Private custody evaluation: 2nd child/parent observation

[kidsRworthit]

Disclosure meeting update - recommendations not in line with findings

After 3 months of private custody evaluator intervention, had 3 hr. disclosure meeting today. WOW - felt great after 2 1/2 hours, with positive parenting findings about myself, and quite the contrary (gatekeeping) about ex. In the end however, the recommendations ran opposite what the findings revealed.

s9 hasn't joined his sister in visiting myself on EOW schedule since mid Dec. Many, many inappropriate angry adult comments observed by evaluator coming from s9 mouth while observed at dad's house. bf of ex displayed aggressive and profane language as observed by 5 character references.

Biggest recommendation I fail to understand:
shared custody with reunification recommended for father and son - which mother should initiate ASAP or within 30 days, otherwise recommend follow 18 week graduated access schedule. (note: mother advised to pursue parental reunification counselling May 2 (given list) and May 23. Father went, however, mother claims s9 claims nothing has changed and sees no point in doing counselling.(child's words?) s9 has NOT joined his sister in going to father's for over 5 months already, then this cozy recommendation which ex will inevitably discount.

Don't feel this action is truly in the children's best interest at all.
Many recommendations ran counter to over 2 hours of revealed (in detail) findings.

[wretchedotis]

wow. original op must be called 'spock' by his/her cllosest friends.

OP:
Know this: sometimes what s best for either (or both, or singular) parent is ALSO whats best for child. Simply because it is what's best for said parent.

You don't have to like it. But there it is.

[arabian]

bthom - good for you for moving the matter from the ice rink and hopefully into the court to be dealt with!! In doing this you are also keeping the parenting decisions between adults and minimizing your child's involvement.

[kidsRworthit]

I appreciate all of the insight. I am analytical, and like to hear perspective, apply it to my situation: with the children's best interests as the basis.
It's natural that we disagree and we often don't have the entire picture. This is why I try not to judge others, and am defensive when I am judged.

Been busy spending quality parenting time with my daughter on my parenting week, engaging in parenting counselling, and supporting our two children at their chidren counselling. Just now had a chance to catch up on this post.

mom2three - I am very impressed with your perception of the key issues surrounding my situation, and applaud your many comments in my support! I commend you for being hockey troop transport as it was you who elected to move; and bet you couldn't see the end of hockey season/taxi season soon enough

Sharing another valuable nugget provided from a respected forum member:

It isn't about hockey, but the fact that mom is using hockey, something the child clearly enjoys, as a means to control or initiate a change in custody. A nine year old doesn't have the capacity to understand the total implications of agreeing to play hockey here or there, he just wants to play hockey and has no idea that choosing where to play will colour where he lives, how much he'll see dad etc. Mom is trying to force the kid to choose WHERE to play hockey as a means to shift the child to the community she decided to move to.
What's she's doing is wrong, and it isn't so trivial as 'hockey'.

__________________________________________________ _______

The custody evaluator has requested a second observation, between the children and father. I agreed to a date in two weeks, which will enable both our children to engage in two more counselling sessions. This private custody evaluator was agreed to, as a result that clinical issues are now present (son not joined sister in visiting father on the father's parenting week since before Christmas).

btw: I have always played well in the sandbox, and not once have been the instigator (family parenting status quo, nor ALL litigation). Taking responsibility for our actions is a resounding theme in life. I preach this to our children, and similarly believe that as a role model, I am equally accountable for all my actions. After repeated assurances that mom would drive the children to school and extracurricular events (specifically sports in existing community) resulting from her move; she emphatically stated that things change and we must change with them. ???

This could aptly be perceived as: although I chose to move and gave you assurances I would take care of the associated driving for our children, you have to change with my decision to move.

Our children didn't ask mom and dad to separate, nor did they ask one parent to move away. As responsible, mature parents, our job is to take responsibility for our actions and make this move the least disruptive for our children as they require stability and consistency in order to grow positively through the separation.

