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  • 13 year old son sneaking around for Dad

    HELP...

    Any suggestions on how I handle this ? (besides the broken trust, and the broken heart...)

    We share our boys 50/50-change over Sundays. I found out that our 13 year old son has been apparently 'secretly' recording me, and sending private information over to dad (from what I've heard it's my coming and goings...eg. doctors appointment, with whom etc...) . I've had to deal with my ex speaking poorly about me to our boys, lieing etc...but I don't retaliate with our kids. If asked, I answer with the facts only, and not my feelings/thoughts.

    We just finished 'coaching' with a specialist for teens and thought everything was good...apparently not !

    Any suggestions on how to deal with this ?

  • #2
    that is horrible. Maybe ask the teen how he would feel if you did stuff like that to him. Talk to him about boundries and how telling his father the things he has is crossing certain boundries.

    Why is he doing this to begin with?? How long has it been going on??

    Comment


    • #3
      Just curious how you found out this was going on?

      Seek first to understand: speak to the kid and find out what exactly is going on and why, as well as how he feels about it. Depending on his explanations, maybe let him know how you feel about it and why.

      This is definitely something he's doing on behalf of your ex, obviously, and Im sure he thinks he's 'helping' but I think before you can decide what to do about it you need to understand more about why this happening before you know what level you need to deal with it on.

      Comment


      • #4
        A very bad situation. MM, please include some details as to how you became aware of this? It's just awful. On every level: wrong. I would be in absolute shock, as I'm sure you must be. Needless to say, a 13 year old would not do such a thing without being coached and taught how to use the little recording devices available these days.

        Comment


        • #5
          What your son is doing is illegal because you are not one of the participating parties.

          Speaking for myself MM I would not go through my son but I would go directly to my X and demand an explanation. I feel terrible for your son, knowing the stress he must be under trying to please his father and his feelings of betrayal to you. He is obviously playing with your son's head and that's a form of abuse.

          At 13 he knows the difference between right and wrong. Considering he's doing it without your knowledge he definately knows it's wrong. Again I would not go through the boy, his guilt alone at you finding out is enough to put fear and more stress on him. He's not the problem...his father is!!

          Again MM this is just how I would do it, everyone is different
          Good luck

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Lorac View Post
            What your son is doing is illegal because you are not one of the participating parties.

            Speaking for myself MM I would not go through my son but I would go directly to my X and demand an explanation. I feel terrible for your son, knowing the stress he must be under trying to please his father and his feelings of betrayal to you. He is obviously playing with your son's head and that's a form of abuse.

            At 13 he knows the difference between right and wrong. Considering he's doing it without your knowledge he definately knows it's wrong. Again I would not go through the boy, his guilt alone at you finding out is enough to put fear and more stress on him. He's not the problem...his father is!!

            Again MM this is just how I would do it, everyone is different
            Good luck
            yes the kid knows right from wrong, that is the point. He could of just told his dad nothing but he did. At that age the child needs to have some accountablity for his actions also. If he would have just told his dad that he would not do it then he would have no reason to feel guilty (if he is at all, no one knows this for sure)

            Comment


            • #7
              This is NOT the kid's fault. Although he may be aware that it's wrong on a moral level (I'm sure he's aware it 'feels' wrong) however, I sereiously doubt it would occur to a 13 year old that it would actually be illegal.

              Yes, he shouldn't have done it and ideally would have told dad NO, however nobody here knows what dad told/threatened/promised him to get him to do it.

              Fault lays with Dad here, not the kid.

              Comment


              • #8
                At 13, no question he knows it's wrong. Dad is totally culpable though - as it begs the question, WTH did he say to child, to get this whole scheme hatched? And - how to handle it?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by hadenough View Post
                  At 13, no question he knows it's wrong. Dad is totally culpable though - as it begs the question, WTH did he say to child, to get this whole scheme hatched? And - how to handle it?
                  The "scheme" just sounds a bit "over the top" to me though in this thread. Also, it isn't illegal for the child to document the comings and goings of mom and telling anyone. Would it be illegal for the child to tell his family practitioner the information? Could the doctor go to jail because the child told him something about one of the parents?

