Emotional issues with daughter (?)

[cbarker78]

**sigh**

So the last 2 or 3 weeks, my oldest daughter (soon to be 7) has been acting out more so than usual, has been very sad that dad's not in the home anymore (I moved out with the kids)...

In an effort to help her, I've allowed her to call him every night before bed, even helping her memorize his number. The house phone is always available for her to use.....

Then Monday evening when I'm picking the kids up from daycare, daughter tells me that she was crying at school in the morning when daddy dropped her off because she didn't want him to go.

I have gone out of my way to continue promoting a positive relationship between my daughters and their father. While they do live with me, I wish I could get him to take them more than EOW...

....but what do I do now? Weekends at dad's house mean staying up as late as they want, watching whatever they want, no rules..... that makes dad the "fun parent".... whereas in my home we have bedtimes, and meal times, and we clean up after ourselves...... Mom is no fun.... Mom is the meanie.... I know I can't *make* him be a good parent.... but it hurts watching my daughter go through this. Logically I know that she is finally dealing with the separation (though stbx and I have lived apart since Sept '11) but what can I do to help her?!

[blinkandimgone]

She will get used to it, let her know it's ok to feel things and talk about it - encourage her to get the feelings out and then work on distracting her with something else (Not usually too difficult at that age!). You can't change the way she feels but you can re-inforce for her that it's ok to have feelings, not ok to treat people badly or act out.

As for the weekend thing, I'm in the same boat. But my kids are now old enough that they see it for what it is. Their original 'I want to go to dad's house' everytime they're asked to do chores (because there aren't any there) has subsided and they have both verbalized to their counsellor that there are no expectations at dad's and yes, mom is the stricter parent and expects them to have responsibilities. Although they verbalized it, it wasn't with any sort of anger or negativity attached to it, it just is the way it is.

It sucks having to be the only bad guy all the time, but someone has to be the adult. You just need to find a balance between being the bad guy and making apoint of being the fun mom sometimes too, whether that's baking cookies with the kids, making something with them or involving them in some kind of project that they can take pride in.

It sucks and it's hard...but you can do it.

[cbarker78]

Thanks Blink!! We do a lot of fun things too... we have our "girlie days" were we stay in our pj's all day, paint each other's nails, practice braids... and giggle a lot... ((yeah having the almost 4 year old "paint" my nails is always a hoot!!)) LOL!! And we are involved in our local SCA group (yes I am a geek and proud of it)! The girls have made some good friends there, and they love dressing up in garb... oldest has even taken a real liking to doing Archery together!

....**sigh**

thanks for the perspective It's hard to keep a balanced eye when some nights it's just go-go-go..... It's always hardest the first couple days back from dad's house - getting them back into bed at a "normal" time, baths, laundry......

[blinkandimgone]

It's always hardest the first couple days back from dad's house - getting them back into bed at a "normal" time, baths, laundry......

Honestly? Get used to it. It's been three + years and that's still the case here. I find it best/easiest to let the whining/complaining go unanswered and just carry on until they realize it really isn't going to change anything. And mine are much MUCH older than yours. Somethings don't change, you can't change other people but as long as you do the best that YOU can, the kids will see and remember that.

[fireweb13]

Just a perspective of a EOW Dad, and by all means I do want to see our daughter as much as possible but I cannot. When all you have is a weekend with the kids you really want to focus your time on them and you want them to have a great time. Its hard having your kids throw a tantrum or cry or anything negative when you rarely see them. While we do have rules and as much structure as possible at our place, I would have alot more structure if I had her for a week on week off sort of thing. How do you think it feels on the other end when you have a great weekend with your kids and they do not want to go home, he probably has a couple bad days after as well.

[cbarker78]

Oh I've thought of that too Fire... thank you for this.

He has two older daughters from his first ex, and I know from experience how he tries really hard to be the "great" dad when he would have time with them. I have offered him more nights, more time, but he keeps telling me he's busy, has plans, working, or my favourite he doesn't have enough money for the extra groceries, but is on his way out the door to go play poker! LOL!!

He does not see how his utter lack of rules/structure does not provide any sort of consistency for the kids....he has said to me before he does not see the problem with letting a 6 & 3 year old watch Family Guy!! OY!! But I cannot change his parenting style, I don't even mention these things to him (since we separated) because I know he will parent how he sees fit... The girls are too young to understand this, but I know from my own experience as a kid with divorced parents, they will see right through it later on.....

As Blink said, I just have to get used to it.... keep on truckin' ... it's just hard watching your daughter being sad...

