Do i address, or not address EX's random cancellations?

[hadenough]

Update: Sent the email. Got the response. Pretty much what I expected I suppose. Darling of an EX stated/confirmed that "yes" (Wednesdays's were cancelled) and that he did not have to, nor did he seem to think it necessary to advise me of that (or any other) cancellations. His tone was one that was quite clear he is satisfied to communicate these matters to S13.

Okie Dokie.. I got my answer.

[frustratedwithex]

2 questions:

- Access order is EOW and Wednesdays. The Wednesdays have already been obliterated (cancelled) by the ex with the child. Twice now, in just the last 2 months, EX has told child "can't see you on (the next) weekend, he is to have him. I find this stuff out after the fact (from S13). ie: he was at Dad's last wknd and just yesterday S13 says, "oh, Dad can't see me (on the next scheduled wknd) b/c he's gonna be busy."

Do I address this via email with EX just for clarification purposes? He does all of these cancellations with the child, and tells me nothing. My son says he doesn't care if he sees him or not. I'm not concerned that EX will say I'm denying access - but the access order states one thing, and he does the opposite, and it's getting to the point where I am guessing, there will be less and less of the EOW's.

Your access order says EOW and Wednesdays. If he doesn't want the Wednesdays then he needs to get the order changed.

He's treating you like a babysitter. If you have plans what do you do, cancel your parenting time?

Address this in an e-mail to your ex. and have a conversation with your son as well. If his dad is busy, then he either includes child in the plans or he makes alternate arrangements.

If child ends up staying home alone and being bored, so be it. It is not your job to make sure everything is okay between the two of them.

I still stand by this statement.

You can't make the relationship between your son and his dad better. That is his dad's responsibility.

I should add: my issue w/addressing (or not) is strictly for clarification of the 1) Cancelled (all) Wednesdays and 2) just to have a record of the cancellations made from father to son.

I was not going to go into how my son may or may not feel with regards to all of it. I do not reveal to ex what my son confides in me, when he so chooses to.

I think you got this clarification in response to your email.

Update: Sent the email. Got the response. Pretty much what I expected I suppose. Darling of an EX stated/confirmed that "yes" (Wednesdays's were cancelled) and that he did not have to, nor did he seem to think it necessary to advise me of that (or any other) cancellations. His tone was one that was quite clear he is satisfied to communicate these matters to S13.

Okie Dokie.. I got my answer.

No surprise there, you expected him to respond this way. You wanted an email where he admitted this so you couldn't be accused of with holding access, and that is what you have.

If you want to change the situation, you don't have to end the email with his response. You can reply back to him.

You can say something like,"Just to clarify, you no longer want to abide by the court order and no longer wish continue your access to see dear son on Wednesdays. The weekend time will stand as is ordered, and if I don't hear from you by,(insert day you want to know by if he is cancelling) then I will expect dear son to be picked up for his regular weekend with you.

It is not our son's job to handle communication between us and I ask that you not involve him.

Rinse/repeat and continue to tell your son that it is okay to tell dad that he needs to communicate with you. If you want to be informed and not left out, then you have to keep communicating with your ex. If you accept it as is, you are also controlling the situation as much as the ex. is.

[hadenough]

Here we go: another last minute cancellation. I addressed it most properly this time, thanks to my 'training' I've rec'd from members on this forum. And ohhh did I get a fabulous response (from ex).

I am quite financially f*cked at the moment - to put it bluntly. My question is - if I were to chart the last few months cancellations by ex - and the court order is eow access and Wednesday evenings (for him) - am I in any way, on a motion to vary entitled to a higher amount of CS?

The Wednesdays got unilaterally cancelled by him quite some time ago. They would typically see a movie, and then get dinner. Not only was this time spent w/"dad" for the child, (seeing movies is a bit lame, but whatever) but it also relieved me for an evening whether it be free time, and of course making dinner. I figure these cancelled Wed's have saved him a good (say) $120/month.

Then there's the wknds he cancels. Great. There's more time he's proving to son how lame and useless he is (part of this wknds excuse was "we are really broke." - yes, he msged that to the child. It is bs, AND he msged that to the child). What kind of a LOSER says that? I'll answer that. A hopeless, pathetic one. Oh, and btw: I followed mostly "frustratedwithex's" advice in the last email I sent to him.

