From a Dad's perspective

[CCB]

What does a Dad say to his 14 year old daughter who texts him and tells him that she doesn't have to visit him on a fixed schedule anymore, that she will decide her own schedule?

[Tayken]

What does a Dad say to his 14 year old daughter who texts him and tells him that she doesn't have to visit him on a fixed schedule anymore, that she will decide her own schedule?

Not much. At the age of 14 the child can decide. All the parent in this situation can do is accept it as fact. No court, law enforcement agency or children's services is going to force a 14 year old to be anywhere they don't want to be.

[CCB]

Thanks Tayken, that's pretty much what he figured. It upsets him and it's an unfortunate situation for him, it's lose, lose.

[Tayken]

Thanks Tayken, that's pretty much what he figured. It upsets him and it's an unfortunate situation for him, it's lose, lose.

There isn't much that can be done. Be forewarned that the decision of the 14 year old can impact the overall custody and access of the younger children as well. Courts don't split up children and it could impact the custody and access to the other children as well. Especially if the younger siblings express that they want to remain with their sister.

It is a common "truism" in family law with unfortunate consequences for all the children involved.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[CCB]

She's just following the same path that her older sister did, so we're not surprised. I suppose maybe my husband should be happy that his two teenage daughters are living more with their mother and step-father than with us LOL. I remember myself at 14/15...yikes!

The 9 year old son is starting to question why his older sisters don't come as much as he does, but he is not old enough to decide his parenting arrangements.

My husband pays child support based on access of 39%, so I don't think he'd be looking at a change in the custody arrangement until this time next year when the mother and step-father get posted!

What an unfortunate side to divorce. I cannot imagine my sons telling me things as I am the parent and I tell them things. But the family law system has created this loophole for children of divorce that gives them this sense of entitlement.

[standing on the sidelines]

Thanks Tayken, that's pretty much what he figured. It upsets him and it's an unfortunate situation for him, it's lose, lose.

it would be worse if he tried to force her. He would make her angry at him and not want to see him at all. What are her reasons for this and what kind of time does she want to spend with him?

[CCB]

it would be worse if he tried to force her. He would make her angry at him and not want to see him at all. What are her reasons for this and what kind of time does she want to spend with him?

He knows he cannot force her as she would just hate him and hate being here. We experienced that with the older daughter already.

She did not give any reasons other than she was old enough to decide for herself. She wants to come and go as she pleases, seeing him whenever she decides she wants to I guess.

[May_May]

Not sure if this will help or not...but this week at our 13 year old son's counsellor/coach (I have also been going on my own) she told me that it's quite normal for kids around the age of 13-14 to want to be with the same sex parent. Even more so in separation/divorce. So boys will want to be with their dad more, and girls with their mom. But it will turn around.
She said she had a horrible situation a few years ago where a dad had 3 daughters, and he felt like all of them had turned on him and was devestated because they wanted to be with their mom, and not him (no matter what he tried). She bumped into him earlier this year, and he was ecstatic. He said that the girls had started to see him more, and he had even taken one to a concert. It will turn arouind but is quite normal.

The bad part is we have two boys and I'm dreading when / if they decide they want to stay at dads full time...selfish reasons as I'll miss them to pieces and my life revolves around them (we currently share 50/50).

[standing on the sidelines]

He knows he cannot force her as she would just hate him and hate being here. We experienced that with the older daughter already.

She did not give any reasons other than she was old enough to decide for herself. She wants to come and go as she pleases, seeing him whenever she decides she wants to I guess.

all he can do is keep the lines of communication open. She may grow up a bit more and realize how wrong she is.

[CCB]

Thanks May_May, that does make a lot of sense. He has felt that same sense that they have turned on him. But I guess hè will just have to hang in there.

S9 might start wanting to spend more time with his Dad in a few years, as I guess that would be normal. Hard for a Mum to imagine, I know, I have 2 boys of my own and it would be devastating to me.

Good point about the communication SoS!

[Mess]

I think that the dad should say that texting is a really poor way to communicate serious conversations and that they should have a chat the next time they are together. He should then ask what's up and why the change, not in a demanding, confrontational way, but simply in an interested way. At that age, what I needed, and what I see my kid needing, is a voice and some autonomy. More than anything she will appreciate that he was ready to listen and not be judgemental and just accept that she is deciding something for herself.

That kind of thing won't change the custody arrangements, but it will a mean a lot to her as years go by. You never forget when someone was willing to listen to you and respect you.

[Tayken]

I think that the dad should say that texting is a really poor way to communicate serious conversations and that they should have a chat the next time they are together. He should then ask what's up and why the change, not in a demanding, confrontational way, but simply in an interested way. At that age, what I needed, and what I see my kid needing, is a voice and some autonomy. More than anything she will appreciate that he was ready to listen and not be judgemental and just accept that she is deciding something for herself.

That kind of thing won't change the custody arrangements, but it will a mean a lot to her as years go by. You never forget when someone was willing to listen to you and respect you.

Excellent advice. Mess++

[arabian]

CCB has it occurred to you that the children simply may not like you?

Karma baby

[mcdreamy]

CCB has it occurred to you that the children simply may not like you?

Karma baby

That's harsh, and uncalled for.
Although I agree that sometimes the OP appears to be overstepping the parenting roles based on her past posts, as the mother of a teenager I expect, encourage and yes, some times enforce, our daughter spending time at her dad's.

And no, our daughter (soon turning 17) doesn't and has never liked his new wife. The new wife and I have always steered clear of each other, but for some reason new wife has nagged on the daughter from the get-go, since she met her 12 years ago. It has created a strange competitive situation in their house, and I know our daughter would rather not go to his house, but frankly, imo, it's not an option.

He is her dad, and he will be there for her when she needs him most. The least our daughter can do is put a little effort into their relationship, and when she brings it up, I encourage her to look past the new wife and focus on her dad.

Op - I'm sorry your husband doesn't have an ex that can see past the typical teenage angst and encourage the relationship. That sux.

[hadenough]

I'm finding just the opposite. As my son matures, he is wanting to spend even less time with his father. He is very "peer focused" at this time, being outdoors in warmer weather, skateboarding etc. He feels trapped on the wknds (eow) that he goes to his dad's house. He doesn't see or speak to his friends (for those 2 days) and dad and new wife go to bed early bgc they have 2 young children. Last weekend they did pretty much nothing except go to a kiddy-farm (appropriate for 2-7 year olds). S13 was definitely bored.

Dad and S13 also have little/no communication during the 2 week intervals between visits. I'm sure the 50/50 arrangement is hugely different and can't be compared. But I find as S13 matures and gains self-confidence, he is closer to me and getting to be what can best be described as indifferent to Dad. I've noticed this especially in the last year, but it's very pronounced in the last 6 months.