New Extended Family

[Canadaguy]

Have been working with the ex for Christmas holidays. She has requested that our 3 year old son spend family dinner at her new live in BF family dinner during a day he is scheduled to spend with myself.

Our agreement is written as open to be flexible and consider each of our sons families so he can enjoy all family events as much as possible.

We do not have makeup time or swap time written into our agreement.

My question is, as an equal parent what approach should I take? Should I look at my ex's extended family as my sons new family too, thus giving up his time with dad? Or should I tell the ex the agreement schedule is time with dad, not HER new extended family?

....Thoughts.....

[Berner_Faith]

Do you have reasons to not think of the new guys family as your sons family too? If they have been together for a while and are in a stable relationship, if you can make it work, why not?

With my situation, my whole family sees my bfs children as part of our family. In fact we plan our extended family Christmas around when we have the children. I understand you may have issues with the guy (not saying you do) but if this family has been part and will be part of your sons life, why not stay positive with their relationships with you son?its never a bad thing to have more people to love your child.

However, if ex is expecting you to change your plans with your family to accommodateher new bf, then yes I would say you have reason to deny that change.

[Mess]

The priority should be:
Spending time with mom and dad, equal priorty;
Spending time with maternal and paternal grandparents, equal priority;
Spending time with assorted boyfriends, girlfriends, cousins, etc.

Time with you that is previously scheduled or court ordered takes priority.

If mom wants to go visit the new bf's family, that is less priority.

She needs to respect that, the same way you should respect it if you want to take the kids to your cousins house for Boxing day.

Generally you should look at alternating Christmas day each year with you and your ex. Then the other parent gets Boxing day. If the ex wants to spend time with her boyfriend's family at Christmas she can so it on alternating years.

[singledad99]

I agree with Mess. Besides, once you open the door to exceptions it never shuts so its better to stick with the court order.

[HammerDad]

What day are we talking about here? Does the actual day have any significance? I mean, she isn't requesting christmas dinner/christmas eve here is she? Hopefully it is just some random day, that you don't have any plans for the kids yourself?

If it is just some random day, I'd agree to allowing her the time, so long as she provided me with a day in return.....preferably prior to the day she wants. Last thing you want to do is give her the day for "a date to be agreed upon later", only to end up never getting it as they won't agree.

If it is something like christmas dinner, it is a simple - HELL NO!

[SingleDad12]

If it is something like christmas dinner, it is a simple - HELL NO!

Completely agree with HammerDad on this one. If it's just a random day when there is a big gathering close to the holiday and if you don't already have plans for that day then why not?

[Old Lawyer]

I agree with all the comments.

It used to be in the bad old days that the mother's new family took precedence The priority was creating a new nuclear family for the child --- think Mad Men. Don's kids are in a new family unit with the step dad as the dad and Don visits them every other weekend.

That is not the model we use today == Well it sneaks in when people start talking about preferring the primary caregiver. --- but it is not supposed to be.

Preserving the parental relationship with the natural dad is far more of a priority.

If mom wants to attend a family gathering of her family of origin with the child then I think the father should be willing to give -- assuming that he is not giving up a day with his extended family.

But when the gathering is with the new boyfriends family then the father should be cautious about giving up time. Courteous but cautious.

Moms are often prone to thinking that because the new man has replaced the old man in her life that he should replace the old man in her children's lives. I do not know how many clients have told me when discussing access issues --"" well Joe is twice the man as Bill ever was. He is a far better role model for little Billy."" (Of course dads do this kind of thing too but in my experience moms are more likely to consider the children as extensions of themselves - although when men do it they are more rude about it)

I think a test could be, is she willing to make up the time. If yes then she is not trying to alienate but just thinks it is a good time for the child. But if she is chipping away at dad's time then he has a right to be concerned.

Giving the child multiple christmas celebrations is a great idea.

[Canadaguy]

Do you have reasons to not think of the new guys family as your sons family too?

Yes, however the definition of family does vary. Immediate family (mom/dad/his-her grandparents) should be priority, Extended family (uncles, aunts, cousins, best friends, new step parents) I believe are secondary.

If it's just a random day when there is a big gathering close to the holiday and if you don't already have plans for that day then why not?

I agree, plus it is best for the child to be involved in both parents events. However, like every other seperated parent our child doesn't spend every day with both parents. Thus, my scheduled time is very busy. Especially during the hectic holiday season. It is likely that every day we are together we will be with the family over Christmas.

when the gathering is with the new boyfriends family then the father should be cautious about giving up time. Courteous but cautious.

It goes both ways...would I expect her to give up time with out son to spend a family dinner with my new family? It is all about perspective. No, I wouldn't expect it, but for sure I would ask. Never hurts to ask, increases the possibility from zero to fifty percent.

It is only one day, neither side is fighting the custody war and scheduling permits the flexibility to do so is a good thing.

Being flexible with this instance may buy more flexibility on the other parent in the future.

[HammerDad]

Being flexible with this instance may buy more flexibility on the other parent in the future.

I would be flexible if the date is not of importance to you. But I would request makeup time prior to the date you are giving her.

IMO my time with my kid is precious. And I get little of it. I am willing to "give up time". I will trade time. But never give it up.

[Old Lawyer]

Canadaguy, you sound very reasonable. Hope you guys can continue to cooperate. Makes live easier.

[wretchedotis]

Have been working with the ex for Christmas holidays. She has requested that our 3 year old son spend family dinner at her new live in BF family dinner during a day he is scheduled to spend with myself.

Our agreement is written as open to be flexible and consider each of our sons families so he can enjoy all family events as much as possible.

We do not have makeup time or swap time written into our agreement.

My question is, as an equal parent what approach should I take? Should I look at my ex's extended family as my sons new family too, thus giving up his time with dad? Or should I tell the ex the agreement schedule is time with dad, not HER new extended family?

....Thoughts.....

You should encourage his 'new' family as much as possible. To a child any and all family is a good thing.

If you can allow yourself to switch the day, I would encourage you to do so. Regardless of any court ordered language I see no problem with 'trading' days to accomplish such.

If the other side is unwilling to make the time up for yourself and the child - do not agree. If the other side is willing to trade days - ultimately there's little issue, is there? Assuming the day you are losing isn't too sentimental to you, that is.

Go along to get along - or some such sentiment.