Communication Frustrations

[Pursuinghappiness]

Just looking for a little advice from people who've dealt longterm with communication issues in co-parenting.

My ex is basically getting petulant because he hasn't been as successful as he wanted in family court.

As a result, I'm having some issues with regard to communication over parenting. (And believe me, I keep any communication to a bare minimum, email only, level).

However, some examples are:

1. Disagreement over which future HSchool D13 was going to attend. She's a star student and wants to go to the same school that the majority of her very close friends are...makes sense since its french imm, close to home (bus route), same public school board that she's been attending and recommended by her current teacher who was a student there.
Ex wants her to go to a catholic HS, further away, no friends there, etc. D13 rarely gets upset about anything..very happy kid...but actually started crying over the incident.
Anyway, I did some research...checked the school ratings, talked to parents and teachers, etc...and gave my recommendation to Ex...No response. D13 was supposed to have form in for registration to lock-in her class schedule the middle of last month. He will not answer back.

2. He keeps leaving D13 either alone at his house when he goes to work and she has a school day off (6am - 5pm) or he's letting her babysit an 11 year old niece over at their house all day. Daughter has zero babysitting experience and is not supposed to be alone all day per the interim court order (especially not babysitting another kid).

3. He takes business trips and leaves her with me. This is fine with me, no problem but he then wants make-up days which are highly unreliable. Today for instance, he just didn't show up to pick her up because he said that in my last email (where I explained to him dropping her off or leaving her alone while he works is not acceptable) "I got fussy" so he didn't bother to tell me he wasn't coming to get her. She woke up very early to get her bag packed up and then couldn't get back to sleep. I had to arrange babysitting so that I could make it to work.

I'm considering my options here as we're still working to an interim order. I had planned to finalize things with the custody/access agreement pending the final stages of our divorce, however, he's been stalling disclosure for 18 months so I'm now considering trying to have the interim order amended to deal with this stuff.

He has no phone number for my daughter to use. He bought a 4 bedroom house but is too cheap to get a house phone for my kid to use. So I bought her a tablet to communicate with her while she's there...but its been difficult.

Obviously, there are always going to be issues to be worked through. But his complete lack of response in communication is making co-parenting extremely challenging.

Any advice from seasoned posters would be welcomed. Thank you!

[hadenough]

Hi PH:

The HS issue - seriously? Is this something that requires his approval? It's a no-brainer! Is he going to try and force his decision on her choice for College/University too?

As for the rest of it.. It's exasparating. It really does make me feel fortunate that my ex is for all intents and purposes, "out of the picture."

I don't know how the hell you've managed to deal with all of what's gone on, and for the amount of time. Anyway, ^ not overly helpful.. You have my sympathy..

[Nadia]

1. In respect to the high school issue, I would simply re-send him the information based on your research, but this time put a deadline for a response. In other words, state that "having received no response you are again sharing this information" regardng the high school your daughter would like to attend and that unless you hear from him otherwise by such and such a date you will assume he has no objection.

2. In respect to leaving the child alone for long periods of time and having her babysit a younger child, this is a little bit more complex. It kind of falls under the premise of what he does with the child in his own time is his business. But I also understand your concern about the child being left alone for such long periods of time. How often is this happening? On PA days only?

3. If "he" cancels his access time, he should not expect you to provide make up. You may choose to provide him make up time but that should be not expected. Try and get any make-up time that he has agreed to in writing and then when he fails to turn up, send him a quick email asking him "if he is ok" because you were expecting him and he never turned up.

Keep a record of when he has cancelled and when he has failed to turn up for make up. If it happens repeatedly, you could state that "given that there have been more then one occasion where he has agreed to pick up and then not turned up, it is perfectly reasonable to "ask him to confirm" the night before, so that you can make alternative arrangements in case he is not coming.

