how to cope with the ex's gf

[Betsy]

Is there nothing I can do to prevent my ex from bringing his gf with him near the house when he comes to pick up/drop off our (12 yo) son? I have asked that when she is in the car with him that he park lower down on the driveway so we dont have to see her but he refuses to do that now.

This is the woman who openly plotted against our marriage in her office for a year or more before my husband left me (i discovered this recently). She has harrassed me with emails and text messages that i dont reply to ( weve never met). She cyber bullied my teen daughter on her public facebook page (whom she has never met). She and my ex came in and cleaned our home and tried to sell it while the children and I were on vacation this past summer. That incident has my lawyer asking for exclusive possession of the mat home (still no sep agreement).

My husband sees only our youngest son, he cut ties with our eldest son years ago and made no effort to see our teen daughter (said no room for her at the gf house where he lives). When she phoned him crying about the cyber bullying he told her to "shut up" and refused to believe her (many people saw it and we kept copies) she has decided their relationship is over. It upsets my daughter and I to have him coming to the door, but it feels like extra salt in the wound to have his gf near the house as well.

Any similiar experiences or advice on how to deal/cope?

[OhMy]

My situation is not exactly the same, however the 'third party' comes with the stbx for drops off and has been often for the last while.

Given all the other games they are playing, I figured it was just another 'how to try to get under my skin' move (or they were really just not thinking anything about it- either way I don't dwell on it)

I don't let it bother me.

If you don't have enough for a restraining order against the third party in your situation, there isn't anything you can do other then try to let it go. They might just be trying to 'get under your skin.' If they are, its working.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Is there nothing I can do to prevent my ex from bringing his gf with him near the house when he comes to pick up/drop off our (12 yo) son?

No.

Any similiar experiences or advice on how to deal/cope?

My ex...with whom I'm engaged in an ongoing contentious, nasty divorce...who has zero contact with our eldest daughter...and who, my mother didn't have much positive to say about in the last couple years of her life....showed up at my mother's death bed 2 days in a row while was there with her...and actually stayed longer at her funeral than I did (free meal).

Here's what I did.

Ignore him. My eldest daughter ignored him too. She's my daughter...she's always conducts herself with dignity. I honestly barely noticed his presence.

When you're happy and satisfied with your own life...you can easily blow off obnoxious morons who are too ignorant and ill-mannered to know their place. You cannot teach metaphysics to a cockroach...and you can't teach a ill-bred dipshit how to act like a human being.

Its also an excellent opportunity for you to instruct your children on detachment...how not to engage morons at their moronic level...and how to use their own voice to explain the "rules of engagement" to their dad.

Take a deep breath, learn the art of detachment and conduct yourself with dignity...teach your children to do the same. Trust me, in doing so, the only person who's in jeopardy of losing a relationship with the children is their father. Let him and his drama-laden gf cook their own goose.

They're beneath you...and noticing them validates them. Hold your head high and do not engage idiots...you're worth more than that. Controlling your emotions and learning self-control is an art form.

[mom2three]

No.


You cannot teach metaphysics to a cockroach...and you can't teach a ill-bred dipshit how to act like a human being.

When you come to realize THAT then you will find things flow much more smoothly.

(that is such an awesome take on it BTW happiness)

[Betsy]

thanks. ..my 18 daughter says they are just flies on the wall to her now (we are both in therapy from his emotional abuse). I dont speak to my ex but his emails and voice at the door cause me to have nightmares etc. The ex and gf are bullies and yes you are both right it gets under my skin (as stress rather than anger)

Maybe I need to be outside when they arrive and stand my ground more (as a quiet prescence)

[DowntroddenDad]

I had the reverse sitaution happen with me once.

I went to pick up my kids at their apartment building, to go for a hike. My GF was with me. I called up and the kids said they were coming down. The kids had met my GF and had asked if she could come with us on the hike.

My ex came down, having never met my GF. She walked right up to the van as the kids were getting in, and asked if she could speak to my GF in private, right now. My GF told her, "No I don't think that is appropriate". My ex then explained that she wanted to tell her, as a co-parent, about my son's earlier behaviour that day. Talk about humiliating for my son. I think my GF handled it very very well.

I don't think there is any need for you to be more than civil with your ex's GF, or your Ex for that matter. Getting upset shows them they have power over you emotionally. Don't give them that.

You have to let go of the anger about what they did. It is over and done, and given what you know now about him, I'm sure you wouldn't want him back in any circumstance. Stop calling him your husband, he doesn't have that privelege. As for facebook, you and your daughter can and should block anyone at the first sign of an issue. You can't be harassed more than once if you block anyone who harasses you.

