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Totally inappropriate! The day your daughter started calling your husband 'dad' you should have started correcting her. I would never let my step son call me mom. He has a mom. I detest her more than words can say, I think she is a horrible person and mother for that matter, however, it is after all, his mother! I can't see how it would be in his best interest to call me mom. It would only serve to confuse him and majorly upset his mother (yes, I would love that!) but it's about what is best for the children!
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If I had a partner w/kids and bio-mom was alive/well and/or otherwise in the picture, I would insist on being called by my first name. I would not want my son calling his dad's wife 'mom' (and he doesn't). This opens up a very grey area as some people change partners often it seems. What is a kid supposed to think then, if they are calling (ie) Mom's new bf (or husband) "Dad/dy?" Ummm people do break up/get divorced. I think we are all aware of that.
I think mom should be mom and dad should be dad, unless the child has never 'known' or had any involvement with the bio-mom or dad.
It would be confusing to say the least, for a 5 year old no less...
I mistook the original post to mean that (bio dad) was contantly 'reminding' the child that he is her father. I didn't realize that she was calling mum's new husband, "Dad/dy"
OP: didn't you say at the beginning of your thread that D5 was (soon) going to see a Child Psychologist? (Correct me if I'm wrong). Then in remarks you made above, you stated "Her psychiatrist seems to think it is great but to appease real dad can call step dad by first name to him."
That would imply that she's been to see the Doctor several times one would think. Is she seeing a psychologist or a psychiatrist? I can't begin to imagine how uncommon that is; that a 5 year old is in counseling...At any rate, I don't know your whole story (none of us do) - I just know that calling multiple people mommy/daddy can't possibly be a positive thing. Just my opinion. I make no judgment whatsoever on what sort of parent you, or your ex are.Comment
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Isn’t inappropriate behaviour just an opinion?Your opinion is that it is inappropriate.Some people bring their kids to the race track and call it a day out-others would call that inappropriate.The real issue is is the kid in danger ?Doesnt seem to be, so let it go.Someday kid is going to complain to daddy about you dragging her around the shopping malls for hours around christmas time-I know some people who would call that torture!Comment
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Sorry, sometimes I can be a bit too subtle for the online environment. I'm not being sarcastic btw, it is a flaw on my partOriginally posted by court View Post
You said that your kid "requested" to call stepfather "Dad". My point was that 5-year-olds request many things, and as parents we stop them from doing things that are inappropriate. If your daughter requested to call you by your first name, then you would tell her no, right? You should act in the same way when it comes to your 5-year-old calling your partner "dad", when your partner is very much not your daughter's father.
To do otherwise is to essentially be alienating your child from her real father, and that is pretty much the worst thing you can do short of outright abuse.Comment
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Although I'd love for my steps to call me Mom, I wouldn't go for it if they did. They have a mom and it isn't me. I just have them call me Stepgoddess instead.Comment
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Yes I did say that yesterday. Today was her appointment with a psychiatrist who specializes in behavioural issues. She does an assessment of the situation and then tells us what needs to be done on an ongoing basis to help her. My daughter is very angry and aggressive (like her real father) and I didn't know what to do about it anymore. I gained valuable insight today, and one of the things she praised was the relationship she has with her step-dad and that calling him dad is perfectly fine. It is not abusive like many of you are saying. She knows who her real dad is, she doesn't need to be reminded. Many of you are putting your own personal emotions and opinions on the situation. Abusive is not the correct term. Nobody is abusing her but own biological father because he fucks with her head on a regular basis. If she never saw him again it would be the best thing for her sadly but I don't impress that upon her. She is going to figure him out on her own one day. If I was a total asshole to my kid and ignored her for months at a time and she started calling my ex's amazing and loving new wife mommy I would blame myself, not my ex or my kid.Originally posted by hadenough View Post
I love this site, but please......enough of the personal and emotional opinions on how it would make you feel. That is not what my post was about, it was about my legal rights and what I can do about my kid being subject to his inappropriate behaviour and mind games.
Thanks.Comment
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Yes, but one of the only examples of 'mind games' you gave was that your daughter's father has to tell her that your husband is not dad. Seeing as your daughter calls him dad, I don't see that this is a mind game at all. Your ex is simply trying to clarify the situation for a 5 year old, something you may want to think about doing yourself.Comment
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And I also need to say that none of my feelings towards my ex has rubbed off on her because I don't show them (I learned that one from my mom who talked horribly about my dad to my siblings and I). She loves her father and thinks he's the bees knees. She is fiercely loyal to him as most children are to their parents and that is great. No abuse, no confusion about her dad's. She thinks she is the luckiest girl in the world to have two families (ours and his with his new girlfriend who seems pretty great)Comment
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Nothing needs to be clarified. She knows he is her number one dad. I always reinforced that to her when she initially started calling step-dad dad. Like I said, I spoke to real dad about this to the death so she refers to step-dad as "step-dad" to her real dad but since I served him with a motion requesting child support and my affidavit listing the retroactive pay i was requesting he suddenly started with the "He's not your dad" , "your moms step-dad is not your real grampa" stuff. My daughter knows this and asks me why he always tells her this. She knows the difference between real and step. He is putting his emotions too high on the scale here and it is causing confusion for her now and if you ask me that is abusive.Originally posted by wife#2 View PostComment
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You say he plays mind games with her about reminding her who her father is because she calls step-dad 'daddy', you're taking her to counselling because of her anger over the situation. Does it occur to you that if YOU were to eliminate the issues you can control things would be so m uch easier for the child?
Simply have her stop calling her step father 'dad' and bio-dad won't feel he needs to assert himself in such a manner to her and that's one less issue to talk to the shrink about.Comment
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I think its offensive and probably deepfully hurtful to her father, for you to encourage calling another man her "dad".Originally posted by court View Post
And from a review of your posts, you've only been separated for less than 2 years. Is this your current bf, or have you actually remarried? I think you've also made a comment that your dd has known the bf longer than her dad, which, given the timeline, is probably inaccurate.
She's a 5 year old... everything she gets and how she interprets is coming from you. And I suspect you would be just as hurt, if dd started calling another woman "mom". There are numerous affectionate names/terms that can be used for a loving step parent - "dad" doesn't need to one of them.
Like HammerDad, I too believe you are walking the fine line of parental alienation.Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.Comment
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Agree Blink. She is seeing Shrink as you say she is having anger issues, and yet at the same time, you say she is not confused over these issues of who is dad. If she were not confused, she would not be asking you why daddy is telling her step dad is not 'dad'. The fact that she asks, means she is confused!Comment
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Her anger stems from listening to him calling me a f*cking whore, slut, monster, bitch for the first 3 years of her life. For actually saying "listen up, your mom is a whore make sure you don't turn out like her" Her anger stems from him neglecting her while he played video games for two weeks while I was out of the province for a medical procedure. Her anger does not result from her calling step dad daddy and getting chastised for it. This has been her safe haven, her soft spot to land when he disappeared for months on end. I am not changing it because he woke up mad at me one day.
For the record, I am not a whore
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None of you are psychiatrists and this one we saw thinks I am doing the right thing. I am not defending myself. This was not even what my post was about.Comment
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Originally posted by court View Post
What do you mean, if you [were]? Writing that you think it would be the best thing for your 5 year old daughter if your daughter never saw her father again is DEFINITELY being an asshole.
I can give you a whole lot more appropriate names too but I digress.
Your daughter needs YOU to go to counselling so you can learn that what your daughter needs most is for her seperated parents to love her more than her parents dislike one another.Comment
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