[Rioe]

1. Disagreement over which future HSchool D13 was going to attend. She's a star student and wants to go to the same school that the majority of her very close friends are...makes sense since its french imm, close to home (bus route), same public school board that she's been attending and recommended by her current teacher who was a student there.
Ex wants her to go to a catholic HS, further away, no friends there, etc. D13 rarely gets upset about anything..very happy kid...but actually started crying over the incident.
Anyway, I did some research...checked the school ratings, talked to parents and teachers, etc...and gave my recommendation to Ex...No response. D13 was supposed to have form in for registration to lock-in her class schedule the middle of last month. He will not answer back.

Dear Ex:

As the deadline for daughter's high school registration has come and gone, and I did not hear back from you about it, I have taken the liberty of registering her in the secondary school her current elementary school feeds to. As I mentioned, this is the school her friends will be attending and the one her teacher has recommended.

That way, this is the status quo he has to prove to a court should be overcome if he wants to fight you on it. By not responding, his inaction will be his undoing.

I wish advice for the other situations was as straightforward.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Thank you for the very good advice.

I've actually gone ahead and filled out the forms for HS and just am paying the activity fee myself. Since D13 is concerned about not having classes available due to being so late and since its a senseless argument that he won't win anyway. The bus comes to my home so I have to fill the forms out anyway. I actually went to drop the package off yesterday but its March break so the school was closed. I plan to drop it off first thing Monday morning.

I plan to use your suggestions per a follow-up email if he questions my actions. He's well aware that the HS registration was due and purposely didn't answer...as is his methodology. I seek to minimize communication so I'm not going to send him anything further on the issue unless its completely necessary.

As for the rest of it, I took a few minutes to consider things that I could modify in my own behavior to make things less disruptive and came up with a couple things.

1) I'm going to take a "tell" not "ask" methodology in communication.

Asking him anything...even when I'm helping him out...results in him believing that he can control, manipulate or cause havoc to whatever situation is happening. In fact, he will seek to do whatever causes me the most problems. So from now on...I will tell him what I'm going to do and not give options or ask permission. I don't require permission anyway.


2) Trust my own instincts on parental decisions.

99% of the time...I do a pretty good job of thinking through decisions, gathering and considering the data, talking to my kids, figuring out the associated risks, etc...without any participation from my ex. In fact, I never needed his help when we were married. He's the type of father who is dictatorial and will assert a decision because he feels its his job to make one...whether its well-informed or not and gets very angry when he's not obeyed. Almost every major life decision (including the need to divorce) was made by me. I would always do it in a way that gave him the illusion he had input...but in reality, I was making the decisions.


Basically, old habits take time to break. I'm guilty of repeating pre-divorce behavior patterns. And I need to modify what I'm doing to make it crystal clear that the old rules don't apply anymore. If he is not going to participate, then his participation isn't required. I don't need to be "nice" to him...it serves no purpose and is counterproductive. I need to be nice to my children and myself.

On a funny note, every time he comes to pick up our kid...he jams on my doorbell. He'll ring it like 5-6 times in a row...if kid isn't out soon enough, he'll do it again. I own a small house and the pick-up time is well established, so its completely unnecessary and he's going to break my doorbell. I'm actually considering sticking a thumbtack in there or doing some creative re-wiring...LOL.

[stripes]

I've gone into "tell, not ask" mode too, for the same reasons you mention. I try to frame things in a four-step way:

1. Here is the decision that needs to be made.
2. Here is my proposed plan of action.
3. Inquiring if he would like to propose an alternate plan.
4. Assuming that if no alternate plan has been proposed by a specified date, he is tacitly agreeing with my plan.

I had to do this yesterday with respect to one night on my parenting time when I have to be out of town on business. Per the "friendly parent" principle, I need to offer the night to him before making arrangements for my daughter to stay with a friend.