Your daughter should retreat deep into the house when the knock comes, or your son should wait for a text or a call to go out to the driveway. You should show that you are emotionally unaffected by seeing him and her, even if you have to "fake it till you make it". If they get that message, they have no reason to continue.

[DowntroddenDad]

I am actually happy my ex started to see someone. It will make her focus on someone else. It should help make things more civil. I've noticed a difference, but perhaps its too early.

[OhMy]

When you're happy and satisfied with your own life...you can easily blow off obnoxious morons who are too ignorant and ill-mannered to know their place. You cannot teach metaphysics to a cockroach...and you can't teach a ill-bred dipshit how to act like a human being.

LOL

Well said Pursuing.

[OhMy]

thanks. ..my 18 daughter says they are just flies on the wall to her now (we are both in therapy from his emotional abuse). I dont speak to my ex but his emails and voice at the door cause me to have nightmares etc. The ex and gf are bullies and yes you are both right it gets under my skin (as stress rather than anger)

Maybe I need to be outside when they arrive and stand my ground more (as a quiet prescence)

Standing outside and asserting yourself may be the attention they are seeking...

[DowntroddenDad]

Yeah.....temp until they start to have a ding dong, then all that energy gets diversified back to you. I am sure there will be times where she just longs for you, and just feels the need to give you some..."just because you are alpha sierra sierra)

I know what you mean though

Ding dong?

Happily she doesn't "long" for me, except to be handy as a target for her frustration or anger, and that is dying down now that she is moving on.

[stripes]

As one of the earlier posters said, this is an opportunity to show your kids how real grown-ups handle awkward situations, with composure and the dignity that comes from knowing that you're not the one who's being inappropriate here. I work in the same building as my ex and unfortunately run across him in the halls reasonably often. I greet him with a smile and wave, even though I want to throw up. I get to demonstrate that I'm not intimidated (any more). (One trick, as weird as it sounds, that helped with me was imagining how Meryl Streep or Helen Mirren would play the scene, and then pretending I was them).

[hadenough]

Great responses. OhMy, Mom2three and PH nailed it. Your ex is a f*cking idiot and he found an equally idiotic bimbo new gf. Wave. Smile. Big exhale. She's with that loser now! You made a lucky escape and now have the gift of opportunity to never get stuck with a moron like him again. This is cause for celebration.

It's great that you have never responded to her. Don't. At all. And if she keeps it up, file a report as she is harassing you. Esp when you show countless emails/txts that you have NOT dignified with a response.

She's obviously very insecure and threatened by you. Laugh it off. She's got her "prize" - pity the fool.

[hadenough]

I don't think it's necessary or a good idea to be standing outside. He can send a text or email of when he's arriving. Have your son ready to go. My ex never once parked in the driveway or came to the door. On pick-up, my son or I looked outside (from the window) and saw he was there. My son went to his vehicle. On drop-off, son would get dropped off and ring the doorbell. Not once did I look at, see, or speak to the ex.

[Betsy]

I only wish that my ex kept that distance, he does txt to say he has arrived but he also comes to the door and into the foyer. I have been 'hiding' out deep inside the house with my daughter and it just feels threatening to me. I think given their characters they want me to feel intimidated so I sell the house. As difficult as its going to be facing them calmly (Helen Mirren playing a UN peacekeeper) it may be the way to go.

Ugh.

[arabian]

I totally empathize with you. Having to deal with one's ex is bad enough. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be raising children and be in your situation.

Depending upon how bad the emails and harassment is I would seriously recommend:

1. Use that Family Wizard program that so many people have commented about on this forum. I understand it minimizes contact between parents and keeps things kid-focused.

2. Change your email address and under no circumstance text, email or call your ex.

3. Set your boundaries. You can get a peace bond keeping your ex and his g/f off your property or within a specified distance from you. If need be get a neutral drop off and pick up point for your children. IF you are having nightmares report this to your doctor and ensure everything is documented one way or another. YOUR EX SHOULD NEVER PUT HIS FOOT INSIDE YOUR HOUSE.

4. Explain concept of personal boundaries to your children, even if they are young adults. I had to do this and it helped my son.

I have told my ex repeatedly, in writing and face-to-face, that if he wants to have a relationship with his adult son I STRONGLY RECOMMENDED that he did it one-on-one without involving the g/f. You've said it yourself that your one son wants nothing to do with their father. I wouldn't be surprised if the other children follow suit.

Finally, be relieved that you are not with this man anymore. If the woman your ex with had an ounce of sense she would back off and not involve herself with your ex's issues - so you can see that she isn't very bright.

I don't know about anyone else but the last thing I would ever do is get involved with someone who has an ongoing, unresolved divorce/issue with an ex wife. What is with these people anyway? Desperate I guess.