Trying to be reasonable...

[Pursuinghappiness]

I'm headed to have a last meeting with the custody assessor today because I thought it was pertinent to bring up an issue prior to his rendering his final report. The issue is regarding communication difficulties regarding my stbx and I on parenting schedules.

First of all, my stbx refuses to have a phone in his home and uses a foreign cell phone that he won't let my daughter use because it incurs cost when used in Canada. He probably wouldn't let her speak to me by phone when he has our child anyway but its difficult since I manage her after school schedule and he doesn't communicate well (or communicates through our kid who forgets to tell me). I've considered getting her her own cell phone but I'm already paying for one for my older child...am not currently receiving any support...and she's a bit irresponsible with these types of devices still due to her maturity level. Also, I have both a home and a cell phone when he needs to contact me (which he doesn't)...so purchasing another phone wouldn't solve half the issue. If he had a home phone though...at least my daughter could call out of his home in the event of an emergency.

The other issue is just his general lack of communication. I've never not agreed to any schedule change he's requested due to business trips or classes that he takes...however, when he randomly decides to pick my kid up at school or w/e, he doesn't tell me. So I rush home from work to get her from the bus and she just doesn't show up (which of course, forces a panic attack from my side)...and then I can't call him to check if he has her so I have to get in the car and drive to his house. (Not to mention that its completely disrespectful because I could be working later instead of rushing home). There was an incident that he didn't tell me that he was wasn't picking her up one night and just left my kid. Luckily she had the presence of mind to head to a friend's house after school and call me so that I could pick her up.

I'm obviously trying a myriad of things to try to fix this as I don't want my kid being caught up in the middle of the mess..but my stbx has always been a terrible communicator...even though now we only communicate by email, he has a lot of trouble even comprehending basic messages. Sometimes an email will go back 5-6 times before he gets it and even then, I'm uneasy that he didn't fully understand because he often doesn't. He'll then chastise me like I'm the idiot and I'll have to copy and paste exactly what I typed to him so that he can re-read it and understand that he is in error. (and that just makes him mad).

I'm making every attempt to be reasonable...not deny him any schedule changes or access he needs since, on the flip side, I'm still able to manage most of my child's working time schedule which puts my mind at ease...but I'm having a lot of trouble figuring out ways around his behavioral issues.

Am I right to be bringing these issues up to the assessor? I'm just not sure how I can manage this shared parenting without some type of clearer communication and its becoming a safety issue for my kid.

[wretchedotis]

Yes, these are important points to consider when deciding custody/access.

[hadenough]

That is all very inconvenient. Definitely there needs to be a clear back up plan for Daughter to go to friend "A's" house when neither you or stbx are there for pick up due to this poor communication. WTH with the euro-phone? That's so bizarre. You are having to do a lot of unnecessary running around - and of course it would be very stressful when you show up for her, and she's not there.

I understand re: the cell phone thing but it sounds like an inexpensive pay-as-you go plan would be worthwhile. True, kids do lose/misplace phones. How old is she?

All of the issues you raised to the assessment person are totally valid points.

I can reach my ex, (try not to, unless absolutely necessary) but he too communicates things through our son. It's annoying. I would be very uneasy if there was no line of communication between me and my son while he's w/ex. The situation you're in just opens up all sorts of "what if" scenarios.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Thanks for the responses. My youngest is a pre-teen.

You're right...the running around is ridiculous. He's supposed to be taking her 50% of the time...but that's never going to happen. He definitely has her more than he used to...which is good...but not during any of his working time. The actual running around and getting her to/from school and where-ever else she needs to be has always been my job. Again, I have no issue with this except, he's complaining that I'm not working enough hours. On days that I could work more...ie. days that he's taken a half day and could pick her up from school....he won't tell me, so I never get the opportunity to work later. That really ticks me off because I go out of my way to change my schedule anytime he has a business trip or classes or social events that he wants to attend. I've never said no to a schedule change despite the fact that it means I have to re-arrange my work or home arrangements. Its basically the same situation that happened during marriage.

