communications with an uninterested parent

[tugofwar]

What are some suggestions on how to deal with communication with an uninterested parent? Our child started school and just want some suggestions on how to deal with a parent whom just doesn't seem interested in their child? How to handle notes and letters that come from the teachers etc..
So far, Ive taken extra copies of letters the school has provided me and sent them or emailed a scanned copy to their email. I relay most info via email. They ignored my other emails regarding parent / teacher meetings ( went alone with child) until the last meeting was during the other parents time with the child and due to the wording of my message, I think they thought I was telling them we were all going together ( which wasn't the worst thing, it was a good thing cause our child was excited showing dad her classroom and some of her art work and in the best interest of our child)

[Nadia]

In our case we have the school email both parents information directly. The child's father should be able to get the information directly from the school that way, especially in respect to parent-teacher interviews or any school events. Usually there is a class mailing list, where all the parents are emailed at the same time.

I am not sure if your child might be too young, but most kids will also have an agenda that travels back and forth between the home and school, that should include notes. In our case, the school always provides two copies of all notes, notices etc

If you have not done so already, you may want to speak to the school and ask them to make sure the child's father is on the mailing list (assuming he has no problem with this) and also ensure that they provide two copies of everything.

If he chooses not to attend school events or parent-teacher interviews, then that is something you do not have any control over. It certainly will not be because he did not have the information.

[tugofwar]

Jk, and there is a zip lock bag used for communications. Letters, notes are sent in this bag. Hard to know what needs to be sent and what not to send especially since they seemed more bothered when I send things. So, Im just looking for ways to deal with this. Unless I take the inititive and ask how they would like to address these letters etc....

[Nadia]

I am confused and do not think I answered your question at all.

Why do they seem "more bothered" when you send things from the school? Who are "they" and how do you know they get upset?

[tugofwar]

I refer to my ex as they...more out of habit. I email saying I am sending an extra copy of the letters in next overnight bag, the letters come back.
I send info regarding teacher meetings, first day of school- they get annoyed about it. Didnt attend two prior meetings.
It's a parent that doesn't really care much about their child and little to no involvement in other things.
The ex has one weekly and every other weekend with child. We have joint custody) How do I handle all the other notes etc that I receive during my time?
I dont want to seem as a gate keeper of information but not sure what or how much to send etc... I cant see a journal or book being started. The poor kids backpack is full of extra clothes, lunch etc.

[hadenough]

Hi Tugofwar, you've been off for awhile. I remember the old zip lock bag thingy I don't know how it all works, but Tools to simplify shared child custody. - Our Family Wizard - child custody, parenting time is referred to quite often on this forum. Might be worth having a look at, if you haven't before (?)

[tugofwar]

Im sure it would work if both parties agree. My ex doesn't seem to get my messages, doesn't check his email frequently etc etc blah blah. Always an excuse. I ve tried different ways to help us communicate and he doesn't seem to think there is a problem... urrr.
I communicate things, he doesn't.

[Nadia]

Would it be possible for the school to provide two ziplock bags, one labelled with his name on it, and the other with your name on it. Then if he is upset with getting too much information he can take it up with the school. He is going to look silly if he keeps sending it back with everything without taking anything out.

This way, it takes you out of the equaltion. You are not the go between so to speak. Otherwise this "communication" piece just becomes another battle between the parents. With "dad" sending back anything sent over by "mom" and "mom" getting upset because he is sending everything back and she is assuming he has not read it.

Most of the communication we receive from our children's school is sent via email for both our 5 and soon to be 8 year old and should there be anything available only in hard copy format we are provided with two copies of everything with parents names on top. Everything is put in the backpack that the children travel with.

[kingstonmomof2]

I can understand that it might upset you if he is "uninterested", but perhaps all you can do is provide the info? It's up to him after that. Just a thought though. Unfortunately, you don't have anything to compare to since your daughter just started school, but when my ex and I were together (and now too), I was the active party as far as school notes, meeting, and other things going on went. It's not that he wasn't interested, but that it wasn't his strong area (for lack of a better term) I was, and still am, sure to let him know what he really NEEDS to know, and he is good with that. Another example...I can tell you how many cavities each of my children have had and when the month of their next check up should be and he wouldn't have a clue. He provides, and spends quality time with them, and is very close with them, but I look after the details. Does it make sense why I'm explaining this? lol
I'm not saying that it's a great way to work things!!!! If you read my situation about the kids school you will see that I realized grades were suffering and his attitude is that "they will get through it, they are fine".
Bottom line, all you can do if offer the info.
Hope you find a solution. You are there for your daughter so she will do fine at school!!!

