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  • Parent refusing to pick up medication

    Our daughter is on regular asthma medication which she needs to take as a preventative measure. Her asthma flare ups are pretty bad and prior to being on this medication she has had two hospital stays (one over a week long).

    Regretably, I left her asthma medication at home yesterday by mistake. It took me over two hours to drive the children to the other parents house. So it was not really feesable to drive back in time for her to take her medication before she went to bed.

    However, given that we only saw the pediatrician the other day I had a new prescription for asthma medication. Thinking that the other parent would have no issue with simply picking up the medication from the local drug store, this prescription was left with him.

    This morning I received a text from the other parent informing me "that I should stop playing games," that he had no intention of picking up the medication from his local drug store and that I should drive over his residence to drop off the asthma medication. Obviously she did not get any medication last night.

    The children are on his health plan, so any cost for this asthma medication would be covered.

    This is beyond frustrating but how does one respond to this. It is quite possible she will not get her medication this weekend and the prescription is returned with her on Monday.
    Last edited by Nadia; 12-08-2012, 01:23 PM.

  • #2
    You know the routine by now.

    You reply in a thoughtful, neutral manner by email so that you have evidence to support you if it comes to another ridiculous motion in court from him.

    You can't change him. You can't get a court order to require him to be sane. All you can do is care for the children the best you can, protect yourself from ridiculous accusations, and take care of your own needs.

    I hope you are going to a spa or for a massage from time to time. Don't let this wear you down. He will continue to drain your energy any way he can, you have to restore yourself. I have felt this myself, the relationship is not actually over. The attacks and the abuse don't end, so I have to build myself up whenever I have a chance. When the kids are adults, hopefully, finally, I can relax and never hear from her again. Until that time I have duty to my kids and duty to myself.

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    • #3
      Asthma is serious and can be life-threatening with children. My son had severe asthma when he was young and had to be hospitalized frequently. I totally understand your anxiety.

      Some drug stores offer delivery. You might want to check that out.

      Ex is a total ahole for sure. Document this. To put his child at risk to prove a point is insane. In my opinion this is a classic example of why your ex should not have the kids. It is imperative that those medications are taken in a timely manner so that the child doesn't end up at emerg.

      Don't beat yourself up. Not hard to forget somethings, particularly when you are rushing around trying to get kids organized, etc.

      It is very important that your child takes the medication even when not in an "active" state. I hope your ex has a peek-flow meter that she breathes into daily. That was a very important tool for indication of impending asthma attacks. There should be one at each home.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by Mess View Post
        You know the routine by now.

        You reply in a thoughtful, neutral manner by email so that you have evidence to support you if it comes to another ridiculous motion in court from him.

        You can't change him. You can't get a court order to require him to be sane. All you can do is care for the children the best you can, protect yourself from ridiculous accusations, and take care of your own needs.

        I hope you are going to a spa or for a massage from time to time. Don't let this wear you down. He will continue to drain your energy any way he can, you have to restore yourself. I have felt this myself, the relationship is not actually over. The attacks and the abuse don't end, so I have to build myself up whenever I have a chance. When the kids are adults, hopefully, finally, I can relax and never hear from her again. Until that time I have duty to my kids and duty to myself.

        I second this. Great post and insight Mess.

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        • #5
          Just got back home and picked up a message from him informing me that he will consider picking up the medication from the local drug store if I consider giving up custody to him. He rambles on about how the same applies to taking the kids to medical appointments. Until then, it is my responsibility as the custodial parent to provide him with the necessary medication.

          If he continues down this path, he is at risk at losing whatever parenting time he has. I will not compromise on the children's health just so that he can feel in control. He has been provided with a prescription. Given he lives with his parents its not like he would be dragging the kids out to the drug store. The medication is covered by his bloody health plan. Just plain insane.
          Last edited by Nadia; 12-08-2012, 06:11 PM.

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          • #6
            He'd endanger his kid's health to try to manipulate a change in the custody arrangements? I hope that was in an email!