He also makes appointments for her on my days...without asking me prior if its ok. Then sends me an email telling me where she has to be at what time. Again, he did the same thing during marriage. He'd make appointments with contractors or whatever and just tell me when it was instead of asking me prior to making the appointment when I could do it. He was busy and just assumed that I was always available...despite work, kids, etc. He's just like that...completely disrespectful and controlling...all the time. Again, divorce hasn't really changed much in his personality. I do, however, often email him back to pound sand because I already have plans which prompted him to tell the judge the last time we were in court that I was "hostile, non-cooperative, and confrontational."

Its always ironic to me that they expect two people who communicated terribly during marriage to be able to manage better communication after divorce to parent the kids. But having survived a 20 year relationship with my stbx, I'm used to exercises in futility...so I'll keep trying.

I did present the information to the assessor and he seemed very receptive and its definitely a concern. I think I'm going to work on a communication plan going forward to try to detail this out in writing as part of the parenting plan I'm going to propose as part of the settlement docs.

Thanks again for the help...I'm always trying to make sure that I'm not just whining about something that I could find a solution to on my own...but I've been stumped on this one. I have another couple of weeks before the assessment report is finished so I think I picked the right time to voice my concerns.

[hadenough]

Definitely can't set your watch by ppl like these. I have often "thought" plans were in place, only to find out (often very last minute) that ie: son won't be getting picked up. Puts me in overdrive having to drop everything. Now there's a contingency plan in place b/c I know better. Son is to go directly to friend "a" if dad is not there to pick up, which means I'm on my way. He "fought for" Wed afterschool access. Yeah. Right. Today is Wednesday, lo and behold; not a peep from Dad to me or son that he'd be there afterschool. It is understood: that it's not happening. Originally I thought "great, I'll have extra time on Wednesdays" (til 8pm). As IF... it almost never happens. And when it does - surprise surprise, I'll be out somewhere and get a call or txt from son at say 5pm that says "dad is dropping me at home now, so see you in 15 minutes." Yup. Really convenient. Same happens w/weekend drop offs. He's either late, or way early and I get little/no notice. Must be nice to rule the world eh? Good Luck PH

[Rioe]

The sad part is that this will get better over time, with no improvement from him, as the child grows up and becomes more self-sufficient. But at least you have something to look forward to.

[CCB]

My husband's ex-wife was like this. During their last settlement conference they agreed that she would be responsible for making all appts and seeing that the kids got to them. We were fed up with her calling the night before and telling us that she couldn't take the kids to an appt that she'd known about forever.

I feel for you!

[Mess]

If it's supposed to be 50/50 then do a week on/week off and he is 100% responsible for the kids when they are with him. Or even if you do 4/3 3/4, he will be responsible. If your schedule is too mixed then it makes it too easy for him to be irresponsible or unco-operative.

If the child is with him that evening and he picks up, then let it go. If he doesn't pick up the child, frankly I would instruct the child to call the police, say that her dad didn't pick her up and she doesn't know what to do. That will end this behaviour in one shot.

When you keep going to the rescue you are setting yourself up to be used and abused this way. It only happens if you co-operate. When the child is with him, she is his responsibility not yours. I know this is hard, I have gone through similar situations myself. (I once spent 2 hours chatting on the phone with my then 12 year old daughter as she sat, locked out of the house, waiting for her mum to get home.)

If the father takes the child from school when you have her, this is a serious incident, it is completely distressing to you as well as costing you financially. Don't let it be okay. Tell the child not go with the father when you are picking up. They are old enough to understand what day of the week it is.

Your ex being absolutely passive aggressive and doing this to get at you. First of all you need to structure the schedule to minimize his opportunity. You should not be picking the child up on his nights, he should not be picking up on yours. If he takes the child on your night, document it, if it happens multiple times take it to a motion hearing, but for goodness sake, work something out with the child about what the schedule is, who they are with, and how to handle things.

