Ex has new bf, I don't approve

[goblue]

Ok, so I've been apart from my ex for around 4 years now, our son is 5 years old and we have shared custody. We've both seen other people in the past, and we've been pretty decent friends. I feel like I've helped her through a lot (including a recent jail stint) and supported monetarily far and above our agreement.

She told me last week that she was talking to/seeing someone new. I was pretty indifferent to it and didn't really talk much to her about it. A week later (as in yesterday) my son tells me the guy has slept over. I'm a little taken aback that she'd bring into the home so early in the relationship, althought it doesn't surpise me based on her decision making. I knew this day would come, and although I had strong feelings against this I knew it would be futile to bring it up and argue with her about it.

I just asked to find out who it was so I atleast know who my son is hanging around with. Well.. apparently I know the guy from growing up. He was just a guy that was really odd but in a really odd way. His family/brothers have a history of mental illness and violence. I actually witnessed him almost stab a guy in the neck with a screwdriver before being talked out of it at a party (like 10 years ago). I asked a cop friend what he knew about him and said "just know him from seeing around, don't deal with him on the job ever, but never got a good feeling about him ever, don't know why just something about him". This is exactly how I always felt about him. Makes it worse that my son is the one telling me, including it makes him feel "not happy" when he's stays over.

Someone...talk me down... am I overreacting if I say I'm considering seeing a lawyer and looking at gaining full custody or reducing her access? Or trying to change the parenting agreement to not allow friends to sleep over? I'm really concerned about my son's well being. Do I have any options? I feel like talking to her won't do any good.

[Learner]

You are over-reacting. You don't get approval of her boyfriends and she doesn't get approval of your girlfriends. The only way you could possibly affect her access was if he was a convicted pedophile and/or child abuser which doesn't seem to be the case.

[goblue]

You are over-reacting. You don't get approval of her boyfriends and she doesn't get approval of your girlfriends. The only way you could possibly affect her access was if he was a convicted pedophile and/or child abuser which doesn't seem to be the case.

How do I find out if he's been convicted of any of this? I'm seriously weirded out by him.

[DowntroddenDad]

Talk to your cop friend to see if he has a record or is in the sex offender registry. But short of that, there isn't much you can do. You can keep talking to your child and letting them know it is ok for them to talk to you about anything. I'm not suggesting your turn your child into a snitch, nor should you encourage him to spy on them. But if he is upset about what is going on , he needs someone to listen to him.

[court]

Thankfully your child is old enough to talk about issues they see/hear so if anything dangerous were to happen they might relay it to you.

[goblue]

Thanks for advice. I'll definitely let my son know that he should always be able to tell me anything and I'll protect him.

Well, the guy came up with a clean record, which is good. But I guess there's nothing to do.. I am worried though. Everyone that I asked knows him to be weird and a pretty off.. with a violent streak (small man complex) and heard he fainted sniffing glue before, lol.

So, a second question then, does the fact my ex was convicted of something rather serious (a violent crime), give grounds for asking for full custody?

[HammerDad]

So, a second question then, does the fact my ex was convicted of something rather serious (a violent crime), give grounds for asking for full custody?

Unless said violent crime was against the kids, no.

[goblue]

Unless said violent crime was against the kids, no.

That's good to know. Thanks.

[arabian]

I'd recommend steering away from digging up dirt from the past. It's irrelevant.

If a legitimate matter happens in the future you don't want to be disregarded and your concern taken as "just more bs spewing from the ex."

[goblue]

I plan on presenting a new agreement to my ex. I'm going to ask her for a new agreement that essentially asks for full custody, reduces her access, and allows me to move with my son. I actually believe there's a chance I can succeed here. She's a good person, but has had a pretty tough time over the last few years and may be willing to let me take more care of him. My question is, how do I do this legally? is there a template or a form that needs to be filled out? Should everything be done through a lawyer?

[standing on the sidelines]

why would you reduce her access???

[Rioe]

I would come at it from the completely other direction. Make casual offers to her to take the child off her hands now and then, when she needs a break. Don't mention moving or custody or support amounts or anything legal agreementy. Just observe that she's having a tough time and offer your help with your child. She may be far likely to go for it if she doesn't feel legally browbeaten into it.

Then, if things work out well for your son, six months later or so, you have a new status quo, and you can make legal motions to enshrine the new time arrangements in law.

Moving is still going to be next to impossible though, unless she completely abandons your child, or the new location is hands down irrefutably way better.

[goblue]

why would you reduce her access???

I don't have a good legal reason. I acknowledge that. My reason is I provide a better environment for him. She struggles with everything from employment, depression, has had legal issues. And yeah, I want him spending as little time possible with this new guy. I'm not denying that, he's a creep.

Thanks Iceberg. Reasons are listed above.

Rioe, what you suggested I've been doing since we broke up. Our agreement is 50/50, but I've definitely had him closer to 60-65%. Overall, although rocky sure, we're pretty good when it comes to how we share our son. We're constantly changing our schedules around to accomodate each other. I just happen to ask for him a lot more which she always agrees to. Plus she has taken a lot of trips and spent a month in jail.

For me, it comes down to wanting to protect my son, and give him the best possible living environment to grow up in.

[hadenough]

It is not likely given what you have described that the courts would appoint you as the sole CP.

[standing on the sidelines]

geesh when its a woman saying she wants to move and reduce the fathers access for no good reason she gets jumped on.

It seems like one of the main reasons is because of the new bf.