Got shared parenting, my daughters mum is just evil, guys how do you handle this?

[dadthatshadenough]

Its been a while, and I still owe an explaination on how I got shared custody from my Ex after being stuck in the matrimonial home for over a year.

The distilled story is, stay in the house, get a good lawyer and make concessions so she feels like she is winning. (for example, i sold my interest in the house to her for 20% less than market value). But do not yeild on shared parenting, you will get it if you really want to be a part of your kids life.

Moving on...My ex is still VERY bitter that I divorced her. She is 37, I am 39, and we have a daughter that is nearly 4. Its been 1 1/2 years since we seperated, and 60 days since I moved out. It doesnt help that she hasnt found anyone to date, and I have no trouble. She is also clearing stalking me as she knows when people are at my house, and asks who they are etc... to which I mostly tell her its none of her business.

She has told me that "hate" is too kind a word to discribe how much she doesnt like me. She is a lawyer, and very spiteful at this time. There is launguage in our seperation agreement the states that she will not harass or speak ill of me...Its getting out of hand and I can see its effecting our daugther. But when I raise this, she doesnt seem to care. Its all about control for her and just letting me know how much she hates me for leaving her...

Notwithstanding her abusive and demeaning tone and the way she is so disrespectful towards me, even during skype calls or the odd face to face encounters. She does everything she possibly can to try and piss me off, and grind my gears... for example:

• last night, she dropped off my our daughters birth certificate and was flipping me the middle finger with an evil face while hugging our daughter (she didnt see it) because I asked her if everything was completed okay.
• She resisted leaving my house after I asked her to do so, standing there hugging my daughter enven longer getting in my face and being confrontational.
• Being unreasonable in tasks (IE getting me docs to renew our daughters passport took forever)

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn is too nice of a phase to discribe how pissed off she is at me.

Is this just something that will pass with time, or has anyone else got any suggestions on how to deal with this nonsense?

[HammerDad]

Don't speak to her when she drops off the kid. Focus on the kid. If you have a question, send it via email in a business like manner. Be sure the question relates to the kids.

Should she ask you about your life, dont respond. Be civil about, state something like "I'd rather not discuss this" instead of "it's none of your business".

Don't engage in the nuttiness. Focus on the kid and go from there.

It may pass in time or it may not. Either way, who cares? You're not with her so you don't need to entertain her nuttiness or care how she feels about you.

[NBDad]

It may never truly pass, but you will either learn to ignore the petty BS, OR she'll get tired of it.

Going on 4 years now myself, and my ex still tries to start crazy now and again.

If face to face is too high conflict, then maybe look into a third party transportation company to do the pick ups and drop offs. At least when the kidlet starts school, you could arrange it around the school schedule and never have to see her face to face.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Dad:

I had some similar experiences and I think it probably will get better.

If you've only been out of the house for 60-days after a long in-home separation, I'd wait it out a bit.

I agree with what Hammerdad said...ignore it and do your best to eliminate as much verbal communication as you can. You cannot control her behavior but you need to really work on controlling yours.

For instance:

last night, she dropped off my our daughters birth certificate and was flipping me the middle finger with an evil face while hugging our daughter (she didnt see it) because I asked her if everything was completed okay.

Seriously, who cares? As long as she can get a reaction out of you, she'll continue. Ignore her...ignore any questions that aren't pertinent to shared parenting your child. Eventually she'll get it through her head that you don't care and you're not going to react and she'll find something else to do with her time.

Work on neutrality no matter what she says or does. Always stay focused on your child...nothing else.

One thing I would do is keep notes in a journal on anything she does that is detrimental to shared parenting only. Date the entry: then write down the incident...just in case she escalates the legal conflict. Other than that...try waiting it out. Forget about her...work on you.

[wretchedotis]

Its been a while, and I still owe an explaination on how I got shared custody from my Ex after being stuck in the matrimonial home for over a year.

The distilled story is, stay in the house, get a good lawyer and make concessions so she feels like she is winning. (for example, i sold my interest in the house to her for 20% less than market value). But do not yeild on shared parenting, you will get it if you really want to be a part of your kids life.

Moving on...My ex is still VERY bitter that I divorced her. She is 37, I am 39, and we have a daughter that is nearly 4. Its been 1 1/2 years since we seperated, and 60 days since I moved out. It doesnt help that she hasnt found anyone to date, and I have no trouble. She is also clearing stalking me as she knows when people are at my house, and asks who they are etc... to which I mostly tell her its none of her business.

She has told me that "hate" is too kind a word to discribe how much she doesnt like me. She is a lawyer, and very spiteful at this time. There is launguage in our seperation agreement the states that she will not harass or speak ill of me...Its getting out of hand and I can see its effecting our daugther. But when I raise this, she doesnt seem to care. Its all about control for her and just letting me know how much she hates me for leaving her...