[hadenough]

"If the father takes the child from school when you have her, this is a serious incident, it is completely distressing to you as well as costing you financially. Don't let it be okay. Tell the child not go with the father when you are picking up. They are old enough to understand what day of the week it is." (Quote ^)

What you are saying (in your post above) is correct and it does appear that the uncooperative/disrespectful parent is being encouraged/enabled to carry on as they see fit - BUT what kid is going to want to call the Police in this situation? You're right - it would take care of it, in one shot, but I just can't see that playing out. I imagined it in my own situation. Son would go to school office and say "my dad was supposed to pick me up, but he's not here." The school (and/or my son) would immediately call me. Now if they couldn't reach me (unlikely) - I suppose they might look at other options then (Police) but I'm sure that would be a very last resort.

As you well know, none of us are doing what we do to accommodate the rogue parent, we do it because we don't want our kids put in those awful positions.

The stunts that PH's ex pulls are definitely serious issues. He's got her running around in circles some days, by the sounds of it. Hopefully the assessor will address all of these matters as they are very serious and certainly not with the best interests of the child in mind. Not to mention the poor mom (or dad, in some cases) who is potentially going into a panic due to nonsense like this.

[Mess]

If it's his night and the school is phoning you at 5pm and this has happened over and over, grit your teeth and don't answer the phone.

Again, be sure the child knows who is picking them up.

The school will phone the police if they can't get any other answer. Even if they don't, the father will get an earful from the school and it won't happen again.

As long as you go to the rescue, you are enabling the behaviour. You are a participant here.

[Rioe]

Be out of the house during your ex's parenting time, and don't be available by phone. Go to the movies and turn it off, for example.

There is no need to be 'on call' during your ex's parenting time, as that's his role. It's not like he's a babysitter you give emergency contact info to, and it's not like you're going to be gone for days.

In the long ago, before cell phones, what did people do? How quickly we forget.

[mglee]

As long as you go to the rescue, you are enabling the behaviour. You are a participant here.

K, I'm new, but totally agree. As long as you continue you are enabling the behavior. It's a lesson I'm learning also.

Very tough situation cause you dont want your child to feel like your abandoning them and if it was me I'd be worried about what would happen to my kid.

But be strong, don't allow him to control it.

[billiechic]

I went through a similar thingover Easter Weekend. Ex sent me a text Sunday morning telling meour daughter had a stomache flu, chastized me for something he thought I had done wrong and we had a few text back and forth. couiple hours later he "offers" me time with my daughter for Easter dinner. Spend ALL DAY trying to work out the terms.
Came to find out (through his texts) that he did not know schools were closed on Easter Monday, that he had not arranged for care for our daughter and had booked himself an appointment. He was using his "offer of time" to get around his mistake and avoid caring for her when she was ill. Guess what? She stayed with him.
A year ago I would have given in and patted myself on the back, knowing I was "better" at caring for her. But that gets old, and frustrating. His time is his time now, and he is responsible for planning it, or not. Let him live with his own consequences (and don't worry, he convinced his mom to watch her during his appointment...and the rest of the day too)

[hadenough]

I'm so divided on this - you all are right. It IS enabling. It is flat out giving permission over and over again for the other parent to take advantage. I'm so glad my son is 13. I don't know that I'd be able to muster up the courage to take this hard (necessary) line if younger children were involved. We do it, for the kids - but I see what you mean - it's like 'hey, I'm the better parent, running to the rescue' but what it really is, is demeaning and as such: it should not be tolerated or accommodated. Toleration is validation. Lol: billichic - that he didn't know Monday was a holiday.. my ex never has a clue re: holidays and P.A. Days either. I will definitely keep this post in mind for the next time my ex pulls a fast one. And I have no doubt there WILL be a "next time." Ohhhh let me count the ways.

[billiechic]

just figuring out that you are enabling him is a good step. Is it hard to say no? Damn straight! I hated not having Easter with my girl (she is 5). but I knew he would find someone to watch her.
There is a reason it's called separation!