So - based on his even LESS time (spent w/child) than EOW - which on top of not exactly helping me to have much of a personal life - and costs me more money (of the short paid amount he submits to FRO) - I don't know how to calculate the "percentage of time" he IS "actually spending" w/child.. Does this mean I could theoretically seek to have the c/s increased, and the order changed to reflect the access time that (on average) is exercised?

Thank-you.

[TiredOfTheDrama]

I may have read your post wrong but I don't believe you can ask for extra cs because he doesn't exercise his access. Wed evenings & EOW is not 50/50 split, in essence the child's primary address is yours which is what the CS order would have been based on (Please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong). For 1 child based on 80k $724/m in Ontario

FRO is a slow moving process no question about it.

I can count on one hand how many times my x has exercised his Wednesday evening access. He never put in writing that he wouldn't be exercising this he just never bothered showing up after a few times. He does cancel his EOW on occasion and it is written in our agreement that he must give 24hrs notice (in reality it is usually less than 2 hrs notice) or informs us that he will be picking them up the next day instead.

You can't force him to take his child & making a fuss about it only makes the child feel he's unwanted or a burden in both homes. I've never made an issue out of it & always considered it as 'bonus time' for me with the children. Yes it's inconvenient if you already have plans, at 13 he can be on his own in the house for a few hours if you have dinner plans, etc. If you are comfortable with his friends' mothers you can always ask to impose on them if you can't cancel offering to reciprocate by taking their son overnight the next weekend.

[hadenough]

Quote by totd "You can't force him to take his child & making a fuss about it only makes the child feel he's unwanted or a burden in both homes. I've never made an issue out of it & always considered it as 'bonus time' for me with the children. Yes it's inconvenient if you already have plans, at 13 he can be on his own in the house for a few hours if you have dinner plans, etc. If you are comfortable with his friends' mothers you can always ask to impose on them if you can't cancel offering to reciprocate by taking their son overnight the next weekend."

Thank-you. I agree and for the record, I do not try to force or impose the access. My son now jumps at the chance to give 'weekends at dad's' a swerve. As for sleepovers- my God it's been one massive sleepover since school let out. Often over here - other times over @the friend's houses.

True. At 13, he can be left home alone. Problem with that is - sometimes my "entertainment" plans don't necessarily involve my "going out" if you follow.

What if: (and no, this was not the case 'this' weekend) I'd had plans to fly to ie: another province, or to the States for the wkend? What then?

I know there are some decent dads out there. I know some personally. But my son's father is a total useless waste of (insert any of several words here).

[Rioe]

Unless it changes a situation from full CS to offset CS, access and CS are not linked. Just because he doesn't exercise his already minimal access won't affect CS amounts.

Disappointing as it is, I think you'd be better off considering yourself a single mom to a child with only one parent (don't frame it that way to your son of course!), and make your plans accordingly. Obviously don't plan to be out of town on so-called dad weekends or put down deposits you might not get back, but otherwise... Any time his dad does see him would then feel like a bonus, as opposed to times he doesn't see him being a downer.

You are not ever ever ever going to be able to change his father, and from observations here, I think you spend far too much of your emotional energy wishing otherwise. It sucks for your son, but it is what it is and your acceptance is critical to your own well-being. Let FRO work towards the collecting of CS, and rely on your "entertainment" time being during non-dad-time sleepover arrangements.

[TiredOfTheDrama]

Quote by totd "You can't force him to take his child & making a fuss about it only makes the child feel he's unwanted or a burden in both homes. I've never made an issue out of it & always considered it as 'bonus time' for me with the children. Yes it's inconvenient if you already have plans, at 13 he can be on his own in the house for a few hours if you have dinner plans, etc. If you are comfortable with his friends' mothers you can always ask to impose on them if you can't cancel offering to reciprocate by taking their son overnight the next weekend."

Thank-you. I agree and for the record, I do not try to force or impose the access. My son now jumps at the chance to give 'weekends at dad's' a swerve. As for sleepovers- my God it's been one massive sleepover since school let out. Often over here - other times over @the friend's houses.

True. At 13, he can be left home alone. Problem with that is - sometimes my "entertainment" plans don't necessarily involve my "going out" if you follow.

What if: (and no, this was not the case 'this' weekend) I'd had plans to fly to ie: another province, or to the States for the wkend? What then?