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            • #7
              No, a voice mail which I have saved. Have no idea if I can ever use it. But it has just pissed me off even more. Honestly I really do not see anyone (including him) gaining anything by this behavior.

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              • #8
                I agree with the others Nadia. This is very serious. I really feel for you. I thought my situation was bad but when someone plays around with the health of children that is abhorrent. See if you can somehow have the phone message transcribed. Voice recognition software is readily available and it automatically converts messages into text and then it goes to your inbox. If you don't already utilize that I'd start doing it asap.

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                • #9
                  I spoke to a pharmacist who was able to provide some advice and information. The seriousness/impact of missing two days of asthma medication depends upon each child and to what extent they are exposed to the triggers. In our daughters case it is the cold weather, common cold, strong fumes, and increased level of activity. The whole point of administering the medication is to ensure she doesn't get ill in the first place.

                  Yes, I would have to agree with you both - Iceberg and Arabian. The man is insane and beyond unreasonable.

                  Thanks for the good advice Mess.

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                  • #10
                    Anyone who has gone through the emergency experience at the local hospital wouldn't do this. In my son's case all it took was any of the triggers, which you mentioned above, to bring on a severe asthma attack. The problem is that once one of the triggers sets off the attack it would take 7 - 10 days of hospitalization to bring him back to a functioning state. It was certainly a very tiring and scary things to go through. I recall my husband and I taking shifts to stay with him at the hospital. As my son grew older he became more self-monitoring and responsible to ensure he always had his meds with him. Eventually he didn't have to be on the steroids and life returned to normal. It was a very frightening time for all of us so I certainly understand your concern.

                    Hopefully the weather won't get too cold and your child doesn't come into contact with someone with a cold. Obviously your ex doesn't understand the seriousness and importance of preventative medication for asthmatics. Many people don't understand it. I know it took us quite a while to figure out what we were supposed to do and how to look for the warning signs. The biggest help to me was the peak-flow meter. Maybe your ex can at least get in the habit of having your child blow into it 2 x daily. It certainly took the guessing out of everything... when to take to hospital or not.

                    Good luck with that idiot. Totally empathize with you.

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                    • #11
                      Our daughter has also been hospitalized for over a week twice in the past 2 years. She has also been put on Predaped in addition to the asthma medication. I've lost count of the number of times I ended up in the ER with her.

                      But over the past 6-9 months, its not been too bad because she has been on the asthma medication. Managing asthma is really about educating yourself and watching out for the warning signs for any flare ups. We've been told that we have to get all over it with the asthma medication (increase dose and start using the ventilan) at the first sign of a cold, cough and not to wait when the flare up occurs. This is where prevention is the key.

                      I always say what goes around comes around. If he is not afraid of karma he should be.
                      Last edited by Nadia; 12-09-2012, 12:00 AM.

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                      • #12
                        Do they use those peak-flow meters? The one in the hospital is different but the one we had at home was just a long red and white tube that my son blew into. I recall, to this day, if he blew below 175 we immediately took him to the hospital. There was a normal range. He didn't mind blowing into it a we kind of made it a game.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Nadia View Post
                          No, a voice mail which I have saved. Have no idea if I can ever use it. But it has just pissed me off even more. Honestly I really do not see anyone (including him) gaining anything by this behavior.
                          The easiest way to get it into email is to reply to his voicemail by email:

                          Dear Dickhead,

                          Thank you for your voicemail letting me know you are willing to pick up medication for our children in exchange for a change in custody blah blah blah....

                          Love,

                          Supermom.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                            The easiest way to get it into email is to reply to his voicemail by email:

                            Dear Dickhead,

                            Thank you for your voicemail letting me know you are willing to pick up medication for our children in exchange for a change in custody blah blah blah....

                            Love,

                            Supermom.
                            I would further recommend you transcribe the entire voice message in the message. Don't summarize it. In fact, just transcribe it word-for-word.

