factors too - lots of arrogance and hostility.

That soccer group really handled the situation poorly. All those messed up psyches set off a snafu early into the season. My son ended up on another team after a game or two.

And he has played with other groups since.... I was so ticked off with that situation - how it was handled. I will always recall that experience as a low point in suburbia.

****

Last year, I was a single mom myself. Whenever my stbx was attending a game, I did not. (We were not volunteers of course.) It was best for everyone including my son.

There was another dad there, I noticed after awhile, who was divorced. He and his ex seemed to be doing the same - i.e. not coming to the same game.

***

I hope you and your ex find a way to make it a positive experience for all the children involved.

If you are able to coach well, without any other agenda getting in the way, then it seems unreasonable for you to not do so - never mind any access schedule. Good luck.

[Janus]

The kids, my family and I will attend every game as usual, you do what you want...."

How should I interpret that and how would a judge interpret that?

It sounds to me like she is ok with you attending the games. I don't see the problem here.

[dad2bandm]

Year before the break up i was the soccer coach of my son, this year I am coach again.

My ex sends me an email in response to the possibility of me and my son switching to another team with the following...

As others have stated already, you should keep this communication for your records, but I would just ignore it. Your ex is being very unreasonable, insisting that your son switch soccer teams, simply because it sounds like *she* is uncomfortable.

[Rioe]

So interim order in place, I only see my kids twice a week no overnights. Year before the break up i was the soccer coach of my son, this year I am coach again.

My ex sends me an email in response to the possibility of me and my son switching to another team with the following:

"
I don't appreciate you coaching their team twice a week when ur scheduled to see them on Wednesdays.

I would have loved for things to be "amicable" between us for the kids sake, but unfortunately you make it very uncomfortable and awkward. Your insisting on taking us to court and ripping our children from their comfort zone and the routine they've been used to from birth.

The kids, my family and I will attend every game as usual, you do what you want...."

How should I interpret that and how would a judge interpret that?

Personally, I find your ex’s ‘request’ to be quite confusing. She obviously doesn’t want you around soccer games, and views your decision to coach your son’s team as a cheater way to have access outside of your ordered days. Typical hostile ex attitude. What’s confusing is this idea that switching the kid’s team will fix things. Won’t that still involve contact, just on a different field?

Amicable behaviour would be being welcoming of you being the coach and involved with your son. By 'amicable', she really means 'doing everything the way she wants.' She is the one being non-amicable. You coaching is in the best interests of the child and if she will feel uncomfortable and awkward, then that’s about her, not the kid. She can suck it up for a couple of hours a week compared to the rest of her you-free access. Don’t fret about her blather about routine and comfort zones either. Of course routines are going to change after a break-up, and it is up to BOTH parents to maximize contact (like they had before the break-up) with the kids and guide them smoothly through the transition.

Then at the end she says she’ll be there every time and you should do what you want, which is her way of saying she considers that if you come to any games at all, you’ll be the jerk, not her.

But she said to do what you want, which is to see and coach your son. Put your stuff far from hers on the field (though I would recommend opposite ends, not opposite sides, that way there is no constant visual presence when looking across the field) and don’t interact in any way except with your son. If she or her family initiates rude or inappropriate interaction with you, well you have a sideline full of witnesses who can say that you kept your cool and she didn’t.

[thefunone]

Does your son like you being the coach or co-coach???.....Shouldn't that have a play in all this??? I suspect he does.
My ex and I attend all the kids functions - just do not make eye contact or talk - focus is all on the kids
I have coached both mine - and while my ex rants or complains to the other parents on the sidelines - they simply look across and see me as being an involved parent. Be part of your kids lives...
They will remember that

[Links17]

Just thought I would give an update here, I coach and attend my kids activities without incident

[Rioe]

Glad to hear!

A lot of what exes do is just bluster in the hopes you'll cave in to their unreasonable demands. When you don't, they have to back down because they know they are being unreasonable. And then a lot of exes then become unreasonable in a different area.

[Qrious]

Just thought I would give an update here, I coach and attend my kids activities without incident

That's great news, Link. Win-win for everyone!