Spinning my wheels...

[dad962]

Ladies and Gents, I just looked through my history on Ottawadivorce and my issues still remain the same. I have no idea what to do, the nice guy ways that I have played for two YEARS are still not working and now its affecting the kids.

Prob 1. My Ex will not allow the kids to call me when they reside with her. They stay with her between 5/6 days at a time. My kids are 5 and 8 and she will not allow them to make a local call to say "good night dad" I work crazy hours, but my phone is attached to my hip. Their excuse, if I tell them I am doing something "fun" they will whine about it. Please, when I don't have my kids - I am at work or in bed. (12 hr rotations, 1.5 hr communute 1 way)

Prob 2. My son seems to be treated unfairly, he wants to play ball and hockey and I have signed him up for both. I ask for no money from his mother, only ask that she take him to his games. He plays less than 15 mins drive from her house. She and her new hubby won't take him. Then I get the excuse that it affects sleep (games are in evenings or 11am) and that he is "disrespectful and cries" I have a funny feeling there is a lot more going on, but I haven't been able to put my finger on it yet. BTW, she has no issues taking my daughter to dance 1/2 hr away twice a week. As far as bad behaviour, I ask my son if he get into trouble at home and he always answers no and I have never heard of any ill behaviour from his step father.

Prob3. The problem is my son never wants to go back to see his mom anymore. He cries and even takes to hidding. When I ask why, his answers are 1, he misses me and cannot call me. "Mom says, no." And two, he wants to spend more time with me. I understand both but there's not too much I can do about the latter issue. We have a schedule and that part of the parenting works well. I get the feeling that something is really bothering him and I need to get him help.

Prob4. When I try to talk about this with his step father (text, this is the only way we communicate and I NEVER talk this my ex) he did not respond. Even after I brought it up again a few hours later. I still got no response.

I have played the nice guy and that fails, what do I do next? I want my kids to be happy. I want to see them play sports and be able to talk to their mom or their dad whenever they want. Its the way it should be! I should be able to iron this stuff out simply, but after trying for 2 years, it's apparent I need to dig in my heals.

Please, any suggestions would help. I'm out... I'm spinning my wheels (AGAIN)

[OhMy]

Not sure about the activity thing - depends on what your agreement is I would think. If you have joint custody and it wasn't discussed prior to signing him up - that may be the issue. If its not the issue you may want to email her asking her if you can take him to as many of the scheduled activities as you can - even if its not on your time with him. Taking him for an hour or two to an activity is not going to change physical custody, so this hopefully won't cause her to worry about that part. If its agreed upon - then it would allow your son to see you more as well - which from your post seems like he is wanting.

Children of that age are not much for the phone in general - however if he is saying he wants to phone you - perhaps getting him a phone of his own (those cell phones for kids that they can call only their parents) might be of help. Asking a lot of questions about what happens when he is at his moms might cause him some stress as well.

It could be something as simple as he identifies with you as you are his father - and perhaps (even though there may not be any issues) he doesn't as easily with his step father. He misses you.

I would email your concerns about his reaction when it is time to leave you and expressing the desire to call you to your x - not through her husband. If she doesn't respond - you may want to take it a step further by sending another message the next and every time he expresses these issues. As for having kids call the other parent - at that age - I too had issues convincing the kids to call. Trust me - I tried. Although I never denied them to call the other parent when asked - ever! (but it was rare). Children will tell the other parent what they think they want to hear - so be cautious with what you believe in actual fact may be happening. (we have to take everything with a grain of salt sometimes). It was much easier if the other parent phoned them - which might be helpful in your situation. Phoning every day if that is not what is routine - may be intrusive - but I would try to set a phone schedule up with your x.

Failing all that and if you have deep concerns - and from the sounds of it you do - it may be helpful for him to get into counselling. Counselling would allow him to express himself to a third party without him being fearful of recourse from either parent - or hurting either parent about his feelings. The stigma of counselling doesn't need to be there - it honestly is good for children to be able to talk to someone they trust other then their parents.

Hope this helps - good luck!

[dad962]

Thanks for your reply.

I think I am going to call my EAP through work and see what I can get. I know our family resource centre's here are booked right up and you go on a waiting list.

The family phone package you mentioned - for the kids to call the parents. Where do I learn about those. I dont see packages like that.

Does anyone know if there is anything legally I can do? I have a bad feeling this is not going to go as smoothly as I hope.

[frustratedwithex]

I'm not sure what you can do legally. Try having phone access ordered. Search the forum and see what info comes up.

Your child is young and wants to spend time with you, kids sometimes have difficulty transitioning from one house to the other. Your EAP program should be able to provide you with counselling. Then you can find ways to help your son.

I think young children desire a connection and because they are young, they think that when they don't see you every day, you forget about them. My suggestion is to get a journal or notebook and write to your son, everyday if you have time. Keep the journal at your house so when you do see him you can spend time reading it together.

Write about your day and how you were thinking about him, what you did, maybe a dumb joke you heard. You could even draw something. When you are together, your son could add his own stuff and you could build this connection even when you aren't together. Start with something small. You might be surprised at how much he might tell you.

[NBDad]

Issue #1. YOU call them. Don't rely on the ex. Make a point to arrange calling the kids every night at the same time. A 5 min phone call to ask how their day went and say goodnight is NOT unreasonable. Ask the ex (again, NOT her husband) when the kid's bedtimes are and when a good time to place a quick call would be.

If she gives you grief, you have it ordered.

As for the rest, hard to say. Contacting your EAP program to see if there are counselling services available might be a good start.

[2bFREE2012]

I'm not sure what you can do legally. Try having phone access ordered. Search the forum and see what info comes up.

Your child is young and wants to spend time with you, kids sometimes have difficulty transitioning from one house to the other. Your EAP program should be able to provide you with counselling. Then you can find ways to help your son.

I think young children desire a connection and because they are young, they think that when they don't see you every day, you forget about them. My suggestion is to get a journal or notebook and write to your son, everyday if you have time. Keep the journal at your house so when you do see him you can spend time reading it together.

Write about your day and how you were thinking about him, what you did, maybe a dumb joke you heard. You could even draw something. When you are together, your son could add his own stuff and you could build this connection even when you aren't together. Start with something small. You might be surprised at how much he might tell you.

Dear dad962:
I really like this approach suggested by frustratedwithex...focused on shifting what you do --- to your son...within the auspices of what you can do, without getting too much into sticky situations with your ex and her current hubby...think of other creative ways aside from the journal that frustratedwithex suggested...perhaps plan ahead for many simple but quality things you can do together when he is with you...park play, table games, ask him to help you plan for your next event, he will connect more and more with you, knowing and anticipating what is next, and during the days when he is not with you, will look forward to that time when you spend time together again...keep it simple...but always special...

2bfree2012

[pasconsultant]

Hi
My name is Joseph Goldberg and I think I can help you
with the problem you are having. It sounds to me like you
may have problems with parental alienation. Are you at
all familar with this term ? I am an expert in this field and
I work helping parents and their lawyers on these types
of cases.
Please visit my website at - Goldberg & Associates
If you would like to contact me directly please write to me
at jgoldberg@cspas.org ( I am also the Founder of the
Canadian Sympsoium for Parental Alienation Syndrome.)
I do charge a fee for a consultation. Perhaps if you would
like to go into more details with me I can tell you how I'd
be able to best help you.