I know there are some decent dads out there. I know some personally. But my son's father is a total useless waste of (insert any of several words here).

My x isn't up for any Dad of the year awards either. Do you have any family support? I'm (and my siblings) incredibly lucky we live near our parents who are always willing to pitch in when plans get derailed. I actually make plans with my parents first and have them on backup if my husband and I take a mini vacation. If x cancels they are already available to help out or if he unexpectedly needs to bring them home early someone is there to take the kids.

I do understand that sometimes you need to put the mom hat to the side and just be an adult with adult moments .. and they do get a bit tricky to plan when your schedule can change at a moments notice. Hmmm other than the friends or family helping out I don't know how else you can work around that.

[hadenough]

No, no family close by. None.

Thx Rioe, good points and trust that I am well beyond having any hope ("wishing") of him becoming a decent person/parent.

He does irritate the hell out of me, I will admit to that. But to be honest, I laughed my ass off at his recent response to my email. (We rarely exchange emails, btw).

If I wasn't so financially strapped, things would be a lot easier. That's definitely having a negative impact on my overall 'outlook.'

I am not remarried and do not have a steady relationship. So I truly am, on my own. While court was going on, I did not feel I could manage a relationship and partly b/c I wanted to spare anyone else, from the bs I was going through. It should be noted that I wasn't much of a man-magnet at the time either :s

[hadenough]

Lol Rioe: often the "non-dad sleepover times" are sprung on me at ie: 4 or 5 in the afternoon. Just picture me calling 'guy a' (b or c) lol and saying "so, can you come on down, you're the next contestant" lol, I'm j/k around but there is some awkwardness in trying to drum up last minute plans. Those nights, I usually end up watching t.v by myself. Hard not to feel that (personal) life is passing me by, sometimes.

I'm not altogether unpopular where the opposite sex is concerned, but I don't have anyone on "standby" to my knowledge

[hadenough]

Well... It's happened again. Just 2 weeks ago ex cancelled his wknd access claiming to the child that he's "really broke." This week - he's attending a "family wedding, out of town" so must cancel. Funny eh? The time before this he claimed "broke" - now - it's a Family Wedding. Hmmm. Guess our son not considered part of his 'new family?' - or it's a total fabrication.

Whatever. I'm starting to see that since FRO's involvement, this is happening more and more. My guess is, that soon there will be no more "weekends at Dads." How pathetic.

In a week or so, he will get the next step of FRO's enforcement. Notice of intent to suspend his license. Let's see how he handles that one. Quite possibly, he'll ignore it (like he does everything else) and then tell everyone (including child) that I'm the "cause" for it all. I can just see the text msg now "Sorry bud, I won't be able to see you b/c your mom told FRO to take my license, so I can't drive."

If it wasn't so pathetic, it would almost be entertaining. I don't think he realizes that child (almost 14) sees right through him and thinks he's a total knob.

Sad.. That someone (an adult, w/two other young kids) can be so foolish, and thoughtless. I have no plan to address any of this directly w/ex. He's making his bed now, he can "lie" in it. No pun intended.

So glad that my son has a healthy, positive outlook on life and appears to be very resilient and not easily fooled. I feel some guilt (on his behalf) that I kept him in our lives for as long as I did. He's no dad. Not to this child, or the two others who will also grow up to realize that they lost out in the "Dad Lottery."

Luckily, son is at an age where he's very busy with friends and being outdoors etc. He is not bothered (anymore) when Dad cancels. I'm so glad he's not younger (ie: 5-10 yrs old) where it would be really hard to see him feeling (most likely) very rejected. Anyway, just thought I'd update my own thread. Might need to document a few things carefully at a later date and at least here, there's a "back-up"

[hadenough]

Still on the 'cancellation run.' It's been 2.5 months now. Son, (almost 14) does flat out, not want to go. Dad doesn't seem to mind. I think it's time I accepted that the EOW access is coming to an end. I had anticipated it, yes.. Just not this soon.

S13 is quite happy with the start of Grade 9. Has many old friends and is making new ones fast. Our access order is pretty much defunct.

Wondering how much difficulty would I encounter to get ie: travel consent removed? Ex and I don't talk. He's remarried and has 2 very young children.

It's glaringly obvious that he has no real interest in his son. I accept that, as I cannot change it. I am (as someone above posted) a single parent. I don't feel that there is another parent and it's become clear that S13 agrees.