Notwithstanding her abusive and demeaning tone and the way she is so disrespectful towards me, even during skype calls or the odd face to face encounters. She does everything she possibly can to try and piss me off, and grind my gears... for example:

• last night, she dropped off my our daughters birth certificate and was flipping me the middle finger with an evil face while hugging our daughter (she didnt see it) because I asked her if everything was completed okay.
• She resisted leaving my house after I asked her to do so, standing there hugging my daughter enven longer getting in my face and being confrontational.
• Being unreasonable in tasks (IE getting me docs to renew our daughters passport took forever)

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn is too nice of a phase to discribe how pissed off she is at me.

Is this just something that will pass with time, or has anyone else got any suggestions on how to deal with this nonsense?

Okay.

Now re-read your post.

Act like a lawyer (or at least an un-interested 3rd party like me.) while you read it.

You still have some issues too. But by the sounds of it, hers are bigger.

Look, your feelings are hurt. Her feelings are REALLY hurt.

You can try not to make it better, and not care.
Or you can try to make it worse, and not care.

You can even go with 'actually caring' to any permutation of the above.

Personally, if it were me - I would find it funny and laugh directly at her when she does such things. But that would fall into the 'make it worse' category. I mean admit it - wouldn't you just flat out laughing at her about her anger be hurtful?

Ignore it. No response whatsoever.

EMOTIONAL TEFLON.

[hadenough]

Ditto on what PH and WO said.

Some people never grow up. Disengage.
I'm not saying everybody should adopt my take on things, but I don't talk to my ex at all. Ever.

Your child is still quite young and that presents more of a challenge re: not talking. Look into implementing Tools to simplify shared child custody. - Our Family Wizard - child custody, parenting time

The wizard wouldn't have helped me, but it seems to work for many.

Glad you made it out of your situation. I recall your story.

[wretchedotis]

Its been a while, and I still owe an explaination on how I got shared custody from my Ex after being stuck in the matrimonial home for over a year.

The distilled story is, stay in the house, get a good lawyer and make concessions so she feels like she is winning. (for example, i sold my interest in the house to her for 20% less than market value). But do not yeild on shared parenting, you will get it if you really want to be a part of your kids life.

Moving on...My ex is still VERY bitter that I divorced her. She is 37, I am 39, and we have a daughter that is nearly 4. Its been 1 1/2 years since we seperated, and 60 days since I moved out. It doesnt help that she hasnt found anyone to date, and I have no trouble. She is also clearing stalking me as she knows when people are at my house, and asks who they are etc... to which I mostly tell her its none of her business.

She has told me that "hate" is too kind a word to discribe how much she doesnt like me. She is a lawyer, and very spiteful at this time. There is launguage in our seperation agreement the states that she will not harass or speak ill of me...Its getting out of hand and I can see its effecting our daugther. But when I raise this, she doesnt seem to care. Its all about control for her and just letting me know how much she hates me for leaving her...

Notwithstanding her abusive and demeaning tone and the way she is so disrespectful towards me, even during skype calls or the odd face to face encounters. She does everything she possibly can to try and piss me off, and grind my gears... for example:

• last night, she dropped off my our daughters birth certificate and was flipping me the middle finger with an evil face while hugging our daughter (she didnt see it) because I asked her if everything was completed okay.
• She resisted leaving my house after I asked her to do so, standing there hugging my daughter enven longer getting in my face and being confrontational.
• Being unreasonable in tasks (IE getting me docs to renew our daughters passport took forever)

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn is too nice of a phase to discribe how pissed off she is at me.

Is this just something that will pass with time, or has anyone else got any suggestions on how to deal with this nonsense?

This post can be read as to how playing 'nice' to the point of bribery (20% loss of value on the house) may result in a more favourable outcome when it comes to the issue of Custody.

I fear this idea is too valid to ignore.

Whats more important? Money, or custody?

Maybe it's not 'fair', but if it was the difference - I would pony the money up too.

[dadthatshadenough]

Thanks everyone, thats been very helpful to hear other peoples experiences.

FYI I met a monk the other day and had a big take away..

70% of what they do is train their mind, and a HUGE part of it is awareness.

He said something very powerful: "Where awareness goes, energy flows"

[Pursuinghappiness]

I'm not saying everybody should adopt my take on things, but I don't talk to my ex at all. Ever.

I can say that I don't verbally speak to my ex at all and we have shared parenting.

I haven't found anything yet that I can't deal with by email.

He learned very early on not to bother sending me anything through email that isn't related to children because no matter how inflammatory it was..it was ignored.