[theborg]

Your daughters sad about the divorce your sad because you can't control everything, the circus comes to town when the non-custodial parent picks the kid up thats a fact of life, if a kid leaves the non custodial parent unhappy after a weekend it tears apart the non cutodial (100 percent DADS) until they see there kid again, the kid never views dads place as home, EVER. Kids are young for a short while try not being a typical micro managing mother to cause trouble for all concerned. Dads place is different is all that has to be said to the kid.....endstop

[standing on the sidelines]

Your daughters sad about the divorce your sad because you can't control everything, the circus comes to town when the non-custodial parent picks the kid up thats a fact of life, if a kid leaves the non custodial parent unhappy after a weekend it tears apart the non cutodial (100 percent DADS) until they see there kid again, the kid never views dads place as home, EVER. Kids are young for a short while try not being a typical micro managing mother to cause trouble for all concerned. Dads place is different is all that has to be said to the kid.....endstop

Oh boy looks like we have another bitter poster again.

[theborg]

ooo a Labeller!.....honesty is so unappreciated

[blinkandimgone]

Your daughters sad about the divorce your sad because you can't control everything, the circus comes to town when the non-custodial parent picks the kid up thats a fact of life, if a kid leaves the non custodial parent unhappy after a weekend it tears apart the non cutodial (100 percent DADS) until they see there kid again, the kid never views dads place as home, EVER. Kids are young for a short while try not being a typical micro managing mother to cause trouble for all concerned. Dads place is different is all that has to be said to the kid.....endstop

So only custodial parents are considered real parents? Good to know.

Or...you chould choose to behave like a parent 24/7, like many other people do. We don't stop being parents because our kids are at school or out with friends, I have no idea why you'd think you stop being a parent when your child is with the other parent.

[Berner_Faith]

To the OP:

It sucks what you are going through with your children and like others have said, it will go on for years to come. When one only has their children every so often, they usually want to spend it with the child having fun, and I can understand that.

Just to give you a different perspective on things... we have my bf's children every other weekend, we too wish we could have them more, but that is something he is still fighting for. When the children are with us, we always try to have something planned for them, however, they only get to partake in those activities if their chores are done. The children are expected to make their own beds (the best they can) and clean up their rooms. At 7 & 4, we sometimes get some tears about this, but those are the rules. Friday nights they are allowed to stay up later, but Saturday night they are in bed at their normal bed times (same as Mom's)... we realize that routine is important for the children and just because they are with us, does not mean Mom's rules change...although we do have some rules that Mom doesn't have. We are striving to teach the children that even though their mom and dad are not together, they are still parents with rules. For the most part things work well, we do often have to fight to get them in the van to return to their Mom but once they see Mom they are excited.

Hang in there! Kids will be kids, so don't let it bother you and when it is, think of how it feels to only have your kids EOW, even though he is given the option to have his kids more.

[cbarker78]

Thanks Berner!! I do know the other side of the coin as I was with ex when he had his older daughters on occassion... though with them, the access schedule was a lot more erratic, but we coped. When we were together, yeah I may have been the "evil micro managing step mom" but I saw to it that there were still bedtimes, and meal times, and baths, and teeth brushing... in addition to all the fun stuff.... I know this is just how ex is....



What's bothered me is what seems to be the sudden change in D7's behaviour/attitude!! Things have been going really well.... we moved out end of August 2011, and have just moved again into a much nicer place that's a bit closer to dad, much closer to day care and other friends & family..... I have an appointment to go in to speak to her teacher at school to see if anything is going on there that daughter isn't talking about. But she's always been quick to smile, full of laughter, and an all around sweet girl... so this sudden change to always frowning, looking at the ground, quick to cry, yelling at everyone is very night and day for her.... I have my suspicions that she is finally coming to terms with mommy and daddy not being together anymore..... I hope to hell it isn't anything that ex is saying within their earshot!

We'll see!!

ETA - I have spoken to ex about this as well. He has told me he has noticed a change in her too and is supportive of my suggestion to seek counselling...

[cbarker78]

Oh boy looks like we have another bitter poster again.

LMAO!!


Borg - umm... you're wrong on sooooo many points there!! Dad's house can and is seen as home.... when my parents split we always knew we had two "homes" not "mom's house" and "dad's house"

And as a "parent" I'm "a typical micro managing mother" because I pay attention to my children and show concern when they are troubled?! LMBO!!!! Ok there....

[theborg]

Unless both parents get along 100% with regards to kids and share the kids 50-50 and wants only want whats best for the kid(s) and live next door to each other...and both parents still finish each other sentences just like when they were married..then a non-custodial parent can be a true parent. It's totally proven that a non-custodial dad becomes at best (especially with a high conflict ex) an uncle to his kids...........with regards to this thread momma ain't happy, probably is not communicating and if she is it's negative to ex...she's going to subject the dads kids to all her insecurities, and bitterness further destroying what ever relationship the poor smuck has with his kid....same old pattern, the dads probably a terrific guy....the mother fails to realize that the kid is already scarred from divorce and will have relationship issue when grown....but thank goodness the mothers out to prove that not only was the divorce bad ...but whatever relationship that is left is going to be bitter...another good life lesson for a kid...the moral of the story let the other parent ....parent and be happy(for your kid)

[Pursuinghappiness]

Theborg:

You're suggesting that is always the case...or is this just your own story?