OhMy - Last fall, I recognized that the adult disagreement concerning a recreational activity should not embroil our child, so I told my ex I wanted to "disengage" and gas organized recreational hockey for our son altogether: to benefit our son and his sister. I sincerely wanted the truly amicable first year post separation parenting arrangement we had enjoyed. My words and actions were strongly met with my ex's push to promote recreational hockey for our son in her new community. This action does not appear in the children's best interests.

I have disengaged from spring summer hockey and recommended one summer activity for each of our children, as in the past 6 years. post to follow

[hadenough]

Did I miss something? Knickers? Monkey's getting bathed? Did someone mention the IKEA monkey?

[arabian]

whatever you think mom2three... You are certainly entitled to your opinion as I am entitled to my opinion.

I have no problem being judged or I wouldn't have gone to court the past 7 times. I actually enjoy being judged, but by experts not people holding unfounded grudges. Big difference.

Lets let this drop as I'm sure the other posters are yawning right about now. You and I disagree. Lets leave it at that why don't we?

[mom2three]

News flash for you - I don't need to establish entitlement - that was done several years ago at the time of my divorce. I have been in front of 6 judges since that time when my ex took me to court, unsuccessfully, to have SS overturned. My entitlement has been endorsed now by a total of 7 judges.

You may not agree with my opinion on this particular thread. Some people think it's all about the winning of an argument that counts. I simply do not and agree with OhMy's post.

It was in reference to times where people get pissy about paying spousal and you have indicated your entitlement and why (cause the bugger screwed you). You get defensive. So here in this post you get pissy with the father and call him a high conflict parent. Once again, you are quick to judge, but don't like being judged.

[arabian]

Arabian:

It's so interesting how you are quick to judge this man but get defensive when people react to your spousal support issues. You don't want them to judge you, which is evident by the facts you bring forth to establish your entitlement.

News flash for you - I don't need to establish entitlement - that was done several years ago at the time of my divorce. I have been in front of 6 judges since that time when my ex took me to court, unsuccessfully, to have SS overturned. My entitlement has been endorsed now by a total of 7 judges.

You may not agree with my opinion on this particular thread. Some people think it's all about the winning of an argument that counts. I simply do not and agree with OhMy's post.

[mom2three]

Mom2three: What the fuck does my spousal entitlement have to do with anything we are discussing here? Why the personal attack on me? Totally uncalled for.

OhMy - you put it perfectly but watch out, Mom2three might unleash some venom about your personal situation if you don't agree with her. Yikes watch out - she has the puck!!! LOL

Go back and read it again. It was not a personal attack.

I have no intention of unleashing venom on anyone. You have accused a man of being a high conflict parent and you get offended about me personally attacking you?

I have no issues with you having spousal support. That is between you, your ex and the courts. If you read it again, I noted how you get defensive when others bring up their distaste for it. Same goes for bthom. You don't want to be judged, so don't judge another.

[arabian]

Mom2three: What the fuck does my spousal entitlement have to do with anything we are discussing here? Why the personal attack on me? Totally uncalled for.

OhMy - you put it perfectly but watch out, Mom2three might unleash some venom about your personal situation if you don't agree with her. Yikes watch out - she has the puck!!! LOL

[mom2three]

IMHO this whole situation is sad. Regardless of who is right or who is wrong this young boy is being pulled between parents he loves.

With past posts he is being 'pulled' harder by his mother due to the antics, however dad is also pulling back.

I forecast that the outcome will be a diminished relationship with one or possibly both parents.

Sad sad sad. I guess the fight as to who will win wont matter as in the end both will lose due to the long term damage to the child because of the conflict over a sport.

Sometimes backing down and disengaging from a fight is the appropriate thing. It may not be in this case as all sides are not known. Regardless this child is paying the price.

You are so right OhMy. But the saddest part is that it continues to drag on because our courts are backed up etc.