As was all his other behavior....following me, driving my family's homes, telling everyone he could (and I mean everyone) slanderous tales about me and our marriage, sending letters from his lawyer about not having our children around my multiple bf's, etc, etc... I ignored all of it...responded to nothing personally or legally that wasn't relevant to my being successsful in obtaining a divorce decree.

I can honestly tell you that the only thing that I get frustrated at these days is the time and expense that its taking me to get divorced but it will happen eventually regardless. I feel nothing but indifference towards my ex...he tries really hard to make me angry.

My suggestion is to get a confidante to vent to until you can learn to control your reactions. When she gets you angry...be completely calm, ignore her, do NOT react...then go vent to someone else.

In the words of Dr. Phil...."you have to fake it until you make it"...it takes practice. Think about it, she's had a long history of learning how to piss you off...and now she has a lot more material to use....so its really up to you to change here.

[Pursuinghappiness]

It will seem when the idea to go separate ways comes from the male, the other party don't seem to take it well

Please spare us the gender bashing. I'm female and was the instigator in my particular case and have had to deal with a lot of similar nonsense. Although I'm female, I can assure you that I'm extremely level-headed, reasonable, rational and have tried to be fair.

Regardless of gender, I can tell you that when one person wants a divorce and the other party is resisting it strongly, you're probably going to be dealing with drama.

[Pursuinghappiness]

No gender bias....put it all into percentages and see which one comes out higher. Obviously you aren't saying it's on an equal playing field?

You have statistical data on whether women or men are crazier in divorce?

lol Oink, I caution you about going down this road on this forum. But it will be illuminating should you just decide to do it anyway.

[Rioe]

It will seem when the idea to go separate ways comes from the male, the other party don't seem to take it well

When the idea comes from the female, it's more often followed up by a murder-suicide. Would you call that taking it well?

Gender doesn't matter here. The issue is that one person initiated the separation, and had a lot of time to think about it prior to doing so to get used to the idea, whereas the other person is blindsided. And yes, angry that their vision of the future course of their life has suddenly and completely collapsed.

In the case of the original poster, your ex has only had a few months of the new arrangement of being in separate homes. Sure, we could all hope she was getting used to things by now, but hopefully it will eventually come with time. She doesn't have the previous outlet of annoying you within the same home anymore, so she has to come up with new ways of reminding you how hurt and angry she feels.

Emotional teflon is right. Let it slide off, show no reaction, and try to make your child exchange arrangements involve a school or daycare switch so you don't have to interact.

What she needs is a new boyfriend to distract her, but as long as she's just the big ball of hate she is right now, nobody's going to find her remotely interesting. Don't tell her that, of course! Right now, harassing you is her hobby. Just stay neutral and don't react and it will become less and less rewarding for her.

As for her dragging out goodbyes, instead of asking her to leave, maybe you can tell your daughter "come on, let's go do X now that you're here," and she can extricate herself from the hug.

[Abeona]

Best thing to do is have 3rd party transfer of the child and only communicate through email. At least that way you have a copy of what was said. If you have to see the mom, get a voice recorder if you don't have one, so you have proof that you're not doing anything wrong at exchanges, should she decide to accuse you of threats/harassment in the future.

It's an awful position to be in. My stomach used to be all knots at exchanges, wondering what craziness the kids were going to witness, and it feels pretty terrible to just stand there and take it so you don't escalate things even more, but without 3rd party exchanges, it seems to be the best the non-crazy parent can do.

I hope your ex moves on soon so you and your child can get some peace.

[caranna]

Please spare us the gender bashing. I'm female and was the instigator in my particular case and have had to deal with a lot of similar nonsense. Although I'm female, I can assure you that I'm extremely level-headed, reasonable, rational and have tried to be fair.

Regardless of gender, I can tell you that when one person wants a divorce and the other party is resisting it strongly, you're probably going to be dealing with drama.

My case exactly PH. I left the stbx and he has caused untold hours of drama and lies, (including character assassination). I've always taken the high road in all of this and have not lied nor created any further dramatics than have already been instigated by him.

Oink: I don't know where you got your "percentages" but I do know that divorce is filed by women about 80% of the time. Also, men fare much worse than women out of marriage than in it. Woman are much more likely to suffer in the marriage than men.

That's my rant and I will not argue about this. Just be calm oink and try to see the big picture in a clear way. It will be to your advantage to do so.

[Porthopeman]

Just my two cents worth of coarse, but here goes...

She is likely displaying some of the behaviours that set you on the path of separating/divorcing her in the first place. So again, separate your feelings - Emotional Teflon as it is referred to around here. You should be drawing strength from your decision, and not allowing her to make you feel as if you were wrong. Her behaviour is showing you that you were right, and justified in your taking these steps.