Verbal Abuse at exchanges

[Tracy123]

So we got our final court order. Due to massive amounts of verbal abuse and conflicts happening in front of the kids (all recorded thanks to the advice on here), order included exchanges to occur at the police station. Two weeks in and he's called me a b#$ch in front of the kids again. Even in front of the new girlfriend. I do have "final decision" on parenting issues. So my question is can I force a 3rd party exchange with that clause? I'm honestly just sick of the crap. The kids are too. Our oldest is catching on quickly that dad's being mean to mom. I don't want his anger to to ruin either one of our relationships with the kids, but how can I solve this without heading back to court? Any ideas on how to approach this with someone who will just end up blaming me for his outburst? I've tried in the past but the blame is always put on me with wording like "you started it" or "if you had of done this I wouldn't have had to yell". I will take fault that at first I did engage in some of it, but for at least the last 6 months I've remained silent while taking his bs. (again all recorded) So any suggestions on how to move forward for the sake of the kids and my own sanity? Our oldest doesn't think he should love his dad because of the way my ex is treating me in front of him. It's just hurting all parties involved and NEEDS to stop.

Thanks again for all the advice!

[Mess]

I don't understand the question. You have a court order requiring exchanges to be made at a police station. Are you asking if you can make the exchanges at a police station? Of course. I also don't understand why you aren't already doing so.

[standing on the sidelines]

I don't understand the question. You have a court order requiring exchanges to be made at a police station. Are you asking if you can make the exchanges at a police station? Of course. I also don't understand why you aren't already doing so.

or is she asking that maybe the new gf pick up the kids instead of the father, or maybe she wants someone to drop them off on her behalf. Take one parent out of the equation when the pick ups and drop offs occurr?

[Tracy123]

Exchanges are happening outside of the police station. I'd like a 3rd party to now do drop offs/pick ups as the verbal abuse in front of the kids is an ongoing issue. Girlfriend doesn't have a license, otherwise that would work. I only mentioned her as she was present and he still decided to call me a b#*ch. So he's actually escalating. I'd just like some advice on how to approach this with an extremely hostile ex. We do have a third party exchange building in the area I've talked to before, but now with the court order stating exchanges happen at the police station he would have to agree to it, or with final say can I just say it's happening because of the on going bs? My mom can do some of the drop offs/pick ups for me. Can I just go ahead and have her do the ones she can? I just can't take the crap anymore and the kids shouldn't have to hear it.

[fireweb13]

Why don't you do it inside the police station. Arrive slightly early and leave after he leaves? The idea in my opinion of doing exchanges at the police station is so you can do it in front of police to avoid any drama. I doubt that you can just change things so that you can do exchanges at the 3rd party exchange center as its not part of your court order. Yes you get a final say in things but that means things that fall outside the specifics of your court order.

[wretchedotis]

I think it would totally be reasonable, given what you've said, to insist that him and you cannot be present together at pick-up and drop-offs.

I am not sure how you would go about making that happen.
Maybe you could insist that you drop the child(s) off at his parents, and then after you leave he could pick them up from there.

Or, maybe you could have him pick the child(s) up from your next door neighbours.

One way to ensure he would have to comply, is to take out a Peace Bond (Restraining Order) against him. This would most certianly crank up the conflict/bitterness on his side though.

[Tayken]

Exchanges are happening outside of the police station.

Go inside and request that an officer come outside to observe the exchange. If the situation escalates then go inside the station. Stand in front of the doors. Don't do it in the parking lot.

[Tayken]

most police stations have video including the outdoor areas.....point this out to your ex...

Good point (yes slughead you do have good points) and you should also make sure you stand in view of the cameras. Just see where they are pointed and stand in that area. The only challenge is that the "verbal abuse" wouldn't get picked up by an mic.

[fireweb13]

The only challenge is that the "verbal abuse" wouldn't get picked up by an mic.

Bring a voice recorder? Isn't that seperation 101

[Rioe]

I don't think she's so much afraid of violence to her person as she is to the emotional damage his outbursts cause to the children. So outside police cameras and her digital recorder (sounds like she's already recording) won't prevent that. But doing the exchanges inside the building, in front of live officers, might make him behave more respectfully at exchanges. Having another person do some of the exchanges may help there too. However neither will address him badmouthing her to or in front of the kids elsewhere, which may be the bigger problem here.

How old are the children? Can you do exchanges through school or daycare and never have to interact with the ex at all? Maybe if you're out of sight more, you'll also be out of his mind more.

[hadenough]

When I did exchanges I just didn't get out of the car or look at him. My son exited my car and got into his. We both drove away. Not a word said. Now he picks up at the end of driveway. Again, there is no face to face contact and never a word exchanged. I know beforehand (via text) what time he's arriving.

[Tracy123]

One way to ensure he would have to comply, is to take out a Peace Bond (Restraining Order) against him. This would most certianly crank up the conflict/bitterness on his side though.

I did consider this, but thought it would piss him off more. Then he'd take it out on the kids. Which is a another issue entirely. One that can't be fixed until the ex stops.

Recording all exchanges. The kids are 4 and 15 months. Otherwise staying in the car would be golden. I don't think he'd actually hurt me, not in public anyways. Its the verbal abuse that the kids witness that is damaging both our relationships with the kids. Daycare provider wants nothing to do with the ex. Massive issue at her house.

I contacted the police department and to my surprise, they're completely willing to allow us to do exchanges inside the building. My ex wasn't very supportive about the change, but problem solved. Hopefully one day we can move the exchanges back outside.

Thanks again for all the help! Any ways to get him to communicate about child related issues ONLY? haha Oh another day. Ignoring the BS is all I can do. You guys are all awesome!

[pasconsultant]

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