1. I will be attending a workshop in xxx from April x to x. According to my calendar, this falls during your parenting time. My flight leaves on April x, a night when daughter is scheduled to be with me. I need to arrange care for her for that night.
2. Two friends have offered to take her for that night.
3. If you would prefer to take her for that night or if you would like to propose an alternate plan, please let me know.
4. I would appreciate hearing from you by Thursday. If I don't hear from you, I will assume that our daughter will stay with friends and I'll go ahead and confirm these arrangements with them on Thursday evening.

I'm also dealing with pre-divorce hangover, when asking ex what he wanted to do inevitably led to long, drawn-out stalling and going back and forth with me left hanging indefinitely waiting for him to make up his mind. I've found the key is to set up my own plan (but be genuinely willing to be flexible about it if ex has a good alternate plan), and to be very specific about dates and times (give ex a reasonable amount of time to think about it, no last-minute announcements, but also be precise about your own time markers, i.e. I will take such-and-such a step at such-and-such a time unless I hear from you).

Good luck - I know how difficult it is to break old patterns!

[sjandme]

Are you saying that your daughter is left alone without access to a telephone?

No access to a phone seems wrong ... if that's the case.

If there was ever an emergency... would a tablet be enough?

(My kids recently completed a Home Alone workshop.... that's why this question comes to my mind.)

****
I take pains to keep my stbx informed about our kids. However, I avoid consulting him whenever possible. I thereby avoid a lot of stress.

[wretchedotis]

Home Alone: When is it OK to Leave Kids Alone? | Today's Parent

[sjandme]

That Today's Parent article is a good resource.

I was surprised a couple of years ago to learn that there was no clear cut law on this.

Here's another relevant resource from the Children's Aid Society of Toronto: http://www.torontocas.ca/wp-content/...loneforweb.pdf

I am on call and sometimes cannot be at home when my kids return from school. Hence the workshop. You cannot enroll a kid in "Home Alone" until they are 9 (City of Ottawa). They have been alone no more than an hour so far.

I won't consider evening work (outside the home) until my youngest is at least 12 or 13.

I hope going off on this related tangent (see OP) will be helpful for someone.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Are you saying that your daughter is left alone without access to a telephone?

No access to a phone seems wrong ... if that's the case.

If there was ever an emergency... would a tablet be enough?

Yes, that's what I'm saying. I actually ended up making a special appointment with our custody evaluator after moving out of our marital home to discuss the issue and he, of course, recommended that our daughter was given a cell phone. However, because we are still operating on an interim order...my ex ignored it and the custody recommendations still to-date have not been implemented.

I've sent a note to my ex about buying a cell phone and picking up his share of the proportional cost but he refuses. I may end up just paying for it myself but the issue is that I have both a home phone and my cell phone for my daughter's use when she's in my care. So I'd be paying to fix his irresponsibility. Obviously, this is a safety issue, so if it doesn't get resolved soon...I will have to buy the phone myself.

I think to take care of these issues and some of the others I'm probably going to have to file a motion to amend the interim order because I was hoping to have been at the SC point by now but my ex is majorly stalling.

As for him leaving her alone in the house...I am unaware as to how many times its happened. I don't interrogate my daughter about what happens in her father's care. I just know from things she's said on her own accord that it has happened...as well as her babysitting the other kid.

The issue is that during our custody review, this was discussed and our (not yet implemented) parenting plan specifically states that D13 is not to be left alone for more than an hour or two. Also our court order explicitly states a babysitter because my ex was trying leave the child in his home back when she was barely 12 for hours in the day when I was available in the mornings to put her on the bus that comes to my house and is on his way to work.

Basically, he just ignores the court order. I haven't made a big deal out of it because our child is now 13 and a bit more responsible but leaving her alone from 6am to 5pm is excessive and unnecessary.

There's basically a bunch of issues that are pushing me into thinking that I need to file a motion to amend the interim order since there's no end in sight. And since I'm probably going to do it...I'm going to ask for a "right of first refusal" clause and a stipulation that "make-up" days are at my discretion...because he cannot manage the access arrangement at all.

I'm planning to call my lawyer today.