[hadenough]

Ok, so here's the upshot. Inevitably, those "random cancellations" turned into a month, then two, and so on. It's now been 4.5 months. The ex has cut off S14's phone (that he previously paid for over the last 2 years) and there has been no contact, but for one outing (shopping) about a month ago.

Since that time, ex and I had a court date that had been scheduled months ahead of time (not Family Court). It was on that very day that he terminated S14's cell ph service even though it's on a contract and he will still need to pay approx $25/month to have the service inactive/unavailable.

In addition, colorful text msgs were then sent to my cell, addressing both me ans S14, essentially telling S14 to "f-off and stop trying to ruin my life." Very bizarre and all in Capital letters. The two have not spoken and obviously S14 has nothing to do with mine and his father's legal battles.

So there goes Christmas at Dad's. I can't say I didn't see it coming. I really want our access order to reflect the reality that is our situation. Does it matter? And the clause stating I need ex's "permission" for travel w/my son - I'd like to get that struck. He couldn't care less if we travelled to the moon and didn't return. Is there any way to get this clause removed? My ex and I do not ever communicate (very very occasional text msgs). We never speak and it's been that way for years. He can't be reasoned with, he's vile and explosive.

He has now officially (via recent txts) turned that vitriole towards his son. It's like having a rabid dog barking at you... Would I get hassled travelling with my son? Not that I'm heading anywhere soon... I'm too financially strapped from going to Court with a psychopath over the last few years.

[Nadia]

Unless you get the order changed you will still need to get his permission to travel if that is what your court order states. If you want to change that you will have to do it through a motion to vary which can be difficult because the onus will be on you to provide reason why it should be struck. But given the lack of involvement/contact you could actually have a case for varying the clause to state, "parent should be notified" instead of "permission."

A judge will be hesitant to remove the clause altogether because it is a reasonable expectation (whether born out in reality or not), that both parents would naturally want to have some general idea of where their child is in any given time, especially in relation to travel outside of the country.

If all you have to do is send him a letter/email to notify him of travel plans that will be a lot easier then trying to get permission.

It sounds like your ex is falling apart under the stress of the recent loss in court. He should have prepared himself psychologically and emotionally with that possibility. Instead of dealing with it like an mature adult he has a case of verbal diarriah and appears to be shitting all over the place including sending capitalized messages. (My ex does this when he gets stressed). It is very sad that he has decided to channel some of that anger towards his/your son.

[arabian]

Sometimes things happen for a good reason. Sad your ex treats his son poorly but look on the up side - your son won't be spending any time soon with this loser. To blame a child for something that happened in court (that had nothing to do with the child) is inexcusable. Very immature. Count your blessings that this poor excuse of a man isn't in your son's life setting a poor example for his son.

[hadenough]

Thx for above responses. Yes I believe I have enough materials to vary the order to state that I will simply advise him via email. I even have proof that this was (once) raised in a letter from my lawyer to his, but of course it was ignored by the OP.

In this situation, as bad as it might sound, S14 clearly is better off not being exposed to such a caustic, twisted and bitter individual. This has been building up for awhile now. I knew it was simply a matter of time. I feel pity for all his children (3 in total) for losing the Dad lottery. But some important lessons have been learned too. Valuable, life lessons - although learned the hard way, has built up a strength and confidence in S14 that I am very proud of.

He has galvanized throughout all of this. He posesses a terrific sense of humor, good analytical thinkiing, and a healthy positive outlook. I'm not oblivious to the idea that he is disappointed, of course he is. But he's using his smarts to channel his energy into being assertive and thoughtful. I know a lot of kids feel responsible for things that they clearly are not responsible for. I find that heartbreaking. That really does not appear to be the case with S14.

I have lived with my own disappointment of having a dad that I'd rather not have known at all. Regardless of that; it is my reality and I accepted long ago that some kids don't have 2 loving parents present in their life. Thank God in many instances, they have one. One, that raises them to be a good person and teaches them to hold their head high. Confidence and belief in one's self is the most important thing. He knows that "class" is not about wealth or education. It's about attitude and outlook. He knows that people make choices and that there are consequences for those choices (good or bad). I've told him not to be angry. Anger is heavy and non productive (I would know) - his happiness and success is the main thing.