[singledad99]

My ex too ignores my emails/messages. This was causing great disappointments to our son. So, one day I decided to stop bothering her. I learnt that children adapt very quickly and my son became content with only me being there for him.

[blinkandimgone]

My ex too ignores my emails/messages. This was causing great disappointments to our son. So, one day I decided to stop bothering her. I learnt that children adapt very quickly and my son became content with only me being there for him.

I have the same situation here. He's now decided to take SOME interest which is great for the kids, but at the same time creating somewhat of a competitive atmosphere between us as Dad now tried to insert himself into all the aspects of their lives that he previously ignored. I have no issue, and am happy, that he's finally taking somewhat of a more active role, however it seems he wants me to do all the work on his behalf, which I find frustrating.

The competitive atmosphere, I believe, is generated by the kids seeing dad is finally involved in stuff and because it's so foreign to them he seems to be entitled to scooby snacks anytime he fufills a parental responsibility, whereas I've done it all completely unnoticed and unrecognized by all other parties involved. I don't ask or expect it, it is just 'what you do' as a parent', but the kids, my daughter especially, like to throw it in my face when he steps up because he makes a big deal of it to them, wants to make sure they know HE is responsible for doing whatever it is that got done. I guess they just figured that, up till now, a magic fairy always took care of it?

The point is, I did finally realize I could never force him to be engaged or involved. He did come around eventually, however the kids are teens now so it's been a very long wait and the results are a mix of positive/negative.

You just can't force someone else to be the parent you want them to be.

[kingstonmomof2]

You just can't force someone else to be the parent you want them to be. [/QUOTE]


Well Said...

[tugofwar]

I understand, just there's no effort at all from my ex... none I dont want to be held liable for not telling him stuff especially when he never asks for any type of details. I got scolded in court for not providing him more details about signing the child up in dance and what type of dance it was and when. I just said she was signed up in dance,,,, he never asked for more info but i was to blame for not involving the ex cause maybe he would have wanted to come... oh ya i invited him and the whole time he was texting and on his phone and left the 1/2 hour class 2 times!
Another instance was sports. Daughter played soccerl. He showed up maybe twice, sent his parents the other times and was suppose to have daughter after her awards. I was hoping he would come to see her get her first metal, pretty much asked him to come and because our daughter really wanted him to be there... and suggested he pick her up and see her get the award. It ment the world to her that he was there....
I just dont want it biting me in the ass later because i withheld info.... he gets to sit back and have everyone else responsible for him and i get slapped... dang

[FaithandMorals]

I have the same situation here. He's now decided to take SOME interest which is great for the kids, but at the same time creating somewhat of a competitive atmosphere between us as Dad now tried to insert himself into all the aspects of their lives that he previously ignored. I have no issue, and am happy, that he's finally taking somewhat of a more active role, however it seems he wants me to do all the work on his behalf, which I find frustrating.

The competitive atmosphere, I believe, is generated by the kids seeing dad is finally involved in stuff and because it's so foreign to them he seems to be entitled to scooby snacks anytime he fufills a parental responsibility, whereas I've done it all completely unnoticed and unrecognized by all other parties involved. I don't ask or expect it, it is just 'what you do' as a parent', but the kids, my daughter especially, like to throw it in my face when he steps up because he makes a big deal of it to them, wants to make sure they know HE is responsible for doing whatever it is that got done. I guess they just figured that, up till now, a magic fairy always took care of it?

The point is, I did finally realize I could never force him to be engaged or involved. He did come around eventually, however the kids are teens now so it's been a very long wait and the results are a mix of positive/negative.

You just can't force someone else to be the parent you want them to be.

Sorry you have to go through this Blink.
I think the kids are just being what they are; kids. Trying to push limits even if it means being a bit mean and wanton to those that care for them best.
The good news is, like ourselves at that age, we were immature. Later when we became able to know what happened we appreciate it more. Sucks that you have to wait but on the plus side, pay back is a bitch and I suspect you can have your fun telling their friends/boyfriends the stories.

[hadenough]

I don't know your whole story blink but I know what you're saying. Single parents are unsung heroes - in my opinion. I had a meet the teachers night and tour of the school. Most parents were a couple. Then there's me lol. The mom and dad - Representin'

I don't think his dad even knows where the new school IS! It's high school this year. Whatever. He can be pathetic and I'll do what I have to do.