I remember thinking at Xmas time when the Toronto lawyer could get some court time to have her damn monkey back, "FFS, she is allocated court time but there are parent out there stuck in the backlog who can't see their kids" Made we want to throw up.

[OhMy]

IMHO this whole situation is sad. Regardless of who is right or who is wrong this young boy is being pulled between parents he loves.

With past posts he is being 'pulled' harder by his mother due to the antics, however dad is also pulling back.

I forecast that the outcome will be a diminished relationship with one or possibly both parents.

Sad sad sad. I guess the fight as to who will win wont matter as in the end both will lose due to the long term damage to the child because of the conflict over a sport.

Sometimes backing down and disengaging from a fight is the appropriate thing. It may not be in this case as all sides are not known. Regardless this child is paying the price.

[mom2three]

Arabian:

Hockey was the straw that broke the camels back, but it is a red herring that you have fallen for. It's about a parent wanting to control and is using a child to effect that control. So yes, that is child abuse.

It does take two to tangle and engage; does that apply to you also? It's so interesting how you are quick to judge this man but get defensive when people react to your spousal support issues. You don't want them to judge you, which is evident by the facts you bring forth to establish your entitlement.

So instead of judging and branding this man a high conflict parent, why don't you take a phrase of your own writing "people need to stand up for themselves" and put it into context with this man? He has come here to learn how he can stand up for himself AND his children. It's not like parents are given the 'how to survive parenthood, especially during divorce' handbook in the maternity ward.

You are correct that we don't have both sides of the story, but the hockey one is very factual (and provable), which leads me to side with him at the moment.

[arabian]

From what I can surmise the whole situation is awash in allegations coming from both parents (mother wanted custody because father was unfit, couldn't help with french) and father felt children were "exposed to/experiencing mental abuse." Of course we only hear one side of the story and it is not pretty. The whole thing seems to be centered around hockey. These people only live 30 minutes apart.

It is quite apparent that these are both high conflict parents. It takes two to tangle and engage.

I don't know didly squat about hockey, nor do I have any desire to, but it seems that it is the common denominator for dispute. If I was a judge I'd order the kid kept out of hockey for a season, or until such time as the parents can provide a parenting plan that effectively addresses having both parents equally and harmoniously involved in the sport with the child.

Maybe there is a full-time year round hockey school the kid can get enrolled in. Someones going to get hurt if this battle continues on like it has in the past.

[mom2three]

mom2three you obviously have approached your children's love for hockey in a sensible manner. I agree with most of what you talk about. Positive role models are very important in child's development.

In the case of this particular poster it is much different than your situation. There is a history here of police being called to family home; plenty of time in court; plenty of time disputing league hockey registration regulations. And yes mother's b/f "played minor league hockey."

Do take the time to read each and every post and you will understand what I perceive to be the real issue. If it purely was a matter of access rights then the judge would have likely ruled on it accordingly.

Doesn't make sense that the mother can be in violation of specified access and not be held accountable.

I guess this is what happens when you let kids decide things.

I have read it. What I haven't read is 'plenty of time in court'. I do believe that the ex attempted to get an emergency motion respecting the hockey but that was not addressed and a motion was to be heard on March 7th.

A custody evaluator was either agreed to or order (though I believe they only had a case conference so it must have been on agreement). And that is where it stands.

Correct me if I am wrong, but I get the impression from you that you believe the 'hockey' matter was decided by the courts and bthom continues to fight despite that. If you can point me to the place where he indicates he lost on a motion for any of this stuff, please do so. (I was baffled the other day when someone could post something another poster stated and yet I cannot read that post - like it appeared into thin air - so maybe I don't have access to a post???)

And actually, I don't think my situation is much different than his situation; in fact it is eerily familiar. Mom has custody, Mom moved far away (very long story, but move was consentual), and Mom supports hockey. Mind you yesterday was the last day on the ice and I happily gave the rink the finger lol!