                  At the age of 13 the child will be heard by the court if they have an opinion of where they want to live. At 14 if the child picks up and leaves to move to the other parent's house there isn't much you can do these days. The CC abduction laws are limited to the age of 14 and no police officer will remove a 13 or 14 year old back to the other parent if they don't want to go.

                  I would focus not on what the other parent may have instructed / asked the child to do but, why the child is doing it? The child may feel disenfranchised at your residence? Is the child upset with you?

                  It is hard to "control" a 13 year old child and convince them to do something like this unless the child has been a victim of abuse to the point they are doing it out of fear.

                  You can't control the other parent, what they say to the children the only person you can control is yourself. Not that I am blaming you but, it would be wise to consider why (and ask the child) they are doing it. Maybe something is wrong in your relationship with the child.

                  Good Luck!
                  Tayken

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I think the illegal part they were referring to was recording someone elss's conversations that you aren't a part of.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                      I think the illegal part they were referring to was recording someone elss's conversations that you aren't a part of.
                      But if the son is recording his conversation with his mother, this wouldn't be illegal? I guess without more details it is hard to tell, because if Mom is saying to s13... I am going to be at XYZ with so and so...what he is doing isn't actually illegal... now if he is recording phone conversations between his mom and someone else, then yes, that would be considered illegal...

                      Either way... very sad situation for the son to be put in the middle of... as others have asked... how did you come to know about these recordings?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Sorry I couldn't respond back further last night...Here goes the details (some is repeated from previous posts as they all fit together);

                        -We had been going to the teen 'coach' (counselling) for the past few months
                        -At the last appt. it was my week with our boys. I brought him to the appt, and in the middle of the session after he said his concerns, (he had been texting intermittently throughout the appt.) he stood up and said "I'm going-dads here". Both the counsellor and I were thrown by this...If dad was going to come to pick him up 'out of the blue' he should have let me know so it wouldn't have been a surprise
                        -I've been paying for sons cell for 1.5 years, as dad won't contribute. Most of the texts are from dad which is fine-I've never been concerned about this and wouildn't stop our son from communicating with dad.
                        -I asked dad to split the cell phone bill again, he said no again. Last week he gave son a blackberry and told him he can only BBM message with it (no calls, no data). That means he cannot communicate with me/mom as I do not have a BBM.
                        -Son gave me back the cell I was paying for yesterday. I checked the text because I wanted to see why dad showed up unexpectedly at the appt.
                        -Only read a couple of texts and stopped after I saw that son told dad I was going to an appt later that week. Dad asking with who/address...
                        -Saw text from son to dad that he had recorded me and almost filled his phone memory (I have not listened/looked for the recordings)

                        I am not worried about the content of the recordings...Lucky for me I internalize everything and do not talk about my personal issues so I know there are no phonecalls, or discussions he would have overheard. I also don't have anything I would be too 'worried' about that personally he would see in the house.

                        I am concerned/upset about the privacy factor being broken, I do not talk to him about his dad in a negative way, do not ask questions about his dad, whereabouts etc...This shouldn't be being transmitted back and forth, and now I am worried he is going to be always secretly recording me...I feel like I'm walking on pins and needles. Any advice would be greatly appreciated...

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Hi
                          My name is Joseph Goldberg and I think I can help you
                          with the problem you are having. It sounds to me like you
                          may have problems with parental alienation. Are you at
                          all familar with this term ? I am an expert in this field and
                          I work helping parents and their lawyers on these types
                          of cases.
                          Please visit my website at - Goldberg & Associates
                          If you would like to contact me directly please write to me
                          at jgoldberg@cspas.org ( I am also the Founder of the
                          Canadian Sympsoium for Parental Alienation Syndrome.)
                          I do charge a fee for a consultation. Perhaps if you would
                          like to go into more details with me I can tell you how I'd
                          be able to best help you.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            It may or may not come as a big shock to you, but a lot of the members on here have been through, and are in financial hardship. I'd be very surprised if all of your posts aren't removed pretty fast by the Administrator/Moderators.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I agree... Can you please not look for clients on this board? Did Mess not post something about this sort of stuff?

                              Comment

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