Trying to work out custody- nesting?

[arabian]

Karver. Home renovations are enormously stressful especially when you have a young family. Not surprised the marriage fell apart. If you are not 100% certain of splitting up I'd say get rid of the house and all the stresses that go with it. You have to put your kids first. The nesting thing is just another way to stay in close contact with each other. Not a good idea. The minute you or your stbx starts to date someone else then the gloves will come off and it will get ugly.

If you're going to split then do it correctly and set up boundaries and respect each other and move on.

[frustratedwithex]

You might want to try speaking to a parenting co-ordinator. They are basically a mediator, they deal with co-parenting and custody issues.

You can see them together, (you and your ex.), or on your own to get some advice on the nesting situation.

[billiechic]

I agree. Stbx threatened this all the time. Don't be intimidated or afraid of litigation, sometimes that is what needs to happen.

Yup, me too.
If you both can't honestly agree to a new arrangement, then you need help creating one that works for everyone.
good luck!

[frustratedwithex]

Do not let your ex bully you with threats of court action. Sometimes, court is required if the agreements made out of court don't make sense for you. Counter with an offer that works for you..and if you don't get it...then don't be afraid of litigation.

I agree. Stbx threatened this all the time. Don't be intimidated or afraid of litigation, sometimes that is what needs to happen.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Hi Karver:

Welcome to the forum.

To this:

Is this worth it in the long run or am I just setting up for a life of loneliness? I mean I'm in that now, but at least I have the boys.

Its really, really important that you don't give your kids a "job." They don't exist to take care of your loneliness issues. If you're using them in that way, you need to re-evaluate your life.

I can honestly tell you that being married was the loneliest time in my life...and getting divorced is exactly the opposite. Its as liberating as you make it. Its a milestone time when you can re-examine who you are and who you want to be and work towards those goals....even sometimes you can find a new real partner who you can achieve those goals with.

While personally, I wouldn't agree to a nesting arrangement...its far too "gray" for me...I'd prefer a clean break, if that's what you decide to do, think of your time away from the kids as an opportunity to do new things. Meet people (meetup.com), go to the gym, explore the place you live, go talk to friends and family you haven't seen in a while because you were too busy, do some volunteer work or work more hours....whatever.

Your kids need you to be as healthy as you can to get through the divorce process because it is a tiring, trying experience.

Do not let your ex bully you with threats of court action. Sometimes, court is required if the agreements made out of court don't make sense for you. Counter with an offer that works for you..and if you don't get it...then don't be afraid of litigation.

Personally, I'd want that house sold so that you can move on with your life. I can't imagine the nesting thing, the way you've described it, being in your best interest or the best interest of the children. I think you setting up a new home to live in with your children is far more healthy. However, that's just my opinion.

[standing on the sidelines]

I was thinking the same thing, he just wants to finish this house so he can buy me out and send me on my way.
I know my boys need their dad and I should be happy he wants them. I'm not going to do anything crazy to hurt those relationships. Its just hard to imagine being away.
Is this worth it in the long run or am I just setting up for a life of loneliness? I mean I'm in that now, but at least I have the boys. Gahhhb, calgon take me away!

then say no to the nesting arrangement and get the house sold. Either way the house gets sold now or later.

as for the loneliness part, that will fade. You will find other ways to occupy your time when the boys are not with you. See friends, get involved in activities and more then likely eventually date.

[Karver]

I was thinking the same thing, he just wants to finish this house so he can buy me out and send me on my way.
I know my boys need their dad and I should be happy he wants them. I'm not going to do anything crazy to hurt those relationships. Its just hard to imagine being away.
Is this worth it in the long run or am I just setting up for a life of loneliness? I mean I'm in that now, but at least I have the boys. Gahhhb, calgon take me away!

[billiechic]

It's just I've always been there!!! I'm reading some books on it and trying to get a grip. It's when those waves of panic hit thinking about being away from kids for 2 or 3 days. Then I get mad that this missing time would be normal for him, just the same as its always been.

Oh, how do we all know this feeling!! It is the hardest part of it all to swallow. My ex was barely inside the house prior to separation, but I saw the value of his relationship with our girl, and he has her 50%. Don't worry, these dads learn quickly!

I must insist though, that if you are not 100% comfortable and in agreement to try the nesting, then you need to look for another solution.

His argument to you may be about "doing what is best for the kids" but it seems that he could just be looking for a way to keep his dream house. Consider how much stress it will be to both of you, moving in an out all the time. That part also affects the kids. I think having a less stressed parent, comfortable in their OWN space, is more important than living in the same bedroom. Families move, and families change, and kids adapt just fine. It is NOT just about keeping things the same, it is about finding what works. And honestly, I don't see nesting as a good solution for anyone in the long-term. We all need to move on, and that just can't happen with nesting.

[Gary M]

I can't live with 7 days. I've only stayed away from boys overnight maybe 3 times over their lives, plus they are so young.

Notwithstanding the fact that 2 might be too young to be away from either parent for a long stretch, you must keep in mind that this is not about you; it is about the kids.

Nobody cares, or should care, what *you* can handle or not... Work from this point of view and it'll all come together.

Cheers!

