Documenting inappropriate comments to child, from other parent

[dad2bandm]

This is related to D4.

As of late, she seems to be asking about her "homes". Mom and I share joint custody.

This first came up from her when I had picked her up for a weekend with her and she got quiet and then got upset.
I had to pull over to ask her what was wrong.

She mentioned people are telling her she only has 1 home. Daddy's home is not her home.
I am "Dad".

I didn't ask her who would say that, but simply said "I don't know why they would say that, because you have 1 home with Mommy and you have another home when you see Daddy.

That's when the "But Mommy says I don't" came out.

Knowing not to paint the other parent in a bad way, I just say "I don't think you understood Mommy right"...then she said Mommy's bf also says this.

Anyway, I just told her to count how many places she has a bed with her stuffiness, and she counted two. So I told her she has two homes then, and she's lucky as not all kids get to have 2 homes.

[dad2bandm]

So I did bring this up with Mom, in an email...
In a non-accusatory way...

[dad2bandm]

Tried phrasing it to just say that D4 seemed upset on weekend with me, and was upset about which home she has or only having 1 home.

Told Mom that I simply assured D4 she has two homes. 1 with Mommy, 1 with Daddy, and that seemed to help. Phrased it to Mom if D4 has had similar upsets over there and if so to let me know.

No response to that email, but... Mom left very hostile voicemail for me (separate thread about that) where she also made her thoughts known in message.
She is telling D4 she only has 1 home and that my house is not her home. Quotes like..."she has 1 home!" "I'm primary. My house is her home".
Etc.

[mom2three]

You are certainly dealing with a high conflict co-parent! While mine is not high conflict, he has been known to give false information to the children.

At first I didn't know how to deal with it and it was actually my lawyer who advised me that when it comes to factual information there is nothing wrong with contradicting the other parent.

Your child is confused and asking because she knows there is something wrong with that information she has heard. I honestly do not know the right way to frame this one, but if you ask her "Do you think you have two homes?" (to which she will reply yes) and then you say "I think so too".

Then leave it at that.

There is a huge difference between calling the other parent a liar versus validating a fact. I think there is much to be said for being truthful to your child. She will thank you for it someday.

[dad2bandm]

So of course audio is kept of this, and is transcribed.
D4 has brought this up again tonight, likely because she was just with Mom again. I don't mention Mom, but just stress she has a home with both of us.

How does one document this in other ways? Likely she will respond with same crap in email.

[dad2bandm]

Yes, I can ignore it, but I think it's important to document this, given all the other issues.

HCP...sure doesn't mean happy, co-parent.

[mom2three]

Your ramping up the conflict each time to raise these issues with the other parent.

If you think it is pertinent to document it, then do so. But you are well aware that she is high conflict & you are well aware that the two of you cannot communicate, so why do you continue to do so? This is not one of those issues that needs to be raised with the other parent; it is a difference of 'opinion' really.

Each time you communicate this stuff to her, you are attempting to 'correct' her behaviour. You can't fix stupid. The only thing you can do is change YOUR behaviour: stop raising this crap with her.

[dad2bandm]

This is not one of those issues that needs to be raised with the other parent; it is a difference of 'opinion' really.

I'm not sure I'd view this as a difference of opinion...it's more an attempt at minimizing one parent, by the other. I understand she is not going to change, but if I need to address issues in court I think it would be wise to document this when Mom claims she should have sole custody, like she demanded last time.

I think this kind of documentation would stop that cold, and if anything equalising the time more so D4 has more time with the parent who doesn't do this.

[Links17]

The other parent is intentionally trying to minimize you and you try to politely point they are doing something inconsiderate. Its like somebody stabbing you and you responding "excuse me, please stop stabbing me, its bothering me". They know what they are doing and are doing it INTENTIONALLY.

Don't interact with the other parent, just tell the kid sometimes ppl see things differently - cup half full, cup half empty.

And yes note it down, 10 years from now you might be in court and all these things will show a pattern.

You show the truth, logic and love - eventually your kid will see who the other parent is and ditch them like so many other parents who get ditched by their kids once the kids realize what kind of nut that parent is.

[mom2three]

I'm not sure I'd view this as a difference of opinion...it's more an attempt at minimizing one parent, by the other. I understand she is not going to change, but if I need to address issues in court I think it would be wise to document this when Mom claims she should have sole custody, like she demanded last time.

I think this kind of documentation would stop that cold, and if anything equalising the time more so D4 has more time with the parent who doesn't do this.

I absolutely agree with you that things need to be documented. Document EACH AND EVERY TIME your daughter makes the comment, start a journal, SOMETHING!!! But not every situation needs to be sent to the ex.

I have to be completely honest with you, if I was judge I would have a hard time figuring out who is creating the conflict. YES, her making these comments to the child is irrational, immature, not in the best interests. But each time you engage, you enrage. How is that in the best interests of the child?

Certainly, some things need to be addressed with the ex. No doubt about it. But some things you need to deal with should only be dealt with between you and your daughter and you and your handy dandy notebook.

[arabian]

Each time you engage, you enrage.

This is a very true statement and many of us should remind ourselves of this before emailing with high conflict, whacky ex's.

[sjandme]

I have this problem with my stbx who is high conflict. He can spew out a lot of insults and accusations (emails). I can ignore most of it. However, there are some things I do respond to in a calm way.

The reason: I have a concern about letting things "slide". Sometimes this can be established as o.k. or true - from my stbx's perspective and possibly someone else's eventually.

There are children's books that address the two home situation. Here's one: http://www.amazon.ca/Two-Homes-Clair.../dp/0763619841.

I think it's appropriate to carefully, gently discuss this with your daughter - as you did. It probably is a good idea to be highly selective about what you bring to OP's attention.

[good_mom]

You took care of it with the person that counts D4.

Keep things positive for her and let this go. Support D4 by ending the conflict on this as your STBX is not looking out for D4 and keeps on upsetting her.
That should be the focus because this I'm sure is not the first time stuff like this has happen and won't be the last.

Give yourself and D4 some quiet quality time because you know that another wave of stupidity is most likely around the corner.

[stripes]

I think good_mom is right on this count. The person who counts here is your child, not your ex. You handled it well (asking her to figure out for herself if she has two homes - teaching her to rely on her own observations, even if it is different from what adults are trying to convince her of - a very important skill for kids in her situation!).

I've encountered this - the phrase I fall back on is "Hmm, I don't know why [kid's father] said that. Maybe he was having a bad day". It means I can express that I don't think what her father said was right, without having to talk negatively about him.

[sjandme]

Here's a link to some advice that might help: What to Tell the Kids About a High-Conflict Co-Parent

It is geared more to someone with older children. Still...

It echoes stripes' insight... about teaching your child how to respond to unhealthy behaviour. (I have a concern that either one of my children will choose a partner who exhibits some of my stbx's bad traits.)