                            The one thing highly conflicted people are unable to deal with is the truthfulness of their own words and conduct. Don't censor it but, don't attack it. Just quote it and leave it as a statement of transcribed fact.

                            It is amazing how people can not get to the business of parenting their children after separation and divorce and continue to try and re-live the failure of their adult relationship and seek "fault" with the other parent.

                            Common statements that you should watch for:

                            "my children"
                            "your decision"
                            "you did this"
                            "you are mentally unstable"
                            "you are the problem"
                            "because of what you are doing the kids can't do x"
                            "my children are in danger because you are mentally unstable/ill"

                            These individuals can't often see their own abusive conduct by making the allegations. Furthermore, they can't see that it doesn't solve problems and only creates more. They are often unable to resolve problems.

                            Common patterns to watch for is multiple residential moves, being fired for disagreements with their managers, multiple jobs and projections of blame that you some how are causing this to happen to them.

                            These statements over time, which are clear projections of blame, often when dealing with highly conflicted people turn into multi-page affidavits, contempt motions and often unfortunately, telephone calls to the police or CAS.

                            Highly conflicted people can't evaluate their own emotional state and often write incredibly histrionic statements of blame. They continually make you their lightning rod ("target of blame") for everything that they are not happy with in their life. Just as they do before the court, to anyone who will listen and often the police and CAS.

                            Self-realization to one's emotional state is one of the major lacking features of highly conflicted people. This may because they constantly live in a state of anxious fear that something bad is going to happen to them. That everything is "all your fault". They often will even try to project that you have some "magical" ability to control others not thinking about how their own conduct, statements and false allegations.

                            Many highly conflicted people want the court to "believe" them... To validate their "feelings". They fly into court on unsubstantiated allegations projecting blame with the "magical thinking" that the court will "believe" them and "see you how they see you in their paranoid/delusional way" and put all sorts of orders against you to "punish" you.

                            They don't realize they are walking into "family court" and not the "court of unsubstantiated allegations, distortion campaigns, emotional vitriol and shaming the other parent".

                            Often, for these highly conflicted litigants (and often their "negative advocate laywers") even after numerous judges tell them to stop they just don't. They continue down the path of "bad advice" and can't let go of their personal issues, refuse to seek the appropriate therapy and continue to hurl allegations like rocks.

                            What they often don't realize is that they are hurling rocks in a glass house and some (or a lot of) these rocks hit their children... They often have unrealistic expectation of their "dreams" and when their "dreams" don't come true they look to blame you - their target of blame - because they are unhappy.

                            Again, everyone has the opportunity to change... But, with the assistance of therapy and proper and qualified mental health clinicians can they achieve this...

                            Good Luck!
                            Tayken
                            Last edited by Tayken; 12-09-2012, 12:34 PM.

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                            • #15
                              Nadia, sorry you had to deal with this over the weekend, it must have been stressful. If the pharmacy delivers, I think that is a good solution.

                              Originally posted by Mess View Post
                              When the kids are adults, hopefully, finally, I can relax and never hear from her again. Until that time I have duty to my kids and duty to myself.
                              Sorry but hoping to finally relax and never hear from the ex again is not likely to happen.

                              I have young adult children and there are events that both of us need/should attend. University graduations, engagements, baptisms, etc.

                              When the ex tells the adult child that they refuse to attend because they will not 'sit in a room and breath the same air' as me (the other parent), they continue the stress.

                              Adult children are not immune to this. They are able to voice their feelings and tell the other parent that they won't participate, however the event becomes stressful as they wait to see how everyone is going to behave and interact with each other.

                              I work with someone who is well into their 30's and still dealing with parents who fight over who's turn it is to have the holiday dinner. His parents have been divorced for almost 20 years. Him and his siblings have told the parents 'enough', we have families of our own and both of you need to attend our family events and be civil. But there is still stress waiting to see if everyone will behave.
                              Last edited by frustratedwithex; 12-09-2012, 03:04 PM. Reason: copied this to post 'Christmas season schedules'

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