Gary

[Karver]

Hi, ya it sucks. All of it. I know the dad is important. It's just I've always been there!!! I'm reading some books on it and trying to get a grip. It's when those waves of panic hit thinking about being away from kids for 2 or 3 days. Then I get mad that this missing time would be normal for him, just the same as its always been. Ok, I'm going off again.
He is really talking about this nesting thing going on for the next 16 years!! He may be in some denial. We'll battle to the death over which direction strawberries should be cut, but yet he's thinking this arrangement will be just great.

[billiechic]

I agree with Mess. a 2/2/3 schedule generally works well. There is also the 2/2/5/5 schedule, which is what I have, and allows my daughter to spend the same 2 days with me, or her dad, each week. That really helps when it comes to extra curriculars.

yes, it will absolutely suck that you won't see your kids everyday. Beleive me, we have ALL been there, and there is nothing that will make that pain go away. But the biggest gift you can give your kids right now is time with BOTH of their parents, and that means seeing their father as an equal, and just as important. It is hard enough for them to go through this, without the fighting over how much time.

As for the nesting, I don't think its a good idea. It could work for a few months, while you each make plans and find a new residence, but in the long run you are going to get fed up staying at "his house" (and itwill be his if he buys you out), and he will hate having to leave for the same reasons. If the renos can be wrapped up quickly, then maybe it is worth it, or worth the money to pay for the help to get it done, but if this is a long term plan you are just asking for it to blow up in your faces. The longer it takes to resolve everything, the harder it is. It may not be worth the frustration.

[Mess]

Divorce means everyone's life changes, yours, the kids', your ex's. Whether or not he spent a lot of time and attention on the kids before, that will change. The marriage fell apart because of his relationship with you, not because of his relationship with the kids. Many people feel trapped in a marriage for whatever reason, not always the fault of their partner or anyone's fault. His life will change, his relationship with his children will change, that is a fact. How it will change is still to be seen but he is their parent and the children deserve an equal relationship with both parents.

You are not better off staying in a "loveless" marriage for another 3 years, you are better off moving on and both of you becoming happier and better adjusted. Generally the children will adapt more quickly when younger, within a few months it will seem like the new normal. What is most important is that they know with certainty that they are not losing either parent.

Your ex would "go to war" over your schedule suggestion because it is the difference between you having custody and he is the visitor in their lives, and both of you acting as equal parents. How would you feel if he was offering you "visitation" on Wednesdays and "some time" on the weekends? You be upset and you would "go to war" over it too. Do not assume that he is any less important in their lives than you.

I agree that 7 days/7days is too much time away from either parent at that age. 2 days/ 2 days/ 3 days would be more reasonable time apart, it gives you alternating weekends, and allows both of you to attend the children's school and other activities equally. (This would end up as a 2 week rotation and you each get a turn at everything.)

The odd thing that might cause conflict is this basement office. What will he do when you are living in the house? Will he have another office at his other home? As long as there is no conflict there it may be fine.

Nesting will work well for the next few years, it is unlikely to be a permanent solution. Once either of you start dating it will start to feel awkward. If either of you remarries it will be impossible.

[Karver]

Hi, we are in process of trying to work out separation agreement between two of us without use of lawyers at this time. Married 7.5 years with 3 sons - ages 6, 4 and 2. Dad self employed, makes good $, works lots, Im kids primary.
We are renovating a big house on an acreage, our dream house and location. Marriage fell apart.
Husband has and is putting lots of money into this Reno. I think if we tried to sell it as is, we'd lose lots of money on it. He one day wants to buy this house and get me off title. He says things like I would never be able to afford or manage this property.
He wants kids half time.
He is proposing the nesting option. He wanted 7 days on/off, with off parent leaving to each others rental or whatever- so 3 places.
I can't live with 7 days. I've only stayed away from boys overnight maybe 3 times over their lives, plus they are so young. He says he's building home office in basement and will just have nanny watch them while he's working (which used to be 8am-10pm until this separation hit fan). Now he's taken time off to take them to heritage park one day, calaway park next day, science centre later today. *rant*
Anyway, I'm glad that he wants something to do with his kids.
I'm thinking more of a: he has them Monday tues, I have them wednesday thurs then we alternate fri, sat, sun. Then we switch the mon tues wed thurs, so that there isn't a five day span.
He's agreed to this. God I'm sick over it. I've mentioned: why don't I keep kids over week, with him having visitation on Wednesday's (or more) and then time on weekends, since that's basically how it's been for 6 years anyway, then once the baby enters school we can switch arrangement - no way, he said we go to war then. And he is talking about kids being raised in this house - I don't see this working for very long? Has anyone done nesting?
And I'm struggling- I feel like I should continue to be around all the time, since I always have been, kids are used to that. But is that thinking of them or being selfish?
Should I just try and live in this loveless marriage for another 3 years until baby goes to grade one? Would it be any easier then? My husband is a busy guy who could easily go a week without talking to me- except for what needs to get done or his dissatisfaction. He never touches me, Eventhough I think I'm as sexy today as I ever was -even b4 kids. Other than my kids, I've never been so lonely. It's been hard to live with. We tried councelling and the councillor told me, when husband stopped going, that I would die trying to please this guy. It's all devistating.
*puke*