manipulative extorting x

[NBDad]

If the ex won't negotiate, then your only recourse is court. Have your lawyer prepare a fair settlement offer (Joint custody - 50/50 physical access, even split of marital assets) and give her 30 days.

If she refuses, tell the lawyer to get a court date. Don't spend forever and a day trading emails. Fair offer w/ timeline, move to court.

In the interim, instruct the ex (again via email, or have your lawyer send an angry attorney letter) that you do not agree with her unilateral decision to eliminate one of your parenting days, and until such time as a judge orders otherwise, the expectation is that the status quo will continue as established.

Then show up as normal to pick up the kids. If they are there, great. if they are NOT there, then you send an email to the ex, informing her you are present for pick up and the children are not present. Indicate you will return in 15 mins to the pickup location. Then go buy a pack of gum from a local store, save the receipt, and smile pretty for the security camera. You then go back to the pick up location. If the kids are there, great. If they are not there, then you go home, and send her an email indicating that the children were not present for your parenting time and requesting make up time. Give her three choices that work for you and ask her to pick one of them.

Rinse and repeat until you go to court.

[fairshake]

Thanks CSAngel for you support. I truly believe that my x has manipulated my girls to accept not seeing me on this day.

What is the best way of addressing this with:

1) My girls? It is a delicate situation since I don't want to come across as the bad guy on insisting/demanding that I see them on this day and go against their new found desire...

2) my x? I will email my her after my next couple of days with the girls that I wish to continue parenting them on Tuesdays. She has already threatened me that I will suffer if I peruse this, while I believe, still on the speaker phone with my girls!?? I told her that this is not an appropriate conversation to have with them. She is impossible to deal with and doesn't reply to my emails or text messages.

I feel that court is my only option as x refuses to mediate and I don't want this new status quo to work against me. Our financial are such a mess that it would mean a disaster for all involved and would probably cripple me and her for years. I've learn my lessons over the last month as the x has "allowed" the children to take away various days with me without consultation, consideration, explanation or providing me with make up days and sending all correspondence via email through d11 or her former lawyer. One email from d11 was so scripted that it was obvious that my x was standing over her shoulder. Emotionally it has been extremely difficult to deal with.

Any suggestions on how to stay out of court? Or is this really my only option? and if so what are the most important steps should I be taking along the way to get equal time with my own children and make sure I come out on the other side with shared custody?

Thanks in advance.

[HappyMomma]

Your ex cannot 'take away' your night. You have no court order which means you default to 50/50 shared custody. You have every right to keep your Tuesday night. Why would you think your ex can just tell you how it is? Make it clear to your ex you will be keeping your night. Your children deserve to be with you just as much as with her.

Good luck.

[fairshake]

x took away an overnight to reduce my time with the kids and bring me below the 40% threshold (in her opinion) so I'll have to pay full tabled cs.

Here is some background information:

x is very hard to negotiate with and a very persuasive person even if she is right or wrong. She is asking for rather large equalization of assets in her favour. Has been out of work since separation beginning of year and claims she isn't working and can't find a job. Her last job prior to beginning of year lasted 2.5 years and was making more money than me. Is leveraging all of this against me to receive full cs and ss payments. She is more than capable of working as she has demonstrated over our marriage of 14,5 yrs.

x (mom) left matrimonial home in march to live with gf and and I (dad) stayed with the children d11 and d13 until home sold in august. time with children spent 1 2 1 3. During school I'd meet the kids at home on my days for overnight and x would meet them on her days leaving in the evenings sometime between 6 and 9pm, then I would come home to overnight. I'd stay away on her weekends as best as possible and return home every night in evenings to overnight. During the summer x would spend days with kids till 4pm when I returned home from work. We each had 2 weeks of summer vacation with the children. When the x had the last two weeks of summer to vacation with children her lawyer send me a letter that the children will be going to school in Brampton and x will be moving there as well. (its a 20 min drive from the small town of the matrimonial home and my current residence to the area of Brampton were she is moving) Old lawyer said I could not do anything about it with the courts and I would more than likely end up paying her for costs... I continue to live in the same small town as we had previously tried to negotiated me buying her out of the matrimonial home. This was not feasible due to equalized division of assets she was requesting in her favour. A few weeks into the school year x's lawyer informs me that children will now be alternating my Tuesday overnight. She no longer has a lawyer and claims she can't afford one and sent my lawyer a letter asking to settle on all issues especially the parenting plan. I replied that I want shared time (custody) with the children. Her reply was that the children prefer not to see me on that alternating Tuesday and had them back this up during a unannounced speaker phone conversation with all four of us. X tells me that if I go against their wishes I will regret it and pay for it in the end, She wants me to finalize a parenting plan based on this missing day and that when my 13 year old daughter turns 14 she can stay were she wants anyways. I'm assuming x threatens she would persuade her to stay with her as much as possible.

Some persuasive proof that my wife is influencing the children:

my d11 told me that they prefer to see me only 40% of the time so they can have time with their grandmother etc... What kind of kids says this? I asked her what that meant and she couldn't even give me a clear answer.

X claims the 20 minute drive from their school to my place interferes with their after school activities etc. etc. and the kids mentioned this to me.

makes it difficult to communicate with the children when they are with her and the children always seem uncomfortable when I do talk with then. When they are with me it as if the cloud has lifted and all is normal.

x only communicates through the children and not directly with me although I still send her email and text messages regarding communication and parenting issues.

I'd consider moving to an area closer to the children's school but x is staying with gf so she could pick up and move again. Other than going to court my only solution would be to agree to the alternating Tuesday overnight but if I move closer to the girls schools the Tuesday would be "given" back. I know she won't accept that solution since it would impact on her cs payments when she gets a job.

So my questions are:

what are the odds of me getting back my Tuesday if I go to court? My current lawyer suggested involving the OCL but now that my wife has persuaded the kids regarding the Tuesday I'm worried about the outcome. I'm going to talk to the kids soon without the x around and find out what the reason is for not wanting to see me on every TTuesday. Every other lawyer I consulted with (3 or 4) mainly thought this was an issue about equalization and that I'm lucky to have such a generous visitation schedule with the kids and not only will I be paying full c.s, but I'll also be paying full ss until x get a job. As a family we all talked about sharing time together and did that until school started. I've payed for all the children's school activities and many extra curricular activities in full but have not started to pay any cs. I'm waiting for a pension evaluation in order to give her a comprehensive separation agreement regarding the financials. I feel I deserve equal time with my children and that I'm being extorted to except less...